Avid introvert. Soulful lover. Over thinker 🕊

[soulfullintrovert]

Honestly every time I see you, I just want to disappear. The feeling weighs so heavily on me. I’ve been struggling mentally. It’s been exhausting since you ghosted. Every time we reconnect and something happens, you are always so quick to block me and cut me off and I can’t deal with it anymore. I just want to crawl up in a ball and never come out. My mind wanders and I overthink because you don’t give me anything. You hold back when you’re with me. Every interaction with you, feels like the last one. You leave me in the dark then suddenly show up when you want some fun. I am nothing but a good time to you. You leave me guessing and wondering about what I did to deserve the emptiness that you drown me in. I feel so much for you and it sucks.

[soulfullintrovert]

Even if we never end up being together, the way I see you will never change. You are peace, you are my joy. I hope you know how beautiful you are. And if not, I pray that one day someone walks into your life and makes you realise how incredible you truly are. I look for pieces of you in everyone that I meet. Loving you feels like honey and home. Sweet, safe. I can’t explain the yearning that I feel for you, it’s as if my soul fell in love with yours before my body even existed. You are everything and more I could ever hope to love and be loved by. I would do it all again a million times over if it meant I would spend the rest of my life loving you.

[soulfullintrovert]

I’ve come to the realisation that for the past few years, I’ve been trying so hard to be validated by you. I know now, no matter what I say or do, i will never be enough.

[soulfullintrovert]

And should our souls reunite again, I pray that it is only so that we may bring peace to each other.

An excerpt from the last letter I sent him.

[soulfullintrovert]

I pray my black daughter never grows up wishing she was someone else.

[soulfullintrovert]

My breath escapes my body as fast as my legs want to escape you. You are my trigger. A constant reminder of a past I am so afraid of returning back to. My lungs feel suppressed from the burdens I carry on my shoulders. My tears feel heavy. They carry guilt, large enough to fill the oceans. Your presence surrounds me with fear. Fear of what I’ll do to myself, if I let you consume me.

- feeling everything all at once, but nothing at all.

[soulfullintrovert]

I am nothing but a good time to you. You leave me guessing and wondering about what I did to deserve the emptiness that you drown me in.

- Fleeting infatuation

[soulfullintrovert]

Toxic.

That word seems to come out of your mouth more often when you’re with me. In a way, I agree with you. We are toxic together. We are running in a constant cycle of heartbreak. We spend years building ourselves back up and one moment sends us crawling back to the start line. It is exhausting. We struggle to keep our hands of each other but you have made it very loud and clear that nothing is to come of this. I agree. The truth is, we bring out the worst parts of each other. We are clouded by desire, lust and infatuation. It feels idyllic. So euphoric that I lose my soul in yours. We use our bodies quickly but tread so lightly with our words. There’s an emptiness that comes with you. The silence that you leave me after your lips glide against my skin sends me into a helpless spiral of betrayal. I let you back in too easily. There is guilt attached to our hearts. It follows us around like petty shadows consuming our thoughts and actions. I miss our innocence. This constant cycle will make us both go mad. The worst part is, it’s the kind of madness that keeps us wanting more.

[soulfullintrovert]

There’s something so freeing about feeling your body float against the gentle waves. As you’re floating, you realise how small you are in comparison to the ocean, to the world, to the universe. There’s a peace that fills you. It’s quiet and unwavering. It feels like all my worries and sadness are being washed over me by the coolness of the waves. This is my escape - to be free from judgement in a world that constantly dictates who I should be. Constantly seeking a way out - I don’t want to drown from the burdens of this dunya (temporal world).

[soulfullintrovert]

If there’s one thing I know how to do really well, it’s beat myself up for failing. If I don’t get the new job, don’t ace the interview, don’t get that new car, forget to do something important or even not that important. I will tear myself down every time. There’s a voice at the back of my head that always comes out to wear me out. I call myself dumb, stupid, incapable, a let down. It takes days for me to cheer myself up again. It takes sooo much in me to celebrate my successes but so little effort to tear myself down. I don’t want to be a disappointment but most of the time, I feel like it. Why is it so hard for me to accept success for myself? Why do I have such low expectations of myself? Why am I never proud of myself?

Why do I wear myself out?

[soulfullintrovert]

When I was growing up, I craved one thing. I wanted to be able to go to my mother and tell her everything that I was feeling. I craved her attention, her love , her support and an open ear. But instead I felt myself drowning in my own thoughts and in my own sadness. When I was upset, she would force me to talk by shouting in my face and saying comments like “there’s no need to be upset because of that”. Sometimes she would notice that I was upset, give me a disgusted look and ignore me. I cried, and cried, and cried. I grew up thinking that a person like me ‘shy, introverted and antisocial’ was not made to be loved. I only wanted for someone to hug me, to hold me tight and to tell me everything was going to be okay. Instead I found myself slapping and scratching at my arms at the most silenced hours of the night. I knew one thing. I hated everything about myself. I wished that I woke up in another body. Distant from my habits. Untied from my weaknesses. Flying free from my flaws. As a quiet child, I felt broken. unheard. unwanted. I am 25 now. I still find it hard to communicate. I still hold my cards close to my chest. I still cry about how people made me feel. I am a work in progress. I will keep trying, to love myself (again).

PS. I forgive you.

[soulfullintrovert]

I’m sorry for making you feel like you didn’t matter. You did, you always will. I wouldn’t trade you for the world.

[soulfullintrovert]

3AM.

Unspoken words dance throughout the room,

Forming an image of you amongst the darkness.

At 3am words and memories don’t sleep,

But ache in your absence.

Pulsating at the thought of you,

I transcend to a euphoric world.

You and I are intimately weaved together like needle and thread,

Wrapped and bounded by the Universe.

Like Orion’s belt, our constellations meet

At the tips of our fingers, down to the footsteps

that make love to the beat beneath us.

The sweet blues echo throughout the walls

We exchange soft lips and fragile poems.

Moving in synchronised motion

Your eyes gleam bright like the love that possesses you

Gliding back and forth with resplendent finesse.

Enraptured by your seamless eloquence,

Frozen by your lustful, artsy eyes.

I can’t seem to hold on to your fading image

Quivering with tight fists

Longing for your infatuated love,

Baby catch me with whole arms,

I am ready to drown in you.

- You are beautiful and I’m not afraid.

[soulfullintrovert]

Opening up

Opening up feels like my lungs are being suppressed, It’s never been an easy thing to do simply because I’ve always been very afraid of people and their intentions. They say one thing yet treat me completely different. I’ve kept many things to myself over the years, and it has eaten me alive, closed my heart to genuine people and love. I hated pushing you away, I couldn’t get things off my chest.

I broke you, I broke myself.

[soulfullintrovert]

Not over it |

I try to convince myself that I’m okay with the fact that he blocked me. But I’m not. I’m not okay with it. I keep questioning myself. I ask myself why would he? What did I do? Did I offend him? And the worst part of it is that I can’t give myself any answers. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning. I hate myself for not being able to get over him. I hate myself for still having hope in us after all these years. I hate that I won’t let him go despite the fact that he clearly wants nothing to do with me. I hate the fact that I still think about him every second of every day and I know that I’m not even a passing thought to him. I’m frustrated, I’m angry. I’m in pain. I hate him. But I love him. And I hate myself. I don’t love myself. It’s hard. I just don’t know. I’m not over us. I’m not over him but I want to be. I can’t take it anymore.

[soulfullintrovert]

I feel like I’m suffocating under a blanket of unsaid words.

Only you can save me.

[soulfullintrovert]

Seeing him again brings back a flood of memories. I don’t know how he managed to move on. I can’t seem to switch off my feelings no matter how long it’s been. I don’t want to stop loving him but I want to stop loving him because I know that this love will never be reciprocated. It’s hard. We are strangers, I don’t like this feeling. I want to talk to him and tell him that I miss him. But I don’t want to make a fool out of myself again. I don’t regret telling him how I felt but I don’t think I have it in me to do it again. This feels like a test. It always has and I think I’m failing. Sinking. Free-falling. Suffocating.