hell is too cold @spectvrs - Tumblr Blog

one day I woke up and realised all the waiting and yearning was actually me living my life and it’s happening right now and it’s still good even if it’s not perfect and there is no moment when all your dreams get fulfilled and everything makes sense. like… this is it. this is life. you’ll waste away your youth waiting for some imagined future if you don’t love life for what it is now and make the most of it

kitschens

Comic by @shhhitsfine

JUN Digital Single ‘PSYCHO’ Official Teaser 1

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good things fall apart // illenium & jon bellion

Commissions open

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Mo Ran!!!

#my best friend #mo ran #fanart

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book quotes but make it destiel → 7/? ↳ tamsyn muir, the locked tomb series

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CHOI MINHO x Marie Claire Korea (2022)

corvophobia

THIS SCENE WAS SO…………

#griddlehark art #ntn spoilers

vaguely-concerned

after some reflection I've reached the conclusion that to my mind nona the ninth did need to be its own book -- not in terms of delivering the plot or character developments, necessarily, but to be a thematic mirror to harrow the ninth in a way I don't think you could have done if this was also trying to do its job as the last book of a trilogy.

harrow the ninth is about the horror of nothing changing -- the grim, unending slog of mental illness, the inexorable method in madness grinding along, grinding you down, moment upon moment; it's about how grief can seem to create its own pockets of eternity. it's about how some things can only be remembered in forgetting.

nona the ninth is about the horror of everything changing all the time forever -- the people you love, until they aren't quite the people you loved any more, the places you love, until it's become somewhere you can never go back to, the world, every day -- you, until you die one way or another, in truth or in no longer recognizing yourself. you go to school for the hour of science and noodle every day, until one day you just don't anymore, and nothing can be done about that. nona is about 'life is too short, and love is too long', but also 'you can't take 'loved' away'. pyrrha, who's tried for ten thousand years to kill her feelings but "Don't worry, kiddie. I'll keep loving you -- my problem is I don't know how to stop." even when it just hurts us, we love. we just can't help ourselves. and at the end alecto remembers herself (itself?), which means forgetting nona.

the strange paradoxical comfort of madness vs. the unbearable loneliness of sanity. harrow is mad, and for all her suffering it keeps her from having to face the most inconceivable, the thing she can't live with: a universe without gideon. cam and pal are so so sane, and they can't bear it. they die to live in a way they can... uh, well, live with, and it's a crazy thing to do but it's the kindest thing they could find for themselves. the world of harrow the ninth is so dead and deadened, and the world of nona is so unbearably alive.

(ironically ntn was a much more difficult read for me than htn, because the way htn works is already so close to how my own mind works (yes, unfortunately, really. no, I'm not okay, but not in a way anyone can do anything about with any immediacy so let's ignore that for now lol). I understand the logic of it intimately, for all it looks confusing if you just see the surface. but the ongoing nature of the restless dread in ntn -- the way you love these people, and through the book they keep drifting away from you so steadily and gradually that you can't even put your finger on exactly when you really lost them as they were at the beginning. at the end, when pyrrha is carrying nona because she can't stand anymore (carrying her in 'the halo of her arms'...... god. yes, that is what a parent feels like for a child huh), I vicariously felt what I suspect is pyrrha's train of thought as well that like... what if you could just hold her close enough, love her hard enough, that she won't have to go, that she could get to live. what if you could just refuse to let go of her, what if you could be strong enough for that. and one person in this universe is that strong-- why would you let someone go -- away from you -- untouchable? John's obsession with being able to touch his loved ones, except he's so profoundly fucked up he doesn't understand any way to do it but to make them into extensions of himself, to consume them and transform them into himself, the very hungry caterpillar style -- he wanted to touch so he made them his hands, and he doesn't understand why it doesn't fulfil him. and thank god pyrrha has the soul and sense to understand why you can't just eat what you love, narrowly, but I still wanted her to be able to still hold nona and protect her from everything including death so fucking bad, and of course she can't. that's the tragedy of it, that's the beauty of it. love doesn't change anything, and we just can't help but love anyway, and it changes everything, and it's all we can do sometimes. fuck I'm going to need a lot of lying face down on the floor for a few hours to process this book huh lmao)

#im so sad #the locked tomb #ntn spoilers

frontlinebicepsoftheninth

now that i've finished nona the ninth and had a sleep, i think i realized it may actually be the saddest book in the locked tomb so far. because up until this point there's been one constant holding everything together and keeping us going when it got rough -

gideon's point of view. because the last two books were told from her perspective, she's been able to control the narrative. and when we lose that we are exposed to the hard truth of what's going on with gideon, and that truth is that she is fundamentally not doing well.

in her pov she cracks jokes through the hard times, holds it in and holds it together because she has to keep pushing on, not only for harrow's sake but her own. and we see gideon as the crown prince doing that too - if we got kiriona's pov i imagine we'd be getting the same amount of snarky internal dialogue to cover up what she was really feeling. but because nona can see right through her, we get to the truth, which is that gideon is truly, deeply sad, the saddest person in the whole universe.

and i think this is where some of the debate about kiriona (which i haven't really found tbh but i've been seeing stuff here and there) comes in, because yes - kiriona is gideon. she is what happens when, as i saw someone say, gideon gets everything she ever wanted and loses the one thing she always had, giving her nothing to live for anymore. but people seeing kiriona and going "who is that, that can't be gideon, what did they do to gideon" isn't a bad or problematic response, it's the entire point. we are supposed to be completely thrown by kiriona, she's supposed to be completely unrecognizable as our gideon because that is the writing mechanism that is supposed to shock us into understanding what gideon's been going through.

kiriona is what happens when an orphan from the ninth who always pushed forward to survive finds herself in a twisted but secure environment with a parental figure for the first time and doesn't know how to keep going. kiriona is who gideon thought she always wanted to be and she's the unhappiest she's ever been. harrow said she'd be undone without gideon but kiriona is the undoing of gideon nav.

#MY BABY #the locked tomb #ntn spoilers