Why can’t he just love me
Sam Winchester x witch reader
Angst and unhappy endings
Summary Ever since you met Sam you’ve felt he has a special place in your heart, but once you realise he may never get over his previous love… is taking things into your own hands really that ‘evil’?
Warnings Suggestive if you squint, crying, lots of angst, cuts and bruises, obsessive thoughts and actions, use of y/n a couple times.
a/n This is my first ever fanfic, I never thought I’d write one but I’ve been reading ff for over 10years and the ideas are so piled in my head I thought I’d give it a try, since it’s my first one please please give feedback in comments, don’t worry I won’t be offended at anything as I want to improve.
Meeting Sam may have been the best thing that ever happened to you.
The night the Winchester brothers burst into your apartment, guns held out in front of them aimed expertly between your eyes. The sudden intrusion stunned you out of your deep focus on the spell book you had previously held in your hands, now sprawled on the floor, notes and pages everywhere.
Despite the less than polite introduction, once realising you where nothing to do with the case they had been chasing for weeks; young men seemingly dropping dead out of no where, you became a key helper in cracking the case within a day. Your incredible intuition and protection powers left the brothers sheepishly pleading for you to join them on their next couple hunts. ‘Strictly for protection spell purposes’ they swore. Traveling with two hunters between towns and crappy motel beds was not in the slightest bit appealing to you… if it wasn’t for the tall brunette with the puppy dog eyes.
It started as a crush, just admiration. You’d watch him as he studied books for leads on new cases, he’d be focusing so hard he wouldn’t even realise your prolonged gazes. And for a while that’s all they were, looks of admiration, you’d wonder how a human could be so pretty, occasionally drifting off to how he’d look waking up by your side, how he’d look on top of you. But that was all. You were simply an admirer of his beauty.
Sam never noticed, but as soon as your crush evolved into love, dean took notice. He’d smirk when he caught you staring, even make disgustingly obvious innuendos between the two off you, which you would have to shrug off before Sam noticed. And he never did.
One night, after a particularly bad crossing with a shape shifter Sam came back beaten up and battered pretty bad, you willed him to sit down and care for his injuries while dean took his time in the shower.
“It’s really not that bad I swear y/n, I just need to shower” he insisted, however he had already reluctantly let you sit him down on the edge of the bed, legs spread for you to stand between his thighs and tend to his wounds.
You absentmindedly threw in mixtures of herbs and moon water as you hummed chants, swirling your concoction slowly with your finger. You noticed Sam watching with interest in the corner of your eye, but in the position you were standing you knew you couldn’t bring yourself to look up at him, that might just bring you to the edge and you’d risk pouring your heart and feelings out before he even has the chance to blink.
“So you’ve really only used your powers for protection and self improvement” Sam asked in a low tone with genuine interest in his voice.
A small smile graced your face, the intimate moment giving you hope that maybe one day Sam will admit the same feeling to you as you harboured for him.
“Yea, the more you mess with darkness the more you invite it into your life, I wanted a safe and calm life, so I stuck to those sort of spells. I know people judge that kind of life.. but it’s kept me and the people I love safe, that’s all I want”.
Sam seemed to agree with a sad smile, you sensed something deeper within him, a heavy guilt. Assuming this sadness came from what happened with his mother, you cut into the heavy atmosphere
“okay well this is ready, I promise it won’t hurt, it will help heal the bruises and cuts much faster”
You slathered on the thick water across his forehead and cheeks, down his neck, tilting his head back gently to get the bad gash on his throat, it was deep and raw, reminding you how serious the work they did was, and how you wouldn’t be able to handle it if one day he didn’t come back through that door to you. You’d never admit to Sam how rare to come by some of the ingredients you used were, knowing he’d never let you ‘waste’ them on him. But knowing these cuts would be gone in a matter of days was worth any hard to come by ingredients, even though Sam didn’t know it, you’d do anything for him. Anything.
A hard gulp from Sam jolted you out of your thoughts making you jump back, but before you could laugh at yourself for your overreaction Sams face caught your eyes. Two thick and wet tears escaped his emerald eyes, his beautiful face contorted in sadness, a soft whimper leaving his lips. Wow, he’s such a beautiful crier you thought. Before you could reach forward and engulf him into a hug, stroke his hair and soothe him while he cried, as you have done numerous times before, a sound cut through the air leaving you confused.
“Sorry? What’s did you say Sammy?”
“Her name was Jess, she was the love of my life, she is the love of my life, and she’s gone, because of what I do, I lost her…” he trailed off, looking away from you.
You swear your heart stopped beating for a couple seconds, the silence so loud you didn’t even breathe. Confusion over taking your vision.
“Sammy?” You questioned unsure what to say, having never heard anything off this before.
“I agree with you, a calm life is better, it keeps those you love safe, I’d do anything to go back and keep her alive” Sam said, the tears now stopped but the sadness in his face still evident.
You felt selfish hearing his heart was taken by another, another who was gone, it felt evil to feel jealous of a dead woman. But you couldn’t push the feeling away. You felt anger towards Sam too, for never sharing this part of you with him. Until now you truly thought you knew Sam’s soul, and now that fantasy had cracked, realising you may never be his. The sound of the shower turning off caught your attention, a silent sigh of relief, you could escape this awkward painful situation. Quickly finishing up with the potion leaving enough for Dean, telling sam he’s good to go shower whenever he’s ready.
That night Dean confirmed it for you. Sam had been in love, in a deep and whole way. Dean avoided eye contact with you as he uttered
“Listen Y/N, I didn’t bring it up because it’s not my business, but I don’t see him ever getting over her, not enough to truly love someone else”
A false but convincing smile covered your face.
“That’s okay. You guys mean so much to me, I’d rather Sam as a friend than to have never met him at all” you lied through your teeth. Knowing not being with Sam would tear you apart from the inside. And that it slowly did.
From then on, no matter how many nights you spent talking to Sam, helping him with research, bringing him coffees during the particularly late nights; making it just the way he likes it. You could sense he was looking at you as a friend, a close friend, but a friend all the same. And nothing you could do would change that…
After weeks of crying in solitude at the end of every day, sadly retreating to your own bed to sleep alone, while desperately wishing you could slip into Sam’s warm bed, imagining how perfectly he could encapsulate you in his giant arms, you couldn’t take it anymore.
You jumped out of bed face smeared with tear stains, eyes bright red and chest heavy, storming to get your things packed, ready to run away, rid yourself of this lonely hell, and somehow, will yourself to forget Sam.
As you packed throwing in your most needed herbs, crystals and spell books you held three candles in your hand, one black, one pink, one white. Without thought you began frantically digging through your boxes looking for string, and then wire; something durable and un breakable. In a haze of desperation and sadness the sickness of this plan didn’t enter your mind, you needed him. You needed Sammy to open his heart to you…. To cut ties with her from his past, and see that you could be his true love, and that she was only a temporary memory.
You etched names on each candle
Before fastening the burnable rope around the pink and black candle, and the wire around the pink and white candle. You tossed the other herbs you needed in a circle around the candles, it was messy and sloppy, taking up half the floor of your room, you needed to make sure the spell was powerful enough to completely erase the memories of his feelings towards her. Lastly you tiptoed to the kitchen, silently preparing a coffee for Sam, who was still up researching, completely unaware of your disheveled and erratic state.
You lit the candles with the tips of your fingers before reciting the the chant from the book open in front of you. The rope between Jess and Sam burnt bright, it flickered and fought, the rope remaining together despite the vicious flames trying to tear it apart. This filled you with anger. Why, why couldn’t they just let go, the idea of their bond being so strong made you sick. You chanted louder, louder than you meant to, tears hitting the floor in heavy drops.
As the flames burnt down, the white and pink candle still tightly bound together you began collecting the ashes and candle wax on the floor, squeezing it between your hands until it turned to a clear and glistening liquid. Just as you began to pour it into the open coffee mug, a hand landed heavily on your shoulder.
“ Y/N NO! You.. you can’t” a voice boomed from behind you, ripping you out of your erratic trance. You whipped your body around so fast, breaking glasses full of rose pettels at your feet. Your eyes met Deans, his face was unreadable, you’d never seen this expression on him before. You expected anger, you waited for the screaming, for Dean to shout about how you are using your powers for evil, how this is the actions of someone full of hate, not love. But instead, you flinched as Dean shot down on his knees embracing you in his arms, running his fingers through your hair as you allowed your body to fully collapse into him.
“Dean I… I can’t, it’s too much… I..”
“I know Y/N. I Know, I know, it’s okay” Dean interrupted in a slow and soothing tone keeping you locked in his grip. Your body shook in sobs you soaked deans shoulder.
“Dean I need him… I’ve never met anyone like this, if he doesn’t love me, I’ll never have anyone.. why, why can’t he just love me” the pathetic and desperate tone in your voice would have sickened you if you had any space left for emotions. As Dean heard fast foot steps approaching he kicked out his leg from beneath you, his foot colliding with the door and slamming it shut just as Sam emerged into sight through your blurry vision.
“Dean what going on? Is y/n okay? I heard shouts, and smoke” Sam’s voice followed a sound of the handle rattling, but Dean kept his foot firmly against the door keeping the sight of you like this away from Sam. He didn’t need to see this.
“It’s fine Sam, just leave it to me” Dean replied
“But I heard..” “it’s fine.” Dean said with finality, wanting the conversation to end here.
Sam slowly let his hand drop from the handle, falling at his side, hesitating to leave knowing you were in some sort of distress, after a few seconds of contemplation, he gave in and backed away curiosity and worry eating at him.
You stayed in deans arms for hours, the candles burnt down and the coffee turned cold, the spell now just a useless mess on the floor.
Eventfully you managed to choke out a quiet “Dean. I’m okay, I’m gonna clean this all up, and then.” Your paused. “I need to go”
“ y/n you don’t need to leave”.
You didn’t answer. There was no arguing this point, tomorrow you’d be gone. The fantasy of Sam and you was over.
If you made it here to the end THANK YOU SO MUCH I COULD CRY 😭
I hope I got the image in the head across well because this was so good in my head. I know my writing isn’t great, English was always my worst subject but I just have so many ideas in my head for fanfics that I just had to start!
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