cheahjohn-

for everything that catches and slips my mind.

[spearthebeef]

What are we but the shells of our hearts? What can we do but stand by and watch them overcome us? If only we could change ourselves. Would that make us better or would that giving another heart control? What is man but his hearts and his struggle to own them? Does this warrant a Savior? ----- Si Ti Kay resumes tonight for a weekend of 3 shows. A good reminder of Christmas if I ever saw one. #sitikay #bangkok #christmas #theatre #bacc #physicaltheatre (at Bangkok, Thailand)

[spearthebeef]

15 years ago I was a squat preteen and she was a quiet toddler. The world at large was in books we found lying around the house, theatre was a fond school holiday activity at the old National Library and @khenghua was the indomitable Margaret at 7pm on Monday evening primetime TV. 2015, you've been alright 😊 ・・・ #throwback to NYC and one of the most surreal moments I've had yet. If you told me when I was a kid that my brother and I would be in a photo with our permanent representative to the UN and Tan Kheng Hua, taken by our mother while we were all in Madison Square Park, I would have given you my judging face. So blessed and eternally grateful #hisgraceisenough @everesther @fungcheah

[spearthebeef]

I stood at the junction in the middle of the city Not knowing, for once in my life, where I'd be. Turn back to go home, or onwards to mystery? Turn left to run away or turn right into glory? I stood very still and heard the Voice in my heart- It said "do not fear, son, being brave is an art! "Just trust in me wholly and finally you'll see, "For I am the glory and your best is yet to be.

[spearthebeef]

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Don't really know how to feel right now because I think today will go down as one of the best days of my life. I hit a 112kg snatch, a 6kg PR over my previous best. I lifted 142kg on the clean and jerk, a 2kg PR, breaking the U85kg national record that's stood for the past 10 years. My resultant 254kg total, a 9kg PR, is also a new national record. It's been almost exactly 2 years since I started working with @buffalochua and I don't think these results were even dreamt of. This competition lay at the tail end of a rickety training run in New York and is the first of three competitions in the upcoming two weeks. I was expecting to just wing this competition and just perform well enough to get by, to conserve energy for what lies ahead. But as the championships drew near, I realized that that mentality was far from what I've always believed in. We are built to be where we are every second of every day; we are trained to play the most immediate role through our past experiences. A couple of months ago I failed a 90kg hang snatch that pushed me from first place to finish second overall. Today I hit three new PRs and broke two national records because of technical, emotional and spiritual lessons from that experience. And it's not over, it never is. To those who have been making me feel loved and cared for by texting, meeting and calling me,( it does get lonely sometimes) this one goes out to you. To God be the glory, the best is yet to be ❤️💙💛 #teamsingapore #weightlifting #teamsossg #oly #commonwealthchampionships #snatch #cleanandjerk (presso Pune, India)

[spearthebeef]

Here are two of my favorite people in the world who have seen me change and grow over the past 8 years. Last evening in New York before I endure the long flight back, but this moment was the best one on this trip ❤️💙💛 (presso Brooklyn, New York)

[spearthebeef]

It's hard to describe the fondness I have for this one. She has grown so much since we started working together two and a half years ago. From stage combat to CrossFit to weightlifting, from PMS laments (both ways) to life decisions to being batshit silly, her energy and drive does not run dry. You are another year older and yet still under 20 and that is quite unbelievable. Thank you for being many reasons why I love being a coach. Thank you for infecting the immediate atmosphere around you with joy. Thank you for this friendship that means the world to me ❤️💙💛

[spearthebeef]

This is where I learnt how to lift pieces of steel that weighed more than me. This is where I learnt how to lift pieces of me that felt like steel-- cold, hard and heavy. This is where I learnt that failure is the best way to build success-- building a view that nothing is entitled and everything is earned and success refers to your outlook, and not your outcome. This is where I learnt that trust gained is priceless and that trust lost is irretrievable. This is where I learnt that whitewash does little to erase the marks and memories that constitute a space; that any space is a microcosm of larger life; that space is not empty, but full. This is where I learnt the value of strength in solitude, where being alone does not equate to being lonely; where the deepest weakness is but floodwater that will recede, showing what you've chosen to draw your strength from. @solitudeofstrength @crossfitstatera #construction #thingsthatgrow (presso Solitude Of Strength)

[spearthebeef]

What a weekend. You find out if you've built your house on sand or rock when the waves come crashing down and I think my answer is quite clear. To all who have reached out at timely moments over these last few days, thank you. Your friendship means the world to me and you are the corner ropes that keep this fighter seemingly upright.

[spearthebeef]

"I'm making you my protégé. People will look at you and think of me; I'm putting my name behind you." I remember you telling me this on the homeward-bound plane after our first competition together in Manila. I looked up the word protégé because I thought it was one of those douchey words and here's what it means: 'A person who receives special protection and promotion from someone more established in the field.' I think that's exactly what you've done for me. The promises and dreams of two 23 year olds on a plane 30,000 feet above sea level aren't expected to mean much, but I think we've managed to respect, lead and grow each other into the people we are today pretty well, I daresay. Thank you for seeing something in an absolute greenhorn and trusting me with so much. My successes are your successes and I am even more thankful that a deep friendship underlies all of that. Happy birthday @buffalochua, you have changed this life and many others. Be blessed, be brave, be brilliant. #teamsossg #stateracrew

[spearthebeef]

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Here are the last few moments that sealed up my run at the #X45Challenge 2015. I continued the second day in 1st place after winning Event 4 but lost some ground with a 4th place finish in event 5. I missed my 90kg snatch+hang snatch opener thrice in event 6 before dropping to 85kg to seal a score before trying out 90kg again. As you can see, that didn't go too well and Howard Lee crept over me with an 86kg lift. 1 kilogram, 1 point, first place. Being on the podium is a privilege no matter what but I think this one stung close to the heart. I spent a good portion of last night wrestling with my mind because you can say second place is a great finish but also dude you messed up and lost first place by one point but also it wasn't yours to begin with but also maybe you need to look past that. I came into this competition humbled by the love and support shown to me by people I didn't know. This instagram account has become some sort of inspirational thing and I didn't realize my musings, struggles and hopes would reach people on an intercontinental level. I remember praying at the start of this career that I might be used to "show Your love and forgiveness" in quite a generic way. I've seen that in my own life through the various competition/training moments that touch me on a deeper level and tried to put it out without using (sometimes meaningless) "holy words" When I failed my 90kg hang snatch yesterday, at least 5 people came round to get me on my feet, dusting me off, telling me I was a champ in their eyes and that they were cheering me on all the way. So maybe winning first place isn't an answered prayer. Maybe winning first place would have been my heart having finally gotten what it's craved. And maybe that's not really winning at all, not in the grand scheme of things. Love is winning. Having people share your life and your hopes, failures and dreams and helping you be accountable to them is winning. Knowing that the man up there knows your heart and what it can bear and that every successful new challenge overcome is part of that grand scheme of life counts as a win beyond the immediate crowns. #stateracrew #teamsossg #crossfit (presso Likas Sports Complex)

[spearthebeef]

Pre comp ritual: Cupping. Body and mind are hovering around 30% usefulness after a week of 18 hour days in addition to the usual pre-competition burnout training. Will be spending the next three days slowly recovering in Singapore and in Sabah. Seeing His strength in my weakness is something that's been a thing heading into every competition I've been to and this one is no different. These past few days have also been days of conversations about faith and what-inspires-you and I have a feeling the X45 Challenge is gonna be something quite interesting. #stateracrew #faith #life (presso CrossFit Statera)

[spearthebeef]

6 years on; we've grown up pretty alright ❤️💙💛 #throwback #acjc #dep09 @acsiantheatre

[spearthebeef]

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No one is infallible, and there are days when a previously easy load becomes too hard to bear. It's so easy to look for convenient reasons and find fault with external things. Sometimes the adage of being better today than you were yesterday is hard to visualize and maybe that's okay. It's okay because maybe failing at something you love is greater than excelling at something you don't quite care for. It's okay because you've probably learnt a few ways on how not to do what you just did. It's okay because failures are pinpricks in the process of weaving a colorful story, where there is black and gray and the faded scars of bleeding crimson mixed among the memories of bright color and the Gold we await at the end of our race. #stateracrew #teamsossg #lululemonsg #weightlifting #fail #life #oly #crossfit

[spearthebeef]

I am too alone in the world, and yet not alone enough to make every moment holy. I am too tiny in this world, and not tiny enough just to lie before you like a thing, shrewd and secretive. I want my own will, and I want simply to be with my will, as it goes toward action; and in those quiet, sometimes hardly moving times, when something is coming near, I want to be with those who know secret things or else alone. I want to be a mirror for your whole body, and I never want to be blind, or to be too old to hold up your heavy and swaying picture. I want to unfold. I don’t want to stay folded anywhere, because where I am folded, there I am a lie. and I want my grasp of things to be true before you. I want to describe myself like a painting that I looked at closely for a long time, like a saying that I finally understood, like the pitcher I use every day, like the face of my mother, like a ship that carried me through the wildest storm of all. Rainer Maria Rilke

[spearthebeef]

"I'm not going to hi-five you because you haven't made the last one yet." - @fordeshire just after I matched a 100kg snatch PR on my second attempt and was thinking about the 106kg for the third. Adulation has been such a thing over the week with the victories this weekend, the FHM cover image and the mind battle of "tattoo". And it's such a wanky thing to write about because you sort of deal with it yourself and not in a public space, with the whole "keep your feet on the ground" platitude. It's absolutely insane how a once unfit, kinda strange teenager who spoke a bit too much and who tried to do a bit of everything becomes a kind of an icon and I am very thankful for everything that has come my way. I've never had a brother but in the past two years I've had several people take on that role. And I think this little write up is to thank each one of you in the big ways you have contributed into the growth of this boy. You have challenged me to reach beyond my reach while holding me back lest I get too far. You have shown me mirrors to make me see my flaws before breaking them because a mirror maze is no way to live life. You have inspired me with excellence while showing me that lofty excellence is tied to strong roots of community living. Some of you have led me back to the knowledge and comfort that there is Someone closer than a brother, because humans fail most of the time and He does not. So, thank you for this journey. I'm still stumbling through this whole thing and it's nice to have someone by your side, telling you to not give up, to get up and to look forward, because the best is yet to be. ❤️💙💛 #stateracrew #teamsossg #epn_singapore #lululemonsg #elitesgfittest

[spearthebeef]

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To be honest, "Tattoo" was the last way I wanted to end my day of training that went pretty terrible. I woke up this morning feeling absolutely drained and didn't manage to hit target numbers. I watched athletes mentally stronger than me (basically everyone who turned up for class today) go through three rounds of running, muscle ups and back squats without a rack, people who have issues of their own, who didn't make excuses and who did this not for themselves. @fordeshire called me out just as I was about to call it a day to ask if I'd done it and I said no. I felt absolutely terrible because I did the whole FHAG post on the @crossfitstatera page and here I was, giving excuses. I then went straight into the showers to change back into my workout gear. I went into the first round drained and cold and it was just a struggle to keep moving. A 2.4km run, 21 muscle ups and 3600kg worth of squats later, I was lying on the ground in all kinds of pain, but with all kinds of lessons learnt about myself. As with all hero WODs, we do them in remembrance of a fallen person who, like us, have families, friends, hopes and dreams. We do them in a celebration of life, less a mulling over of death, because in its grueling nature we are reminded that we have the privilege of living. We feel pain, we have struggles, we have mind issues and we have a chance to change that. Life has not ended for us and we celebrate our chance to move forward while celebrating a life well lived. I'm glad I went through that. This workout is one of the few ones that make you look into that dark place before you begin and you know it's going to hurt something bad. But facing fears head on is just about the best thing you can do because it builds character like nothing else and I'm glad I overcame this one today. #stateracrew #crossfit #fear #life #wod (at CrossFit Statera)

[spearthebeef]

Back in Singapore and I think the first thing that hits is the humidity. The air itself is a vise that catches up with you and makes your lungs work to survive. I think that this humidity extends to craft as well. This long performance/competition trip to Bangkok and London has helped me breathe better, not just physically but mentally and spiritually as well. It's akin to high altitude training where you work harder than performance conditions, and life leading up to Bangkok and London has been rife with the humidity of stress, expectation and daily questioning this pressure cooker of a athlete/artist life in Singapore brings. But this is what cultivates a breed of the most resilient kind of person, like it or not. When the less-than-supportive ecosystem is suddenly gone and you find air that is breathable and sweet and teeming with life, you become sharper, you become better; you rediscover a deep love for what you do because this short breath of freedom makes all the work in the humidity worth it. #work #london #singapore #sunset (at Heathrow Airport)