dumb bitch trauma whore

this is my internet journal

[sivkpervmilk-chan]

sometimes I gotta keep myself off my phone because ill start believing im actually the person I see on the screen and I get so freaked out

[sivkpervmilk-chan]

the easiest way for me to find out fast if I really do have alters is to hook up with someone and see if i remember it. unfortunately I am shy and dont leave my house so I dont know how.

[sivkpervmilk-chan]

no one believes me when I say im struggling because im talking myself off the ledge every few hours and then when I talk to people my brain switches back to friendly mode so I sound like im lying

[sivkpervmilk-chan]

some people deserve to die

[sivkpervmilk-chan]

fuck this shit im going to go drown myself

[sivkpervmilk-chan]

please i wish someone was there i wish someone was there the nights I uhh

[sivkpervmilk-chan]

I wanted this summer to be fun. I wanted to go outside at least. see my friends regularly. but now since I dont have alot of ciggaretes nobody talks to me. I am so miserable and nobody will ever know because nobody wants to.

[sivkpervmilk-chan]

hashtag one of those days where you wake up with sharpie all over your body

[sivkpervmilk-chan]

please be my mutual I like to complain and write i guess

dx- OCD,BPD(in remmision),ASD,ADHD, Psychosis not otherwise specified 🫩

suspecting- Did/osdd(I am not a professional so I dont know for sure but I do know I am getting assessed for it soon/my therapist suspects it)

I am canadian if that matters, I cant think of much else to put in here. I added my diagnosises for reach and also because I would like some mutuals with similar struggles

and I really like American dad and various other things.

[sivkpervmilk-chan]

and then I wake up

there's maggots in my teeth

do you like when I smile?

do you want to see the filth i keep inside?

would you care if I was the bugs? would you care if I was the rot?

I am piloting this corpse you are so attached to

do you want to see me vomit?

do you want to see my tits?

if you do

will you ignore the bugs coming out

whenever I try and speak?

ive got you fooled

you dont know me

you dont know a single thing I think

you dont know anything about me

and I think its better that way

[sivkpervmilk-chan]

long lasting effects of neglect

alot of children who grew up neglected in some way dont even realise it untill it starts to affect their daily functioning when they finally have to take care of themselves.

these are the greasy teenagers who dont brush their teeth, the middle aged women who dont know why everything is so much harder for them, the homeless.. ect..

neglect is such a huge issue that its never even considered when seeking treatment. alot of people will get labeled as adhd, stupid, lazy,

they are the people who's parents mock them for not being able to take care of themselves. how are you 23 and dont know how to do your laundry!

a child, in terms of knowledge, is a completely blank slate. if you never mention to them, or teach them, how to do something, they won't learn.

this isnt just for physical things. children of neglect often have emotional needs that went unnoticed, ignored, and as a adult they are pushed into the world with no skills on how to self regulate.

if you were neglected for your entire childhood, you do not know what is needed for you to be happy and healthy. I see alot of them avoiding appointments, any sort of Healthcare or therapy, neglecting school...

sometimes all thats needed to get someone back on track is telling them, teaching them, thr things you assume they learned when they were younger. to me, its second nature to use a stove and an oven. many of my friends who have went through neglect as well weren't taught cooking skills, and are likely to end up eating microwave meals and fast food when they do get their independence. it is fueling them, and yes, food is better than no food, but they are still at a disadvantage because they dont have the skills to make themselves a proper meal.

along with avoiding Healthcare, they also are more likely to do things that could put their health at risk.

I wasnt sure the point i was trying to make, but if you've been neglected your whole life, you are inadequatly prepared to take care of yourself, and it is no ones fault but the people who neglected you.

[sivkpervmilk-chan]

being told you are smarter, more able, more responsible for your actions than other people, expecially as a child, fucks with your brain

I was told I was the smartest. my dad praised me for being the smartest kid, being the most responsible and intelligent. alot of this came from his own vaguely narciccist beliefs of his own inflated intelligence. I have no real idea wether i am actually smart, or if I have been hyped up my whole life into my own grandiose belief I am more intelligent.

any time I showed any emotional need, it was dismissed because "im too smart for that stuff".

my brothers, on the other hand, were called bad kids. immature young boys.

their outbursts and behavior were also not cared to, but they had a reason to be like that. when they hurt me, I was expected to forgive and forget because I should understand how immature they are compared to me.

yhis led me to be trapped in my own mental prison with strict police. I cried? I clearly did it on purpose as i had something to gain from appearing emotional. I was angry? cant you see that you are manipulating me?

I became a person who felt indebted to save other people from themselves. they were helpless! their mind wasnt as sharp as mine, they were animals compared to me. or maybe children, I dont know

I could talk myself out of any emotion or urge I felt.

I was hit? I must've not treaded carefully enough. I should know not to anger others because they cant help it.

I never had the expirience of trusting my parents. some kids get the childlike wonder where they idolize and almost worship their parents.

it was the complete opposite for me. my father idolized me, came to me for support, used me, blamed me, like a petulant toddler. he was the one crying in my arms.

when abuse or neglect happened, I turned it inwards. I was too smart to be forgetting to shower, so I must be doing it on purpose.

an argument? I was too smart to disagree! if i tried to, I was mocked and called stupid. and if they did admit i was right, it was my fault for making it into an argument.

I had no self esteem or worth besides for my apparent "intelligence". I couldn't belive anyone would take advantage of me. what is there to take? I am nothing!

I was too smart to be abused! if anything happened, it was my fault! I let my guard down on purpose because I wanted to be hurt.

I still do, want to be hurt.

[sivkpervmilk-chan]

I dont like how news channels are separated by political affiliation. if I wanted to see political news id want afew people with different opinions and then like a guy who only states the proven facts with no bias

[sivkpervmilk-chan]

My 2026 end of year resolution is that I hope I learn how to strap by then. How am I supposed to fuck if my strapgame weak?

[sivkpervmilk-chan]

transmale House AU where his leg is fucked up cause the phalloplasty skin graft got infected or smth

[shadowcerise]

[failedandfallen]

really love the idea of being forcemasced by some dude who’s convinced he knows me better than I know myself. And maybe he does.

Some pretentious dude who smokes cigarettes and rolls his eyes at billboard top 40 music and seems to just have beef with the world, but likes me, really likes me, maybe to an obsessive degree, maybe loves me, maybe stalks me, and is determined to set me free from society.

gives me an edible. holds me down while giving me my t shot and shotgunning cigarette smoke into my mouth. goes on some diatribe about how people are sheep or something idk while fucking me.