so something really weird happened today. that guy i’ve been mentioning sporadically- since around november or december - i just.. called him for 3 hours. we were texting long before then. and before you think, “oh does that mean he likes you?” hell no. and i don’t like him.
i will not delve into it too much but we talked about everything. he’s changing. a lot. right now, he’s with this sweet girl, and on the off-chance that he finds my tumblr account and reads this, i don’t wanna talk about their relationship whatsoever. it goes a lot deeper than that, and things have happened, but that is in no way the topic im trying to tell my grand large audience of 0 people today.
i genuinely opened up for the first time about everything with him. and he’s already open, so he shared some of his life, thoughts about me, and past experiences with me as well. for him, i’m sure it was not as big a deal, but i feel really nervous right now. i basically shared everything i wrote about him on my tumblr, and a little about my personal life. and we talked about sex. a lot. i never talk about sex. like, ever.
while texting him at first, i felt this rush. but it died down pretty quickly. but he helped me realize something so simple and stupid that i should have realized before. the main reason that i liked him is because he noticed me first. that has never happened to me. so how could we ever be a compatible relationship if that is the main reason i started liking him? we have nothing in common. i don’t understand him. at all. but in a way, that makes it so easy to be whoever i want to be around him. myself.
he told me about his admiring of my body earlier on in the year. god i sound like a nerd trying to phrase that. basically, he liked my body, my clothes, my hair, but he never saw my face. in a way, i feel like i was his pixie dream girl that only existed in his dreams. i sat in front of him, never interacted nor saw him, UNTIL we finally met and i developed a crush on him. his crush on me died down, i don’t think it was because of my face (lol), but because he was developing a relationship with someone else at the time. i have mentioned her before.
and no, its not one of those “right person-wrong time” situations. it could be, but i think we deserve people who understand us and our struggles. i don’t feel seen. he is trapped in his mind. and he has gone through so much. so much in fact, that i will never understand him. not many people do, and he’s used to it. that makes me sad.
but i feel like an alien trying to communicate with a human when i talk to him. it’s all analytical for me, while he speaks with such knowledge and fluency about people and the world. i laugh way too much during our conversations, one of my many flaws.
anyway, despite that fact that i don’t like him anymore, i respect him as a person and friend. he is complicated and i find that very interesting. i like him, as a friend. unfortunately my body thinks that i like him romantically, which caused that rush i mentioned earlier, but i also hold this enormous idea in my brain that maybe he will like me again. maybe he will like me again. maybe he will like me again.
not this time. this time is different. but i liked the attention from him today, and he liked my attention towards him as well. he liked my tumblr posts that i read aloud to him at 3 am in the morning.
hoping and praying that my parents did not hear anything i said during this call.
he also considers me a good person to surround himself with. that was very flattering, and possibly the nicest compliment i could ever get from someone. all people ever mention about women (a lot of the time) is how they look. i only ever got compliments on my long, curly hair until i cut it all off. but this, this is a compliment that one can hold closely to their heart forever. it would stick. melt onto me like butter and stay there, warming my insides and flushing out all the negative things i believe about myself. i feel seen.
i am in no way perfect. but i hope to do all that i can to support him as he heals. not saying he can’t support himself though, because he is VERY self aware.
i hope he is okay. our call ended abruptly, i think someone might’ve entered his room. it is 4 am, i don’t blame them. we were loud!
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