i needed a place to reflect and help me ease out of tough mental spots that i seem to increasingly go through. for some reason my first thought was xanga (hello 2007) but, then i remembered tumblr existed and i still have an account here.
it kind of feels weird to log back in and look back on a life that once was, but is now no more. at a time when i was married, younger, a bit broken. i looked to tv shows and characters as an escape. in some ways, i think it kept me pretty grounded. until my mind began to wander from the fantasy worlds of doctor who and sherlock and the real world hit me. i don’t think i’ve ever really been the same.
i haven’t had the easiest life. i mean, in comparison to others... yeah. but we can’t sit and compare our lives to others, then what worth is it? i never had it easy with relationships, yet i thrived off of them. a relationship was, and is, like oxygen to me. i was bullied in school, and even as an adult. i skipped college, and luckily made it fine career wise but not without several bad jobs and managers and terminations along the way. i’ve never had it good with money. i don’t get addicted to much, but shopping is the exception, and it’s bad. if i didn’t have shopping i would probably be a drug addict by now. i am incapable of seeing myself as others claim to; i see nothing beautiful about me. but even so, i do nothing about the things that bother me. i don’t take care of my hair, my skin, my body, my mind. i finally, finally have everything i want and need in a relationship but i still find ways to pick it apart, ways to pick MYSELF apart mostly, such as i’m failing. i’m not enough. i don’t do enough. i do too much. i’m ugly. i’m annoying, and it’s going to lead to him wanting someone else. it’s an endless cycle. a vicious cycle. i just want peace in my own mind. and i don’t know how to attain it.
where do i go from here?
