Bohemian✨🌻

[spektraelektra]

So this is it?

This sounded like an escape at the beginning. I've developed this urge to run away over the days. I saw someone come up with a term for this feeling (hkfhjn) does it help? One would ask. Do you feel better after running away? Does life feel a little bit more bearable Hell yeah it does! However, the feeling of liberation is sadly shortlived.

Blessed are the days I have seen my people and myself smile and laugh so unapologetically that the sun moon and stars stood absolutely no chance at glistering and glittery and warmth . Dark are the days I have failed terribly at attaching meaning to life, and music didn't seem to help as much. Sad are the days days felt like pain and nights didn't end.

Oddly enough, after learning that one day is as all days and that every day is as any day, and that in me is the power to change a good day into a bad one, this has been destructive but mostly it has been freeing. I now know that I could chose to control things from the internal and care a bit less about the external.

I have learnt my power.

After a quarter century, I have finally got it. I have understood that nothing really has to make any sense, and every day is as any day. One day is as all days.I have learnt to take things as they are and that nights are a beautiful thing too.

[spektraelektra]

I haven't felt those butterflies in a while now. My heart and mind have been so much at peace and I'm honestly so grateful and thankful♥️. I however miss being in love. That kind of love that makes you smile half a sentence through after having random beautiful thoughts of someone, the kind that makes you wanna buy gifts for someone because they mentioned it and you think it might make them happy and know that they're an important aspect of their being, that kind of love that makes you over romanticise every tiny bit of affection when alone you know? Yeah I do miss being in Love🤗.

[spektraelektra]

My therapist told me to write you a letter 💌.

She said if I did it would make me feel better..

But it wouldn't do shit even if I sent, coz you won't get it.. you're too damn selfish.

[spektraelektra]

No matter how many arguments we have, no matter how many fights and squabbles, knowing that we're still going to figure it out is the kind of safety I want.

[spektraelektra]

One Morning at a time over the course of a life ♥️

[spektraelektra]

My eyes are oddly watery as I type this...

A few moments ago, I was a bit disheartened by pondering around let-downs that happened not so long ago. Over the years I have managed to convince myself that nobody owes me anything (Purity might dispute) in fact I am in the fair share of debt. However, I have may have failed my stoic philosophers and friends recently by expecting people dear to my heart to do things such as honouring their promises or extending a hand to me. My bad. Sometimes am a bit foolish.

Nonetheless, my deliberate thoughts about those who've held my hand in times I needed it, are what's making me bawl. And while this might not be a perfect piece of writing, my heart wails silently as I Pray to God that those people never lack. People who shared their bread with me when bread is all they had.♥️ Those I reached out to and responded in however manner of kindness, with no ounce of judgement. And while I kneel down and mention as many people as I can to my God, Those people's names sometimes are mentioned twice.

[spektraelektra]

September

While on my daily stoicism guide I saw something that says,'one day is as all days', and guided by the 3 principles of stoichiometry, I now understand this.

[spektraelektra]

To Love and to Love Purely.

To Purely Love Purity🤗❤️

My geriatric best friend 😁❤️

There are so many Wonderful things I could jolt down about you today, but instead, I'll be raking you over the coals😂😂 isn't this how we show our love and affection ? Am still struggling with this new reality of you growing this old😩😂😂almost older than me😁 I have loved every version of you.

🥂 to the Amazing woman you have become. I am never getting tired of carrying our foolishness and sluggishness no matter how hurt my back gets. I hope you never get tired of carrying our awesomeness and friendship, you have the lighter load🤗. You're such an amazing person you know😩 . You're a blessing to me and to The world. Thank you for being Born. No, not you on the part for being Born😂😂 that I should thank your mother. When's s your mother's birthday?? Aii wait on her birthday I should thank her mother for giving birth to her then her for giving birth to you. Mtanionyesha mambo🙆🏿‍♂️

Anyway, I pray that your kindness rubs off of everyone who gets to experience you. It is My prayer that God fulfills all the desires of your heart, repays all your hard work, and gives you like 6 babies so I can fulfill my rich Aunty duties proper 🙏. Also, here's to squabbling over the dumbest of things 😂😂 and venting out over our poor taste in you know what 😂.

Happy Belated Birthday Pure❤️❤️❤️🎉 I Love You 😘😘😘😘❤️

[spektraelektra]

I know that life isn't all about romantic relationships, but a big part of me believes that Life is centred mostly around love and sometimes I can't stop but imagine myself finding someone who'll truly and purely love me without condition, a love I won't have to question or doubt, someone who'll pick me and continue chosing me and won't for a second imagine a life without me. Sometimes I just can't help but imagine.

[spektraelektra]

I crave a love that's undeniably Pure. A love I don't have to question or second guess, I crave being someone's priority I crave being heard and listened to without fear of judgement, gosh I crave passionate hugs😩, the one's you even hear the other person's heartbeat for like 30 minutes straight and there in that moment in time feeling like they're never going to let you go, I carve waking up to cute texts saying how much I mean to someone, I crave forehead kisses and beautiful compliments even when I don't feel beautiful at all. I crave someone holding my hand while watching the stars at night. I miss someone sending me songs and saying it reminded them of me. I want all this because I know am capable of loving the same in return 🥀

[spektraelektra]

What if these days never end? What if the fear of becoming the stagnated hopeless individuals we so have a fear of becoming becomes true? What if there are no better days?? What then?

[spektraelektra]

I just don't know. I don't think anyone except the one drinking from the same cup will truly ever understand why it is so difficult so difficult to feel really settled after being raised in an unstable home. 96%of the time almost 100 tabs of your brain are open and anxiety can just hit you up any second of any minute regardless of what you're doing. But maybe things get better yeah? Except for the part where you don't want kids in fear of turning into the people who raised you. That plus of course they're a whole lot of work I'd hate to imagine my parents turned out to be the mentally unstable people because of us. No, my dad was sick before he met my mom. And my Mom inturn developed toxic coping mechanisms from dealing with him. Then we came about and made it worse.

[spektraelektra]

I like it here😊.

[spektraelektra]

Maybe things will get better soon, maybe I'll find a love that will stay or maybe I won't but today, today I wanna feel loved and wanted and needed and I wanna be hugged for 20 minutes straight and given forehead kisses. That is all I want today!

And of course that won't happen. Haha

[spektraelektra]

What do you do when you don't see light at the end of the tunnel? What do you do when that little glimpse of hope starts diminishing? When that statement 'things will get better ' now sounds insulting? I need to know because I feel like am at the end of that tunnel and there's darkness out there, I don't know whether the wise thing is to remain in this tunnel where this sadness has begun to feel like home or go outside where the darkness is new and untouched.I need to know.

[spektraelektra]

While listening to Passenger - Home, I remembered something I read that gave me so much peace and my soul has felt freed since then. It was jolt along these lines; sometimes you'll break up with someone you were so emotionally attached to and will keep thinking to yourself of how you'll never love anyone else the way you loved them. During those countless breakdowns, the most important thing you oughta remember is that that it was your heart you used to love them and not theirs and your heart was there before that person came to your life, your feelings too.. but it doesn't mean that your heart goes away with them. You're a lover and that's a beautiful thing, it just means that your heart is capable of loving someone else you're totally capable of falling in love with so many people because that's just who you are. You still got Your Heart❤️🌼

[spektraelektra]

You might loose your mind trying to understand mine, but once you do darling..oh, once you do, You're gonna want to marry Me!