So we survived the Mayan apocalypse and the end of 2012. Feeling lucky? Check out Jesse Riggs' satirical take on the Nibiru cataclysm and the pure comedy of doomsday theories. As yet another doomsday deadline was creeping toward us we had precious little time to pause and reflect on our own short lives much less the relatively brief history of human existence. For hundreds of thousands of years and as many Christmases past, homo sapiens have bandied about DNA in a frantic attempt to stick around for a little while longer on this pale blue rock, and for what? To be cut short by a rogue planet that’s been kicking it behind the sun this whole time? Not a very good ending. And yet there’s something romantic about our impending planetary annihilation. For one thing, there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it. Planet Xmas has been keeping tabs on Earth, much like the fat man and his list, and will soon be on its merry way with a sackful of death to throw down our chimneys. The only person that could have saved us is good ol’ St. Nikola Tesla, and he’s dead. So now we just have to eat it. Why is that romantic? Because endings remind us of beginnings. Approximately 4.6 billion years ago the earth was formed in much the same fiery cataclysm that it is destined to end. In the period known as the Hadean, so named for its Hades-like conditions, the newly formed earth was forced to compete with other planetary bodies for its orbit, and in Darwinian triumph cleared away all its competitors the same way all young brutes do: by ramming into them. I imagine a young Nibiru, the hypothetical Sumerian death planet, fleeing the path of a hungry earth, taking refuge behind Mother Sol and plotting revenge 4.6 billion years later to avenge his dead brothers. So yes, it’s romantic and as thrillingly absurd as any doomsday prophecy. For instance, the earliest end-time prognostication according to a bit trivia found in the infallible “Isaac Asimov’s Book of Facts”, was found on an Assyrian tablet believed to be from 2800 B.C., which attributes the apocalypse to “bribery and corruption.” I know, right? Bribery sucks. Especially when it doesn’t work. In a fit of giving, I once offered a homeless man thirty-seven cents to leave me alone, but he really needed thirty-eight cents to buy a pack of cigarettes. That was the worst day of my life. If given the choice between the end of everything ever and ever having to count change on a sidewalk again, I choose the former. So what if upon impact with another planet our atmosphere ignites and incinerates literally every surface dwelling organism we’ve come to know and love, turning the Earth’s crust into a big, gooey morsel of molten magma? If you could see the cosmic headstone for Earth it would read: 4.6 billion B.C.– 2012 A.D. Think of all the cool stuff that happened between then and now: dinosaurs, sharks, robots, men riding dinosaurs, robots riding sharks, Firefly, gangnam style. I think we all lived the hell out of that dash. Then again, I never liked Firefly that much. Jesse Riggs is a rogue librarian located somewhere in Huntington, WV, although experts conclude that this is unreliable data.
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