when did they get so wrapped up in their own issues that they stopped realising that the other was HURTING? he hated how juvenile and petty it sounded that he had turned to something else because his husband had shut him out, he needed to numb the pain of feeling like fp didn’t want or need him anymore with something else and now … he was the one hurting fp with behaviour that he had not displayed even when he had returned to riverdale.
one of the reasons it hurt so much was because he was still desperately IN LOVE with fp jones, had been from the moment he realised that he was in high school up to this moment now, even when he was convinced that his husband was disgusted by the look of him and that the love had changed into this hate that he was pretty sure he deserved. he had tried to be there for fp, tried his best to understand that even if he couldn’t talk about it that he was there and instead, fp had looked for his comfort in a bottle of alcohol. there as more information about what happened was revealed, he just couldn’t help but feel more HURT, more pain that fp had trusted some teenager than his own husband. they should have been protecting this family TOGETHER and not been separated.
so jd went back to doing what he did BEST, he realised he was close to getting hurt and he shut down, put his emotions into that part of his brain where he could lock them away and found ways to numb the pain because if he didn’t numb it out, the pain would have eaten him alive. he had done what he had felt was best, it still hadn’t been enough to keep jughead at home, it had been enough to keep appearances ( he hoped ) with the serpents and no one else could see that whatever was pulling fp under was also pulling him under.
he had no idea if anyone else had seen him STRUGGLING, fp hadn’t, alice was starting to pick up that something is wrong and maybe that was why he had turned back to an old habit that had helped him at fifteen and then that year and a half he had spent apart from fp, the comfort he found in the cocaine was what was keeping him going. it allowed him to focus, allowed him to still be there for fp and he no longer felt like the pain was eating him alive.
until fp started to get sober, that was when he realised how erratic his behaviour had been, how he had willing gotten himself involved with an enemy gang to get his drugs because he knew fp would find out if he brought cocaine back into the serpents. he was playing with FIRE and he was either going to get burned by fp’s realisation or by the enemy gang that was supplying him. he was back to being the DAMAGED, fucked up person he had always been and now, fp was really going to see it for the first time since he had stopped him from killing himself down at sweetwater river.
eyes were wide, not just because of the high but because of the SHOCK of what fp had said. did he really expect him to believe that he wasn’t judging him? jd constantly judged himself, he hated looking at himself in the mirror, knowing he was skinnier than he should be, paler and even if he was in need of a fix, he looked sick. he wanted to push fp off him, sick of the pity, sick of whatever it was that he could see in his eyes.
his whole body tensed when fp’s hands moved from his jacket to his face, his breathing heavy as he was completely caught off guard, unsure of what to do. his own hands fell from fp’s hips, unsure on what he should do and he felt like no matter what he did, it was going to be WRONG. he didn’t deserve these gentle touches, he wanted fp to be angry and mad at him because he could process that, he hadn’t locked away his responses to that but this gentle touches, the moment fp said he LOVES him, he didn’t feel like he deserved it, didn’t deserve to have fp’s love anymore and maybe it was because he had allowed all this self hate and doubt to build again.
breath caught in his throat and his eyes closed as fp kissed him, his hands moving back to fp’s hips to pull him closer despite feeling like he didn’t deserve to have this gentle and emotional kiss. he wanted to cry but he was too high to do that, instead he just kissed him back, not even trying to make it more heated. it was like he was worried that it was the last kiss he was ever going to get from fp and he didn’t want it to end but the moment fp pulled back, his eyes open, tongue darting over his swollen lips and he was completely unsure of how to REACT to what he was had just said.
frowning slightly, he moves fp off him, stepping away from him, looking back over at him. who did fp think that jd was? he had always been careful with his temper to not lash out at fp, to not be anything like BUD DEAN and yet … that felt how fp wanted him to react, “ why would i need to hit you to hurt you … you didn’t lay a hand on me and you still managed to hurt me, ” he knew it was harsh, knew he was letting all the pain he had felt from the moment he felt like there was a BLOCK between him and fp.
running his hands through his hair, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, looking back at him, tongue darting across his lips, “ i am not my father, i am not gonna take my pain out on you because what would be the fucking point? this isn’t about winning or losing, this is about the fact that my own husband doesn’t TRUST me … you claim to have been protecting this family, from what? you didn’t protect it from you and i, we are ruined ourselves, made our home unlivable for our son and now … ” jd sighed, he didn’t want to lose this, even in his high state, he knew that fp was the most IMPORTANT thing to him and always would be. that was why he had spiraled so hard because he had felt like he was losing him, felt like that fp was slipping through his fingers and that he was going to lose him forever.
“ fuck, i don’t even know … i love you, i do, i always have and always will … i just … don’t know how to deal with any of this anymore … i don’t even know i can even feel anything anymore because guess what? even after all these years, i’m the same fucked up, damaged eighteen year old you met in high school, ”
and you still managed to hurt me.
the words cut through fp like a sharp knife, taking absolutely no prisoners when it came to remains. he winced, visibly, a hand starting to shake at his sides as he looked down, even more disgusted with himself than he had been previously. and hell, it always amazed him when this happened. it always amazed him when he was able to hate himself just a little bit more.
but god, jd and his selfish ways always manage to bring fp back. they always manage to bring his anger back to the surface, even if it was heavily diluted by how hard he was working for it to be. he grinds his teeth then, pursing his lips as jd speaks. slowly but surely, another wall was being built back up again, his eyes glassing over like they usually do when he's in a discussion about business.
but then he listened, and he listened hard.
and it was in that moment, that fp sunk to the lowest he had ever imagined. it was in that moment that he no longer felt at home in his skin, that he wanted to claw his way out. it was in that moment that he had felt like a monster, more than he had ever felt before. the breath? had been knocked out of him, his face freezing in a state of panic. eyes wide, nostrils flared, gaze downward.
what has he done? what have they done?
his body, betraying him, start to shake. he starts to panic, both hands now shaking as he doesn't let his gaze move upward. he tries, he tries hard to keep it away. to keep him away. but he can't. because like clockwork, jd speaks and fp's eyes lock onto his frame. the frame that used to mirror his own was now smaller, now more frail, now weaker. eyes that used to light up, at least briefly, were now filled with betrayal and anguish. anguish that he, fp jones, had unleashed upon him. out of everything? out of every word that jd has said? it's his last ones that cut fp to his core, that make him a shell of a man he used to be.
his words come out broken, come out hoarse. his vision blurs, tears not even threatening before spilling out, his skin already starting to feel the stick of them. "you're not. you're.... worse. and i made you this way." and there it was. fp had already faced his biggest fear, losing jughead. and now? the fear that ONLY came second to that? was being shown, was being proven right in front of him. he had ruined the man he loved, the man he had always fought so hard to make better, to make happy. and god, he's been doing it for so long. he's been doing it for months. this? was just the last straw.
he doesn't even recognize his own voice when it comes out, it's that broken. he hates it, he feels like it could skew the other's answer. fp hates the idea of even accidentally manipulating the other. fp hates the idea of.... of everything he's doing right now. but the words. 'i just… don’t know how to deal with any of this anymore...' hung over his head.
"you're the love of my life, jason dean." he exhales, clearing his throat to try and steady himself, to steady his voice. "but.. i need you to tell me. and i need you to be honest with me. because you..." his words trail off, his voice getting caught in his throat. "this is about winning and losing. because if you win? if you let yourself win?" his voice breaks off even more, a hand coming up to his mouth as he chokes back everything threatening to spill out. "i can't be sure you'll be around to gloat."
sweetwater river came to mind. that night, in question, came to mind. he looked away, squinting as he dared the tears to go back into his eyes or to keep at bay, at least. swallowing, he looks back, his hand dropping back down to his side.
"so i need you to tell me right now, jay. i need you to tell me right now if you.... if you want me to stay or not. if you want us...."
if you want us to separate. those are the words that won't budge. that won't come out.
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