Tonight’s one of those nights where I’m sad and confused and embarrassed and desperately trying to not text him a long, heartfelt message expressing my apologies and love for him. I was doing really well, too - although this has been one of our rougher weeks, we seemed to be on okay terms. Last night I kept myself distracted despite the Snapchat and I felt genuinely happy with my friends. This morning I woke up happy and okay. I came home and decided one text wouldn’t hurt - it was a casual one, not dramatic at all. But, of course, that’s when the fucking floodgates open and the minute I got one semi-dry text back I fell right back to zero. I hurriedly ended the conversation and deleted the incriminating texts to avoid wanting to die of shame later on, then took a nap and resolved to forget about the incident and move on. One slip-up was fine.
Then came the weak spots. Waking up from the nap feeling emotionally hungover, I hit a low point and called him. I just needed advice, someone who understood my friendship dynamic well, but I knew I would regret it later. He answered on the second ring (weird but a good sign) and when I asked if he was busy he said yes. Burn. I paused for a bit, debating if I should just hang up and feel like shit or press the matter a little bit, but luckily he pulled the classic, “Why, what’s up?” I was able to get some decent advice from him, but there was definitely that cold resistance there. He was being distant, trying to be there as a friend still without crossing the line. And when he was done, he quickly got off the phone and that was that. It wasn’t the worst scenario that could have gone down, but it still felt shitty.
A big part of me is mad at myself for it, because this whole week I’ve been telling myself to play it cool, play it cool, and then I go and fuck up already. It hadn’t even been a day. But then logic kicks in and I realize it’s stupid to think of things like that, like this is some game and I lost the first level. This is a process; there are going to be times of slipping up and there are going to be times of actually, legitimately playing it cool. Emotional Audrey thinks he’s over her because she’s given in, he’s moving on because she’s losing the game, this is really it for him. And maybe that’s true. But logical Audrey understands that this is hard on him too, maybe even harder than it is for her, and he’s just better at hiding it. He’s going through a struggle on his own, whether or not to take back the girl he still loves and probably will always love. He’s also debating whether or not it’s better to move on with his life or give things another shot, and he’s also still reeling from the anger and embarrassment of the last break-up. So this situation isn’t as black-and-white as playing some mind games here and there; this is a full-fledged complex situation that requires time and patience and space from both parties. Emotions are running high and things are getting messy. This is the worst time to make big decisions, and I think both of us realize that. Even me, sitting here with the full intention to win back W, can’t fully admit that I’m ready to never break up with him again. It’s an extremely complicated matter, and I have to realize that first and foremost. People can give their own advice but what it comes down to is what I make of it.
The past few weeks I’ve been fiddling around with the mind game approach in hopes that things will work themselves out. But that’s such a backwards way of thinking; if we do end up dating again it’ll have to be a fresh start, and I mean fresh start. No old flames can be brought up, no more ties from the past. We’d have to start with a legitimately clean and blank slate, we’d have to work our way up again. Trust needs to be built. And if I try and start this fresh, new relationship with mind games, what the fuck kind of start to a relationship is that? Things have always worked themselves out organically with us, and I need to trust that things will work themselves out. I’ve done everything I can thus far to express how I feel and what I want, and that’s really all I can do. I can’t keep pestering him or sending him novel-length texts expressing how sorry I am and how much I love him, because it doesn’t do anything but piss him off. So my second step is to understand that space is really and truly the only option at this point.
I suppose the third step is going to be where things get the most complicated. Either three things will happen:
The space will never end and eventually one of us will find someone new
He’ll start initiating things again, indicating that he’s ready to give it another shot
I’ll give in before the end of the week and things will come full circle again.
After a billion scenarios involving option 3, I’m determined to only allow 1 and 2 as options. Suppose 1 becomes the option; that splits into two more scenarios. Either I’ll be the one to move on first and find someone new (yay?) or he will. If I do, then there really is nothing to worry about anymore, and my worries about life working itself out will be gone (for a little while, anyway). If he does, then this will be the worst case scenario out of all of them. I’ll probably find out from him if he sticks to our agreement of being honest, but more likely than not I’m going to overhear something at work or someone will let slip that there’s someone else in his life. I’m going to be crushed and devastated (I’m legitimately getting anxiety just thinking about this option) and I know my first instinct will be to text him or call him or approach him in some way that may hinder the process of his new budding relationship, but if I value my dignity in any way I can’t do that. I’ll give myself one text or call to confirm any rumours or suspicions (legitimate rumours or suspicions) and that’s it, if I even want to. At that point I may be still helplessly in love with him, but if we have enough space that he’s able to move on the chances are I’ll be a little further in the process, too. So I guess I can take comfort in the fact that things will be much less shitty if I allow myself the adequate space.
After that initial confirmation, though, I need to step aside. It’s going to be the toughest thing in the world, especially because all I’m going to want to do is beg him for one more chance and try and push back into his life like I did the Arianna thing. But I need to trust in myself and in him and not be a psycho ex-girlfriend. If it truly is a fleeting thing like Arianna than eventually things will fizzle out on their own, just like they did with Kevin for me; if not, then things were just not meant to be, and I’ll be forced to move on even more.
Now suppose option 2 arises. This means he’s ready to give it another shot and I’m going to have to really decide if I’m willing to do this, because as M put it, there’s another person involved. If he’s willing to risk his heart being broken again I can’t just plunge back into this lightly. I need to make a commitment, to myself and to him, that even in times of struggle I’m going to push through and make it work as best I can. There can’t be anymore impulsive, maybe-I-just-wanna-be-single moments. If things don’t work out, if they fall apart again, it’ll be a mutual understanding and not a silly fleeting moment of “Maybe I just want to be single.” But I have to be honest with myself. If I can’t commit to that, then there’s no use in trying anymore, because I can’t keep being that cunt again and again.
When I read my last message on this blog, I wrote that it was safe to say I was 100% over W. What happened? What changed in the past few months besides seeing him and spending time with him again that made me eat my words? I definitely have taken a more logical understanding of my feelings for him, so I don’t discount my feelings at the time as being untrue. I believe I was genuinely ready to move forward with someone else, although I don’t think I was completely over W just yet. We’d been broken up for a little over a month before I met Slater, and just a week before I met him I was in bed crying over W. So although I think I was ready for something else, I wasn’t quite over W in the exact way that I thought.
All right, let’s get the facts straight. Stop being a cunt. Start being a genuine and good-hearted person again. Act maturely. Don’t throw anymore temper tantrums. Stop complaining to your friends about him. Understand you’ll be fine regardless. Don’t text him anymore. Don’t call him anymore. Don’t be a whiny, guilt-tripping bitch anymore. Focus your energy on your school, your work, your veganism. Take care of yourself. Keep yourself busy. Allow weak moments of tears and sad songs and reminiscent memories, but when you’re all cried out, stop thinking about it. Skip over anything that’ll trigger it. Don’t allow yourself anymore fantasies or nostalgia. Think ahead, fantasize ahead. Don’t put yourself in bad situations. Don’t drink or do drugs when there’s a chance you’ll run into him. Don’t watch his Snapchat stories. Read more. Watch Friends. Keep hydrated. Appreciate your friends and family. Stop taking them for granted. Be happy.
