Product Placement
Andulka
$LAYYYTER
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ellievsbear
will byers stan first human second
Jules of Nature
TVSTRANGERTHINGS
pixel skylines
styofa doing anything
Today's Document
JVL
Game of Thrones Daily
Misplaced Lens Cap
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
No title available
#extradirty
if i look back, i am lost
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
One Nice Bug Per Day
seen from Czechia
seen from Argentina
seen from Argentina
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from France
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from Indonesia
seen from Germany
seen from France
seen from United Arab Emirates
seen from China
seen from Germany
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Sweden
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Romania
@sparklesthecat
CAUSE EVERY TIME WE TOUCH I GET THIS FEELING
EVERY TIME WE KISS I SWEAR I COULD FLY
CAN’T U FEEL MY HEART BEAT FAST, I WANT THIS TO LAST
NEED YOU BY MY SIDE
This is the closest gif that can really capture the utter chaotic energy that is released when people hear this song
hey guys. this is my invention. check it out
listen no matter how depressed I am whenever this post shows up on my dash I fucking lose it I just laugh so hard, it’s such a good post. The way it’s presented? Soap on a sink nozzle, okay clearly this is some sort of handwashing appliance. Then there’s just water going everywhere no further explanation it’s so good I’m so happy
I’ve watched this like 30 times and I cant stop laughing aksjska
the girl has big dick energy
she stole all of his dick energy and killed him
I’m the girl making sure everyone knows he lost
deadass this is the funniest fucking thing ive seen this year
this video is so well done it deserves an oscar
IN A ROW?
oh my god the lipsync on this is so good
i can’t even this is so great.
PERFECT LIPSYNC OMG
when a woman is faster, stronger, better at sports - it’s because “she’s on enhancement drugs” “she’s manly” “the sport is easier when it’s played by girls.”
when a woman is smarter, classier, makes more money - it’s because “she studies something easy” “slept her way to the top” “used affirmative action to get what she needs”
“overwhelmingly, men are perpetrators of mass violence” i say. this is a fact. i am reminded not to be too generalizing, because that isn’t fair. not all men, after all.
women are used to this. when we hold up serena williams, laverne cox, mae c. jemison to prove: we can do the same as you. we are told: no, those are the exception. there’s something wrong in the system or in them that makes it so they rose above their station. they’re not like other women. but every woman who is bitter, bitchy, cruel: they’re proof all women have personalities that follow the stereotype rules. it doesn’t matter that women are better surgeons, girls do better than boys in school, women are better leaders, better lawyers, are better at investing and finances, better drivers. but all women are stupid, hysterical, emotional messes that can’t drive and would nuke the country if someone called them a mean name.
but it’s not all men. not all police officers. not all frat boys. not all, just some bad apples, just some, don’t i know to judge people on the content of their character and not on who they are.
from the time they’re young, boys are given the benefit of the doubt. from the time girls are young, they’re told the majority of them will drown.
people are scrambling to figure out what is wrong with american schools that girls are doing so much better. maybe it’s because girls are suddenly now more likely to be morning people? is it unfair grading? is it some type of learning-style difference? is it all the exposure to female teachers? after all, if girls are doing so much better, there’s something wrong, right? there’s something wrong with the system?
men overwhelmingly are to blame for mass violence. just last night i watched a reporter ask the camera: “is this because of the women in his life?”
Don’t do drugs, ladies and gents. 😂😭😂😭😂😭
“Whats your safe word?”
That part had me weak 😂😭😂😭😂😭
“You think I’m in pilates?”😭
“watch ya fingers bootyhole man!!” Lmfaooaoaoaoooo
Lol i need to be his friend
The sound he makes when he picks him up 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Son… THIS is what I’M here for. The slow motion at the end? PRICELESS!!!
They wanna kill our magic cause they don’t have it.
I can’t just sit here and NOT reblog this.. I just can’t.
It’s like watching the end of stomp the yard all over
Oh shut ha ja
I love showtime nigggas
Yaaaas
“Nick Jonas could choke me on any holy day.”
Moana….No..
Fucking kill her Moana
I believe in you 😫
Nudity in front of people
Middle school: changing clothes in the bathroom
High school: female friends can see bra and underwear while changing but only real quick
College: yelling "I'm gonna get naked don't look!" to roommates and walking down the hall in a towel
Young adulthood: sleeping bare ass naked with the door wide open so the cat can come and go as she likes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
loitering is basically the illegal act of existing while not spending money
isn’t capitalism fun
"Omg you smoke black cloves I love you"
I genuinely do enjoy black cloves cause they make my lips tingle but I've also subconsciously been waiting for this compliment/validation the entire time I've smoked them and it feels so good like yes look how interesting and alternative I am ha ha so cool yes
You wake in the night with your arm hanging over the side of your bed. It is still dark, and your bedroom is shrouded in deep shadow. Something unseen seizes your hand.
You grasp it tightly, knowing that first impressions are important and a firm, confident handshake will establish dominance.
A hollow voice echos under your bed, shaking you to your core, “You’re hired.”
my dad has been riding me for, like ever. get a job, ash. like, okay but. have you even heard of summer. plus i’m tired. plus i literally don’t want to do anything but wear a rainbow bikini and bake on beaches.
“i’m serious,” he says, in Serious Voice, his hand on the door handle with white knuckles. “you can’t waste your time like this.”
“ugh,” i say, because, like ugh. he slams the door. i bury my face in pillows and like, “ugh” for a solid thirty second, limbs spread akimbo all over the place. without meaning to, i fall asleep. i told you i was tired, dad.
i don’t know what happens. maybe it’s all those times i had to stand in his office pretending to be official in white shoes and a pink skirt but when somebody grasps my hand, i grasp back. like lizard-brain response, i’m still half-asleep when i’m full-on up-and-down single-pump professional-style handshaking a demon. by the time i have bolted upright in bed and retracted my now-sticky (yet somehow also soggy?) hand, the voice is already speaking.
“you’re hired.”
excuse me? “I’m what now?” my voice in comparison is weak, slippery with sleep and fear, dancing all over the place.
i hear something shift under me. my heart is caught in my throat while there’s chuckles from the owner of the handshake equivalent of squeezing a taco bell meal. i’m having flashbacks to french kissing h.p. lovecraft in a bathroom in high school grade and i’ve never even done that.
“i’ll have to look at your references, obviously, but that’s a hell of a handshake. i like you, kid.”
like but. for some reason, a giggle rises in my throat. like okay. like. this is normal. i’m like. it figures there’d be something under my bed. like, with how much time i spent in the closet? who am i to even, like, judge.
“of course, orientation will be difficult,” the taco bell meal tentacle continues, “but you wouldn’t be the first we’ve hired like you.”
“like me?” like a woman or a gay woman or like a gay woman who’s really good at making hot cocoa or like
“a human,” taco bell says.
i’m actually almost awake now. like i’m pretty sure i’m awake and i’m talking to the CEO of creepy, incorporated. certified possible demon. sock eating friend of cerberus.
for a second i’m about to call for my dad but then i remember those white knuckles around the door handle and my white shoes and how much gas money is and how he once made me shake hands for an hour but didn’t give me a hug for the next four years.
i clear my throat. like, abuela told us about devils since i was old enough to threaten me with them and like technically i can’t “commune with spirits” but i also know enough not to upset a creature like this so i figure it’s in my best interests to take this in stride and maybe tomorrow throw a little bit more salt over my shoulder than usual. and like, i mean, at this point it’s just negotiating right. and if there’s something i understand from dad it’s negotiating business.
“hours?” i ask, sitting up straighter. i can’t see more than a writhing something that barely extends beyond the edges of my bedframe.
“night shift, obviously.”
“salary?”
“competitive.” a pause. “lucrative, even.”
well like. what else is there. “i’m in.”
“wonderful,” says taco bell, expressing with an accent i’m unfamiliar with and a form of joy that i’m uncomfortable with, “i’ll go get the contract. be back in a jiffy.”
like, the sound of hell opening up isn’t exactly a slurp-pop, but it does sound a lot like the way my seventh grade math teacher’s tongue used to sound when she was about to make a harsh comment about my homework. and like, for a second there i’m like. wait what the fuck did i just agree to am i in a horror movie is chucky gonna be my roommate now like does dracula sign my contract as a witness like am i really doing this. like? i’m a smart girl (don’t look at my love life) how am i even considering this.
it’s also when my dad opens my door. “ash?” even when he’s just woken up, he looks tidy. he’s wearing his wingtip shoes. never slippers on this man.
i’m like. coming around to my senses at this point. i hallucinated all that. i ate too many crackers with cream cheese and guava before bed. i listened to too many of abuela’s supernatural sightings. and like, i told you, i’m tired.
“dad,” i say, blinking in the light from the hallway.
“you were talking in your sleep, ” he says.
“oh,” i say.
“it is keeping me awake,” he says.
“sorry,” i say.
“you know i am a light sleeper,” he says.
“yeah,” i say, “sorry.”
“please control yourself,” he says.
“yeah … i… okay.” i say. “sorry again.”
“goodnight, ash,” he says, and he turns to go. he looks back at me and says “and ash?” and for a second, because i always have this moment, because i never learn, because i’m not a good learner, for a second i’m thinking - oh, he’s gonna say something nice, “in the morning, please get a job.”
“yeah,” i say, and my voice cracks and the door closes, “sorry again.”
i sit there, staring at the wall, saying nothing for a long time, or maybe no time at all. thinking about nothing. like the feeling you get when you’re thinking too much so it all just sounds like white noise.
then i hear it again. the crack-slurp of hell. i jump about like twelve feet. when i return from the space station my soul ascended to, i see the barely-defined outline of something, like the leg of an insect outside of a tentacle inside of a crab leg outside of the right back support beam of the eiffel tower. and like, a sphere of dull green light radiates directly above it, which, like, isn’t even the weirdest part of my night.
“howdy!” taco bell nacho supreme is back, “sorry for the delay, i was checking with management.”
“uh,” i say.
“just insert your hand into this here contract and you’ll be employed part-time, pending references.”
“hang on,” i say. i swallow. “you said the rate is… competitive?”
“we got wishes, monkey’s paws, souls, video game cheats… you name it, we pay it.”
“…. USD?”
“666 an hour to start. we do love tradition.”
i choke. “like six dollars and sixty-six cents?”
taco bell laughs. “you know what i meant. and we do direct deposit!”
i swallow. i think of my dad.
words tumbling out of me. “do i have to hurt anyone? is my soul forfeit? can i ever get out of this? am i gonna turn colors how many days a week do i work is there a retirement plan can i readjust the terms after signing is it permanent will it harm me in any way how many people die doing this when do i start what’s orientation who writes the checks and” i take a breath “is the boss nice?”
“no, no, yes! but two weeks notice. no, usually five, if you sign up for it, yes, no, probably not, not many people are doing it mostly we’re non-physical or extra-corporeal so you’d have to ask H.R? tomorrow if you want, loads of fun and free sushi, H.R again, and” taco bell takes a breath, “usually but particularly on wednesdays.”
i sit there and curl my knees to my chest.
“all this… because of a handshake?”
taco bell is silent for a moment. well, like, kind of. if eerie silence had a twin brother, or like the silence of a fast food restaurant exactly four minutes before the lights are shut off.
“usually, we come if we’re called by darkness. we deal in darker things than needs. i don’t tend to show up when someone needs something. but sometimes… the lines get crossed, that’s all. instead of your need heading on upwards, it called me instead.”
“uh,” i say, “are you admitting to the existence of like… angels?”
“anyway,” says taco bell, “yesterday Georurng self-terminated.”
“oh my gosh,” i say, “is he okay?”
“oh yeah, no, he retired to live with his six hivenests in west Berlin. we need new blood,” taco bell says. “of course, metaphorically.”
okay. okay. like. i could say i was bartending? in a few weeks i could buy a used car. out of pocket. like. if i needed to i could always quit. and like. honestly, again, how many chances to make closet jokes. plus, time at the beach. plus like. okay like how cool would it be.
“okay,” i whisper, “okay.” i try not to shake as i reach my hand out to the contract. it feels like dipping my hand into the inside of a cold turkey. i repress the shudder that runs up me.
in an instant, the specifics of my job write themselves over my eyes. they burn into the back of my brain. everything is spinning.
“see you tomorrow!” taco bell is saying. i want to puke. my ears are ringing. i barely hear the portal to hell open again.
the fire of the contract’s words fade slowly until i am staring into the dark again. it’s not what i expected. it actually appeals to my sense of justice. taco bell was right about being called by something. i’ve just agreed to be the thing that goes bump in the night. the one thing left against the people nobody else can fight. i’m gay dracula. i’m both a lesbian dementor and the boggart. i’m a rainbow-flag-flying boogeyman and i have a long list of people who i got a bone to pick with.
it takes me a moment to realize i’m smiling. sorry, dad, i’m gonna be like. ultra mega tired. but i got a job. doing what? oh, nothing.
just being the creature that lives under your bed. when bad men have darkness, we come haunting.
*Vague weed aesthetic*
Please let this be a thing
