soy vey!

[soyvey-blog]

the fallope

So...

......never mind.. there really is no explanation that can highlight how ridiculous our conversations get. just sit back and try to enjoy.. mommy will take care of everything.

Vey: hey, hangin in there?

Soy: holaa

  always hanging in there

  like an unreachable booger

 Vey: bueno, thats a great way to describe you

  ill remember that

 Soy: HAHAHA

Vey: ill never quite get my fingers around you

 Soy: that's what she said

 Vey: literally

 Soy: haha

i'd like to see a comedy sketch where the guy says "that's what she said" in the non-innuendo sense

  but he says it like there is a double entendre

 Vey: haha that would be great

  in a board meeting

Soy: "angela said she'd get the quarterly reports to us tomorrow.."

  "quartlerly reports?"

  "that's what SHEEE said!" ::double finger point::

Vey: hahaha you know that happens

  im sure that happened today

  somewhere in America

 Soy: hahaha

Vey: youre going to really hate me, but i got my final grade, an A-. I dont know how i did so well this semester, but maybe now there is a chance i will be employed

  one day

 Soy: YES!

  haha why would i hate you?

  a) i'm not like that

  b) we don't go to the same school

 Vey: because i keep doing well even though i dont really do any work

 Soy: hahaha

 Vey: i think it annoys priya haha

 Soy: oh yea it definitely would annoy serious law students

Vey: i sat next to her in every class, never read, never knew anything when cold called, never tried

  and i did so well

 Soy: hahaha

 Vey: i think shes mad haha oh well

 Soy: congrats!!

  fuck that noise

 Vey: thanks! ive learned to game the system

 Soy: haha true

 Vey: because i really did nothing haha

 Soy: well, the trick is unfortunately unteachable

 Vey: you know, i think it might be actually

Soy: ehhh

 Vey: you need really good headlines in your answers

  guide the reader

 Soy: there's a lot that went into making you the way you are

 Vey: that seems to have helped

  haha no

 Soy: i have good headlines

 Vey: just me being a dick and fucking around on stumbleupon

 Soy: never works

 Vey: really?

 Soy: well

  probably not good

  conlaw was a fuck it all

Vey: well it was con law

  haha

 Soy: but every other instance, i feel like i have a pretty good warpath

  but i'm a rookie

 Vey: maybe thats whats wrong, i feel like i know nothing

 Soy: i never did essays on the reg

 Vey: gotcha

 Soy: haah well i'm in the "i know nothing" boat too

  so it can't be that

you've found the game genie

 Vey: perhaps

 Soy: i'm still trying to beat it straight up

 Vey: you will

  you have some time

 Soy: eh i'm over it

Vey: you and me both

  i just want an island and some farm animals

my success in life will be marked by the number of unusual animals I own

 Soy: hahaha

  i'll be on that island with you but won't help raise the farm animals

 Vey: FINE

  deadbeat

 Soy: we used to have chickens in our back yard

  a rooster and a hen

 Vey: awww

  babies

 Soy: for like 5 years

Vey: im jealous

 Soy: one was named christmas

  the other was named thanksgiving

 Vey: was that when you ate them, respectively?

 Soy: haha you guessed it

 Vey: : (

 Soy: i mean they were getting old

and she stopped laying eggs after a while

 Vey: im never going to eat my pig, goat, llama, alpaca, and/or donkey

 Soy: so they were just noisy smelly poultry by that point

 Vey: : (

  my friend has a pet chicken

  it cuddles

 Soy: teacup pig? or pig pig?

  haha gross

 Vey: why not both

Soy: hahaha teacup pig wouldn't survive the harsh weather conditions of your island

  i want to farm

 Vey: what do youthink happens on my island?

  this isnt lost

 Soy: it sounds exactly like lost

 Vey: its going to be bucolic

  i will, likely, literally be lost

 Soy: ok i'm on board with that

Vey: hopefully lost from civilization

  ill teach my animals Esperanto as a means of communicating

 Soy: hahaha

 Vey: it will be wonderful

  ill fufill my hermit's destiny

 Soy: we can play settlers of catan literally until the cows come home

  unless they come home at like 6pm

  then we can play for longer

Vey: awesome

 Soy: my requirements

  there needs to be a lake

  a big lake

 Vey: if we have to repopulate the island, i hope you won't laugh at me naked

Soy: HA

 Vey: or yell at me in Korean while we are repopulating

 Soy: uhh.. i won't if you won't

 Vey: no promises.

  Lake is good

 Soy: yea i knew you wouldn't be able to hold it in

Vey: i laugh at everyone naked

  its a reflex

  sometimes people notice

 Soy: hahaha

 Vey: makes things...awkward

 Soy: haha then it's settled.. doggystyle only

  you won't ever have to see any of this

  sorry let me rephrase.. i won't ever have to see you seeing any of this

Vey: HAHAHAHA

 Soy: to save what little self esteem i have left on this deserted plat

  what holidays would we observe

 Vey: its ok, the farm animals won't judge you

  Korean christmas?

  I'll convert to being Asian.

 Soy: haha that's just regular christmas

Vey: : (

  i dont even know how christmas works

 Soy: but with more religious proselytizing

 Vey: GREAT

  we will convert the animals

 Soy: koreans are worse than jehovahs

 Vey: really? uh oh

 Soy: well only to fellow koreans

  they don't want anyone else

what would we do for sustenance

Vey: sounds like jews

  also, we will plant things!!

  or eat fish

  way less offensive

  but if you eat my pets

  i'll korean barbecue you

Soy: that's why we need a lake

  AND an ocean

  ocean for the beach

  lake for the fishing and water sports

the barn and grazing area for the motley crew of animals

  and then farm land

 Vey: sounds good, what can we name it?

 Soy: the fallope

  haha i don't know

  first word that came to my head

 Vey: like fallopian tube?

 Soy: haha yea

fallope

  and anything that comes from our land

  because we'll have to export some of our agricultural goods

  those will all be fallopian

  "those beets? yes, those are fallopian beets."

"yes these children were born and raised in the fallope."

  people will be like "... and 'RAISED'??"

 Vey: HAHAHA

  we was a tough birth

  but Vey perservered

 Soy: haha

 Vey: ...until the end

 Soy: what do you want to name it?

titty sprinkles?

 Vey: im ok with fallop

  fallope

  whatever

  official religion, korean orthodox jehovah's witnessing

 Soy: hahaha

all things i hate

 Vey: me too, BUT it will keep people from moving there

 Soy: BRILLIANT

 Vey: right? fucking winner right here

  no one likes that shit

 Soy: aw man i didn't even think of that

  we should change the name to something else

everyone's gonna want to get all up in the fallope

 Vey: Mary's fallope

  St. Joseph's Fallope

 Soy: how about "dick chopper resort"

 Vey: HAHAHAHA

 Soy: castration island

  no fun zone

the in laws

 Vey: hahahahahahaha

 Soy: rape

 Vey: rape?

 Soy: dead babies

  ok now i'm just naming things i don't like

  licorice

 Vey: you are

  ewww

  no one lieks that

 Soy: yea fucking ew

Vey: disgust

 Soy: meth head vadge

 Vey: broken glass blow jobs

 Soy: hahaha

 Vey: its alliterative

 Soy: aka [name removed to protect the anonymous]

 Vey: EW

 Soy: witch snatch

 Vey: st. [name removed to protect the anonymous]'s caverns

 Soy: any of these sounds awesome with "island" after it

  HAHAHA

Vey: winninggg

 Soy: rape island

  drag mark island

 Vey: witch snatch island and resort

 Soy: hahaha

  AND RESORT?

 Vey: ...that no one goes to

 Soy: haha oh i know

  but i am imagining a witch snatch resort

 Vey: but then we can be tax exempt

HAHAHA

 Soy: filled with brooms with dildo handles

 Vey: sounds romantic

  perfect honeymoon spot

Soy: haha

  let's build this in the sims

 Vey: OMG

  yes

 Soy: it's real life farmville

  i'm assuming

 Vey: we will probably get banned

  or sued

  but it would be wonderful

 Soy: hahaha

Vey: how do you ask someone to code a witch snatch hotel for you?

Soy: easy

  you make a witch your avatar

  then create an unnamed hotel

  and then have the avatar snatch it

  claim squatters rights

 Vey: haha i want the hotel to actually resemble one

 Soy: boom.. witch snatch hotel, acquired by squatting

  hahahaha

Vey: HAHAHAHA

Soy: how the hell do we end up in weird convos

 Vey: its our benign brain tumors

  how else could this possibly happen?

Soy: maybe your brain tumor and my brain tumor are both shaped like half a medallion

 Vey: so they're like captain planet rings

 Soy: yea

 Vey: and they summon...

  perversion

 Soy: it's the only explanation

 Vey: am i as perverted as your male friends?

  do I approximate?

Soy: maybe the original creator of the medallion tumor realized the true nature of the perversion power and thought it too perverse for the universe

  but it was too perverse to be destroyed

  so he did what he could do

 Vey: so he put it in two wandering souls

 Soy: haha exactly

 Vey: hoped they would never meet

 Soy: thinking "no fucking way"

 Vey: but here they are

  in the nation's capital

  on gchat

 Soy: hahaha like we're sleeper cells

Vey: essentially

  so so disturbing

 Soy: haha oddly enough i have some very very perverted friends.. but none like you

 Vey: aww babe

  <3

  im so glad im special

 Soy: haha it's a funny thing

Vey: you're special too

 Soy: hahaha thanks

 Vey: especially disgusting, like me

  aww pashaw

 Soy: i think we just don't get phased

 Vey: nope not even a little

 Soy: everyone else has that radar

  the red zone

  something off limits

Vey: we dont

 Soy: that we do not

 Vey: its like we are autistic

  but with perversion

  no sense of it

 Soy: impervious to perversion

  hahaha

  yea

  rain man

 Vey: its really special

 Soy: with debauchery

Vey: i was going to say semen

 Soy: hahaha

  or cooter juice

 Vey: hahahaha

  disgusting

totally would ruin my hair

 Soy: you don't know that for sure

  could be better than pomade

 Vey: ill have to check next time im down there

 Soy: do that

and if it works, the next time after you can try to time up a queef

  hair spray version

 Vey: blow dry

  hhahahaha

 Soy: like the automatic aerosol spray in bathrooms

 Vey: so ill look like im from the 60s

Soy: hahaha

  you know, the snatch patch is a weird place to grow hair

  but it must grow because of the fertile soil

 Vey: agree

 Soy: the cooter juice beneath the soil

deposited reservoirs

 Vey: pushes up...daisys?

 Soy: curly daisies

 Vey: but like most reservoirs

  it smells like fish

 Soy: hahahaha

  everyone smells different

 Vey: true

Soy: is it the diet?

 Vey: i imagine so

generally, people ive been with that ate terrible...smelled/tasted terrible

 Soy: hmm

  but when did it ever taste good?

 Vey: haha sometimes it does

  well, comparatively

  not bad

 Soy: hahaha

blech

 Vey: probably the best rating

  hahahaha

  idk i like going down so i guess it doesnt bug me

Soy: yea i'm the same

  not on dudes

  obviously

  (or maybe not so obviously..?)

but i'm all about service

  we're givers, you and i

 Vey: indeed

 Soy: more like honing my craft..

 Vey: i like people to leave satisfied

  i value costumer service

 Soy: me too

  we should have yelp pages

 Vey: no one likes a poor review

  hahahahhaha

Soy: yelp is such a better name for fellatio/cunnilingus reviews

  than for food reviews

  i mean i guess it's all dining

 Vey: agree

 Soy: but still

 Vey: hahahahaha

 Soy: we can make one

  and call it

  moan

 Vey: i wonder why there isnt a sexual partner yelp

  seems like a great way tomake a lot of money and get sued at the same time

Soy: i mean it's how facebook started

  just the less vulgar version

 Vey: we could get out of the law game

Soy: well on the fallope, we will be beyond the reach of any jurisdiction

  that's where we'll house our servers

 Vey: perfect and our bank accounts

  excellent place to hide assets

 Soy: it'll be a server farm, an animal farm, and a farm farm

Vey: and a lake

 Soy: a lake

  and a beach

 Vey: indeed

  bam

god we are weird.

 Soy: haha

how would we determine the veracity of our reviewers

  receive receive receive?

  have a tournament?

 Vey: i dont know, maybe a series of personal questions about our genetalia

 Soy: the cum dumpster invitational?

 Vey: "mole on the left or right leg"

  hahahaha

Soy: hahahaha

Vey: was the left or right nut dominant?

 Soy: hahaha

  i have a theory

  about that

  oddly enough

 Vey: oh?

  do share

 Soy: whatever hand you are

  that's the less dominant nut

 Vey: contralateral

  i like it

 Soy: yup

  like brain usage

Vey: its weird when the nuts aren't proportional to the shaft

  everytime ive seen that, the person is awful in bed

 Soy: hahaha

 Vey: its like a bad omen

 Soy: what's the correct ratio

  3 to 1?

 Vey: you just know when its porportional

 Soy: hahahaha

 Vey: sometimes they're hung but they have these grapes

  its weird

 Soy: flaccid or no

Vey: it carries over

 Soy: hahahahah

  well they're also temperature dependent

 Vey: wasnt the case here

  it was hot out

 Soy: ah

  was he awful every time

  or just the first time

Vey: no it carried over

 Soy: first times i think should never count

 Vey: agree

  but no

 Soy: good for one isn't necessarily good for all

  hmm

 Vey: all encounters were awkward

  but yeah agree

 Soy: it's a bell curve eh

  the ratio i mean

  can't have 1:1 size ratio

 Vey: hahaha no

 Soy: can't have 50:1 either

 Vey: exactly

Soy: weirdly enough

  the graph

  of ratios

looks like a penis

  and two nuts

 Vey: its fate

  nature explains itself

 Soy: amazeballs

 Vey: well, some people have them

 Soy: when you give, are you a lefty?

Vey: haha yes

  but im always a lefty

 Soy: yea true

 Vey: consistency

Soy: i once had this girl who tried to do too much

 Vey: HAHA oh god

  double fisters

 Soy: like she read all these cosmo articles

  and wanted to try them all

Vey: oh god

  ive read some disasters in there

 Soy: poking different things, tugging on others, etc

 Vey: ...........

 Soy: and call me old fashioned

 Vey: so you were a pin cushion

 Soy: but you really only need to know one motion i'd say

 Vey: agree

Soy: yea i've heard a lot of "advice" girls give other girls

  and i'm like.. uh.. no

 Vey: yeah

 Soy: but now i have empirical data

 Vey: i assume i do it correctly

 Soy: haha if it gets you there, then it's correct

 Vey: usually happens really fast

  so i assume i do it right?

 Soy: hahahaha

Vey: no one's ever complained

 Soy: hahaha well to be fair, no one is ever going to complain

 Vey: even if it was your girlfriend and it sucked?

 Soy: (heh)

  nope

  that's just rude

 Vey: ,like you knew there would be more

 Soy: it's a beej

  it's always a bonus

Vey: really? oh well, maybe im awful at it

  no clue

 Soy: hahaha

  you'd be awful at it if it didn't get the guy there

  i'm sure you're excellent

  if they get there, and get there fast, it's obviously excellent

 Vey: oh well, im sure ill forget before it happens again hahaha

 Soy: hahaha

  you can't forget

Vey: its like a bike

 Soy: haha

  biking = fellating

 Vey: perfect analogy

  i like pig tails

 Soy: haha

 Vey: handlebars

 Soy: haha

[soyvey-blog]

The Non-Obvious Signs You Might Have an STD

Beyond the red bumps, pus, and the actual physical symptoms of STDs, we have devoted many many tens of cents (and nights at the bar) on research that can help reduce the spread of STDs by increasing awareness to less obvious signs that correspond to their presence.  Look for these signs to stop the spread of STDs before your pants come off and you're dangerously close to catching some crotch rot.

Here are the non-obvious (but more readily apparent) signs that you might have an STD:

For CHICKS:

You have dreadlocks (and you're white).

You have a high pitched sneeze.

You have more than 2 Vera Bradley products.

You wear rhinestones more than once a week.

You think sequins are classy.

Your last three Facebook status posts were obscure quotes about self-acceptance, self-respect, or positive outlooks.

You have a personal MySpace page.

There are obscure messages written on your ass in glitter paint. (See: "Juicy").

You own a feather boa.

You exclusively shop at American Apparel.

You have a story on Facebook about how someone (most likely a little kid) said you were beautiful.

You constantly advertise that you're tired of getting hit on by guys (and that it's icky).

For DUDES:

You use a sunless tanner.

You drink white zinfandel.

You wear a choker made of pooka shells (and you're not a Native Hawaiian).

You have actually ordered a Zima.

You actually prefer to drink Zima.

You wear Ed Hardy.

You use LA Looks Hair Products.

Your Blackberry is in a holster clipped to your belt.

Your mobile device is a Palm Pilot.

You say "bro" more than 5 times a day.

You tuck your shirt into your underwear.

Your Starbucks order contains more than 4 adjectives.

You have a flat top fade.

You listen to Creed. 

You vote for Ron and/or Rand Paul. Every. Time.

For BOTH:

When you copy text, you highlight the text, right click, and choose Copy.

When someone asks when you need something by, you said, "Yesterday."

You own a ball gag.

You don't think the word "definatly" is spelled wrong.

You ask questions just so you can immediately answer them yourself. And then pat yourself on the back for getting it right.

You define yourself as being "socially liberal and fiscally conservative."

Your relationship status says, "It's Complicated," when in fact it is not actually complicated.

You wear UGGs. With a skirt. In the winter. And you're cold.

You complain about corporate takeover of America.. on your Macbook.. at Starbucks.. listening to music on your iPhone.

You hated Bieber until you realized hating Bieber was too mainstream.

You tell people that all your friends on Facebook friended YOU.

You post a "30 Days of Thanks" post every day in November.

If any of the above describe you at all, it might already be too late.  Call a loved one.

[soyvey-blog]

Fish in the Bathtub, and Other Fun Tales of Recent Immigrants

Once upon a time, I dated a boy that looked a lot like Kayne West, with the same taste in clothing and manner of speech. My boyfriend, Jules, grew up on the south side of Chicago in a public housing project. Things were going really well between us, and it wasn’t long before it came time for him to meet my family. Naturally, being from the projects, he was convinced that this would be easy. He thought that it was going to be his family that would scare me, because they are from what he considered to be “the hood.” And to an American, the south side is definitely the hood. But hood crazy is markedly less terrifying than anti-assimilation immigrant crazy. It was not easy to get this point across.

            “How bad can they be, dear? It’s just a bunch of old Jews.”

“Yes. And first generation immigrants from Ukraine. Who don’t speak English good. And hate Americans. And gentiles.”

            “It’s not like Ukraine has a military junta or some shit. It’s just Europe. It’s a safe country.”

It was hard not to LOL at that comment. The State Department has an on-going warning to Americans cautioning them against EVER going to that hellhole.

“Ukraine is the Alabama of eastern Europe. It’s just slightly above being a third world country. People still take baths in the river. Also, they are really anti-assimilation, meaning their English is awful. So they are just going to whisper about you in Russian the whole time. And maybe assault you.”

            “Is it because I’m black?”

“No, it’s because you’re not a Jew. They actually love Sammy Davis Junior.”

            “Still, so it’s just going to be a bunch of gossipy old European immigrants? Big deal. You can’t scare me. I grew up in the hood, remember?”

“I think they can scare you. Ukraine is much worse than south side. Bubbe’s favorite hobby is stealing. She likes to steal and get out of it by pretending she doesn’t speak English. I saw her stuff a toaster in her purse once, and when they cop tried to stop her, she just screamed in Russian until they let her go. With the toaster.”

            “You think I have never seen someone steal something?”

“It’s more than that. Ukrainians beat the shit out of people for fun. It is a national custom to laugh at the misery of others. Sometimes we need to take an active role in creating that misery. And we have a holiday that spans the entirety of a week, where we just eat pancakes and get wasted. Shit is fucked up.”

            “Babe, this sounds like the projects. I’ll be fine.”

“And no one believes in dental care. There is, maybe, a total of twenty teeth between my Bubbe and her sisters.”

            “I’m not scared of toothless white people.”

            So Jules and I walk into my Orthodox Bubbe’s apartment for Shabbos. Since Jules “wasn’t scared” I didn’t feel the need to explain to him what Shabbos was. Or warn him that Bubbe doesn’t believe in refrigeration, sanitary food preparation, or in the dangers of e coli. I didn’t feel the need to explain to him that unless you are Ukranian, and thus immune to food born illness, you better bring some pepto bismol and extra underwear…and probably have an ambulance on speed dial.

            Before sundown Jules was snacking, and it only took a few minutes before he started to feel sick. He gets up to go to the bathroom and I wait. The room gets silent. All the American-born people at the table pause and wait, because we know what is about to happen.

            Two minutes pass.

            “HOLYFUCKJESUSSHITCHRISTDAMNITWHATTHE FA…”

            Jules runs out into the hallway with his pants barely over his ass. I may have neglected to warn him that the bathtub was full of live fish, which my Bubbe slaughters before sundown for Shabbos dinner. Nothing is scarier than realizing you are taking a shit next to a bathtub full of live fish.

Welcome to Ukraine.

[soyvey-blog]

Meanwhile, in Darna..

So.. it's hard to pinpoint exactly how this conversation started (or even how this friendship kindred alignment ever spawned), but as most conversations tend to do, we found ourselves talking about the different kinds of hair styles that women have "down there", all the while smoking "Code 69" from a Pineapple Hookah at a secret Middle Eastern Lounge in Northern Virginia on a Wednesday night (think about that for a second).. Anyway, so we're talking about the fancy under-the-underpants hair designs we've seen, and we name some off..

We spoke of the conventional ones:

The Landing Strip (aka, The Hitler)

The Putting Green

The Fairway

The Rough

Au Naturale (or, as I like to call it, NatGeo Style)

But then they started getting different:

A Perfect Star

A Perfect Circle

This pushed us over the edge.  A STAR??  A CIRCLE??  Don't get me wrong, the actual designs themselves aren't that weird (in fact, it's encouraged).  The weird part is imagining the sheer logistics involved in getting those shapes to happen.  If they did it themselves, how exactly did this go down?  We were legitimately intrigued.  I mean, I physically saw both of those things with my very own squinty eyes (which, arguably isn't saying all that much), and when I say "Perfect Star" and "Perfect Circle", I mean like they straight up must have used two protractors and a needle-point compass. 

Anyway, so while we're imagining the technical skills needed for this type of work (and how much beauty school and/or porn one needs to be involved in to become a cooter hair stylist), Vey makes the billion dollar observation that the perfect circle cut is really just a soul patch for the vadge.. or, a vadge-patch, if you will.  Then it hit us: How unbearably hilarious would it be if there was this sweeping new trend where women everywhere shaved their hoo-hah's to look like the many types of facial hair on men?  Picture Tom Selleck's mustache floating above a lady's tenderness!  Or, for the sophisticated mademoiselle, a nice handlebar mustache with extra curls!  Let's not forget the Charlie Chaplin. The possibilities are endless.  I can't imagine there'd be a huge increase in the number of men taking their hats off and going down on their women, but that's beside the point..  Other important questions included:

If a mustachioed gentleman and a muffstachioed lady were to 69, would it look like the mustachioed gentleman was kissing another mustachioed gentleman?

Would a red headed woman's lady parts end up looking like Yosemite Sam?

So, we realized in order to make this work, we needed to come up with a good catchy name for this potential cash lamb (it couldn't be a cash cow because seriously, how much money would we really be able to make from this website?  don't be ridiculous). 

We had to table the brainstorming sesh because our shisha was almost done, and the UHN-TSS house music was getting too loud to have a civil discussion about pubic hair.  But this conversation continued over the next couple of days via text, and this is how that went (Soy on the right, Vey on the left):

Hence, FaceBush was born.