who cares

If chrischan can outlive their past so can you.

[soundlessmind]

Dont take anything i say here too seriously.

Im more of a concept than a real voice.

art blog

unspecified comic

unwarranted operations comic

[soundlessmind]

I hope one day you make peace within yourself and stop hurting others to justify the guilt that enables you to hurt others

[soundlessmind]

"Why would you think someone following you means you're friends?"

First of all that's not what i was talking about.

Second excuse the fuck out of me for thinking you weren't such an insecure dickhead.

[soundlessmind]

"Oh look at me everyone! I so don't care about anything or anyone at all! Please give me the praise I needed and never received as a child! everyone is stupid but me!"

I hope one day you learn you didn't need your parents approval.

[soundlessmind]

"Why would you think someone following you means you're friends?"

First of all that's not what i was talking about.

Second excuse the fuck out of me for thinking you weren't such an insecure dickhead.

[soundlessmind]

Ive spent 31 years on this earth and something that always comes back to haunt every aspect of my journey thus far is that..

Everyone i have ever met with a sob story tried to hurt me no matter how nice i was to them.

Everyone i was nice to has treated me like an idiot from the start without question.

Every ounce of kindness i offer to other people is stepped on.

Every hand i extend to connect is bitten.

People treat me like a danger when ive done nothing wrong. Ive been threatened by people that warned me of lifes dangers.

My life personally has been invaded by people that pretend to be heros and act like demons.

I guess what im saying is despite trying endlessly to find what makes life so magical for others, i have failed.

Ive never felt any reason to be alive.

Maybe the only way you can is with an abject sense of selfishness and cruetly.

What must make life enjoyable for all the people who were smarter, kinder, more morally superior, must be an innate disposition to lack total empathy for others.

Maybe if i truely did not care, did not love, did not feel or understand, maybe then i could have been happy.

[soundlessmind]

[soundlessmind]

I feel nothing.

I feel numb and cold.

[soundlessmind]

Its just me

No one else

[soundlessmind]

Nah, i still wish i was dead sorry

[soundlessmind]

I don't want to be alive anymore

I haven't for a long time

I don't want to be involved in this life

I don't want to think about it anymore

I dont have it in me.

Everything I see just makes me sad

Or angry

Or scared

Or bitter.

Ill never be anything.

Ill never figure this out.

I never wanted any of it anyway.

I just want it to end.

[soundlessmind]

If i had a nickle for every time ive been

Used

Abused

Taken advantage of

Looked down on

Been over looked

Seen as lesser than

Seen as undeserving

Treated like garbage

Abandoned

Thrown away

Punished without reason

Punished for not being you

Manipulated

Warped

Pushed to the breaking point

Pushed to take less than i need

Pushed out of where i was invited

Or otherwise hust generally been mistreated because im just your local stupid redneck i guess.

Im just so dumb i couldnt possibly understand things the way you do.

Youre all so well learned and behaved.

But golly if i had a nickle for all that?

Maybe i wouldnt be sitting here worried that every day my stability could come to an irreparable end.

[soundlessmind]

You could tell me what to do

What to say

What to stand for

What to believe in

And no matter what, even if i followed it all to the letter

Id still be doing it wrong in your eyes.

No matter what i tried i could never match the visions of whatever complex you have.

I was never enough for you.

[soundlessmind]

Im changing, growing, moving beyond what i was.

But the spirit of the warrior is always with me.

Thats a funny reference, but im still haunted by threats.

I still cant unclench.

I still lay awake, twisted, tightened, unable to fully let go.

The anticipation of what may come if i do is whirling around just under the skin.

A boiling ocean of fear and anger, something thats always been within me.

Hiding, waiting, expecting the day that it has to come out.

My guardian from within.

[soundlessmind]

Maybe ill know what to believe in when i stop getting hit with that shitty patronizing attitude of yours.

Maybe when i feel respected as an equal ill know what to do, but right now its always felt like im just a pet to you.

[catchymemes]

[spottytonguedog]

This is legit the best thing I’ve read all day.

[scretladyspider]

Please read it, please

[cartoonnachos]

I will never not reblog this story

[soundlessmind]

That feeling when its just slightly colder than your body tempurature and you can feel your own body heat washing over your face

[batsandboba]

I haven’t been on tumblr for quite as long as a lot of people but over several years I’ve noticed this interesting gradual sorta,, shift in the general culture? that it went from this mostly depressed, nihilistic outlook where people would regularly joke about hating themselves and being hopeless and depressed, to a wave of vehemence of “STOP hating everything actually the world is Good and you deserve love!!!” type posts, to now, where those aggressive ‘PSAs’ have faded away and instead I regularly see people romanticizing simple things like stars and hot tea and rainy mornings, and waxing poetic about their friends, and just trying to put love out there. and I don’t know exactly what that means (someone who knows more than me could probably say something smart about generational expression and trauma or popular perception of mental health and whatnot), but I do know that it makes my heart very full to see people learn to love the world and themselves by extension, and a whole userbase adopting healthier coping mechanisms, and therefore teaching the younger users to do so as well. I might just be following different people, but I really do think we’ve grown. everyone has grown. five years ago it wasn’t unusual for the next post on my dash to be a scathing commentary on why nothing matters or an anon ripping into someone they barely knew or someone complaining about how pathetic their interests are. now I have mutuals who get excited and spam reblog art of cows and friends I see tagging each other in pictures of frogs and strangers writing paragraphs about how much I matter. it makes me happy. idk. just an observation I wanted to make. I think people are good and everyone’s just trying their best at the end of the day

[batsandboba]

I take it all back everyone on this site is toxic