words

personal blog so i can vent without people i know reading ♡ ♡

[speedingtrainofthoughts]

ready to skip to the part where i don’t care anymore

[speedingtrainofthoughts]

free falling through space

[speedingtrainofthoughts]

i’m coming to think of losing myself as a gift

back to go on the monopoly board

a factory reset

a chance to reinvent everything and risk nothing

bc there’s nothing to lose

when you’re already lost

[speedingtrainofthoughts]

i take back what i said

i do hate you

i hate the way you make me feel about myself

the way you keep twisting the knife further and you know what you’re doing

the way the life i thought we were building together is constantly being thrown in my face

the way i constantly doubt what was real and what wasn’t

the way i feel like i’m losing my mind over someone who broke my heart and doesn’t even care

the way all my friends hated you and i constantly made excuses

the way i’m embarrassed for how much i settled and i STILL miss you

the way you make me feel so small

i hate the part of myself i lost to you that isn’t coming back

you asked me why i feel embarrassed

it’s humiliating to tell someone you’re in love with them after half of a year of your life

showing the rawest most vulnerable part of yourself

expecting it to be one of the happiest moments imaginable

but instead feeling like the wind was taken out of you

and months later you still haven’t caught your breath

like that feeling when you wake up from a dream when you’re falling from the sky

and there’s no parachute

that’s how i feel

run into the ground

at rock bottom

[speedingtrainofthoughts]

i think i’m ok until i see you in my dreams and then the feeling starts fleeting again

[speedingtrainofthoughts]

just wanted you to love me

instead i was just a hobby

[speedingtrainofthoughts]

when is it my turn

to not be the one hurting

to feel like enough

[speedingtrainofthoughts]

i want to feel like enough

[speedingtrainofthoughts]

it’s okay to want to be desired

[speedingtrainofthoughts]

the intense and immeasurable pain of caring about someone

[speedingtrainofthoughts]

a used tissue sitting in the trash

a popped balloon stuck in a tree

a candle melted down to the bottom of the glass

that’s how i feel from this constant cycle

fun while it lasts but when it’s over almost like

i don’t exist

[speedingtrainofthoughts]

would my life feel more complete with love in it?

i start to take the walls down then right back up they go

i don’t know why i can’t shake the feeling

familiar but unfamiliar

like a lost photograph

i remember the outlines but not the faces

i wish i could see it in 20/20

i wish i could feel free

[speedingtrainofthoughts]

and so the pendulum swings, everything is awful

[speedingtrainofthoughts]

i want things to just be

is that too much to ask

[speedingtrainofthoughts]

everything has so much weight to it these days and it’s painful

[speedingtrainofthoughts]

i am my own person it’s so liberating

for the first time in a long time i truly feel bound to no one but me

i still love sex and attention but i owe nothing to anyone

my time and schedule are mine

my money is mine

i am me and that’s enough

[speedingtrainofthoughts]

sexting someone i have a ~fuckbuddy crush~ on while texting another super great guy i am going on a date with is opening pandora’s box