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summary: everyone knows it's important to have a muse. your inspiration has to come from somewhere, and where could be better than the hot hockey player that your best friend introduced you to. well, anywhere else, actually. because the hot hockey player has a girlfriend, and it's not like she's an awful person. but you can't deny that there's something going on between you and him, so why not channel that into your music?
warnings / tags: popstar!reader .á use of y/n .á lots of time jumps .á emotional cheating if you squint .ánot explicit but there are thoughts and feelings .á bad writing .á no tense consistency .á switching between using beau and tito for mr. anthony beauvillier .ábest friend!tate mcrae .á
summary: everyone knows it's important to have a muse. your inspiration has to come from somewhere, and where could be better than the hot hockey player that your best friend introduced you to. well, anywhere else, actually. because the hot hockey player has a girlfriend, and it's not like she's an awful person. but you can't deny that there's something going on between you and him, so why not channel that into your music?
warnings / tags: popstar!reader .á use of y/n .á lots of time jumps .á emotional cheating if you squint .á not explicit but there are thoughts and feelings .á bad writing .á no tense consistency .á switching between using beau and tito for mr. anthony beauvillier .á best friend!tate mcrae .á
wordcount: 10.4k
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a/n: this has been such a long time coming that i'm actually a bit embarrassed, and this is only chapter one. this is a lot of exposition and background and it's very messy and i didn't proofread it all the way because i suck. written across months of late nights. please leave literally any feedback at all, good or bad, i want to know your thoughts. i am so scared to hit publish on this but it's time i bit the bullet.
(if you want to be tagged in future fics or if you have any requests, let me know! or just come and chat with me! for my other barzy fics, here's my masterlist!)
september, present day
âso, y/n, your new songâŚâÂ
a shy smile graced your features at the interviewerâs start of a question. you knew this would be coming up, and you had prepared for the media-friendly answer, but the real truth still sat tight in your head. made you blush whenever you thought about it. thought about him.Â
âi do in fact have a new song coming out. itâs definitely one of my favourites, and i think my fans will all really love it, too.â
talking about your fans and your music made you beam with joy, enough to momentarily forget about the subject at hand.
âand we have some of the teased lyrics here; letâs have a read of them. you're where it's loud, lockin' eyes in a crowd, someone's name in your mouth that's not mine. that feels like it might be about someone very specific. anything you want to spill?â
you cover your nervous giggle with your hand, turning your head to hide your blush. âi think when i crush, i crush hard. and maybe once upon a time i was crushing on someone extra hard and got inspired. by the feeling itself, rather than the person.â you shrug, playing it off casually and twirling the end of your hair. âmusic is so personal to everyone and all about interpretation, so if someone listens to the song and wants to relate it to someone, thatâs their interpretation!â
you smile at the interviewer, happy with your answer to the question. perfectly vague, but just enough detail to keep people interested. always leave them wanting more.
âso, it was inspired by someone? can you tell us who?â the interviewer smiles invitingly, trying to create a false sense of trust, as if this wasnât all rehearsed.Â
âi absolutely cannot!â you laugh. âhonestly, itâs about the feeling. sure, a person can inspire a feeling, but when the feeling itself is so all-consuming, it stops being about the person. you become lost in the emotion. itâs wonderful and painful all the same. iâm someone who loves extremely hard. i feel everything so deeply to my core, and i think i convey that in all my music. but especially this upcoming ep.â
your smile is no longer shy or nervous; itâs genuine. you genuinely love your new ep â all the songs on it are so perfectly you and youâve never felt more proud of or connected to a project. this career isnât just your job, itâs your passion. your driving force. and while this EP did have some more romantic songs, or yearning songs as your fans would call them, a lot of the EP was more vulnerable. a love letter to music and to yourself, as well as a vent project partially about this exact situation.
there were so many songs that couldâve been picked out, that youâd prefer to talk about because theyâre about you, but the one they picked was one of the two love songs.Â
âsex sells,â your agent always says, and you couldnât even deny it. this song wasnât even about sex; it was about the lack of sex, if anything. but the sentiment was the same â up and coming female musician talks about love, and it puts her under public scrutiny. public scrutiny means sheâs getting attention, which means her fanbase and career are growing, but it also means every word is dissected, every interaction is dissected. it was the most exhausting part of the job.
but youâve learnt how to be a little sneaky. not one fan has figured out who this song is about. hell, there are only a select few friends of yours who know who the song is about. tate being one of them, but thatâs because she introduced you to your so-called muse.Â
he doesnât know itâs about him either, and hopefully, he wonât figure it out. you were banking on him being stupid, or oblivious, or just not listening at all, though the latter was unlikely since he had a habit of conveying his opinion on music youâd released in some way or other. you thought the song was obvious, riddled with sports metaphors and callbacks to experiences that the two of you had actually shared, but maybe he wouldnât be able to tell. itâs not like you name-dropped him in the song or said anything hyper-specific, since that wouldâve made it obvious to your fans, too. and while hockey players definitely arenât all stupid, he had a tendency to be a bit oblivious to things right under his nose. that was basically the message of the song.
the interviewer pulls you out of your trance with another question, thankfully not about the inspiration behind the song this time. âso, youâve got this song coming out tonight, and you just mentioned your upcoming ep⌠when can we expect that from you?â
the career oriented question makes you literally beam. finally you can talk about what you actually do, instead of your barebones love life.
âwe have a busy few months! this song comes out tonight, as you know, and then the ep as a whole comes out november 1st. but i implore my lovely fans to keep an eye out for other things that are coming between now and then. maybe a little show close to the time of ep releaseâŚâ
youâre met with cheers from the crowd and a thumbs up from your agent in the wings. youâd become well-versed in the art of promoting yourself, but in a teasing way, as if youâd accidentally spoiled something that was supposed to be kept under wraps.
âyou heard it here, folks! that could be me by the lovely y/n comes out tonight with an ep and maybe more on the way! y/n, lovely to have you on as always, we will be looking out for the elusive individual who this song is about,â the interviewer shoots you a wink, at which you genuinely laugh. you wave your goodbyes, blowing kisses to the cheering crowd and one especially to the camera, as your interview ends.
itâs close to midnight when you finally get home after staying post-interview to meet fans. you repost some clips from the interview to your story and pull up your drafted post for the song release. contrary to popular belief, and against your agentâs better judgment, you handle your own social media. you like being able to read messages from your fans and interact with them whenever possible and appropriate. plus it felt more personal in a way that you always wanted your career to feel.
you reread your caption, adding a few details to it and tweaking the wording a little, before scheduling it to post at exactly midnight. you collate some pictures to post on your story, but while scrolling through your camera roll, you come across pictures of the muse himself.
a picture of you and mat, from the first time he came to one of your shows. your birthday show in june, where he showed up without his girlfriend and was happy to come to the post-show hangout with your friends after. the picture is nauseatingly cute, and you could never post it. it would raise too many suspicions and would get so messy, especially with mat still being in a relationship. and his girlfriend was nice! not someone youâd typically hang out with, or even someone you necessarily see as matâs type, but she was nice to you whenever youâd met her.Â
the picture was from backstage; youâd changed out of your concert outfit into something a bit more casual when mat came to see you, to congratulate you on the show and wish you a happy birthday.
âthere she is! woman of the hour,â you hear his voice ring out in the entrance to your dressing room, and you immediately turn to face him. mat barzal. the hockey player youâve been crushing on since tate introduced him to you, even though you told her youâd never crush on a hockey player. âhappy birthday, superstar!â
mat crosses your dressing room to pull you into a warm hug. the pair of you were very big on touchy affection, and it may look weird to some people, but thatâs just who you guys are. youâve been physically affectionate with each other since you first met.
âthanks, mat,â you say against his shoulder. when you pull away, heâs smiling, and he pulls a bouquet of flowers out from behind his back. a beautiful bouquet of all your favourite flowers, with pink tulips right in the centre. âthese are so beautiful! thanks, honey. did you enjoy the show?â
you put your flowers on your dressing table before nodding at him to sit on the plush green couch in your dressing room. he gets comfortable on the couch, manspreading as he always does. and you join him, sitting cross-legged with your knees resting on his thigh, as you always do. like a small tradition for the two of you, leaning even more into that touchy affection that other people donât really understand.
âthat was one of the most amazing live shows iâve ever been to, y/n. youâre really killing it, superstar.â
his words are so genuine and earnest that it makes you emotional. brings tears to your eyes that you quickly blink away before he can see.Â
before you can say anything in response, a group of your friends walk in. theyâd mostly all met mat before, especially tate who had introduced you to each other. everyone in the group exchanges pleasantries, shaking hands and hugging, while you stay seated, slightly hazy-eyed. your best friend, penelope, catches your eye and subtly tips her head up to ask if youâre doing okay. you nod and give her a smile, though it doesnât quite match the smile youâd given mat earlier. she responds by gesturing to the flowers with a shift of her eyes, and this time, your smile is big and real. but you play nonchalant by rolling your eyes at her and turning your attention back to the bigger group.
âhey, is mat coming to your house to hang out with us?â penny asks you, smirking when you flush. matâs head whips towards you, so fast it was like itâd been on a string.
âare you free?â you ask. âtotally cool if not, but itâs just a chill thing â drinks, music, board games, comfy clothes.â
he literally beams at you. his smile lights up his entire face, and his joy is so infectious that you canât help but return it. he didnât need to verbally accept the offer. that reaction told you everything you needed to know. you stand from your spot on the couch, ready to head out, when mat stops you.Â
âlet me get a picture with the birthday girl first,â he says, hopeful that you wouldnât reject him. he was stupid to think you ever would, but you donât let him know that. instead, you respond with a classic playful eyeroll and hand your phone to penny.
mat pulls you into him, his arm around your shoulders and yours around his waist. penny takes a couple of pictures like this, but while sheâs still clicking away, mat leans down to murmur in your ear.
âwhatâs a guy gotta do to have a song written about him?â
you canât do anything to stop the laugh that erupts out of you. there is so much irony in that comment that he doesnât even realise, and you would never tell him. the truth is, since crushing on mat, youâd written countless lyrics about him. no full songs yet, but you had one floating around in your mind.Â
he laughs with you and suddenly your bodies are holding each other up, both keeled over in laughter that nobody else in the room understands. neither of you realise it in the moment, but penny managed to capture that exact moment, forever immortalised for you to look back on (and maybe print out for your picture wall).
later that evening, youâre back at your house in comfy clothes and a diet pepsi in your hand; the drink was courtesy of mat who kept a stash in his car for you just in case you were ever out. which you were today. you didnât let yourself think too long about the fact that mat kept a stash of your favourite drink in his car, and you especially didnât let yourself think too hard about how he probably took them out and put them back in on days when heâd be seeing you, because the can in your hand was not flat. you were already deep into your crush on mat, despite your personal vow to never engage in any kind of romantic relations with an nhl player. being friends with tate had taught you enough about the goings-on of a hockey playerâs mind, and that was something you wanted to avoid at all costs.Â
youâd managed to arrange for all of your friends to be together at the same time, under one roof, but having penny and tate together on a night sometimes proved to be a problem for you. today was one of those times, since penny had somehow managed to already tell tate all about your backstage interactions with mat, which naturally had to be followed up with an interrogation.
âso⌠barzy, huh? can i take the credit for your new love connection?â tateâs voice in your ear surprises you and your first instinct is to check your surroundings and make sure there was nobody else in your general vicinity, but especially not mat. thankfully, tate was discreet. the only other person around was penelope.
âand what, pray tell, are you on about?â you ask tate, acting oblivious, like you didnât know exactly what she was referring to.Â
âdonât play dumb, y/n, you know what iâm talking about. penny told me all about your backstage interaction with our mathew.â
you turn to face penelope and glower at her, before turning back to tate to put her right. ânothing even happened! he came to the show, we chatted, we took a picture and now heâs here. thatâs it.â
this time itâs penny who replies. ât, let me fill you in on what she isnât telling you. the details, if you will. one: genevieve did not come to the show with him. he came alone. two: when we all walked in, y/n was basically sat in his fucking lap. and three: the picture they took is couply as fuck. like, this is a relationship picture. he whispered some shit in her ear that nobody knows and sheâs cheesing like she never has before. especially not with thomas.â
the reference to your ex makes you scowl again, more from sadness than anger. when you look up to see tate, her jaw is completely unhinged and practically on the floor. thereâs a mischievous twinkle in her eye that youâd only seen once before, and that was when she had first introduced you to mat.Â
âhe came alone and then was acting couply with you backstage?â she asks, voice gleaming with joy. you roll your eyes in response to her ludicrous assumptions.
âwe were acting the way we always act! nothing out of the ordinary at all. and i was not on his lap, pen! i was just sat beside him. having a normal conversation about the show.â
âthe way you always act is hardly an excuse, y/n. you and mat have been blurring the line since you first met.â tateâs reply wasnât curt, but it was blunt. very to the point in a way that she wasnât usually. but penelope interrupted you before you could get in any kind of retort to that statement.
âokay, missy. if itâs all so platonic between the two of you, what did he whisper in your ear that made you piss yourself laughing, hm?â pen had a single eyebrow raised and her mouth was turned up in a knowing smirk, as if she could read your mind and knew exactly what mat had said to you.
his comment wasnât even that egregious! it was an innocent, throwaway comment between friends, but tate and penelope wouldâve taken his words and ran with them, especially since matâs girlfriend had been absent tonight.
ânothing! he didnât say anything, he was just making jokes! câmon, tatie, you know how he is! youâve known him longest and you know heâs funny.â when you turned to tate, desperate for her to back you up, she was only snickering. âwhat are you laughing at?â
âyou and your⌠delusion? obliviousness? lack of self awareness? take your fuckinâ pick, y/n,â tate replies, still giggling through her words. âi hate to burst whatever bubble this is, but mat isnât like that with everyone. super friendly, absolutely. but pennyâs right, you guys are constantly blurring that line.â
you can only respond with a frustrated huff. neither of them understood the position you were in right now, so you decided to throw out a hail mary and explain it one last time.
âlook. letâs say i did like mat-âwhich i am not saying i do,â you look pointedly at tate before she can interrupt you. âbut letâs say i did. he has a fucking girlfriend. who i donât think particularly likes me for some reason. and, hey, letâs rule that out, too. letâs pretend he doesnât have a girlfriend. that wouldnât make any hypothetical feelings mutual! even if i did feel anything for him, that wouldnât immediately mean heâd feel them back! and letâs even fucking pretend he did feel something non-platonic towards me. letâs go that far into this hypothetical. i am not going there with a professional hockey player! i got a firsthand look at how they are when tate was going out with cole, and just from observing every other nhl guy literally ever. i am not going there. not after everything that happened with thomas. it took me too long to heal from that and i canât put myself through it all again, even for mathew fucking barzal. and above everything else, i donât want to ruin my friendship with him! i really love being his friend and i canât ruin that because of any hypothetical feelings.â
at the end of your monologue, you let out a long, strained exhale. youâre on the verge of tears and penny can tell immediately. without another word, she pulls you into a warm hug, your head resting comfortably on her shoulder. tate doesnât sandwich you, instead only holding your hand and rubbing her thumb back and forth against your knuckles.
âwhen did you realise?â penny asks, voice hushed and not needing to elaborate on her meaning. you knew she was asking when you first realised your feelings for mat.Â
âend of march, maybe? when i started going to games more. seeing him like that and we started to have debriefs after where heâd explain things to me and just⌠heâs so passionate and sweet and-ââ you cut yourself off, sniffling into pennyâs shoulder, feeling her squeeze your body extra tight.
ây/n⌠mat isnât like thomas. you know that, right?â tateâs tone is one that she might use with a wounded animal, soothing and gentle, not like before when sheâd been poking fun. âiâve run in the same circles for a while and heâs genuinely really great. heâs not like the other guys in the league. and heâd be so stupid to not feel the same way about you.â
you pull away from penelopeâs embrace, shaking your head frantically. âyou canât tell anyone. this fact cannot leave this circle. iâm serious. genevieve dislikes me enough already, and i canât risk her finding anything out.â
they both mumble agreements and promises but you remain skeptical. to ease your paranoia, you pull out your pinky for them to hook onto in a three-way pinky promise.
penny is the first to break the silence between the three of you. âwe wonât say anything to anyone. but, y/n, you deserve someone who treats you right. just remember that, okay? you never have to settle.â
when you all break your crossed pinkies, tate pushes you towards to bathroom, urging you to clean up your puffy face. pennyâs words stick with you while you rinse your face, focussing on your eyes. youâd been settling for quite some time now, especially with thomas. even mat had spoken up about your relationship. youâd barely known him for three months but youâd gotten so close so fast and he was constantly looking out for you. of course you developed feelings for him, especially after breaking up with thomas.
when you finally leave the bathroom, your nose is much less red and your eyes much less puffy. but, of course, the first person you bump into is mat.
âhey there, superstar. you doinâ okay?â he asks, and you canât even pretend to be surprised that he noticed something was wrong. mat has always been an attentive friend, with you and everyone else.
âno, yeah, all good! just adrenaline crashing. and processing the fact that iâm aging and all that. 22 feels lke the first real age, so,â you reply, stumbling over your words slightly.Â
âoh my god, y/n! you gotta chill, dude. youâre young.â
âyouâre only say that because youâre pushing thirty, old man.â you punctuate your teasing with a gentle shove on his shoulder and mat retaliates by shoving you back.Â
âtwenty-seven is not pushing thirty.â you only roll your eyes in response but when your eyes meet his again, theyâre full of concern. âyou sure youâre okay?â
mat very rarely renders you speechless, but heâs managed to do it twice in the same evening. you nod and then finally snap out of your trance. âyeah, iâm totally sure. all good.â
youâve barely finished speaking when mat pulls you into another hug, his arms wrapping around your shoulders again and his head resting on top of yours. a couple of seconds pass with the pair of you holding each other like that before anyone breaks the silence.
âwe should get back to the group,â you say into his chest. âi feel like iâve been away for ages.â you feel mat nod against your head but he doesnât let go just yet. he does eventually, and then he pulls you back into the room with the group where you force yourself to become immersed in the energy surrounding you, but canât help but miss the lingering feeling of matâs arms holding you up and his gaze on your face.
if people could know the story behind the song you were releasing tonight, this picture wouldâve been perfect to post. but the masses could never know. matâs girlfriend could never know. mat could never know. so you scroll past the picture and pick out some others. you choose one picture from that night, something subtle where only you would understand the relevance. just a picture of you on stage on your birthday.Â
you get a message in your groupchat with penny and tate, both having seen your interview. without even reading the message, you knew this was them teasing you for avoiding the whoâs the song about question.
when the clock strikes midnight, your post goes up, and you repost it to your story. youâre immediately tagged in numerous posts across all socials, and your friends start reposting the song to their socials. screenshots from the visualiser video start doing the rounds, and you retweet everything you see; fan reactions, excited tweets, first reviews. youâre about to put your phone down when you see a text come in. from mat.
your heart drops. why was he texting you? did you and your friends underestimate him, and heâd figured it out?Â
your heart rate steadies. even if he did figure it out, he didnât say anything. he texted you like usual, nothing out of the ordinary. once youâd calmed down, youâre able to let the giddiness over mat liking your song wash over you. you donât need his approval, but that doesnât mean you donât enjoy his praise.Â
you blush for only the empty room to see, heart soaring at his words.Â
you donât reply to his text, instead reacting to it with a heart. you couldnât explain why matâs praise meant so much to you, putting it down to valuing the opinion of the person youâre crushing on. you never classed yourself as somebody who craved the approval of anyone, especially not a man and especially not when it came to your career. but in a twisted, roundabout way, this song was a love letter to mat, and you found that his approval lit you up inside. as if he was seeing you, without actually seeing youâwithout you having to explicitly tell him anything.
not wanting to think too deeply about the situation, you close your text thread with mat and open twitter again. you post one last tweet for the night before shutting off your phone.
since the two of you first met, mat had considered you to be one of his favourite people and one of his closest friends. he cherished your detachment from the hockey world, and was immensely grateful to you for the fact that you cared about him as a person, rather than a hockey player; your friendship was with mat the regular guy, rather than mat barzal, star forward for the new york islanders.Â
that wasnât to say you didnât take an interest in his career, because you absolutely did. mat noticed the zero-to-one-hundred change that youâd made in terms of how much you cared about hockey. where before you were only a casual watcher because you were surrounded by it due to your friendship with tate, youâd now become an avid hockey enjoyer.Â
countless nights were spent on mat explaining different aspects of the game to you, sometimes over the phone while he was on a roadie, sometimes sat on your living room floor sharing a pizza that you spent almost an hour arguing over before mat caved and let you choose your preferred toppings. the two of you became inexplicably close; mat liked having you around because you kept him grounded. he found himself aching to be around you, in ways that he couldnât say he felt towards genevieve. genevieve who only cared about the stardom, the fame, the fancy dinners and rich company. genevieve who looked down her nose at you and how hard you worked and your closeness to mat.
sheâd had a problem with you since the first time mat introduced you both, at some kind of team dinner, though heâd forgotten the specifics. all he can remember is how well you got along with his team. how easily you integrated into a group of his favourite people because you truly took interest in them, in ways that he couldnât say genevieve ever did.Â
he remembers your warm smile and bright eyes and the ache in his chest when he introduced you to his people as his friend. he remembers how you lit up whenever someone asked about your career, always giddy to talk about your passion, excited to show his friends what you were working on. the pride he felt when his friends pulled him aside to express how much they liked you being there and how much light you brought to the group. the knife that cut him open when marc asked if you were single and if mat could âhook it upâ.
he tried to push it all aside. emotional cheating and genevieve aside, he couldnât risk ruining your friendship, not wanting to live in a world where you werenât in his life. he tried to ignore the fact that youâd accidentally become a package deal. y/n-and-mat rather than y/n and mat. not once had the guys or wags regarded genevieve in that way. so he didnât let himself risk your friendship. he took genevieve to italy in july during the off-season. he posted the pictures for the world to see, even though he secretly wished it was you.
the two of them flew back in to jfk so that mat could have a few daysâ rest before going back to vancouver for a couple of weeks. heâd asked bo to pick him but, unbeknownst to him, bo had asked holly to send you in his place. so there you were, waiting for mat when he walked out of the airport. he knew you could sense the distance between him and genevieve but he didnât let that linger. in fact, the second he saw you, all of the negativity around his relationship and the trip he had taken just faded into the distance. he was home and you were here with him, and nothing else mattered.
he immediately pulled you into the tightest hug, only to feel you laugh against his chest while he breathed you in. only after pulling away did he notice what you were wearing. he watched you give genevieve a quick and friendly hug before deciding to question you on the attire.
âwhy are you in all denim overalls at one in the morning?â he asked. his tone was teasing but in a way that was entirely transparent in his affection for you. he was tired and heâd missed you and there was zero chance of him being able to hide that right now.
âif you must know, mathew, penny and i were playing around with outfit options for upcoming projects. and trying to figure out vibes for tour,â you replied. your smartass tone always made him smile, shaking his head in amusement at your antics, admiring your sparky attitude so late at night.
âyou look good, y/n,â genevieve piped up, unexpected to you and mat. mat knew that you felt like genevieve wasnât too fond of you, so he also knew youâd be equally surprised by her compliment. not that you let your surprise show through.
âthanks, gen! i think maybe for a photoshoot for the ep? or maybe a tour outfit? i feel like i should have a feather boa and be on the way to a harry styles concert, but maybe thatâs what i love about it.âÂ
the smile literally does not leave your face, even at this time of night, even when you take genevieveâs bags and load them into your car. when you ask the plan, mat quickly tells you to drop genevieve off first, and then go to his place from there. he knew you well enough to know youâd interrogate him as soon as you dropped genevieve off, so he spent the journey concocting an answer to why he wasnât staying with his girlfriend tonight, whilst you and said girlfriend made idle conversation from the front of the car.
he couldnât make sense of why he felt reluctant to explain that him and genevieve were fighting and seemed pretty close to being on the outs. you were one of his closest friends and he didnât feel like he had to hide it from anyone else. when he thought into it a little deeper, he realised it was purely because he was scared of rejection. telling you that he and genevieve were potentially breaking up would mean he would have to give you some kind of reasoning, but the only reason he could give was that she was jealous of your closeness with him. and confessing that felt a little too close to confessing that maybe genevieve was right to have concerns, because somewhere along the way maybe his feelings for you did start to run a little deeper. and that felt a little too close to completely laying his heart on the line for you. telling you each of his late night thoughts and fantasies, about how the two of you could be perfect, about how he wanted to be the one waiting for you backstage after a show while you were the one waiting for him in the family room after a game.
and confessing all of that felt a little too close to potential rejection. because in what world would someone like you go for him. you were the most beautiful, genuine person mat had ever had the pleasure of meeting, and just your friendship was priviledge enough. he couldnât risk ruining that, regardless of how perfect it could be. regardless of the fact that sometimes he felt your eyes on him, too, the same way his would linger on you. or the way youâd hold his arm when you laughed, with your eyes crinkling a little extra from the pure joy that he put there. mat wanted to put that look in your eye for the rest of your life, and he wouldnât be able to do that anymore if he told you about all his strange, complicated feelings only to be followed up by you rejecting him.
so he made an internal plan that when youâd ask about why him and genevieve werenât going home together, heâd tell youââ
âmat!âÂ
your voice snapped him out of his daze and his head popped up to lock eyes with you giving him the most puzzled look. genevieve had already gotten out of your car and was waiting for him to at least say goodbye to her, but mat was none the wiser. all he could see was you, looking at him like he was a complete idiot.
âgo and help your girlfriend with her luggage, mathew. i didnât think youâd need to be instructed, and iâd do it but iâm feeling tired.â
mat immediately got up and got out of the car, rounding it to grab genevieveâs suitcase from your trunk while you rolled your eyes at him. needing to make up for his shitty boyfriend behaviour, he walked genevieve up to her door and gave her a quick side hug and a gentle, but friendly, kiss on the side of her head. he watched her give you a polite wave goodbye before going disappearing through the front door, giving mat his cue to awkwardly jog back to your car where you were waiting for him and queueing up your joint playlist.
âwhat was all that about?â you asked him, so casually and offhandedly that it seemed like you were only asking to be nice. mat knew you better than to believe you werenât after any kind of gossip, even if your intentions were pure. you could be a good friend to him while also wanting him to indulge you with dirty details of his love life.
he started with a shrug, watching you shift into reverse and pull away from his girlfriendâs place. âlong travel day, i guess. sheâs got commitments this week and didnât want to deal with the boyfriend, or whatever.â
âright, i get that. but youâre heading back to vancouver for a while soon. you two didnât want to squeeze in some more time together before you go?â you ask, and mat can sense your genuine concern and curiosity. this wasnât idle chatter to get information out of himâ you could tell something was wrong, and mat hated seeing that furrow in your brow, so he had to scramble. and somehow also be convincing.
âcâmon, y/n, sheâs probably sick of me by now. she just spent an italian summer with the boyfriend and just wants girl-time before diving back into work.â his words were punctuated with as genuine of a laugh as he could muster, but he knew instantly you wouldnât be convinced. instead of laying it on even thicker, he just prayed you would sense his lack of enthusiasm and drop the subject of genevieve all together.
âfair enough,â you sighed. âiâd get sick of you, too, if i had to spend my hot girl summer with you. and at least this way, the two of us can hang out for a bit before you head out again, and i wonât feel bad for taking you away from your girlfriend.â
mat picked up on your comment straight away but decided not to make a big deal of it, instead choosing to go down his very standard route of teasing you to try and piss you off.
âaww, did someone miss me while i was in italy?â he asked, voice pitched a little higher in that teasing tone. and he fully expected you to reciprocate.Â
but you didnât.
âyou know i did,â you replied. completely serious.Â
mat tried to urge you to look across the console at him but you didnât dare, instead keeping your eyes locked on the nighttime roads while you drove him home, now basically in silence.
when you arrived at matâs, he invited you in but for one of the first times in forever, you refused. and without you there to distract him physically, matâs every thought that night was plagued by you. what your seriousness meant, why you didnât come inside, why you picked him up from the airport. and more than anything else, how much he wished it had been you in italy with him instead of genevieveâ how much he wished it was you with him every step of the way, every single day, instead of genevieve.
after that entire airport situation in july, and a lot of reflection while in vancouver in august, and a long phone conversation with genevieve, he finally decided it was time to call it quits on his relationship. mat had remained mature and cordial with genevieve while they discussed the situation, and he was as honest as he could be. genevieve was also extremely understanding on the whole, not trying to shame mat at any stage, even though he felt like she was entitled to.
respectful as they both were, genevieve didnât pass up the opportunity to call mat out on his bullshit.
âi know youâre into y/n. and i know youâve been into her,â sheâd said. mat didnât even try to deny it, because it was true, and apparently, it was obvious to everyone except you. genevieve didnât give him any advice, and she didnât lay into him. she just wished him good luck, with you and with the upcoming hockey season, and the two of them politely ended the call.Â
he decided not to tell you straight away. well, apparently, he hadnât decided when to tell you at all. because that phone call was in august and now here he was in september, still sitting on this piece of information, letting you believe he was still with genevieve.
in fact, he hadnât really told anyone except beau, who had immediately clocked him in the most embarrassing way. mat had barely gotten the words out before beau was asking him when heâd be asking you out, which led to mat giving his best friend a look of pure confusion because how did he figure it out? beau took one look at matâs expression and literally scoffed in his face.
âdid you think youâd be able to hide it from me of all people? and regardless of that youâre not exactly subtle. you have that picture of the two of you from her birthday fucking framed, barzy.â
and mat would be lying if he said he didnât blush at that. whether it was the concept of his crush not being as under the radar as he thought it was, or the way beau had been so cut and dry, mat wasnât sure. but there he stood, in front of his best friend, practically pleading with him to not out his feelings.
âwhy donât you want her to know? donât you want to see if it could go anywhere with her? sheâs got a soft spot for you of her own, barzy,â beau told him, trying to knock any kind of sense into his extremely stupid friend.Â
mat just shook his head in response, borderline frantically. âshe canât know, man. she doesnât feel the same way and i know that as a fact. sheâs got no interest in getting involved with a hockey player, and especially not me, of all people.â
he got an eye-roll back, but beau agreed to keep his secret. even if he knew mat was being an idiot.
the month following the release of your single came the whirlwind of ep release press. interviews, performances, photoshoots, and so much social media teasing. and it all lined up with the start of matâs 24/25 season. during the off-season, he was getting up to his own press and social obligations, so the last time youâd seen him in the flesh was that night at the airport. until today.Â
today was the first of many live shows, and your first ever one night only, where youâd be playing the new ep in full. a seven-song extended play, start to end, finished off with a couple of older songs and some of songs that didnât quite make it to the ep.Â
and youâd invited mat. knowing full well that three of those seven songs had been with him in mind.
youâd also invited genevieve, of course, not wanting to be an awful host to one of your closest friends, but he let you know that she wouldnât be attending. when you asked if everything was alright between them, heâd been evasive and avoidant, not giving any details and just brushing you off. you figured they were fighting, but didnât push for details.Â
instead of bringing genevieve, mat asked if he could bring a friend. in the time youâd known mat, you hadnât had a chance to properly meet anthony beauvillier, or tito as youâd heard from mat at least a hundred times a day. given how mat had always talked about him, you figured beau was matâs version of tate and penny, so he probably knew more than you did about the genevieve situation. so you welcomed mat to invite him, hoping this could be a gateway to getting to the bottom of what was going on with your best guy friend and his girlfriend, even if it wouldnât be immediately.
at times, mat was frustratingly privateânot all the way closed off, but heâd avoid the topic of his own feelings. the pair of you were birds of a feather in that way, so you could never really call him out on it. the only few times youâd tried, he looked at you with a raised eyebrow that accused you of blatant hypocrisy, forcing you to drop the subject entirely.
regardless, there were three songs on the ep that were directly inspired by him. three and a half if you squint, which your fans (and tate and penelope) absolutely would. you werenât nervous for him to hear most of them, but there was one exception. one song on the ep, that was very much inspired by him, that stood out like a sore thumb from the rest. maybe even from the rest of your entire discography.Â
it was experimental to your usual sound with its sensual nature and the most overtly sexual song you had ever written, making it a complete standout song on the ep and in your discography as a whole. partly based on real experiences, and partly taken straight from the fantasies youâve let yourself dream up on late nights when youâve let your mind wander. nights when youâd let yourself believe there was some kind of tension between you and mat; nights when his touch had lingered a little longer than usual, when you could feel his eyes on you a little more intensely. usually when genevieve hadnât been around. nights when you didnât mean to, but inevitably couldnât stop yourself from slipping your hand into your panties while the memory of one of your best friends played at the forefront of your desire-clouded mind.
only tate had heard the song, since youâd employed her as your dance instructor for your show, and even she hadnât put the pieces together. this song was one that nobody would suspect to be about mat, your best friends included, so you felt comfortable playing it for them to help with choreography.
as well as the music being different to the style youâd usually release, you had an idea for how you wanted to perform it that was so unlike your usual image. for one song only, youâd have a pole up on the stage with you. youâd been taking pole dancing classes for years, using them as your favourite core building exercise, and youâd had tate help you choreograph for the song specifically, as well as teach you some extra fun, extra sexy, tricks. having your best friend oversee your pole routine was the most amazing boost to your confidence, and you couldnât help but buzz with excitement to show off this whole other side of you to your fans.
and to mat.
âi want to thank each and every one of you for coming out here tonight for my first ever one night one! i have some very special people in the crowd tonight, who i am extremely grateful for,â you punctuate your words with a wave and a blown kiss towards your friends. âtonight, or any night, would not have been possible without my little support system and no matter how much i tell you guys i love you, it will never be enough.â
looking out into the crowd caused you to accidentally catch matâs eye, your gaze gravitating to him as it often did when the two of you were in the same space. he gave you just a quick wink and mouthed a subtle good luck to which you shook your head with a smile. a movement that was barely visible, but when your eyes shifted just slightly to tate and penny (and beau) you could tell that theyâd caught the interaction. you knew youâd get a grilling from your best friends later, but prayed youâd come up with some kind of explanation by that time. or, the more unlikely outcome, that theyâd get caught up in the show and completely forget to interrogate you.
mat had been to your live shows before, and you never failed to amaze him when you were on the stage, in your element. but something about you tonight left him particularly mesmerised. he tracked your every movement, watching you practically float across the stage, and he didnât know if he was hallucinating it but he couldâve sworn you locked eyes with him again when singing the line nothing makes me feel as good as being loved by you. as if you were talking directly to him in the middle of a song about the price of fame and glamour, a concept he had some understanding of.Â
he often found himself surprised at how much he could relate to the songs youâd written and released, which he would then chastise himself for because he found it so easy to relate to you as a person and compare experiences with being in the spotlight in your own fields. but he was truly impressed by how easily he could relate your music to his own lived experiences, and the songs from your new ep were no exception.Â
the next song was the single youâd released last month as the lead single of the ep, and it was one he wasnât ashamed to admit he played frequently in his car. he loved the song and he hadnât lied to you when he said it was so you. but watching you perform it live on stage made it so much more enjoyable, from your live vocals to the experience of watching you on stage. mat couldnât describe your stage presence during this song as anything other than a true representation of you. carefree and girly, and so full of emotion. you were literally jumping around on stage while singing, without compromising on your vocals which was aweâinspiring in itself. when it came to the bridge, you took a pause from jumping around and head-banging, instead dropping to your knees with a cameraman following your movement. there was a vent somewhere on the stage that was blowing your hair back in a way that looked so theatrical it had to have been planned that way.
matâs eyes followed you around the stage as if you were the only two people in the room, as if there wasnât a crowd full of people there to watch you, as if his best friend wasnât watching him make a fool of himself while watching you. but his attention on you paid off because when you sang out the final âthat could be me!â you looked right at him and this time it was you who winked at him.Â
heâd never tell anyone, except maybe tito, but in that moment, he knew how all the fangirls felt claiming their favourite singer had looked right at them.
and he realised in that moment that he no longer wanted to live in a world where he didnât have the privilege of your attention on him.Â
the transition to the next portion of the show almost gave mat whiplash. you werenât on stage for the beginning of the song, where a bass-heavy extended intro filled the space between songs. he kept trying to find you but instead was met with a light smoke filling the stage and when his eyes managed to refocus the first thing he spotted was a pole. he tried to act as nonchalant as possible, but every single person in the room knew what was about to come but only one person other than himself knew how it would affect him.Â
he felt beau lean over to murmur a quiet, âdid you know this was happening?â and instead of replying, mat only shook his head. beauâs expression morphed into something between sympathy and amusement, and it made mat want to smack him silly. he only refrained for your sake, not wanting to ruin your show.Â
by the time he managed to pull himself together and shake off the initial shock, you had come back onto the stage. the crowd erupted into screams and cheers, and even amidst his crisis mat felt so immensely proud of you and what you had created here in this room.Â
that feeling was quickly squashed and thrown aside when you started to move.
mat was not ashamed to admit that heâd been to his fair share of strip clubs in his time. heâd had a dance or two, and he didnât shy away from it. but this was an entirely different ballgame. he had never seen you move in this way, and now he had a front row seat. (not literally, but his attention was so tunnel visioned onto you that he may as well have.)
if you were mesmerising before, you were truly breathtaking now. as in, matâs chest was tight and he was having trouble breathing. you moved around the pole so effortlessly, contorting your body in ways that he had literally dreamt of, and doing it in a way that was graceful in its sensuality. the instrumental continued on as you moved around the freestanding pole, at one point turning completely upside down, and mat only realised he was holding his breath when you started to sing, signposting the end of your pole routine.Â
but matâs shock did not wear off, because this song was different. heâd never heard you make anything like it, though he knew you often listened to bass-heavy music with a sultry beat and sensual lyrics. he wouldnât have ever expected you to make something like this for one of your own projects, though.Â
the pole routine made sense as soon as he started to actually pay attention to the words coming out of the speakers. the lyrics had way surpassed sensual, skipping straight to filthy. he had to admit it: mat was turned on. he was also extremely jealous of whoever had inspired you to make a song like this, feeling a very ironic that could be me moment of his own. but his jealousy was overpowered by the raw lust coursing through him while he watched you.
this time, when beau leaned over to him, he didnât notice. mat didnât even notice beau's âoh, youâre fucked, dude,â because he was so enraptured by you. he started to feel hot under his collar and ran his hands through his hair a few times, a common stress-induced habit for him that didnât go unnoticed by beau, who snickered at the sight.Â
though your pole routine had stopped, your dancing hadnât. it became abundantly clear that this full song had planned out choreography, and mat was torn between being desperate for it to stop and wanting it to go on forever. and a third, ugly feeling of fleeting regret. regret that he hadnât told you about the breakup with genevieve; regret that he hadnât taken titoâs advice and asked you out when he had the chance; regret that someone other than himself was inspiring a song like this from you, and all he could do was stand back and watch.Â
when the song finished, it was clear that you were slightly out of breath, and completely understandably. but then, mat watched you literally light up as every single person in the room started to scream and cheer, with some even whistling. he watched a proud glow beam over you, taking over the nerves you must have been feeling.
âthank you, guys!â you spoke into the mic, breathless and giggly, in a way that made matâs heart ache. âand thank you to my best friend, tate!â
mat watched as penny hugged tate by her neck, and even beau shook her by the shoulders, enthusiastic and full of joy. mat just made a mental note to do something really good for her. heâd think properly about what it would be when his every thought wasnât consumed with you.
âas much as i want to say letâs party, weâre about to switch it up and get real depressing in here for a second,â you speak into the mic. a chair and guitar are brought out for you, replacing the pole set up, and you slip on a big hoodie to get comfortable before sitting down.Â
âi wrote this song after an event that i hate to say ripped me apart, but itâs about a feeling that you are never alone in, even if you feel like you are.â
the rest of the show goes on without a hitch. you get vulnerable, you party, you cry on stage, you frolic around and laugh. it was as close to perfect as you couldâve asked for, and especially once the most nerve-wracking part was over. you were anxious to get any kind of feedback on skin and your pole routine, but instead of dwelling on it, you threw yourself into the rest of the show.
after playing through the ep in full, you went back through your biggest and fan favourite songs, tearing up as the theatre full of people sang your lyrics back to you. when the show was over and you bid your goodbyes to your audience, you made your way backstage, back to your dressing room.Â
you quickly gulped down a bottle of water, not as cold as you wouldâve wanted but much easier to chug down, before being startled by a knock on the door.Â
âwho is it?â you called, not waiting for a response before walking to the door. you opened it to reveal none other than mat.Â
you were hit with an instant sense of deja vu that you tried to tamp down, memories of your birthday show lingering in the back of your mind.
âhey!â you greet him, a little breathless, and so desperately trying to act casual, especially after the show you had just put on to the sexiest song youâd ever made, which was written about the man in front of you. âjust you? whereâs everyone else?â
there were rarely awkward moments between you and mat; the two of you had a very effortless and affectionate friendship that didnât leave room for awkward. but right now? you could cut the tension with a spoon. all physical affection was out the window and, suddenly, you felt guilty for being the one to cause the tension.Â
âtito had to find the bathroom. tate got stopped to speak to someone, and penny stayed with her. so just me for now.â matâs voice was slightly strained while he spoke. he gave you a very slow once over, making you feel conscious in the wake of his gaze. but his next statement calmed your worries almost instantly.
âyou were phenomenal, superstar,â he told you, earnest and tone so full of awe. âlike, actually so insane. iâve never seen anything like it. you were made for the stage, y/n. thereâs nowhere else you should be. and nobody is doing it like you.â
you flush so warm under his compliment, almost tearing up again. truthfully, youâd been most nervous for mat to see the show and experience the ep, for reasons you couldnât fully explain. you simply put it down to almost half of the songs being inspired by him in some way, so in a roundabout way you were eager for his approval. not that you had anything to worry about.Â
and his words had eased some of the tension in the room. he finally all but barged in through the door and pulled you into a hug, murmuring a rasped, âcongratulations, stargirlâ against your hair. and your âthanks, mattyâ was muffled by his chest.
the others quickly made their way to your dressing room, with tate and penny showing beau the way, and they found the pair of you still locked in a tight hug. you finally broke apart at the sound of someone clearing their throat, only for you to be instantly engulfed in a tight squeeze by tate and penny. you heard some murmuring between mat and beau but you didnât pay it any mind, focussing only on your two best friends.
âwhat was that about?â penny mouthed when the three of you separated. you shook your head in response, quickly mouthing later back to her, not able to get into anything right now.Â
when you turn away from the pair of them, youâre met with mat and beau having some kind of silent eyes-only conversation. you interrupt their strange interaction to finally introduce yourself to beau, giving him an awkward little wave.
âsorry to break up⌠whatever this is! but itâs so good to finally meet you. mat literally does not shut up about you, like ever. itâs always beau this, beau that.â you hold out your hand with a cheeky smile. âiâd hug you, too, since iâm clearly a hugger, but iâm sweaty as fuck right now and wonât subject you to that.â
beau takes your hand, chuckling at your rambling. âyeah, ditto. our barzy here is always going on and on about you, like 24-fucking-7.â
you turn to mat and pump your eyebrows a couple of times, teasing him while he turns bright red. âyou both are so dramatic, this is why i was keeping you away from each other,â he adds, also teasing.
âoh, you knew weâd be too powerful together, huh? knew you wouldnât be able to handle it?â you joke, grateful for the easy conversation happening after the weird tension between you and mat just moments prior.Â
âyeah, something like that,â mat smiles, slightly coy in a way that youâve rarely seen in him.
you roll your eyes, keeping the mood light and playful, not dwelling on matâs expression. âso, anyway. the girls are coming to mine for a chill night because god knows i cannot do a full blown afterparty right now. do you both wanna join? just for, like, pizza and drinks and we usually watch friends or something.â
you pretend not to notice the looks you get from tate and penny, both of them realising that inviting the boys was your way of stalling the conversation that the three of you needed to have. instead, you put your focus on mat and beau, genuinely hoping theyâd say yes, purely just to hang out. this would be your way of celebrating the show and you wanted to do something laidback before the rush of halloween and your epâs release on november 1st.Â
lucky for you, they both agree, and the five of you head out. and doubly lucky for you, youâd brought your car to the venue, so you drove home alone. no interrogations from tate and penny, no more tension with mat. just you, alone in your car, reflecting on the night youâd had so far. a night that was far from over.
if you made it this far pls do leave me a cheeky comment or ask or anything to let me know thoughts feelings emotions bc this is SCARYYYYYYY ok love u bye
IVE BEEN WAITING FOR UR BARZY POPSTSR SERIES AND U SOOOOOOO DELIVERED!!!!! 10000/10
omg nonnie :â) iâm sorry i made you wait so long but i hope it was worth the wait !!! and thereâs more to come, trust me !!!!! especially bc the reader insert fmc is so me like this is MY reader insert :P
if thereâs anything about these two that u want to see PLS TELL ME !!!!!!!
summary: everyone knows it's important to have a muse. your inspiration has to come from somewhere, and where could be better than the hot hockey player that your best friend introduced you to. well, anywhere else, actually. because the hot hockey player has a girlfriend, and it's not like she's an awful person. but you can't deny that there's something going on between you and him, so why not channel that into your music?
warnings / tags: popstar!reader .á use of y/n .á lots of time jumps .á emotional cheating if you squint .á not explicit but there are thoughts and feelings .á bad writing .á no tense consistency .á switching between using beau and tito for mr. anthony beauvillier .á best friend!tate mcrae .á
wordcount: 10.4k
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a/n: this has been such a long time coming that i'm actually a bit embarrassed, and this is only chapter one. this is a lot of exposition and background and it's very messy and i didn't proofread it all the way because i suck. written across months of late nights. please leave literally any feedback at all, good or bad, i want to know your thoughts. i am so scared to hit publish on this but it's time i bit the bullet.
(if you want to be tagged in future fics or if you have any requests, let me know! or just come and chat with me! for my other barzy fics, here's my masterlist!)
september, present day
âso, y/n, your new songâŚâÂ
a shy smile graced your features at the interviewerâs start of a question. you knew this would be coming up, and you had prepared for the media-friendly answer, but the real truth still sat tight in your head. made you blush whenever you thought about it. thought about him.Â
âi do in fact have a new song coming out. itâs definitely one of my favourites, and i think my fans will all really love it, too.â
talking about your fans and your music made you beam with joy, enough to momentarily forget about the subject at hand.
âand we have some of the teased lyrics here; letâs have a read of them. you're where it's loud, lockin' eyes in a crowd, someone's name in your mouth that's not mine. that feels like it might be about someone very specific. anything you want to spill?â
you cover your nervous giggle with your hand, turning your head to hide your blush. âi think when i crush, i crush hard. and maybe once upon a time i was crushing on someone extra hard and got inspired. by the feeling itself, rather than the person.â you shrug, playing it off casually and twirling the end of your hair. âmusic is so personal to everyone and all about interpretation, so if someone listens to the song and wants to relate it to someone, thatâs their interpretation!â
you smile at the interviewer, happy with your answer to the question. perfectly vague, but just enough detail to keep people interested. always leave them wanting more.
âso, it was inspired by someone? can you tell us who?â the interviewer smiles invitingly, trying to create a false sense of trust, as if this wasnât all rehearsed.Â
âi absolutely cannot!â you laugh. âhonestly, itâs about the feeling. sure, a person can inspire a feeling, but when the feeling itself is so all-consuming, it stops being about the person. you become lost in the emotion. itâs wonderful and painful all the same. iâm someone who loves extremely hard. i feel everything so deeply to my core, and i think i convey that in all my music. but especially this upcoming ep.â
your smile is no longer shy or nervous; itâs genuine. you genuinely love your new ep â all the songs on it are so perfectly you and youâve never felt more proud of or connected to a project. this career isnât just your job, itâs your passion. your driving force. and while this EP did have some more romantic songs, or yearning songs as your fans would call them, a lot of the EP was more vulnerable. a love letter to music and to yourself, as well as a vent project partially about this exact situation.
there were so many songs that couldâve been picked out, that youâd prefer to talk about because theyâre about you, but the one they picked was one of the two love songs.Â
âsex sells,â your agent always says, and you couldnât even deny it. this song wasnât even about sex; it was about the lack of sex, if anything. but the sentiment was the same â up and coming female musician talks about love, and it puts her under public scrutiny. public scrutiny means sheâs getting attention, which means her fanbase and career are growing, but it also means every word is dissected, every interaction is dissected. it was the most exhausting part of the job.
but youâve learnt how to be a little sneaky. not one fan has figured out who this song is about. hell, there are only a select few friends of yours who know who the song is about. tate being one of them, but thatâs because she introduced you to your so-called muse.Â
he doesnât know itâs about him either, and hopefully, he wonât figure it out. you were banking on him being stupid, or oblivious, or just not listening at all, though the latter was unlikely since he had a habit of conveying his opinion on music youâd released in some way or other. you thought the song was obvious, riddled with sports metaphors and callbacks to experiences that the two of you had actually shared, but maybe he wouldnât be able to tell. itâs not like you name-dropped him in the song or said anything hyper-specific, since that wouldâve made it obvious to your fans, too. and while hockey players definitely arenât all stupid, he had a tendency to be a bit oblivious to things right under his nose. that was basically the message of the song.
the interviewer pulls you out of your trance with another question, thankfully not about the inspiration behind the song this time. âso, youâve got this song coming out tonight, and you just mentioned your upcoming ep⌠when can we expect that from you?â
the career oriented question makes you literally beam. finally you can talk about what you actually do, instead of your barebones love life.
âwe have a busy few months! this song comes out tonight, as you know, and then the ep as a whole comes out november 1st. but i implore my lovely fans to keep an eye out for other things that are coming between now and then. maybe a little show close to the time of ep releaseâŚâ
youâre met with cheers from the crowd and a thumbs up from your agent in the wings. youâd become well-versed in the art of promoting yourself, but in a teasing way, as if youâd accidentally spoiled something that was supposed to be kept under wraps.
âyou heard it here, folks! that could be me by the lovely y/n comes out tonight with an ep and maybe more on the way! y/n, lovely to have you on as always, we will be looking out for the elusive individual who this song is about,â the interviewer shoots you a wink, at which you genuinely laugh. you wave your goodbyes, blowing kisses to the cheering crowd and one especially to the camera, as your interview ends.
itâs close to midnight when you finally get home after staying post-interview to meet fans. you repost some clips from the interview to your story and pull up your drafted post for the song release. contrary to popular belief, and against your agentâs better judgment, you handle your own social media. you like being able to read messages from your fans and interact with them whenever possible and appropriate. plus it felt more personal in a way that you always wanted your career to feel.
you reread your caption, adding a few details to it and tweaking the wording a little, before scheduling it to post at exactly midnight. you collate some pictures to post on your story, but while scrolling through your camera roll, you come across pictures of the muse himself.
a picture of you and mat, from the first time he came to one of your shows. your birthday show in june, where he showed up without his girlfriend and was happy to come to the post-show hangout with your friends after. the picture is nauseatingly cute, and you could never post it. it would raise too many suspicions and would get so messy, especially with mat still being in a relationship. and his girlfriend was nice! not someone youâd typically hang out with, or even someone you necessarily see as matâs type, but she was nice to you whenever youâd met her.Â
the picture was from backstage; youâd changed out of your concert outfit into something a bit more casual when mat came to see you, to congratulate you on the show and wish you a happy birthday.
âthere she is! woman of the hour,â you hear his voice ring out in the entrance to your dressing room, and you immediately turn to face him. mat barzal. the hockey player youâve been crushing on since tate introduced him to you, even though you told her youâd never crush on a hockey player. âhappy birthday, superstar!â
mat crosses your dressing room to pull you into a warm hug. the pair of you were very big on touchy affection, and it may look weird to some people, but thatâs just who you guys are. youâve been physically affectionate with each other since you first met.
âthanks, mat,â you say against his shoulder. when you pull away, heâs smiling, and he pulls a bouquet of flowers out from behind his back. a beautiful bouquet of all your favourite flowers, with pink tulips right in the centre. âthese are so beautiful! thanks, honey. did you enjoy the show?â
you put your flowers on your dressing table before nodding at him to sit on the plush green couch in your dressing room. he gets comfortable on the couch, manspreading as he always does. and you join him, sitting cross-legged with your knees resting on his thigh, as you always do. like a small tradition for the two of you, leaning even more into that touchy affection that other people donât really understand.
âthat was one of the most amazing live shows iâve ever been to, y/n. youâre really killing it, superstar.â
his words are so genuine and earnest that it makes you emotional. brings tears to your eyes that you quickly blink away before he can see.Â
before you can say anything in response, a group of your friends walk in. theyâd mostly all met mat before, especially tate who had introduced you to each other. everyone in the group exchanges pleasantries, shaking hands and hugging, while you stay seated, slightly hazy-eyed. your best friend, penelope, catches your eye and subtly tips her head up to ask if youâre doing okay. you nod and give her a smile, though it doesnât quite match the smile youâd given mat earlier. she responds by gesturing to the flowers with a shift of her eyes, and this time, your smile is big and real. but you play nonchalant by rolling your eyes at her and turning your attention back to the bigger group.
âhey, is mat coming to your house to hang out with us?â penny asks you, smirking when you flush. matâs head whips towards you, so fast it was like itâd been on a string.
âare you free?â you ask. âtotally cool if not, but itâs just a chill thing â drinks, music, board games, comfy clothes.â
he literally beams at you. his smile lights up his entire face, and his joy is so infectious that you canât help but return it. he didnât need to verbally accept the offer. that reaction told you everything you needed to know. you stand from your spot on the couch, ready to head out, when mat stops you.Â
âlet me get a picture with the birthday girl first,â he says, hopeful that you wouldnât reject him. he was stupid to think you ever would, but you donât let him know that. instead, you respond with a classic playful eyeroll and hand your phone to penny.
mat pulls you into him, his arm around your shoulders and yours around his waist. penny takes a couple of pictures like this, but while sheâs still clicking away, mat leans down to murmur in your ear.
âwhatâs a guy gotta do to have a song written about him?â
you canât do anything to stop the laugh that erupts out of you. there is so much irony in that comment that he doesnât even realise, and you would never tell him. the truth is, since crushing on mat, youâd written countless lyrics about him. no full songs yet, but you had one floating around in your mind.Â
he laughs with you and suddenly your bodies are holding each other up, both keeled over in laughter that nobody else in the room understands. neither of you realise it in the moment, but penny managed to capture that exact moment, forever immortalised for you to look back on (and maybe print out for your picture wall).
later that evening, youâre back at your house in comfy clothes and a diet pepsi in your hand; the drink was courtesy of mat who kept a stash in his car for you just in case you were ever out. which you were today. you didnât let yourself think too long about the fact that mat kept a stash of your favourite drink in his car, and you especially didnât let yourself think too hard about how he probably took them out and put them back in on days when heâd be seeing you, because the can in your hand was not flat. you were already deep into your crush on mat, despite your personal vow to never engage in any kind of romantic relations with an nhl player. being friends with tate had taught you enough about the goings-on of a hockey playerâs mind, and that was something you wanted to avoid at all costs.Â
youâd managed to arrange for all of your friends to be together at the same time, under one roof, but having penny and tate together on a night sometimes proved to be a problem for you. today was one of those times, since penny had somehow managed to already tell tate all about your backstage interactions with mat, which naturally had to be followed up with an interrogation.
âso⌠barzy, huh? can i take the credit for your new love connection?â tateâs voice in your ear surprises you and your first instinct is to check your surroundings and make sure there was nobody else in your general vicinity, but especially not mat. thankfully, tate was discreet. the only other person around was penelope.
âand what, pray tell, are you on about?â you ask tate, acting oblivious, like you didnât know exactly what she was referring to.Â
âdonât play dumb, y/n, you know what iâm talking about. penny told me all about your backstage interaction with our mathew.â
you turn to face penelope and glower at her, before turning back to tate to put her right. ânothing even happened! he came to the show, we chatted, we took a picture and now heâs here. thatâs it.â
this time itâs penny who replies. ât, let me fill you in on what she isnât telling you. the details, if you will. one: genevieve did not come to the show with him. he came alone. two: when we all walked in, y/n was basically sat in his fucking lap. and three: the picture they took is couply as fuck. like, this is a relationship picture. he whispered some shit in her ear that nobody knows and sheâs cheesing like she never has before. especially not with thomas.â
the reference to your ex makes you scowl again, more from sadness than anger. when you look up to see tate, her jaw is completely unhinged and practically on the floor. thereâs a mischievous twinkle in her eye that youâd only seen once before, and that was when she had first introduced you to mat.Â
âhe came alone and then was acting couply with you backstage?â she asks, voice gleaming with joy. you roll your eyes in response to her ludicrous assumptions.
âwe were acting the way we always act! nothing out of the ordinary at all. and i was not on his lap, pen! i was just sat beside him. having a normal conversation about the show.â
âthe way you always act is hardly an excuse, y/n. you and mat have been blurring the line since you first met.â tateâs reply wasnât curt, but it was blunt. very to the point in a way that she wasnât usually. but penelope interrupted you before you could get in any kind of retort to that statement.
âokay, missy. if itâs all so platonic between the two of you, what did he whisper in your ear that made you piss yourself laughing, hm?â pen had a single eyebrow raised and her mouth was turned up in a knowing smirk, as if she could read your mind and knew exactly what mat had said to you.
his comment wasnât even that egregious! it was an innocent, throwaway comment between friends, but tate and penelope wouldâve taken his words and ran with them, especially since matâs girlfriend had been absent tonight.
ânothing! he didnât say anything, he was just making jokes! câmon, tatie, you know how he is! youâve known him longest and you know heâs funny.â when you turned to tate, desperate for her to back you up, she was only snickering. âwhat are you laughing at?â
âyou and your⌠delusion? obliviousness? lack of self awareness? take your fuckinâ pick, y/n,â tate replies, still giggling through her words. âi hate to burst whatever bubble this is, but mat isnât like that with everyone. super friendly, absolutely. but pennyâs right, you guys are constantly blurring that line.â
you can only respond with a frustrated huff. neither of them understood the position you were in right now, so you decided to throw out a hail mary and explain it one last time.
âlook. letâs say i did like mat-âwhich i am not saying i do,â you look pointedly at tate before she can interrupt you. âbut letâs say i did. he has a fucking girlfriend. who i donât think particularly likes me for some reason. and, hey, letâs rule that out, too. letâs pretend he doesnât have a girlfriend. that wouldnât make any hypothetical feelings mutual! even if i did feel anything for him, that wouldnât immediately mean heâd feel them back! and letâs even fucking pretend he did feel something non-platonic towards me. letâs go that far into this hypothetical. i am not going there with a professional hockey player! i got a firsthand look at how they are when tate was going out with cole, and just from observing every other nhl guy literally ever. i am not going there. not after everything that happened with thomas. it took me too long to heal from that and i canât put myself through it all again, even for mathew fucking barzal. and above everything else, i donât want to ruin my friendship with him! i really love being his friend and i canât ruin that because of any hypothetical feelings.â
at the end of your monologue, you let out a long, strained exhale. youâre on the verge of tears and penny can tell immediately. without another word, she pulls you into a warm hug, your head resting comfortably on her shoulder. tate doesnât sandwich you, instead only holding your hand and rubbing her thumb back and forth against your knuckles.
âwhen did you realise?â penny asks, voice hushed and not needing to elaborate on her meaning. you knew she was asking when you first realised your feelings for mat.Â
âend of march, maybe? when i started going to games more. seeing him like that and we started to have debriefs after where heâd explain things to me and just⌠heâs so passionate and sweet and-ââ you cut yourself off, sniffling into pennyâs shoulder, feeling her squeeze your body extra tight.
ây/n⌠mat isnât like thomas. you know that, right?â tateâs tone is one that she might use with a wounded animal, soothing and gentle, not like before when sheâd been poking fun. âiâve run in the same circles for a while and heâs genuinely really great. heâs not like the other guys in the league. and heâd be so stupid to not feel the same way about you.â
you pull away from penelopeâs embrace, shaking your head frantically. âyou canât tell anyone. this fact cannot leave this circle. iâm serious. genevieve dislikes me enough already, and i canât risk her finding anything out.â
they both mumble agreements and promises but you remain skeptical. to ease your paranoia, you pull out your pinky for them to hook onto in a three-way pinky promise.
penny is the first to break the silence between the three of you. âwe wonât say anything to anyone. but, y/n, you deserve someone who treats you right. just remember that, okay? you never have to settle.â
when you all break your crossed pinkies, tate pushes you towards to bathroom, urging you to clean up your puffy face. pennyâs words stick with you while you rinse your face, focussing on your eyes. youâd been settling for quite some time now, especially with thomas. even mat had spoken up about your relationship. youâd barely known him for three months but youâd gotten so close so fast and he was constantly looking out for you. of course you developed feelings for him, especially after breaking up with thomas.
when you finally leave the bathroom, your nose is much less red and your eyes much less puffy. but, of course, the first person you bump into is mat.
âhey there, superstar. you doinâ okay?â he asks, and you canât even pretend to be surprised that he noticed something was wrong. mat has always been an attentive friend, with you and everyone else.
âno, yeah, all good! just adrenaline crashing. and processing the fact that iâm aging and all that. 22 feels lke the first real age, so,â you reply, stumbling over your words slightly.Â
âoh my god, y/n! you gotta chill, dude. youâre young.â
âyouâre only say that because youâre pushing thirty, old man.â you punctuate your teasing with a gentle shove on his shoulder and mat retaliates by shoving you back.Â
âtwenty-seven is not pushing thirty.â you only roll your eyes in response but when your eyes meet his again, theyâre full of concern. âyou sure youâre okay?â
mat very rarely renders you speechless, but heâs managed to do it twice in the same evening. you nod and then finally snap out of your trance. âyeah, iâm totally sure. all good.â
youâve barely finished speaking when mat pulls you into another hug, his arms wrapping around your shoulders again and his head resting on top of yours. a couple of seconds pass with the pair of you holding each other like that before anyone breaks the silence.
âwe should get back to the group,â you say into his chest. âi feel like iâve been away for ages.â you feel mat nod against your head but he doesnât let go just yet. he does eventually, and then he pulls you back into the room with the group where you force yourself to become immersed in the energy surrounding you, but canât help but miss the lingering feeling of matâs arms holding you up and his gaze on your face.
if people could know the story behind the song you were releasing tonight, this picture wouldâve been perfect to post. but the masses could never know. matâs girlfriend could never know. mat could never know. so you scroll past the picture and pick out some others. you choose one picture from that night, something subtle where only you would understand the relevance. just a picture of you on stage on your birthday.Â
you get a message in your groupchat with penny and tate, both having seen your interview. without even reading the message, you knew this was them teasing you for avoiding the whoâs the song about question.
when the clock strikes midnight, your post goes up, and you repost it to your story. youâre immediately tagged in numerous posts across all socials, and your friends start reposting the song to their socials. screenshots from the visualiser video start doing the rounds, and you retweet everything you see; fan reactions, excited tweets, first reviews. youâre about to put your phone down when you see a text come in. from mat.
your heart drops. why was he texting you? did you and your friends underestimate him, and heâd figured it out?Â
your heart rate steadies. even if he did figure it out, he didnât say anything. he texted you like usual, nothing out of the ordinary. once youâd calmed down, youâre able to let the giddiness over mat liking your song wash over you. you donât need his approval, but that doesnât mean you donât enjoy his praise.Â
you blush for only the empty room to see, heart soaring at his words.Â
you donât reply to his text, instead reacting to it with a heart. you couldnât explain why matâs praise meant so much to you, putting it down to valuing the opinion of the person youâre crushing on. you never classed yourself as somebody who craved the approval of anyone, especially not a man and especially not when it came to your career. but in a twisted, roundabout way, this song was a love letter to mat, and you found that his approval lit you up inside. as if he was seeing you, without actually seeing youâwithout you having to explicitly tell him anything.
not wanting to think too deeply about the situation, you close your text thread with mat and open twitter again. you post one last tweet for the night before shutting off your phone.
since the two of you first met, mat had considered you to be one of his favourite people and one of his closest friends. he cherished your detachment from the hockey world, and was immensely grateful to you for the fact that you cared about him as a person, rather than a hockey player; your friendship was with mat the regular guy, rather than mat barzal, star forward for the new york islanders.Â
that wasnât to say you didnât take an interest in his career, because you absolutely did. mat noticed the zero-to-one-hundred change that youâd made in terms of how much you cared about hockey. where before you were only a casual watcher because you were surrounded by it due to your friendship with tate, youâd now become an avid hockey enjoyer.Â
countless nights were spent on mat explaining different aspects of the game to you, sometimes over the phone while he was on a roadie, sometimes sat on your living room floor sharing a pizza that you spent almost an hour arguing over before mat caved and let you choose your preferred toppings. the two of you became inexplicably close; mat liked having you around because you kept him grounded. he found himself aching to be around you, in ways that he couldnât say he felt towards genevieve. genevieve who only cared about the stardom, the fame, the fancy dinners and rich company. genevieve who looked down her nose at you and how hard you worked and your closeness to mat.
sheâd had a problem with you since the first time mat introduced you both, at some kind of team dinner, though heâd forgotten the specifics. all he can remember is how well you got along with his team. how easily you integrated into a group of his favourite people because you truly took interest in them, in ways that he couldnât say genevieve ever did.Â
he remembers your warm smile and bright eyes and the ache in his chest when he introduced you to his people as his friend. he remembers how you lit up whenever someone asked about your career, always giddy to talk about your passion, excited to show his friends what you were working on. the pride he felt when his friends pulled him aside to express how much they liked you being there and how much light you brought to the group. the knife that cut him open when marc asked if you were single and if mat could âhook it upâ.
he tried to push it all aside. emotional cheating and genevieve aside, he couldnât risk ruining your friendship, not wanting to live in a world where you werenât in his life. he tried to ignore the fact that youâd accidentally become a package deal. y/n-and-mat rather than y/n and mat. not once had the guys or wags regarded genevieve in that way. so he didnât let himself risk your friendship. he took genevieve to italy in july during the off-season. he posted the pictures for the world to see, even though he secretly wished it was you.
the two of them flew back in to jfk so that mat could have a few daysâ rest before going back to vancouver for a couple of weeks. heâd asked bo to pick him but, unbeknownst to him, bo had asked holly to send you in his place. so there you were, waiting for mat when he walked out of the airport. he knew you could sense the distance between him and genevieve but he didnât let that linger. in fact, the second he saw you, all of the negativity around his relationship and the trip he had taken just faded into the distance. he was home and you were here with him, and nothing else mattered.
he immediately pulled you into the tightest hug, only to feel you laugh against his chest while he breathed you in. only after pulling away did he notice what you were wearing. he watched you give genevieve a quick and friendly hug before deciding to question you on the attire.
âwhy are you in all denim overalls at one in the morning?â he asked. his tone was teasing but in a way that was entirely transparent in his affection for you. he was tired and heâd missed you and there was zero chance of him being able to hide that right now.
âif you must know, mathew, penny and i were playing around with outfit options for upcoming projects. and trying to figure out vibes for tour,â you replied. your smartass tone always made him smile, shaking his head in amusement at your antics, admiring your sparky attitude so late at night.
âyou look good, y/n,â genevieve piped up, unexpected to you and mat. mat knew that you felt like genevieve wasnât too fond of you, so he also knew youâd be equally surprised by her compliment. not that you let your surprise show through.
âthanks, gen! i think maybe for a photoshoot for the ep? or maybe a tour outfit? i feel like i should have a feather boa and be on the way to a harry styles concert, but maybe thatâs what i love about it.âÂ
the smile literally does not leave your face, even at this time of night, even when you take genevieveâs bags and load them into your car. when you ask the plan, mat quickly tells you to drop genevieve off first, and then go to his place from there. he knew you well enough to know youâd interrogate him as soon as you dropped genevieve off, so he spent the journey concocting an answer to why he wasnât staying with his girlfriend tonight, whilst you and said girlfriend made idle conversation from the front of the car.
he couldnât make sense of why he felt reluctant to explain that him and genevieve were fighting and seemed pretty close to being on the outs. you were one of his closest friends and he didnât feel like he had to hide it from anyone else. when he thought into it a little deeper, he realised it was purely because he was scared of rejection. telling you that he and genevieve were potentially breaking up would mean he would have to give you some kind of reasoning, but the only reason he could give was that she was jealous of your closeness with him. and confessing that felt a little too close to confessing that maybe genevieve was right to have concerns, because somewhere along the way maybe his feelings for you did start to run a little deeper. and that felt a little too close to completely laying his heart on the line for you. telling you each of his late night thoughts and fantasies, about how the two of you could be perfect, about how he wanted to be the one waiting for you backstage after a show while you were the one waiting for him in the family room after a game.
and confessing all of that felt a little too close to potential rejection. because in what world would someone like you go for him. you were the most beautiful, genuine person mat had ever had the pleasure of meeting, and just your friendship was priviledge enough. he couldnât risk ruining that, regardless of how perfect it could be. regardless of the fact that sometimes he felt your eyes on him, too, the same way his would linger on you. or the way youâd hold his arm when you laughed, with your eyes crinkling a little extra from the pure joy that he put there. mat wanted to put that look in your eye for the rest of your life, and he wouldnât be able to do that anymore if he told you about all his strange, complicated feelings only to be followed up by you rejecting him.
so he made an internal plan that when youâd ask about why him and genevieve werenât going home together, heâd tell youââ
âmat!âÂ
your voice snapped him out of his daze and his head popped up to lock eyes with you giving him the most puzzled look. genevieve had already gotten out of your car and was waiting for him to at least say goodbye to her, but mat was none the wiser. all he could see was you, looking at him like he was a complete idiot.
âgo and help your girlfriend with her luggage, mathew. i didnât think youâd need to be instructed, and iâd do it but iâm feeling tired.â
mat immediately got up and got out of the car, rounding it to grab genevieveâs suitcase from your trunk while you rolled your eyes at him. needing to make up for his shitty boyfriend behaviour, he walked genevieve up to her door and gave her a quick side hug and a gentle, but friendly, kiss on the side of her head. he watched her give you a polite wave goodbye before going disappearing through the front door, giving mat his cue to awkwardly jog back to your car where you were waiting for him and queueing up your joint playlist.
âwhat was all that about?â you asked him, so casually and offhandedly that it seemed like you were only asking to be nice. mat knew you better than to believe you werenât after any kind of gossip, even if your intentions were pure. you could be a good friend to him while also wanting him to indulge you with dirty details of his love life.
he started with a shrug, watching you shift into reverse and pull away from his girlfriendâs place. âlong travel day, i guess. sheâs got commitments this week and didnât want to deal with the boyfriend, or whatever.â
âright, i get that. but youâre heading back to vancouver for a while soon. you two didnât want to squeeze in some more time together before you go?â you ask, and mat can sense your genuine concern and curiosity. this wasnât idle chatter to get information out of himâ you could tell something was wrong, and mat hated seeing that furrow in your brow, so he had to scramble. and somehow also be convincing.
âcâmon, y/n, sheâs probably sick of me by now. she just spent an italian summer with the boyfriend and just wants girl-time before diving back into work.â his words were punctuated with as genuine of a laugh as he could muster, but he knew instantly you wouldnât be convinced. instead of laying it on even thicker, he just prayed you would sense his lack of enthusiasm and drop the subject of genevieve all together.
âfair enough,â you sighed. âiâd get sick of you, too, if i had to spend my hot girl summer with you. and at least this way, the two of us can hang out for a bit before you head out again, and i wonât feel bad for taking you away from your girlfriend.â
mat picked up on your comment straight away but decided not to make a big deal of it, instead choosing to go down his very standard route of teasing you to try and piss you off.
âaww, did someone miss me while i was in italy?â he asked, voice pitched a little higher in that teasing tone. and he fully expected you to reciprocate.Â
but you didnât.
âyou know i did,â you replied. completely serious.Â
mat tried to urge you to look across the console at him but you didnât dare, instead keeping your eyes locked on the nighttime roads while you drove him home, now basically in silence.
when you arrived at matâs, he invited you in but for one of the first times in forever, you refused. and without you there to distract him physically, matâs every thought that night was plagued by you. what your seriousness meant, why you didnât come inside, why you picked him up from the airport. and more than anything else, how much he wished it had been you in italy with him instead of genevieveâ how much he wished it was you with him every step of the way, every single day, instead of genevieve.
after that entire airport situation in july, and a lot of reflection while in vancouver in august, and a long phone conversation with genevieve, he finally decided it was time to call it quits on his relationship. mat had remained mature and cordial with genevieve while they discussed the situation, and he was as honest as he could be. genevieve was also extremely understanding on the whole, not trying to shame mat at any stage, even though he felt like she was entitled to.
respectful as they both were, genevieve didnât pass up the opportunity to call mat out on his bullshit.
âi know youâre into y/n. and i know youâve been into her,â sheâd said. mat didnât even try to deny it, because it was true, and apparently, it was obvious to everyone except you. genevieve didnât give him any advice, and she didnât lay into him. she just wished him good luck, with you and with the upcoming hockey season, and the two of them politely ended the call.Â
he decided not to tell you straight away. well, apparently, he hadnât decided when to tell you at all. because that phone call was in august and now here he was in september, still sitting on this piece of information, letting you believe he was still with genevieve.
in fact, he hadnât really told anyone except beau, who had immediately clocked him in the most embarrassing way. mat had barely gotten the words out before beau was asking him when heâd be asking you out, which led to mat giving his best friend a look of pure confusion because how did he figure it out? beau took one look at matâs expression and literally scoffed in his face.
âdid you think youâd be able to hide it from me of all people? and regardless of that youâre not exactly subtle. you have that picture of the two of you from her birthday fucking framed, barzy.â
and mat would be lying if he said he didnât blush at that. whether it was the concept of his crush not being as under the radar as he thought it was, or the way beau had been so cut and dry, mat wasnât sure. but there he stood, in front of his best friend, practically pleading with him to not out his feelings.
âwhy donât you want her to know? donât you want to see if it could go anywhere with her? sheâs got a soft spot for you of her own, barzy,â beau told him, trying to knock any kind of sense into his extremely stupid friend.Â
mat just shook his head in response, borderline frantically. âshe canât know, man. she doesnât feel the same way and i know that as a fact. sheâs got no interest in getting involved with a hockey player, and especially not me, of all people.â
he got an eye-roll back, but beau agreed to keep his secret. even if he knew mat was being an idiot.
the month following the release of your single came the whirlwind of ep release press. interviews, performances, photoshoots, and so much social media teasing. and it all lined up with the start of matâs 24/25 season. during the off-season, he was getting up to his own press and social obligations, so the last time youâd seen him in the flesh was that night at the airport. until today.Â
today was the first of many live shows, and your first ever one night only, where youâd be playing the new ep in full. a seven-song extended play, start to end, finished off with a couple of older songs and some of songs that didnât quite make it to the ep.Â
and youâd invited mat. knowing full well that three of those seven songs had been with him in mind.
youâd also invited genevieve, of course, not wanting to be an awful host to one of your closest friends, but he let you know that she wouldnât be attending. when you asked if everything was alright between them, heâd been evasive and avoidant, not giving any details and just brushing you off. you figured they were fighting, but didnât push for details.Â
instead of bringing genevieve, mat asked if he could bring a friend. in the time youâd known mat, you hadnât had a chance to properly meet anthony beauvillier, or tito as youâd heard from mat at least a hundred times a day. given how mat had always talked about him, you figured beau was matâs version of tate and penny, so he probably knew more than you did about the genevieve situation. so you welcomed mat to invite him, hoping this could be a gateway to getting to the bottom of what was going on with your best guy friend and his girlfriend, even if it wouldnât be immediately.
at times, mat was frustratingly privateânot all the way closed off, but heâd avoid the topic of his own feelings. the pair of you were birds of a feather in that way, so you could never really call him out on it. the only few times youâd tried, he looked at you with a raised eyebrow that accused you of blatant hypocrisy, forcing you to drop the subject entirely.
regardless, there were three songs on the ep that were directly inspired by him. three and a half if you squint, which your fans (and tate and penelope) absolutely would. you werenât nervous for him to hear most of them, but there was one exception. one song on the ep, that was very much inspired by him, that stood out like a sore thumb from the rest. maybe even from the rest of your entire discography.Â
it was experimental to your usual sound with its sensual nature and the most overtly sexual song you had ever written, making it a complete standout song on the ep and in your discography as a whole. partly based on real experiences, and partly taken straight from the fantasies youâve let yourself dream up on late nights when youâve let your mind wander. nights when youâd let yourself believe there was some kind of tension between you and mat; nights when his touch had lingered a little longer than usual, when you could feel his eyes on you a little more intensely. usually when genevieve hadnât been around. nights when you didnât mean to, but inevitably couldnât stop yourself from slipping your hand into your panties while the memory of one of your best friends played at the forefront of your desire-clouded mind.
only tate had heard the song, since youâd employed her as your dance instructor for your show, and even she hadnât put the pieces together. this song was one that nobody would suspect to be about mat, your best friends included, so you felt comfortable playing it for them to help with choreography.
as well as the music being different to the style youâd usually release, you had an idea for how you wanted to perform it that was so unlike your usual image. for one song only, youâd have a pole up on the stage with you. youâd been taking pole dancing classes for years, using them as your favourite core building exercise, and youâd had tate help you choreograph for the song specifically, as well as teach you some extra fun, extra sexy, tricks. having your best friend oversee your pole routine was the most amazing boost to your confidence, and you couldnât help but buzz with excitement to show off this whole other side of you to your fans.
and to mat.
âi want to thank each and every one of you for coming out here tonight for my first ever one night one! i have some very special people in the crowd tonight, who i am extremely grateful for,â you punctuate your words with a wave and a blown kiss towards your friends. âtonight, or any night, would not have been possible without my little support system and no matter how much i tell you guys i love you, it will never be enough.â
looking out into the crowd caused you to accidentally catch matâs eye, your gaze gravitating to him as it often did when the two of you were in the same space. he gave you just a quick wink and mouthed a subtle good luck to which you shook your head with a smile. a movement that was barely visible, but when your eyes shifted just slightly to tate and penny (and beau) you could tell that theyâd caught the interaction. you knew youâd get a grilling from your best friends later, but prayed youâd come up with some kind of explanation by that time. or, the more unlikely outcome, that theyâd get caught up in the show and completely forget to interrogate you.
mat had been to your live shows before, and you never failed to amaze him when you were on the stage, in your element. but something about you tonight left him particularly mesmerised. he tracked your every movement, watching you practically float across the stage, and he didnât know if he was hallucinating it but he couldâve sworn you locked eyes with him again when singing the line nothing makes me feel as good as being loved by you. as if you were talking directly to him in the middle of a song about the price of fame and glamour, a concept he had some understanding of.Â
he often found himself surprised at how much he could relate to the songs youâd written and released, which he would then chastise himself for because he found it so easy to relate to you as a person and compare experiences with being in the spotlight in your own fields. but he was truly impressed by how easily he could relate your music to his own lived experiences, and the songs from your new ep were no exception.Â
the next song was the single youâd released last month as the lead single of the ep, and it was one he wasnât ashamed to admit he played frequently in his car. he loved the song and he hadnât lied to you when he said it was so you. but watching you perform it live on stage made it so much more enjoyable, from your live vocals to the experience of watching you on stage. mat couldnât describe your stage presence during this song as anything other than a true representation of you. carefree and girly, and so full of emotion. you were literally jumping around on stage while singing, without compromising on your vocals which was aweâinspiring in itself. when it came to the bridge, you took a pause from jumping around and head-banging, instead dropping to your knees with a cameraman following your movement. there was a vent somewhere on the stage that was blowing your hair back in a way that looked so theatrical it had to have been planned that way.
matâs eyes followed you around the stage as if you were the only two people in the room, as if there wasnât a crowd full of people there to watch you, as if his best friend wasnât watching him make a fool of himself while watching you. but his attention on you paid off because when you sang out the final âthat could be me!â you looked right at him and this time it was you who winked at him.Â
heâd never tell anyone, except maybe tito, but in that moment, he knew how all the fangirls felt claiming their favourite singer had looked right at them.
and he realised in that moment that he no longer wanted to live in a world where he didnât have the privilege of your attention on him.Â
the transition to the next portion of the show almost gave mat whiplash. you werenât on stage for the beginning of the song, where a bass-heavy extended intro filled the space between songs. he kept trying to find you but instead was met with a light smoke filling the stage and when his eyes managed to refocus the first thing he spotted was a pole. he tried to act as nonchalant as possible, but every single person in the room knew what was about to come but only one person other than himself knew how it would affect him.Â
he felt beau lean over to murmur a quiet, âdid you know this was happening?â and instead of replying, mat only shook his head. beauâs expression morphed into something between sympathy and amusement, and it made mat want to smack him silly. he only refrained for your sake, not wanting to ruin your show.Â
by the time he managed to pull himself together and shake off the initial shock, you had come back onto the stage. the crowd erupted into screams and cheers, and even amidst his crisis mat felt so immensely proud of you and what you had created here in this room.Â
that feeling was quickly squashed and thrown aside when you started to move.
mat was not ashamed to admit that heâd been to his fair share of strip clubs in his time. heâd had a dance or two, and he didnât shy away from it. but this was an entirely different ballgame. he had never seen you move in this way, and now he had a front row seat. (not literally, but his attention was so tunnel visioned onto you that he may as well have.)
if you were mesmerising before, you were truly breathtaking now. as in, matâs chest was tight and he was having trouble breathing. you moved around the pole so effortlessly, contorting your body in ways that he had literally dreamt of, and doing it in a way that was graceful in its sensuality. the instrumental continued on as you moved around the freestanding pole, at one point turning completely upside down, and mat only realised he was holding his breath when you started to sing, signposting the end of your pole routine.Â
but matâs shock did not wear off, because this song was different. heâd never heard you make anything like it, though he knew you often listened to bass-heavy music with a sultry beat and sensual lyrics. he wouldnât have ever expected you to make something like this for one of your own projects, though.Â
the pole routine made sense as soon as he started to actually pay attention to the words coming out of the speakers. the lyrics had way surpassed sensual, skipping straight to filthy. he had to admit it: mat was turned on. he was also extremely jealous of whoever had inspired you to make a song like this, feeling a very ironic that could be me moment of his own. but his jealousy was overpowered by the raw lust coursing through him while he watched you.
this time, when beau leaned over to him, he didnât notice. mat didnât even notice beau's âoh, youâre fucked, dude,â because he was so enraptured by you. he started to feel hot under his collar and ran his hands through his hair a few times, a common stress-induced habit for him that didnât go unnoticed by beau, who snickered at the sight.Â
though your pole routine had stopped, your dancing hadnât. it became abundantly clear that this full song had planned out choreography, and mat was torn between being desperate for it to stop and wanting it to go on forever. and a third, ugly feeling of fleeting regret. regret that he hadnât told you about the breakup with genevieve; regret that he hadnât taken titoâs advice and asked you out when he had the chance; regret that someone other than himself was inspiring a song like this from you, and all he could do was stand back and watch.Â
when the song finished, it was clear that you were slightly out of breath, and completely understandably. but then, mat watched you literally light up as every single person in the room started to scream and cheer, with some even whistling. he watched a proud glow beam over you, taking over the nerves you must have been feeling.
âthank you, guys!â you spoke into the mic, breathless and giggly, in a way that made matâs heart ache. âand thank you to my best friend, tate!â
mat watched as penny hugged tate by her neck, and even beau shook her by the shoulders, enthusiastic and full of joy. mat just made a mental note to do something really good for her. heâd think properly about what it would be when his every thought wasnât consumed with you.
âas much as i want to say letâs party, weâre about to switch it up and get real depressing in here for a second,â you speak into the mic. a chair and guitar are brought out for you, replacing the pole set up, and you slip on a big hoodie to get comfortable before sitting down.Â
âi wrote this song after an event that i hate to say ripped me apart, but itâs about a feeling that you are never alone in, even if you feel like you are.â
the rest of the show goes on without a hitch. you get vulnerable, you party, you cry on stage, you frolic around and laugh. it was as close to perfect as you couldâve asked for, and especially once the most nerve-wracking part was over. you were anxious to get any kind of feedback on skin and your pole routine, but instead of dwelling on it, you threw yourself into the rest of the show.
after playing through the ep in full, you went back through your biggest and fan favourite songs, tearing up as the theatre full of people sang your lyrics back to you. when the show was over and you bid your goodbyes to your audience, you made your way backstage, back to your dressing room.Â
you quickly gulped down a bottle of water, not as cold as you wouldâve wanted but much easier to chug down, before being startled by a knock on the door.Â
âwho is it?â you called, not waiting for a response before walking to the door. you opened it to reveal none other than mat.Â
you were hit with an instant sense of deja vu that you tried to tamp down, memories of your birthday show lingering in the back of your mind.
âhey!â you greet him, a little breathless, and so desperately trying to act casual, especially after the show you had just put on to the sexiest song youâd ever made, which was written about the man in front of you. âjust you? whereâs everyone else?â
there were rarely awkward moments between you and mat; the two of you had a very effortless and affectionate friendship that didnât leave room for awkward. but right now? you could cut the tension with a spoon. all physical affection was out the window and, suddenly, you felt guilty for being the one to cause the tension.Â
âtito had to find the bathroom. tate got stopped to speak to someone, and penny stayed with her. so just me for now.â matâs voice was slightly strained while he spoke. he gave you a very slow once over, making you feel conscious in the wake of his gaze. but his next statement calmed your worries almost instantly.
âyou were phenomenal, superstar,â he told you, earnest and tone so full of awe. âlike, actually so insane. iâve never seen anything like it. you were made for the stage, y/n. thereâs nowhere else you should be. and nobody is doing it like you.â
you flush so warm under his compliment, almost tearing up again. truthfully, youâd been most nervous for mat to see the show and experience the ep, for reasons you couldnât fully explain. you simply put it down to almost half of the songs being inspired by him in some way, so in a roundabout way you were eager for his approval. not that you had anything to worry about.Â
and his words had eased some of the tension in the room. he finally all but barged in through the door and pulled you into a hug, murmuring a rasped, âcongratulations, stargirlâ against your hair. and your âthanks, mattyâ was muffled by his chest.
the others quickly made their way to your dressing room, with tate and penny showing beau the way, and they found the pair of you still locked in a tight hug. you finally broke apart at the sound of someone clearing their throat, only for you to be instantly engulfed in a tight squeeze by tate and penny. you heard some murmuring between mat and beau but you didnât pay it any mind, focussing only on your two best friends.
âwhat was that about?â penny mouthed when the three of you separated. you shook your head in response, quickly mouthing later back to her, not able to get into anything right now.Â
when you turn away from the pair of them, youâre met with mat and beau having some kind of silent eyes-only conversation. you interrupt their strange interaction to finally introduce yourself to beau, giving him an awkward little wave.
âsorry to break up⌠whatever this is! but itâs so good to finally meet you. mat literally does not shut up about you, like ever. itâs always beau this, beau that.â you hold out your hand with a cheeky smile. âiâd hug you, too, since iâm clearly a hugger, but iâm sweaty as fuck right now and wonât subject you to that.â
beau takes your hand, chuckling at your rambling. âyeah, ditto. our barzy here is always going on and on about you, like 24-fucking-7.â
you turn to mat and pump your eyebrows a couple of times, teasing him while he turns bright red. âyou both are so dramatic, this is why i was keeping you away from each other,â he adds, also teasing.
âoh, you knew weâd be too powerful together, huh? knew you wouldnât be able to handle it?â you joke, grateful for the easy conversation happening after the weird tension between you and mat just moments prior.Â
âyeah, something like that,â mat smiles, slightly coy in a way that youâve rarely seen in him.
you roll your eyes, keeping the mood light and playful, not dwelling on matâs expression. âso, anyway. the girls are coming to mine for a chill night because god knows i cannot do a full blown afterparty right now. do you both wanna join? just for, like, pizza and drinks and we usually watch friends or something.â
you pretend not to notice the looks you get from tate and penny, both of them realising that inviting the boys was your way of stalling the conversation that the three of you needed to have. instead, you put your focus on mat and beau, genuinely hoping theyâd say yes, purely just to hang out. this would be your way of celebrating the show and you wanted to do something laidback before the rush of halloween and your epâs release on november 1st.Â
lucky for you, they both agree, and the five of you head out. and doubly lucky for you, youâd brought your car to the venue, so you drove home alone. no interrogations from tate and penny, no more tension with mat. just you, alone in your car, reflecting on the night youâd had so far. a night that was far from over.
if you made it this far pls do leave me a cheeky comment or ask or anything to let me know thoughts feelings emotions bc this is SCARYYYYYYY ok love u bye
U abandoned poor mat barzal n ur seriesđĽ˛đĽ˛đĽ˛ wen will u return to that lovely
iâve been writing for it since getting back from my holiday ! but i put out a feeler a bit ago and got no response :( so i was feeling a bit meh about rushing to post anything
i also just have been so busy and the little things iâve written (that have been non-barzy) have been so quick and casual and thought dumpy
but !!!!! i do have plans to start posting stargirl !!!!! maybe on wednesday as a bday present <3333 iâm just nervous bc sheâs my baby :((((
until then !!!!! my requests are open pls send me something fun to write as a lil drabble <3333
tw daddy kink, bladder control, at work shenanigans ! 18+ mdni.
thinking ab softdom!jack and nurse!reader whoâs working the nightshift for the first time in forever and has lowkey forgotten how insane it can be at times so you simply havenât found time to pee! and jack notices you need to pee bc you always walk a little funny when your bladder is full (nobody can REALLY notice but he sees everything.)
when you finally get a sec youâre about to push open the bathroom door but he literally sneaks up behind you and blocks it with his huge ginormous sexy arm and smirks in the way he knows will get you to do whatever heâs asked, regardless of how insane or inappropriate it may be (especially at work)
so when he asks you in that sugary voice if you can hold it a little longer, obviously you cave.
âyou think you can hold off a little longer, sweet girl?â
âjack, i need to pee! iâve been holding it for hours and this is the first chance ive gotten!â
âi think youâve forgotten who i am, hm? being at work doesnât change that, does it?â
you melt at his tone because heâs not wrong! itâs just been some time since you and jack had worked together and your need to pee was throwing you off.
âdaddy,â you murmur, so shy and frantically looking around to make sure nobody heard you. âi really need to pee and i would appreciate it if youâd let me.â your murmur was slowly transitioning into a whine, and if you were home you mightâve started full on begging. but you shouldnât have to at work! still, you gave daddy your best puppy dog eyes and hope that it conveys the message of begging.
it does.
you can tell it does from the way jack smirks at you. you know exactly whatâs coming, and it isnât you getting your way.
âi think my baby can hold off a little longer. iâve seen you do it in the past. donât you wanna be a good girl for daddy?â
and thatâs all it takes. your knees almost buckle at his words but you are determined to go about your night. and you knew that if you really needed to go, you could just tell jack! or you could easily safeword out of this situation if it was really dire.
after a couple more hours of throwing yourself into your work, doing everything possible to avoid thinking about your bladder, you pull jack aside, grateful for a the quiet moment.
âi really need to go now, daddy,â you whisper. âplease, can i?â
jack beams at you asking permission like such a good girl! even at work! so, of course, he doesnât deny you.
and if he pushed you towards the disabled bathroom and followed you inside, thatâs nobody elseâs business.
thigh riding black tshirt camo pants combo jack abbot who comes home to u tired but ur needy and he wants to get u off
so he sits u on his thigh and lets u rut against him but he just sits back and lets u take over
until u get tired and frustrated and extra whiny so he holds onto ur hips in his huge hands and guides u back and forth
and just his touch on ur hips adds so much that u slip ur hands under his shirt (but not before complaining about him still wearing it) and u grab his huge shoulders and dig ur pretty nails into his skin to leave marks
now that heâs helping, u quickly get frantic and fall forward so ur chest to chest and your head is hiding in his neck and your teeth ever so gently graze his skin
jack knows exactly what youâre after and he chuckles in a way that isnât condescending but is so teasing and it makes u whine even more
and he just goes ânoooo baby take what u needâ because he knows u want to bite him
but instead of biting his neck, you almost rip his shirt to pull it aside and off his shoulder and sink ur teeth in the skin there, harder than u ever have and the combination of everything makes u cum harder than you shouldâve from just a thigh ride
and you feel so embarrassed by it! because oh my god thatâs all it took? you werenât even the one whoâd been bitten!
but when u look down and see jackâs blissed out face, u can finally feel that he also came
in his pants
because of you
and it makes u so happy that u could cry and u kiss him so hard and then smooch all over his smug fucking face
Hey! Super love your writing đ Just a quick heads up!
I noticed one of your fics is tagged 'Mike Ross x Reader' but it's actually Harvey x Reader.
Tags get messy sometimes! Would you mind fixing it when you have a sec? It'll help people find the right fics in the Mike tag đ
Thanks so much!
hi nonnie ! if iâm not mistaken, this is the request i got where reader is mikeâs sister, hence why i tagged it as mike ross x reader but i WILL go and change that <3 thank u lov u
tw daddy kink, bladder control, at work shenanigans ! 18+ mdni.
thinking ab softdom!jack and nurse!reader whoâs working the nightshift for the first time in forever and has lowkey forgotten how insane it can be at times so you simply havenât found time to pee! and jack notices you need to pee bc you always walk a little funny when your bladder is full (nobody can REALLY notice but he sees everything.)
when you finally get a sec youâre about to push open the bathroom door but he literally sneaks up behind you and blocks it with his huge ginormous sexy arm and smirks in the way he knows will get you to do whatever heâs asked, regardless of how insane or inappropriate it may be (especially at work)
so when he asks you in that sugary voice if you can hold it a little longer, obviously you cave.
âyou think you can hold off a little longer, sweet girl?â
âjack, i need to pee! iâve been holding it for hours and this is the first chance ive gotten!â
âi think youâve forgotten who i am, hm? being at work doesnât change that, does it?â
you melt at his tone because heâs not wrong! itâs just been some time since you and jack had worked together and your need to pee was throwing you off.
âdaddy,â you murmur, so shy and frantically looking around to make sure nobody heard you. âi really need to pee and i would appreciate it if youâd let me.â your murmur was slowly transitioning into a whine, and if you were home you mightâve started full on begging. but you shouldnât have to at work! still, you gave daddy your best puppy dog eyes and hope that it conveys the message of begging.
it does.
you can tell it does from the way jack smirks at you. you know exactly whatâs coming, and it isnât you getting your way.
âi think my baby can hold off a little longer. iâve seen you do it in the past. donât you wanna be a good girl for daddy?â
and thatâs all it takes. your knees almost buckle at his words but you are determined to go about your night. and you knew that if you really needed to go, you could just tell jack! or you could easily safeword out of this situation if it was really dire.
after a couple more hours of throwing yourself into your work, doing everything possible to avoid thinking about your bladder, you pull jack aside, grateful for a the quiet moment.
âi really need to go now, daddy,â you whisper. âplease, can i?â
jack beams at you asking permission like such a good girl! even at work! so, of course, he doesnât deny you.
and if he pushed you towards the disabled bathroom and followed you inside, thatâs nobody elseâs business.
