Cindy

[20] Well, sometimes words can tell more

[creatingnikki]

Nothing you have with people is going to last. Not the fun moments, the traditions or routines, the meaningful conversations, the sharing of fate. It will all be beautiful and intense and real. But it won't ever last. The only thing that will last is what you invest in yourself. Your education, your health, your finances, your mental peace. Everything that you put towards these aspects of your life and existence will help you be more of who you really are and live the life you want to live. Does there have to be a trade off? Of course not. There should always be a balance. But in times when you have to choose, I hope you choose wisely. I hope you choose yourself.

[speakyspeak]

Breath cin, breath

[speakyspeak]

Tell me

Tell me how to be a good friend

Tell me how to be loved

Tell me how to get out from this kind of situation

This stressing me out

This fucking me up

How can someone like you treat me like this?

We were so close back then

We were always be there to each other

We were bestfriends back then

How can you be rude like this?

Did I ever do something wrong to you?

Tell me

[speakyspeak]

Belajar

Keinget ibadah tadi pak pendeta nanya "saya tanya ke kalian yang sekarang mahasiswa, lebih sulit mana belajar atau ujian?" Terus aku jawab dong "belajar". Kirain cuma aku yg ngerasa belajar itu lebih sulit daripada ujiannya. Hampir semua punya pendapat yang sama. Disitu aku sadar bukan cuma aku yg kesulitan di setiap tahap pembelajaran. Sampe butuh air mata yg banyak. Sampe nguras energi dan uang. Pak pendeta bersyukur karna kami justru memandang proses belajar lebih sulit daripada ujian. Yang mengartikan kami mempersiapkan semuanya dengan lebih baik dan memandang dengan lebih positif. Puji Tuhan :)

[inrumford]

it could have been an hour it could have been a year it could have been the distance between the laughter and the tear

it could have been the thought that exploded in my brain echoing the song of life with a melancholy refrain

it could have been the light that I no longer see the light that you would shine when ere you’d sing to me

it could have been it could have been

a song in g flat minor

for if I closed my eyes I could hear nothing finer

[speakyspeak]

2019

21 things that I need to do this year :

1. Be healthier physically and mentally

2. Start doing workout daily

3. Drink more water

4. Clear skin (no more acnes)

5. Learn new language (korea would be fun)

6. Less swearing

7. Stop saying bad things to myself

8. Save up !

9. Write more

10. Move on

11. Practice violin more (new violin seems good)

12. Be more positive. Think positive. Act positive.

13. Lose some weights

14. Be happier

15. Spend more time with my family

16. Spend more time with my friends (especially my bestfriends)

17. Be more creative (try to make some diys or join new group out of the college)

18. Eat healthier foods

19. Stay away from negativity (especially 'friends')

20. Stay closer to God

21. Be thankful for everything. EVERYTHING. Even it's small things

[books-n-quotes]

I am running away but I prefer to call it a strategic retreat.

Tennessee Williams, The Selected Letters: 1920-1945 (via books-n-quotes)

[speakyspeak]

2018

A very late confession about my 2018.

2018 jadi tahun terberat yang pernah kualami.

Terlalu banyak kepedihan, kesedihan, tangisan, keluhan.

2018 mengajarkan ku untuk mengenal diriku lebih dalam lagi. Banyak hal yang tidak pernah terpikirkan akan terjadi pada diri sendiri. Aku yang terlalu khawatir akan berbagai hal. Aku yang menangis tanpa sebab. Semua kesendirian yang menusukku diatas jam 12 malam. Aku yang berusaha untuk beristirahat dikala semua beban terus menerjangku.

2018 mengajarkanku untuk selalu ada buat diri sendiri. Tidak semua orang bisa memahamiku, tidak semua orang akan membantuku. Aku harus kuat untuk diriku sendiri. Aku harus bisa bangkit jika aku jatuh. Aku harus mampu berdiri tegak tanpa satupun yang menopangku.

Kegagalan terus datang. Aku bingun harus menyalahkan siapa atas segala hal yang kualami. Menyalahkan orang lain karena keteledoranku? Atau menyalahkan diri sendiri padahal aku sendiri juga sudah berjuang? Atau aku saja yang kurang berjuang?

2018 mengajarkan aku bahwa jarak kami memang sudah terlalu jauh. Tidak ada lagi yang bisa diperbuat. Setiap keputusan ada konsekuensinya. Sudah dari awal mengingatkan diri sendiri kalau semuanya punya risiko. Ingin kembali mendekat hanyalah angan-angan karena itu sudah tidak bisa lagi dilakukan.

Semuanya sudah jauh. Semuanya sudah canggung. Tidak ada lagi tawa seperti dulu, tidak ada lagi interaksi yan selalu didambakan. Tapi, apa diri sendiri senang? Atau mungkin kecewa? 2018 tahu bahwa tidak mudah untuk benar-benar memutuskan semuanya.

2018 bukan tahun yang baik buatku mungkin. Tapi, semuanya mengajarkan aku untuk tetap bertahan sekalipun aku ingin menyerah. 2018 tahu kalau satu-satunya pilihan adalah tetap bertahan dan tetap berjuang. Tidak ada gunanya menyerah. Menyerah hanya akan membuat aku berakhir menjadi bukan apa-apa.

2018 akan selalu menjadi tahun dimana aku berusaha menjadi dewasa. Berusaha selalu ada untuk diri sendiri. Berusaha bangkit dan menyayangi diri sendiri. Daripada berpikir untuk menyerah, lebih baik tetap berjuang. Karena sebesar apapun masalah, Tuhan ku jauh lebih besar.

Terimakasih untuk semua tahap pendewasaan. Aku akan tetap berjuang sampai kapanpun.

[speakyspeak]

Unspoken Truth pt. 1

Sayang, aku rindu tapi aku bisa apa?

Sayang, aku ingin berbicara. Aku ingin bercerita tentang ketidaknyamanan ku dengan hidupku.

Sayang, aku ingin bercerita bahwa setiap hari aku bertanya-tanya apa kita harus seperti ini terus menerus.

Sayang, aku ingin melihat senyum itu lagi. Tapi karena aku ya.

Sayang, kita udah terlalu jauh. Saking jauhnya, aku sendiri bingung harus bagaimana berada disekitarmu.

Sayang, bilang saja bila kau memang tidak pernah memikirkan semuanya lagi, supaya aku tau aku terus rindu atau berhenti saja.

[september-stardust-deactivated2]

There are pieces of my heart that are restless, their waking dreams only ceasing when the stars reach out to cradle little fragments piece by piece until they are made whole through quiet midnight lullabies, celestial whispers seen to dance across the sky on evenings when the heart begins to lose its hold on the belief it can be one once more. The stars - they cradle me when I am broken and wake me when I have the strength to make my own self whole again.

-

1432. When the stars cradle me

[blossomfully]

“I don’t know if this makes sense,“ she said quietly, “but when you meet the right person it’s like everything is reversed. “Nothing becomes everything and everything becomes nothing. You can spend an afternoon just being around them and you’ll remember it for the rest of your life. The sky could come crashing down and all you’d think was how glad you were for spending the last few of hours in their arms.”

— Sue Zhao

[poems-and-word]

“We try so hard to hide everything we’re really feeling from those who probably need to know our true feelings the most.”

— Colleen Hoover, Maybe Someday (via books-n-quotes)

[speakyspeak]

A goodbye?

Here is the thing. The last minutes I want you to come to my life. At least you say hi. But then, I realized. It’s the end of my story. My story with my feelings towards you. It’s really the end of everything. I don’t want to remember that you were the one who I missed every single night. That I keep thinking even when I wrote this, you are still in my mind.

I ever said to myself that I already gave up. Then, all the shits happened. I mean, we really not trying to contacted each other. Neither me nor you. You stop asking about me to my friends. And I stop searching for you. Are we tired? Are we really done?

Here is the thing. I miss you. I really miss you. But meeting you is not the right thing to do. And telling you my feeling is even worse. You still with someone else. And I can’t have you with all the condition you are with right now. Not because you still have girlfriend, but because you already failed in all the ‘administration’ thing.

So, here I am trying to let go all the feelings. And focusing on my future.

I won’t wish anything from you anymore. Not even a single hi or congratulation. Cause, you already so far far away and I cant reach you anymore. Actually, I’m not even trying.

I’m so sorry if I ever make you sad with whatever I have done. But, trust me this is the best thing for both of us.I don’t wanna hurt anyone. Not myself not anybody in this world. I hope you will have a very happy life with whatever you do.

P.s. I still miss you, tho...

[speakyspeak]

The 20

It’s been 1 year and we still stuck in this situation. Me still trying to stay away and you kinda tired with all the kind of shits I’ve done. Today, it’s the first day of November. 19 days till my birthday. I kinda curious yet scared that you will forget my birthday like what you did last year.

Actually I don’t expect much on my birthday, but at least can you just congratulate me? As a friend?

I will be 20 this year. And I try not to think of my love life too much like before. I have to achieve my goals. I mean, I’m 20. It’s old enough to start focusing on making more money. I want to be rich. I want to provide good things to me to my life. I want to buy whatever I want without think If I have enough money or not. I want to learn more things in my life. It will be the end of my teenage life. I want to be a good daughter and do well in college. I kinda scared that I know nothing about my major. I need to do a lot of things.

So, can you, just for this time, remember the date? Please just congratulate me, as a friend.

[poems-and-word]

[speakyspeak]

The most important thing is

The most important thing is you’re still the best one who gives me the whole damn zoo whenever I see you around.

I miss you

[speakyspeak]

He told me he missed me so damn much but he acts like a jerk