That awkward moment in conversation ...
The term “special needs” is a horribly broad one. Unfortunately, it is the politically correct way of lumping together hundreds or maybe thousands of different medical, behavioral, developmental, mental health, and learning issues that your siblings may have, preventing him or her from functioning in “normal” way. It also happens to be the easiest way to explain to a completely unaware and uneducated stranger why your life is different from everyone else’s.
Sometimes, during normal conversation, topics and questions come up that you can’t answer without explaining that you have a sibling who is “different.” It can be immensely stressful to decide how to move forward in the conversation. It can be as simple as, "Do you have have any siblings?" but we all know that's only the beginning. Most likely that will be followed by, "Brother or sister?" "How old?" "What grade?" "Do you go to school together?" These questions are difficult because you have to decide how vague or blunt to answer. If you choose vague answers, you run the risk of having to explain the truth if the questions become more detailed later in the conversation. if you get lucky and the questions stop with broad inquiry, you run the risk of it coming up in future conversations. If you decide to be upfront, you have a thousand new questions to answer in your own head before answering the other person. When this happens to me, I sigh and retreat into my head for a minute. I weigh my options on how much to share about my situation and how to share it so the other person doesn’t take pity on me or feel stupid and uncomfortable. I ask myself questions like:
Does this person have any experience with special needs children?
Do they have the ability to relate to any emotional struggle that I’ve gone through as a result?
Do they have the ability to comprehend what this means about my brother as a person? His capabilities? His limitations?
Would elaborating be appropriate for this conversation?
If I do elaborate, what terminology can I use that this person will understand?
Do I really want to try to make this person understand, or should I save my mental and emotional energy and a lot of breath?
How much sharing should I do in this situation based on the atmosphere and the mood of everyone around me?
Does this person really even care, or is this just going to kill the conversation?
Let’s be honest, most of the time, when this situation DOES arise, the person you are talking to DOES NOT have any previous knowledge or experience with what you’re going through, AND the conversation is no where near serious enough to warrant a full or true explanation. During these situations, I’ve learned to grit my teeth and casually slip in that side comment of, “Oh, well actually my brother has some minor learning disabilities, so he goes to a different school" and do my best to bring the conversation back to a relatable, fluid state. I always walk away from situations like this feeling guilty, awkward, exposed, frustrated, and sometimes lonely. It’s never fun or easy to explain your family is different. In conversation, the goal is to find relatable information so you can make a connection. No matter how well I handle the situation, I am never satisfied. I either walk away knowing I lied about my brother's special needs and how it impacts my family, or worse, I alienated the person I was talking to because I explained my completely foreign situation. At the end of the day, I always look back on those conversations and wish they were with someone who understood.
I hope this inspires you, no matter if it is a thought, idea, memory, comment, or story of your own! Please feel free to let me know your reaction.
-Marybella