Pretending to kill it since 2004

Fake it til you make it.

[sotypicalelle]

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Licking my wounds

Trying not to drink my calories

Thinking of taking meetings

You know,

Trying new things

Counting down days to Prozac

When everything inside of me screams

But white knuckling builds character

Let's just see what tomorrow brings

**oh hi Tumblr... It's only been like 2 years**

[sotypicalelle]

The best thing about living in the PNW is that even when it is cold, they think it is a BEAUTIFUL day as long as it isn't raining.

Anywhere else I have lived, unless it is a perfect 70-80, no humidity, and clear skies with little breeze, people always have some negativity to spew about the weather.

[sotypicalelle]

I have been here a month. It took 14 years, 6 cities, and thousands of miles to get here. My next new city is the same as his, my address a mere 3 miles from him.

Now when I drive to the nearest Trader Joe's, the route takes me past his building.

But I can't see him. A literal pandemic sweeps across the country. We all are supposed to wear masks now, and I wonder if I was ever supposed to end up here.

Isn't it Ironic, don't you think?

[sotypicalelle]

How are you feeling after your surgery?

It has been a hot minute since o have been on here... Came across this question from anonymous from last year when I had my surgery... Here is a little side by side for y'all I posted on my IG on my 1 year surgiversary. I am down 125 lbs from my high weight in May 2017 and 112 lbs from when I started my pre-op diet

[sotypicalelle]

I suppose I should post a side by side. The photo on the right was taken this past summer. The one on the left last week. Not a ton of progress, but I see some. I also see a deflating set of tittays. *Sigh* Also if you want to follow me on Instagram: @elleraedee

[sotypicalelle]

Post Op Day 19. I am sorry I haven't written sooner

I have to say that the last few weeks have been an absolute whirlwind. The worst part of my gastric sleeve surgery was the first 6 hours after surgery. They couldn't get my blood pressure down and I was extremely uncomfortable mostly due to my body not being a fan of fentanyl. As soon as they got my BP under control they sent me up to my room where they offered me morphine. I took it and passed out for a good 5 hours. They didn't give me anything for pain after that other than alternating IV acetaminophen and ibuprofen. I was a little bit jealous of my neighbor who got to eat breakfast but then when they brought me the chicken broth I requested I was in heaven. I went home the next day in the afternoon because they had to get one more CBC because my H&H was a little bit low but they did acknowledge that it was probably skewed because of all the fluids they were giving me. I went home and had a few issues with gas pain but I walked around plenty and manage to sleep in my bed the first night home. I had purchased a couch with a recliner in anticipation of not being comfortable in bed but it wasn't even an issue. I slept on my back for the first couple nights and woke up with headaches for the first four mornings that I was home. I had no problems getting in my fluids or my protein and I was quite mobile after day 2. I took the oxy and the anti nausea med for 2 days and then just moved to acetaminophen for pain. I stopped taking the acetaminophen after about 5 days. I had my first bowel movement which was a huge win on day 3. I took Miralax and Colace for a couple days and then everything started to go back to the natural patterns although I'm only going once maybe twice a day now.

I drove for the first time on my third day home. I did a decent amount of walking while my mom was here helping me. I had a little bit of pain in my large incision but otherwise I felt pretty good. I made my way through liquids to purees and I'm now on soft foods. The chewing all the chewing makes me want to eat things that don't require so much chewing... Haha. I actually made a cake for my roommate on my 9th day out from surgery because I just needed to do something. I didn't eat any of it I've been 98% good on my diet. I did try some pulled pork which was a huge mistake which I will not be doing again until I'm at least 6 weeks out.

I joined the gym on my 10th day out of surgery and I've gone 5 times in the last week. Just doing mostly treadmill walking, but I have been challenging myself to run for 30 second intervals. It feels amazing. I feel generally amazing. I can't wait to start lifting weights as my surgeon said it would be okay by the 26th.

I am currently down 12 pounds from surgery date, 25 lbs from liquid diet start, and 40 lbs from my high weight last May.

I hit my first stall a week out from surgery and stayed at the same exact weight for a solid week. The scale finally moved again on Friday and things are looking good.

I started at 385 and I am now 345. It is unreal and I could not be more happy about the decision I made to do this.

[sotypicalelle]

This is where shit gets real

I have a surgery date. It is March 28th. Three weeks to the day right now.

I am starting to get nervous, but I am not self sabotaging. I have not felt like I have tried to sabotage anything for a few months now. I begin my pre-op diet next Wednesday, but I feel like the last 7 months haven't prepared me for shit but I know it did.

In the mean time, I am being recruited for a job back in the south. They said they would hold it for me until I am healed. I don't know what the best decision is when it comes to relocating away from my bariatric program. Likely a question for post-op but the potential new job offer could be a very very good opportunity. I need my therapist to be back from her vacation in the Florida Keys so I can talk this out.

I was thinking as I lay in bed... I have been obese to morbidly obese for at least 25 years. Being the big girl is stitched into my soul. It is overwhelming to think that all the work and self talk around worthiness regardless of being that big girl has gotten me to this point. I have become so so so good at being amazing *despite* everything that society attempts to impart on people of size.

I was body positive before body positive was a thing.

I fought tooth and nail for my place despite my size, because it never was a thing, because I have built a mountain of professional success when I was told that it may be difficult to get a good job being a big girl.

But now I have to grapple with trying not to think that losing weight will make me ordinary, because I have been an extraordinary 380lb woman.

The work I have done to this point on this journey or in my life is nothing compared to the work that I will do once I am off that operating table.

[thatkindofwoman]

I want to love, fully and openly, every woman who isn’t like me, and who is exactly like me.

 I’m peculiar, and only became lovable by certain women in my 23rd year. I gave up trying to be what women thought they wanted in a friend. 

I don’t shut my mouth, when I love your hair, or your laugh, or the way you walk through the room with confidence I shout to you across the room about it.

Mostly because I throw my hair around like a matador conducts a red cape , I left my laugh out in the bar like an empty drink, and walk through bar like I’m walking over bodies I slayed on a battle field. 

It takes so much out of me. It takes everything out of me, to shut up the voice that is a woman that isn’t nice to me. That snear’s at me in the bathroom mirror. That rejects the compliments I feel. That puts up her nose, and walks out of the room to be with someone better. 

Women are flawed. We are dumb luck. We are taught by everyone and everything, even each other, not to take up space. Wait, did you read that… not to take up space. 

Isn’t that horrendous, a tragedy, a fucking injustice to every woman, girl, and child?

 We women are raised not to imposed on others with the physical existence of ourselves that is completely and totally out of our control.

I’m tall. I’m right at that average size for a woman, double digits but not quite what you’d want. A 12. But sometimes I’m a 14. Sometimes my chest is bigger, and the bras I have don’t fit, my ass has gotten better because im 28 and I work a desk job on the days I don’t get to tear, rip or move something.

I don’t fucking care what you think about my body. What I hope you see is that I love the cuve of neck, I love the length of my legs, and the way my wrists move. The curve of my back catches my eye. I love that I’m soft and strong. I’m tall, and you can’t dismiss me. I love how my eyes change colors when I’m happy and I’m the only one that sees it. 

I hate that others expect me to be something they assume I am. I hate when people expect the world from me. I’m flawed, I’m luck, I’ve been taught by society that I shouldn’t take up room. I was taught by my parents that I deserve to be heard and help other be heard. Don’t just move up, make way for others who are with you on the lowest levels, make room for those below you. 

I’m not sorry you don’t love me. 

I’m just sorry we’re all taught to not trust what other people tell us. Because you know damn well that ugly voice I carry around tells me not to trust the most lovely things people have told me. 

I want you to know I mean it. I really mean it. Right now. I fucking mean it. 

[sotypicalelle]

"cum for me" might as well be "I love you"

We orgasm together via wavelengths

Our lips never actually touched

But I like to hear you tell me

And I like you to hear me moan

"This is the closest I have come to telling a dude I like him in YEARS"

As I say goodnight and hang up the phone.

[sotypicalelle]

Conversations on why bariatric surgery is what I am choosing

[sotypicalelle]

The only people I HAVE to love unconditionally at this point in my life are Beatrix (because she IS a person dammit) and my immediate family.

The only people I expect to love ME unconditionally at this point in my life are my immediate family and Beatrix.

Being in continued protection of your energy and your spirit is tough work, but it is work that has to be put in and is extremely important if you are working on things/goals larger than yourself. It is selfish, but sometimes selfishness is justified.

There is work to be done and if it means that I can't spend time with emotionally masochistic people or people that aren't trying to walk the path similarly to the way I am trying to walk it, then that is how it is to be. If I hurt anyone's feelings in the process, I am sorry that I can't deal with your issues while I am trying to deal with my own.

[sotypicalelle]

She spends time making up for lost time and never getting anywhere.

[sotypicalelle]

I'm struggling with something.

With the prospect of losing a lot of weight in a short amount of time and maybe opening up my dating prospects, is there anyone in my metro area that I would even be interested in dating?

I've never seen my weight as an issue but other people have. But that was their issue not my own.

How will I approach dating knowing everything that I know about dating as a bigger girl?

I almost feel like I need to go someplace different because I'm afraid that I might be resentful considering my lack of luck in dating where I currently reside. Because you know how attractive a girl with a chip on her shoulder is..

[sotypicalelle]

It has been over two weeks since Mirena. No anxiety. None.

Still not counting my chickens.

I got a text from my family on Friday that my grandmother was put hospice care. I didn't know she was having issues. Apparently she has been on the decline since she broke her hip. She left us Saturday evening while all the "important" parties were attending other things, while my cousin and his wife were visiting. Just over an hour after my brother and his wife left her. She was 95, stubborn, and I see pieces of her in me and I embrace them all. The funeral is tomorrow. I will be missing it because costs to get home are too much and I don't have any extra time to take and I am already slated to return to Wisconsin for a visit in less than two weeks. I wish she would have held on longer.

I am back on OkCupid. I was contacted by a woman and I felt this thing I haven't felt in awhile, an attraction, a connection, something. As of today I have my first actual date with a woman to take place on Friday. I have been intimate with women, but I have never actually dated them. In many ways I feel like this is a long time coming, but how I am trying to take this on along with everything else is beyond me, but here I am doing it.

I am sure I will write more later, but I needed to get some of this out before I go to bed.

[sotypicalelle]

https://www.instagram.com/p/BZ6qxvBnFIQ/

[sotypicalelle]

I almost don't want to talk about it in fear I will jynx myself

First off, I had the Mirena placed last Thursday. Since then I have had almost no anxiety. I have had a pretty steady stream of anxiety over the last year that has had me sucking down stress relief teas (Yogi Kava to be specific), taking Orchex supplements, doing cannabis, and when none of these things were available going to my trusty food and booze.

I know it has been less than a week, but I have not had any issues with anxiety at all. Like absolutely none. Usually like clockwork it creeps up between 6-8 pm, and nothing lately. Even when I had let the caffeine go, the anxiety still creeped in. I am hopeful that this is what I have needed. But time will tell.

Also I had my upper GI endoscopy today. It was my first "surgical" procedure ever. I was nervous about being put under but it literally was NOTHING. I came out of the procedure room chatting everyone up like it was my job and telling my surgeon he can just do my wls tomorrow because I am READY... And then the anesthesia wore off, then I was more realistic haha.

They found a little bit of inflammation in my stomach which wouldn't surprise me considering my use of Ibuprofen these days for the hotel gig and the pain I have from standing all day. They also clipped two polyps they figure are benign, but they are getting sent off to histology anyway.

But nothing that the doctor saw would disqualify me for either vsg or rny.

I have my next nutritionist appointment in two weeks and I am trying to get shit together. I am really trying not to drink over the next week's/month/long term. Anyone who knows me knows this is probably the biggest challenge of all. I haven't gone more than a month without some form of alcohol in (not even kidding) about 20+ years. I started drinking pretty regularly on the weekends at least around age 15. I have had my binge drinking years, we will call them my 20s. My years when it might have been a "problem" to anyone who was not born and raised in Wisconsin. Drinking is a huge issue for me and any weight loss goals I might have, because more often than not it leads to binge eating, so eliminating it can and will only do good things for myself and any weight loss goals surgical or not.

It is one thing to say all these things and acknowledge them, but putting them in action is the next necessary step.

I see my therapist on Friday for our initial appointment. So. Many. Appointments. But it is all for the greater good.

[sotypicalelle]

Tomorrow marks 2 months since I officially entered this wls journey.

I have learned so much so far about myself and have done so many things to try to improve and to take care of myself.

It has been about a month since I have said that I was going to give up caffeine and over three weeks since my last caffeinated beverage.

I met with a social worker and I didn’t hate her I have another meeting with her in a couple weeks. I have a meeting with a different therapist outside of the program to try to work on some of my stuff. I did my sleep study and it came back as me having moderate sleep apnea. They suggest a CPAP which sounds awful to me but apparently it’s supposed to help me even though I really don’t have any issues sleeping and I’m really not tired during the day. I have an endoscopy scheduled for Monday the 25th and I’m freaking out a little bit but at the same time kind of calm.

I met with a gyno. I haven’t seen a gynecologist in a few years the last time being when I had my paraguard taking out who made me feel like all of my emotional issues and anxiety had nothing to do with it and didn’t really talk to me about the pmdd that I may have been suffering from or that I know I’ve been suffering from for years now. For the first time I felt like I was being listened to and it was the first time that somebody told me that I likely have pmdd. We discussed all the treatment options and the only one that we both came to an agreement on is Mirena. I’ve been hesitant to do another IUD but this one is different or it’s supposed to be and it’s the only thing I haven’t thought of and haven’t tried. It will also benefit me by the fact that if / when I have WLS I’ll need some form of birth control because Lord knows pregnancy is not exactly what I want to deal with right now or even in the next couple years or possibly even ever.

I had a moment at support group last night I wish that I could repeat it verbatim but it just all rolled out of my mouth it was the most that I’ve shared. I’m surprisingly calm about this for now even if I did go to this meeting for Life class today and was up about 6 lb but I’m days out from my period so it makes sense and I haven’t been behaving myself on the weekends like I should be.

One of the things that really highly suggest is not drinking for 6 to 12 months after bariatric surgery. This will be by far harder than caffeine. I need to try to think of other things to do to entertain myself other than go out to eat or drink.

It’s so crazy that I’m here and then I’m considering all of this but I feel like I need to be here and I feel like I need to continue to embrace the decision.