You’re an ancient Greek man coming home from 4 months of war to find your wife 3 months pregnant. Now you’ve embarked on a solemn quest: to punch Zeus in the face.
Soon after you begin your quest, you encounter another man in a similar situation. You decide to join forces, as two mortal men stand a better chance at punching Zeus than one. Two villages over, you encounter a woman who had relations with Zeus and was left with a highly aggressive half-boar half-man offspring. She too feels your anger and offers to join your quest. By the time you reach Mount Olympus, you’ve amassed a large and formidable army of cuckolded/ravished mortals, demigods with daddy issues, mythical creatures with scores to settle, and a seamstress who you’re pretty sure is Hera in disguise. Zeus never stood a chance.
What I find best about this scenario is that the original wife probably expected to be murdered for her infidelity at worst or have her relationship with her husband ruined as he grew to resent her baby, at best.
Instead this man looked at his beloved and said, “who did it?”
And she replied “Zeus,” accepting he probably wouldn’t believe her.
And then he sighed, strapped his sandals back on and said, “I’ll be back before the baby is born.”
“Where are you-?”
“The lord of the sky came into my house, molested my wife in my bed and ate my food. I am going to settle the score.”
“Darling, he’ll kill you.”
“He may try, if he would like.”
Thank you all so so much for waiting. As I promised, here it is- all 17 pages, 4,985 words.
Ryo And the March Of Zeus Hunters
Under the cycle of succession, each new ruler of the cosmos must be overthrown by the next generation of gods. Ouranos was cut into pieces and cast into the sea by his son, Kronos, who was cut into pieces and cast the bowels of the underworld by his son, Zeus. Zeus was overthrown for a brief time by Typhon, who ripped out his tendons and trapped him in a cave, guarded by the monster known as Delphine. He then took his leave as king of the heavens and particularly delighted in causing mortals to flee for their lives by his very presence.
One day, as Typhon stomped into a small village, a lone woman stood, staring, as throngs of her neighbors ran for their lives. Her hair whipped in the wind that roared in Typhon’s presence, her eyes sparkled with the fire he bellowed from his horrible maw, her skin flushing as his massive form towered over her. A small part of her wondered if he might crush her beneath a massive cloven hoof. That part was also sure that wouldn’t be a horrible way to die.
But he did not crush her- he saw her. And he took her lack of running as a grievous insult, which required explanation before she was destroyed.
“YOU!!” Roared Typhon, pointing at her with one long, gnarled talon, “YOU DARE STAND AND FACE ME, MORTAL GIRL? I, TYPHON, FATHER OF MONSTERS AND DETHRONER OF ZEUS?! EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO TYPHON!! SPEAK!!”
When Tetraphia spoke, it was not a terrified shriek or a desperate plea for her life; instead, she said breathlessly, “Lord Typhon, forgive my transgression. It’s just, you are the most beautiful creature I have ever seen.”
~~~
The other gods re-built Zeus with his tendons and Typhon was defeated a mere month into his tryst with Tetraphia and his rule of the world, but by then it was too late. Tetraphia bore a son, and when ordered to present the child to Zeus, he was deemed to be not as monstrous as his father’s other children. And thus, Tetraphia was allowed to raise her child, who she named Ryo, and who grew to be one of the most famed generals of his generation. His conquests were rumoured to be so efficient, that any war he fought in would be won in under six months.
~~~
Ryo knew that, as far as the children of Typhon went, he had been fairly lucky. He was not too hideous to look upon, he did not need to be fed children or trapped in a labyrinth, and he was not the monster in some wayward demigod’s story. In fact, if not for his eyes the color of dying embers and fangs that were noticeable only if you knew they were there, he would have seemed relatively normal. Most people barely spared him a second glance.
Indeed, as far as monsters went, Ryo had been very fortunate. And in conquest, his luck was just as strong- he had marched his men to the shores of Cicily, ordered near-suicidal marches on bridges, and always had everyone home in less than a year.
This war, some unpleasantness about a Trojan kid who had kidnapped the queen of Sparta fought as a favor to the Ithacan king, lasted four short months. The queen was rescued, the enemy was defeated, and he and his men were allowed to go home. He only regretted that he had been summoned away mere hours after his marriage had been observed in the eyes of Hera before they had had any time to enjoy each other. He had kept himself going with thoughts of Sinope, with the security of their marriage under Hera’s law keeping her safe from wayward drunken whistles and lewd shouts across the street.
But it seemed that Hera’s law did not apply to everyone. As he discovered, when he returned home to his terrified Sinope, her massive dark eyes wide and welling with moisture and her hair a tangled mess. Her skin was dry, her face not painted, and her waist, once tight and small, was round and swollen with pregnancy.
“Three months,” she said before he could ask. “It’s been about three months.”
Ah, how he wished she had lied. He would have ignored it, told himself they had willed it into being, anything but the truth. But he knew he could never ask such a thing of her. After all, the truth was pain, and who was he to ask that she bear it alone?
“Who did it?” He asked when he could once more feel his tongue.
Her answer was so soft he hardly heard it: “Zeus.”
“Are you sure?” he asked, knowing how foolish he sounded.
“Yes,” Sinope told him. Then, it was like a dam burst inside her and the story was spewing out before them, with her powerless to stop it. “He came to our home, Ryo, and I welcomed him as a guest. I fed him and gave him lodgings and I did everything right, but he still…” Sinope let her hand ghosted across her belly, eyes blinking hard against tears. “I told him I meant my vows, but he said that I was defying Xenia, and Ryo, I didn’t know what to do.” Her voice rose with panic. “Ryo, I didn’t know what to do! I was all alone, everyone was asleep, and who would have come had I screamed, who would have stopped him, how was I to stop him, what was I meant to do?!”
Immediately, Ryo took on his most comforting voice: “There was nothing for you to do, my dove. You upheld the laws of the home; nobody would fault you for that.”
Still, Sinope fell to her knees, weeping as if the whole world was ending. “I broke our vows,” she sobbed, not bothering to wipe her tears away. “We waited our whole lives to be married and now you’ll have to- and I’ll have to- and, and, and what will your mother say?”
Ryo wordlessly knelt beside her. Her story was not new, how many had told it before her? How many newly pregnant women had stood before disbelieving husbands, ashamed mothers, whispering communities, fully braced for judgement, disgust and rage. How many had felt punishment that was not theirs? In this story, it was now his role as the scorned husband to take one of his knives and plunge it deep into her belly, killing the child and mother in one go. It would then be his role in this cosmic stage play to run the blade across his own throat and die with her.
He had heard that story before. He hadn’t liked the ending.
So, he decided, in the moment of sitting on the floor with his sobbing wife, that their family would have another.
Ryo took her into his arms, not minding the tears and swollen roundness of her body. He waited for her tears to slow, which took just short of an eternity, before speaking again. “Sweet Sinope,” he said, cupping her damp cheeks in his hands, “I’m afraid I must leave you one more time. This time will be the last, I promise you, and you will be stuck with me.”
Sinope looked at him, face still a mess of misery. “You’re leaving me again?” Her eyes were wide, and her lip trembled, no matter how hard she bit it.
“I’m afraid I must. But I swear to you I’ll be back before the baby is born.” He stood, guiding her back to her feet and only releasing her when she was sure not to fall.
Sinope’s hands, so soft and warm, tightened on his hard, callused paws. “Ryo, wait, where are you-?”
“The Lord of the Skies came to my home as a guest. You were a remarkable hostess. And to repay our hospitality, he violated you. I am going to even the score.”
“Darling, he’ll kill you!”
Ryo’s face twisted into the wry facsimile of a smile. “He may try, if he would like.”
~~~
Sinope reluctantly saw him off but didn’t want to come. Ryo could hardly blame her. She knew the mission was suicide as well as he did. But what choice did he have? Had any man he knew broken such sacred laws in any home, let alone his own, he would have gone to do the same thing. Just because the laws were sacred by his word did not grant him immunity.
Of course, he knew he was likely to die. Either he would be struck dead on his way to Olympus, or he would die in his fight with Zeus. He was, quite frankly, fine with either option. Either way, the law was upheld, and Sinope could live her life knowing he had loved her. And she and her child would get to live without punishment for being the involuntary plaything of the world’s most powerful bully.
Still, he felt he was allowed a drink before the end. Besides that, he needed food for the trip. So, he stopped at the city pavilion, bought food and water, and one drink. Undiluted.
At first, Ryo did not notice the man drinking beside him. He didn’t notice him, in fact, until he had spoken and repeated himself a few times. “Pardon?” Ryo finally said cordially.
“I say, why you drinkin’ there, stranger?”
“Well, Zeus took it into his head that my wife was the woman he wanted to bed this week.”
The man made a sympathetic noise.
“Indeed. So, now I need to travel to Olympus to inform him that the ancient laws do indeed apply to the gods.”
It was a tale his new friend was understanding towards. He was, as he told Ryo, intimately familiar with the tactics of the divine serial rapist.
“Your wife?” Ryo asked before he could think that he shouldn’t.
“Nah,” said the man, “Me daughter. Was cleaning the attic this morning- he takes it into his head to turn into a swarm of spiders and…” He took another swig from his glass. Ryo carefully chose to ignore the several empty ones beside it.
“So, Zeus himself broke into your home and assaulted your daughter?” He asked. “What are you going to do?”
“Nothing to do. What? Do you suggest I tell the authorities?” Asked the man, halfway between genuine and sarcastic.
“No, but I must point out that, before we had any authorities, we handled things more… immediately.”
He paid for his drink and continued his journey. He walked for seventeen minutes before the man, Andronius as it turned out, rode up to him on his wagon and asked if he needed a ride to Olympus. He also asked, as Ryo climbed aboard, if they could see if his beloved daughter wanted to tag along.
~~~
“Stop!”
Ryo, Andronius, and Andronius’s daughter, Rene, stopped in their tracks. They were hardly into the first town yet, and Zeus had deployed his first obstacle. A child, no older than eight, with massive golden wings and a flaming sword as tall as they were.
Something about the fact that Zeus had enlisted a child to defend him from the consequences of his actions was almost comical. It was damn insulting. And Ryo had had enough of being insulted.
“You would all march upon Olympus?” Said the child as threateningly as they could. “You would defy Zeus in his mighty will? You will not go any further! This place will be your grave!”
“Oh, not right here,” said Andronius. “Really, we’re in the middle of a road!”
“Silence!” squealed the child. “You will be punished for your-!”
“Excuse me, small one?” Said Rene, speaking for the first time since Ryo had met her. “What is your name?”
The child looked blank.
“You are here to cut us down, may we know the name of our conquering champion?”
“I am Kaye, child of Zeus and champion of the flaming blade!”
“And what is the champion to win, Kaye of the flaming blade?” Asked Ryo. “Surely you aren’t a soldier that would march for no reason?”
Their face flickered, like they hadn’t considered that, before tightening their grip on the sword. “I will destroy you, all of you, and bring you to my father! He will rip your souls into pieces and cast you into the depths of Tartarus!”
And yet, with the strength to do so, your father is not here to confront us himself? “And how do you plan to do that?” Ryo asked, climbing off the wagon.
“I’m going to run you through on my sword!” The child cried, brandishing it so hard they nearly knocked themselves over.
“With a stance like that?” Ryo considered their posture, their pale, malnourished arms that trembled under the sword’s weight. He’d trained new recruits with better first stances than this. “Anyone can knock you off your balance.” To demonstrate, he gave a quick strike at Kaye’s arms, which caused them to flinch and drop the blade, letting it clatter to the ground. He didn’t bother sweeping their legs out from under them, his point was firmly made. “Did your father not train you?”
“He is the lord of the gods; he cannot be expected to show such displays of favour to his children!”
“Telling you how to do a job he gave you is not a favour, it’s just good strategy.” Ryo paused like he was thinking hard. “Kaye of the flaming blade, would you like to know how to defeat me?”
“Yes!” Kaye blurted before he had finished. Then they caught themselves and attempted a shred of cold composure. “It would make my duty to my father all the quicker.”
They were lucky- the wagon was large enough that the two of them could stand on it and duel without much fuss.
~~~
Ryo was impressed with how quickly the child learned- within a few hours, they were not only successful in blocking him most of the time, but they had managed to disarm him a fair number of times. The town they walked into was, of course, curious about the two dueling monsters, so of course, he told them where they were going and why. For some reason, people continued trickling out of their homes to see this, and most came with them.
But still, Ryo did not send any of them, or Kaye, to face the next obstacle.
He heard it first- a distant, rumbling roar that chilled him to his bones and made his every instinct shift onto its hackles.
He held up his hand, and Kaye stopped mid-attack. “Human, wh-?”
“Shh,” he said, listening hard. Yes, he definitely heard it, he knew he had. He turned to the north, and there in the sky was a hideous beast with the heads of a lion and a goat, its wings spread wide and its tail thrashing with anticipation to bite something. It was a chimaera. It flew at them, releasing a mighty roar that, to Ryo’s ears, sounded just like, “Kill the enemy!!”
Ryo, for lack of better options, jumped out of the wagon and in front of the party, threw up his hands and screamed, “Stop!!”
The chimaera, in defiance of all logic, did. It looked at him like he had dropped straight down from the sky. “You speak it?” It asked.
“Yes, I speak it,” Ryo said in a language made of roars and growls. “Now please listen to me.” “You march with enemies- why should I listen to you? Listen when your intent is to march upon Olympus? No, demigod, you will not-!”
“We are not your enemies, we are not demigods, we are not here to hurt you. Zeus has kept you prisoner for Typhon’s crimes, because you are a son of Typhon, and so am I. We march against Olympus and Zeus, not against you.”
“You admit it then- you march upon Olympus!”
Ryo didn’t answer.
“Olympus is my home!”
“No, chimaera,” he told it, “Olympus is your prison, and Zeus is your jailer. He keeps you in line with threats of death and promises of mercy that will not come- what has he promised you for eating us?”
The beast was silent, and for a moment Ryo was certain he would die. Then it said, “Freedom- he promises that I may leave Olympus if I destroy you. Perhaps he would free my brothers too.”
“I am your brother, and I stand before you, free! What is to stop you from marching with us to Olympus and taking your freedom?”
“Zeus’s wrath- should I disobey his order, he will strike me dead.”
“Do you think he intends to keep you alive should you obey? You know he does not intend you to live in peace, nor anyone else. As long as he rules, there is no peace.”
The chimaera paused. “What do you suggest instead, son of Typhon?”
“I suggest instead that you march with us- we will seek justice for you and our brothers, join us and we will free you, them, and everyone else he’s trapped under his rule!”
If chimaeras could smile, this one did. And this was how their party came to be marching with two sons of Typhon.
~~~
By the evening of the second day, there were over sixty people. Five wagons, each brought by somebody new. Ryo didn’t understand where they kept coming from- all of them couldn’t have lived in the first city, right? Had some of them come from out of town, specifically to join the adventure? How many had marched up to him, assuming him to be the leader, and declared their intent to march with him? How many had been women, determined and fully prepared to argue their case, only to be pleasantly confused when he told them that, of course, they were welcome to join the adventure? How many had been children, as young as Kaye, who had been ignored by their father their whole lives and wanted to make him look at them just once? Very few of them were hardened soldiers, and even fewer of them had any real combat experience. It was one of the more challenging armies he had ever marched, but he was glad he did- he couldn’t have ordered their determination and will.
When they set up camp, they realized that, among all of them, the one thing none of them had packed were blankets. Some bore tunics, but not nearly enough for how many people were in their party. The chimaera, whose name turned out to be Cyus, was willing to light their pyres, but even his fires would sooner or later wink out, leaving them in the dark and cold.
He silently thanked whatever god allowed an older woman to wander up the road at this time of night, and whatever deity allowed her to be selling blankets. He and a few others raced to her with whatever money and goods they had, hoping she was willing to make a trade. The woman was beautiful, in a graceful, dignified sort of way, with slightly exaggerated wrinkles in her face and long, thick robes the color of a peacock’s feathers. The robes covered her head to toe, but they were quite frankly doing a poor job of hiding her silk, white robes and silken hair plated with gold.
“You know,” she said in a thick, heavy accent that felt fake, somehow, “Not many men would do this.”
He glanced back at the nearly three dozen men in his company, with their wives and mothers and children and sisters. Men carrying swords in one hand and baskets of food in the other, men guarding sleeping children and women from the night. And, of course, the few who had been sent along with him by their wives to get whatever they could find.
“Alone,” she amended. “They wouldn’t do it alone. These men march because they have a general. But why does their general march?”
“For my wife, good lady. She was dishonoured. It is my duty as husband to seek justice.”
“And once Justice has been delivered?”
“Then I go home. I, and everyone else, will go home and I will live peacefully with my wife.”
The merchant woman stared at him. “You would still call the girl your wife, even after she has broken her vows?”
“Zeus broke her vows- she did not. And I seem to remember my vows saying something about honoring and protecting the home and those in it. That includes my wife and our child.”
She didn’t break her gaze with him- those dark, unfathomable eyes were thinking things beyond his comprehension, and yet he felt he sort of understood- she was trying to figure out the real reason he was marching. Surely he had decided to march with ambitions of power or glory? It could not truly be love for his wife.
But it was.
“I have made a decision,” she said abruptly. “I am coming with you.”
Ryo did not argue. He only turned to the men who had followed him and asked them to help the lady with her wares. The woman did not tell them her name, where she came from, or anything else about herself. But really, he was sure he knew all those things, but he didn’t dare ask her to confirm, just in case he was wrong.
~~~
On the third day, they stood at the gates of Olympus, four hundred strong, as Kaye flew to get a look at what lay ahead of them.
“Well?” Adrionus said when they landed.
Kaye looked grim. “The pathway is guarded by Hephaestus’s traps and Gaea’s monsters. I don’t think Kronos himself could get through.”
Everyone- monster, mortal and demigod- all looked at Ryo, as if expecting he had a plan for this. He supposed that made sense- this was all his idea, after all, he should have planned for getting this far, even if he never thought he would.
“There’s a way around,” he said, trying to instill confidence in his army. “There must be, there’s always a way around.”
“There’s a back path,” said the merchant woman, from where she sat on one of the wagons. “Just past those bushes, there’s an invisible door that can only be opened by one key in the world. It’s where Hera’s golden apples grow.” She seemed to recognize that she was now the center of attention and said, “Well, that’s what Mother always said,” with an air of nonchalance.
“Oh, we were FOOLS!!” wailed Lydia, a waif of a girl with a belly she insisted had been bestowed upon her by a wild boar. “Of course, there would be some quest, some adventure you have to go on to prove yourself worthy! He probably fed the key to Cerberus, or hid it in Apollo’s chariot-!”
“Or,” said the old woman, firm but gentle, “He’s like all husbands and has been meaning to find the key a better spot for centuries now, but hasn’t gotten around to it yet.” She shrugged. “In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was under, oh, I don’t know, that rock right there?”
And it was. Nobody asked how she could have guessed that. They just opened the door and continued their march.
~~~
Ryo didn’t know what he’d expected. Some grand, final battle, probably. A steep uphill climb as Apollo and Artemis shot at them. A duel with Ares, maybe, blood flying all around- maybe Ichor, too, if he got a good hit in. Perhaps he assumed Hephaestus had set some traps for them through Hera’s garden. And making it to Zeus? Impossible. If they got there, he’d strike them all down in seconds.
Well, as it turned out, all of the gods knew they were there. They were in Hera’s garden, watching as Ryo led the Zeus Hunters up toward the door to the palace. All of them were just standing around, watching them as they marched to the palace, not armed or ready for battle or even seeming terribly angry. They just watched the caravan make its final stretch of the journey. One of them even stood and held a door so big and so heavy he was sure all of them together could not have opened it.
“Um… Lord? Shouldn’t you try to stop us?”
“We should do a lot of things,” the god shrugged. “And so should you.”
He nodded and marched into the throne room.
And there was Zeus.
He radiated power, as one might have expected. He lay on his throne, ten feet tall and crackling the air around him with electricity.
“Well,” said Zeus, striving for nonchalance. “So you actually got here. Congratulations. Was it worth it?”
Nobody answered.
“And tell me, humans, did any of you consider what you were going to do when you got here? Or was the plan to march up to Olympus, invade my home, and hope my children don’t destroy you all?”
“Lord,” said Kaye, their voice filled with loathing, “Your children all stand among us. Otherwise they mill about outside, waiting for the fight to be over.”
He chuckled. “May I know the name of my conquering hero, then?” Asked the king of the gods in the voice you might use to tease a small child.
Ryo clenched his grip upon his sword, and finally he spoke. “I am Ryo, son of Tetraphia and husband to Sinope. I am the last born of Typhon’s brood, the father of Sinope’s child, and I marched to Olympus with an army at my heels. I stand here and I feel all our hearts beating as one. And we all have one goal- to defeat you.”
“You really think a gaggle of humans can defeat me?”
“No. I think a gaggle of cuckolded and ravaged mortals, demigods who crave fatherly approval, monsters with axes to grind and a seamstress are going to defeat you.”
“You’re all fools,” Zeus growled, standing from his throne. “This palace shall be your grave!”
“Why are you talking to yourself, Lord?” asked Andronius.
And then, they were upon him.
They were a disorganized army, marching on nothing but will. Kaye and Cyus flew about him, goading him into hurling bolts of lightning that they just barely managed to outmaneuver. But Zeus was so focused on the aerial assault, he didn’t notice the humans that managed to slice clean through one of his tendons, bringing him to the floor in a thunderous crash. He couldn’t reorient himself before Andronius and Rene charged two separate Battalions that ran around the king of the gods, tossing ropes to each other, nailing them down and binding him to the ground. Ryo was sure he saw the merchant woman club him with her sandal a few times.
Prayers were useless here, he knew. But still, as Ryo stood over Zeus, their eyes locked together, he held his sword aloft, and gave a silent one: Father, be with me.
An ancient, exhausted voice answered him: I always am. Strike, son of Typhon.
When Typhon had defeated Zeus, he had ripped out his tendons and left him alone in a cave with them, trusting that the dragon-nymph he had left them with could keep them safe.
This time was different.
Everyone there knew the old story, of how the gods came to power, and of the titans before them. And everyone wanted their pound of immortal flesh. The actual carving took hours, but by the end of it, Zeus was carved into countless pieces, just as Cronus and Ouranos had been before him, and was taken into the hands of mortals to scatter across the earth.
Ryo slid two chunks of Zeus into his pocket- one for Sinope, one for himself. She was not there, but he had marched this far in her name, so it only seemed right that she got her share.
As his new friends took their payment of flesh and ichor, there she was, in a blaze of golden light and a smell of warm vanilla. Hera. He chose to ignore the chunk of flesh clutched in her left hand and knelt before her.
“Rise, hero,” she said, her voice familiar and full of warmth. “You have done well today- you found your own destiny, and you made it reality. Not many humans can claim the same.”
“What is my destiny now, good lady?”
“I think you know.”
He did. Deep down, he did. His father had dethroned Zeus, but he came back. And now he had dethroned Zeus, so now he was supposed to take up the mantle.
But how could he?
“... If you please, good lady, not yet.”
“What?”
“My life is just beginning, I have yet to see my first child born, to grow old with my wife. And if you think me to be worthy now, imagine how worthy I will be after a life well lived?”
Hera considered this. Then she smiled, and bowed to him. “Ryo, once again you show this old woman there is still much to learn. Very well, then. We have lived under the reign of the gods for five thousand years now- what’s sixty-eight years more?”
~~~
Ryo knew that, as long as he existed, he would never forget this moment.
Even thousands of years from now, when he had existed for far too long, when he had forgotten most of the details of his life, he would remember this.
He would always remember the weight in his arms, small but so heavy. He would remember the look on his beautiful Sinope’s face, exhausted by the ordeal, but happy that they were all there and whole and happy. He would always remember the ugly, mushy lump of a baby that was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.
