They Used To Call Me Bubbles

Kind of a hot mess. I use this space to dump my thoughts.

[bubbles-burst]

[waspsinyouryard]

admittedly i know little of the subject but one would think, at 45 years of age, he would be a ryan goose by now

[bubbles-burst]

Ok, since I lost that shift, I’m going to go with my original plan, which was to SLEEP (too late to sleep in but I can take a nap!) and check out a local pride event 🌈🌈🌈

Basically I’m just going to pretend she never asked me to work, and try to not be upset about it. 😂

[bubbles-burst]

Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

I was out with friends last night and decided last minute to invite NJ. I kind of wanted their opinion of him, plus I wanted to get laid.

He showed up at the bar at nine, we had some drinks and then went to my place. By the time we were finished, it was midnight, so I decided to ask him to sleep over. I don’t sleep well with other people. KD and I stopped sharing a bed over ten years ago. But I knew I didn’t have work today and figured it was a good time to try.

Well, it went as expected, I didn’t sleep well, we were up at 6:00, and had coffee and he left. But since he was here, I didn’t check my phone and I missed a text at 4am from my boss!!! Someone had called out for today. She was looking for coverage, but by the time I checked my phone at 6:00, she’d found someone.

I’m so annoyed! If he hadn’t been here, I would’ve definitely checked my phone one of the many times I get up to pee, and I could’ve worked today for double pay since it was call back 😡😡 that’s a $500 shift and since it’s Saturday, it would have been easy money.

Fuck fuck fuck. Now I’m tired and grumpy and didn’t sleep well AND I feel like I need to be extra productive since I “lost” $500.

[bubbles-burst]

Overheard in the hospital cafeteria (table next to me): the only exercise I get is jumping through hoops.

[pathologising]

one thing about me is that I am going to cry

[bubbles-burst]

My therapist is working me onto her schedule today, thank god.

[bubbles-burst]

KD is on another work trip with TG, and I agreed to go up to his house a couple times with H to feed the cats and check the mail etc.

I just got here and I’m legit having a panic attack. There are too many shitty awful memories here. I don’t want to be here. I don’t belong here anymore.

I know I’m being melodramatic - it’s just a house, and my son still lives here so I need to be ok with occasionally being in it! But I’m feeding these cats and getting out of here!

[creekfiend]

[bubbles-burst]

There’s this song “Somebody that I used to know” and I was thinking about it yesterday.

How do you go from talking to someone every day for almost thirty years - knowing every intimate about them - being best friends - to just….nothing.

Where does the love go? Does it really go away or does it just go somewhere else? Is it like water, it just transforms into a different state like steam or ice, or a stream that diverts to a different path?

I think energy can’t really be created or destroyed, it just changes form - so is love the same way?

I miss the updates - sending texts and memes throughout the day to keep the other person in the loop. I really miss the couple’s debriefings - on the drive home from work, or at night - sitting with my feet in his lap as we talked over the day. Where did you guys go to breakfast? What this patient said to me. What your boss told you about HIS boss. Oh Mom called, she has an appointment coming up. Got the plane tickets for our trip in November. H got his report card, he pulled his Spanish grade up to a B. I felt sad when my coworker left me out of the group lunch order. I felt annoyed when the exam room wasn’t restocked. I enjoyed a new song I heard. I’m excited to see my brother this weekend.

Just…the stuff. All the tiny little parts that make up a day, make up LIFE - sharing that with someone and someone sharing that with you and the KNOWING someone, the intimacy of knowing. Knowing how someone takes their coffee, knowing someone’s favorite snacks, knowing which coworker pisses them off, knowing they had a good day if their friendly coworker was there. Knowing someone. Sharing with someone.

When I really started to get worried about TG, was when I found out that they were having daily conversations. When I looked at his phone history and they would have talked for two hours. Multiple times a week. What do you have to talk to someone about for two hours? That’s intimacy. Who is the first person you say good morning to? Who’s is the last person you speak to at night? Who do you share your life with?

And when someone leaves, what do you do with all that? I still have thoughts. I still have feelings. I still have stories. But I don’t have anyone to share them with anymore.

[bubbles-burst]

Had a rough moment when I got to my parent’s house tonight. Just a lot of memories here, some of them good and some of them from last year when I was still desperately trying to save my marriage. And it was around this same time - like the summer of 2025, things were really coming to a head. I think October is going to be another really hard month, because it was the last gasp of hope, and then November, the day he left for good. And then it will have been a year and at that point, there will be no more “firsts” - all the anniversaries will have passed and I can be like, already did that, I’m fine!

But yeah, I just had a really big cry just now. Trying to let myself feel the sad, find the gratitude, and keep moving forward.

[great-gatsby]

every reread kills me a little bit more

[great-gatsby]

reread and enjoy <3

[fuckrozanov]

do you think shane ever gets irrationally furious about the ear thing with the girl in the club. like it's been years and ilya has shane underneath him and he's kissing him all over but then he gets to shane's ear and shane goes rigid. ilya is like what. shane says no sorry i just didn't realize i was getting the ilya rozanov special 😐 is this standard with every purchase or did i unlock premium. ilya kindly doesn't bring up that shane went home and had sex with his literal girlfriend that same night

[cathedral-of-the-forest]

The best way to stop being afraid of things that go bump in the night is to become one.

[aichu-dechu]

[theshoesofatiredman]

Something that's genuinely so eerie is that after spending enough time outside of Christianity, the responses that Christians give to questions or the things they say in conversation start to sound so canned it stops sounding like you're even talking with a person. It's like one moment I'm talking to my mother and the next she's telling me that God's ways are higher than our ways and in her feeble human mind she cannot begin to imagine what it's like to be God and somehow that means she doesn't have to view the amount of suffering in the world as a contradiction. And the shift is so jarring that it feels like I activated a sleeper agent, like I'm not talking to my mom anymore but the person she was programmed to be by her religion. And she sincerely believes what she's saying too. She may sound like she's parroting the party line but it's a lone she's bought into fully. And it's even crazier because I know I used to sound exactly the same. I know I used to code switch hard into the same sayings and had no awareness of how it sounded. They sound like they're in a cult

[bubbles-burst]

Sometimes I’ll be around Christians, and I want them to feel comfortable and relax, see me as an ally, so I’ll switch it on for them. Like, it’s a very specific choice I can make, to speak like that - a language I don’t use anymore, but I still remember. It feels a little gross, but I’m also glad I have the ability to do it, because it comes in handy if I’m trying to put them at ease or get them to lower their guard.

[bubbles-burst]

Oof. This one hit hard.