To infinity and beyond!

Spencer Lee Hudson. 18. Senior. Bella Nova High. Room 104.

[spencearooni-hudson]

Hm...

[marihudsonn]

No, were not. You know whether it was dad or you who made you stay, you still weren’t there, and we both know you wouldn’t have been there in time anyway. It was the most important time in all of our lives, and you weren’t there. Mom always liked you better, I didn’t even care but she did. She loved you so much, and you left. Things were never the same after that. I know that I’m a hypocrite, and I screw up a lot but you’ve done some really shitty things too okay. and I can’t do this anymore. This shit where we’re nice to each other for a week and then we have to throw something in each other’s faces again because sometimes I really hate you for that. So do me a favor and stop talking to me, ok.

[spencearooni-hudson]

So what? Then I wouldn't have been there in time. That wasn't my fault, Marilyn! Don't you understand? You think I didn't want to come and support everyone and everything? I wanted to be there! But you know, I guess that's what's different about me and you. You just assume that I'm the bad guy so you can blame this families downfall on me. Like it's my fault that everything sucked. I really hate it when you try to act like the innocent one and then do the same exact thing. Just because mom didn't love you as much as she loved me doesn't mean you have to be exactly like me. Go live your own fucking life, Marilyn. That's perfect, I can promise you I'll never talk to you again. 

[spencearooni-hudson]

Hm...

[marihudsonn]

Spencer, really? I knew this wouldn’t last. I knew we’d be nice to each other for a few days and then everything would go back to normal. Mom was the only good thing about this family.

[spencearooni-hudson]

Yeah, you're right. But now she's gone, so I guess we're not much of a family anymore, now are we?

[spencearooni-hudson]

Hm...

[marihudsonn]

Spence, please. I didn’t mean it like that. It’s dad…he made me think. Please…

[spencearooni-hudson]

So you believed Dad and just went with it. Thanks for believing in me, Marilyn.

[spencearooni-hudson]

Hm...

[marihudsonn]

I don’t know….I just thought. I thought you didn’t care. It just seemed like you didn’t want to come home…..I’m sorry.

[spencearooni-hudson]

Wow...

Thanks, Marilyn. I thought you knew me better than that.

[spencearooni-hudson]

Hm...

[marihudsonn]

W..what.

[spencearooni-hudson]

Do you really think I'm that bad of a brother?

[spencearooni-hudson]

Hm...

[marihudsonn]

Are you really going to play stupid? For not coming home last year when we all wanted you to.

[spencearooni-hudson]

Ril, Dad didn't let me come home. When he called me I grabbed my suit case. I wanted to come, I needed to come, but dad said no. Do you know how long I begged to come over. He just kept saying it was bad and it would be pointless to see mom like that. He was giving up hope. And then mom didn't even make it to the next day. I wanted to see her one last time. Hold her hand. Tell her I loved her. But I couldn't. Because dad wouldn't buy me a ticket to go out there. He told me to 'have fun with your friends'. 

[spencearooni-hudson]

Hm...

[marihudsonn]

Oh what…are you finally regretting it now?

[spencearooni-hudson]

Ril, what are you talking about? Regret what?

[spencearooni-hudson]

Hm...

[marihudsonn]

And why do you look so sad?

[spencearooni-hudson]

Last year... That was when Dad called me...

[spencearooni-hudson]

Hm...

[spencearooni-hudson]

It's the most miserable time of the year || Spencer and Lorraine

[lorraine-baker-blog]

Lorraine carefully watched Spencer pluck grass from the ground, her eyes never losing concentration. And as she starred at his movement, she thought. His question rattled through her brain. What makes you… You? Lorraine couldn’t think of an answer. She was strange, true. Her attempts at being fair to everyone didn’t always work, but she tried to be kind. But when she tried to figure out why she was like this, her answer was unclear. “I’m not too sure why I want to see everyone happy,” she said, her voice soft, “I suppose it’s because I remember what it was like to be unhappy. And I remember when no one cared. No one would try and cheer me up. And I just want people to be as happy as I am.” Lorraine looked up at him when she finished her sentence. It was true, though. That was her secret. Lorraine’s happiness didn’t come out of thin air. She fed off of other peoples emotions. She thrived on making others happy. And when she did, she found herself in a much better mood.

Though Spencer’s last worst struck a chord within her. And not a happy one. Although she was not upset with him for saying what he had, it hurt. Mainly because it was true. “I wasn’t always so happy… B-but I am happy now, I really am,” she promised, “I know it may not seem like it. And sometimes my smile may seem a bit forced, but I’m the happiest I have been in a long time.” That wasn’t a lie though. Lorraine may have had her bad days, but as of now, she was overly content. She had close friends for once. She had found people who accepted her. “I’m happy, okay?” Saying this made Lorraine feel somewhat guilty. Spencer poured his heart out to her, told her everything that had ever happened to him and she couldn’t find it in herself to open up to him. She wanted to, but there was a difference between wanting to explain things and actually doing it.

[spencearooni-hudson]

Spencer nodded. "I can never imagine you being unhappy. You have this vibe to you that just makes me want to smile. But I can tell that we were once. As sad as I was. When you've experienced it, been through everything, it makes it easier to see the people that are sad or were sad," he stopped talking. "I get it. There came a point where they just all gave up. They wouldn't even try, it was like you were a lost hope," he stated. He looked at Lorraine intently. "No you do seem happy. And I'm glad that you're happy, because you have true genuine happiness that not a lot of people can have. And yeah you might not live the perfect live. And you might not be all that everyone things you are. But even if they do know, they love you. And that's what is important. Finding people that love you," he finished his sentence. "I get that you're happy, Lorraine. You're happy now and that's all that matters. But if you don't mind me asking, what made you unhappy?" Spencer trusted the girl at this point. After telling her every single last detail of his life, he figured that he would learn hers with time. But he wanted to know. He was curious, and he wanted to see if he had a reason to feel such a strong connection to her.

[spencearooni-hudson]

Insanely creative title here || Mari and Spencer

[marihudsonn]

Mari just nodded, her eyes focused on the tv. “That’s cool.” she said. It was weird thinking back on how things used to be with their friends. They had their own little crew, and they felt like they would always be inseparable. If only they knew it wouldn’t take more than a few years for them all to be completely shut off from each other. Mari laughed, “Maybe we should burn it down then. She’ll finally get the hint she’s unwanted” she added, taking another sip of her hot chocolate. “Yeah, I think it’s perfect. I really do love it.” she said. “Really, who?” she asked curiously. It was weird how the girl could have two completely different ideas about her brother. On one hand, she figured he had way more friends than she ever would and that he seemed like a pretty popular guy around here. However, she also could never imagine him going Christmas shopping with anyone. Mari nodded, making sure she kept any information he gave her. The last time she had known what Spencer’s favorite color was was when it was rainbow when he was eight or nine. “Season. Um…I like fall. I don’t know why.” she answered. “What’s yours?”

[spencearooni-hudson]

“Some girl, Kelsi,” he said trailing off. “I just ran into her at the mall and she helped me figure out your present.” He shrugged. Spencer wasn’t one to go shopping, yet alone shopping with someone. But Kelsi helped him pick out the perfect gift for his sister. “Fall? And why’s that? Most people like it because all of the colors and the chill in the air. The fact that they finally have an excuse to wear a scarf,” he chuckle. “I would think you’d like winter or something. But fall is my favorite season too,” he admitted. “I like the fact that the trees change and apple cider,” he laughed. “Hm, what about your best friend here,” he asked curious to know. He wasn’t really sure who she had associated herself with here, or if she associated herself with anyone.”And your favorite band,” he said adding another random fact in there.

[spencearooni-hudson]

It's the most miserable time of the year || Spencer and Lorraine

[lorraine-baker-blog]

When Lorraine asked Spencer to explain what had him so down around the Holidays, never did she expect to hear a tale quite like this. While he spoke, she couldn’t tear her eyes away from his. When she looked in his eyes, she saw it all. The hurt, the pain. Everything she had felt at some point too, but intensified. Almost everything he said she could connect with and she felt the emotion and passion he felt. And as she listened and processed what he was saying, it all made sense. Everything. Why Mari was so cruel at times and pushed people away. Why Spencer seemed to lurk alone, never smiling, at least never giving a real smile. Why, although the two siblings were working on it, their relationship seemed strained. Lorraine’s eyes were opened to the entire situation. She wanted so badly to lean over and give the boy a big hug, the biggest he had ever received but she wasn’t sure if the moment called for it or he would even want that, especially now. “I know you probably don’t want to hear it and I’m sure you’ve heard it a billion times already. I know it doesn’t change the situation or make anything better but I’m sorry,” the girl said, her eyes wide, “Everything you have been through, everything you have seen and felt. I just can’t imagine it.” She shook her head. All the words that came out of Lorraine’s mouth were the phrases she hated most. After Rudy’s death, she heard them time and time again. Never did they make her feel better. But she knew that no one ever knew what to say in situations like these. They never knew what they should say or could say at the time. Lorraine had no idea how her apologies would make Spencer feel. They seemed mediocre but they were sincere. Though would he know? Lorraine looked down, “I want you to be happy, Spencer,” she said slowly before she look back up to him, “And not just fake, simple happiness. I want you to feel it. I want it to be real.”

Looking up at the leaves on the tree above them, Lorraine could feel leftover the tears in her eyes from his story. “Please don’t worry about it,” she said with a half smile, “I really wouldn’t expect anyone to remember me. I was shy. And quiet. But still just as weird.” Lorraine laughed at the thought of her old self. Placing the tips of her fingers at the inner corners of her eyes and giving a little squeeze to stop the tears, Lorraine smiled. “You’ve really got me choked up, Spencer,” she said as she felt his hand slip into hers, “We’ll be here for each other, alright? I promise, I’m here.” And she meant that promise. Spencer had quickly found a place for himself in Lorraine’s life. It was almost record time too. In a flash, or so it seemed, he had become one of her priorities. Laughing at his question, the girl found herself puzzled. “What makes me tick?” she said out loud, “You’re really asking me to figure that out. I don’t even know the answer to that myself,” she scoffed at herself.

[spencearooni-hudson]

Once more, Spencer was picking the grass from the ground. Now she knew. Lorraine was the only one in Spencer's life who had known everything. She knew things he wouldn't even bother telling his therapist. For the first time, he had let someone in. And not just a glimpse. He let her in all the way, and she was going to stay there for a while. He didn't want to keep her there though. He already felt such a strong connection with her, and he didn't want to lose that. But he also didn't want to lose her. He was teetering on the fact if he should shut her out already or keep her close. The fear of loss overwhelmed him; he was so scared something bad would happen. That's why he never risked anything to have a relationship with Ryan. He was scared that if she knew his real feelings, his true feelings she'd leave him. And his past didn't help any case. Spencer just nodded at her saying sorry. He had heard it over and over again. 'I'm sorry your mom passed.' 'Sorry Zac can't be with us any longer.' He got it. They felt bad for him, but each one of them didn't sound as sincere as Lorraine did in that moment. If you would've told Spencer this story during his freshman year he wouldn't believe it himself. How can someone's life have so much misfortune bestowed upon it? He listened to her speak, her words were soft and calming. No one had told Spencer they wanted to see him happy, not since the beginning. After a while people gave up on him and stopped trying. He nodded. "I want to feel it too," he said honestly. "For the longest time, I've wanted to be happy again, but I just don't know how to anymore," he told her honestly. 

Spencer tilted his head to one side. He nodded. "Yeah," he started to say, "what makes you… You?" he asked simply. "Everyone has a reason why they are the way they are," he said shrugging. "Like why you try to make everyone happy. Why you want them to smile. You have a reason why when asked how you were you slightly faltered when telling me you were happy," he pointed out. "Why you put on this great smile that seems so real, but is really just hiding the fact. Why it took until your senior year to really burst out of your shy quiet self. I'm sorry," he said in realization. "That was terribly rude of me," he admitted. "I just want to know you, Lorraine," he admitted honestly. 

[spencearooni-hudson]

It's the most miserable time of the year || Spencer and Lorraine

[lorraine-baker-blog]

As Lorraine listened to the boy, she admired that he did not put on a fake smile like she had in the past and make it look like everything was all hunky dory. She wouldn’t say he wore the glumness proudly, but he didn’t shove it away like she did. But Lorraine could feel her eyes narrow and her eyebrows scrunch together once Spencer began to speak of Christmas Eve. Never had she heard anyone complain about the holidays coming closer. A question was on the tip of her tongue, her brain was begging her to ask it. Though she wasn’t sure if the answer was one she wanted to hear. “Um… If you don’t mind me asking,” she began to speak softly, “Why do you hate the holidays so much? More specifically, Christmas Eve? I thought everyone loved the holidays. Especially Christmas Eve.” After Lorraine opened her mouth, she could taste the regret leaving her lips along with her words. But she wouldn’t let her face falter, she didn’t want to make Spencer uncomfortable so her face stayed straight.

Shaking her head, Lorraine smiled. “It’s always colder in New York,” she said, “I have had a many white Christmases but I know I won’t this year.” The grey overcast consumed her mind as she looked around. Spencer’s question about Lorraine’s arrival made her squirm a bit. No one ever asked her when she came here. They all assumed she was new. “Um, I’ve been going here since my freshman year,” Lorraine said quietly with a shrug, “But no one really knows that. I didn’t talk too much before.” 

[spencearooni-hudson]

Spencer bit his lip and looked up at her. "Well," he began to say softly. He began to twiddle his thumbs. "It's kind of a long story, so I hope you have time," he said making eye contact with her. "It all started Freshman year. I was here, at Bella Nova with my girl friend, Flora Benson. It was our first year here, but we had dated back home. About half way through the year, in January, my mom was diagnosed with cancer," he looked down. "I was stuck between my girl friend or going home for my best friend, my mom. Sometime in early February I found out that Flora had cheated on me with someone else," he paused, not liking the painful memory. "So I left Bella Nova and stayed with my mom. Miraculously she recovered. So that was good. I wasn't able to come back because of Flora I was scared. Until my best friend and I came up with a plan to take her down. So I made my infamous return to Bella Nova. I swept her off her feet and then I cheated on her to give her a taste of her own medicine. Initially I was just going to go back home with my family, but I fell in love. It's cliche and stupid," he said shaking his head. "But I fell in love with the one girl that I couldn't ever have, no matter what. Ryan Hale. With her upbeat attitude and her smile she never failed to amaze me. Make me fall for her more. But she was with Isaac, so I just stayed a friend," he trailed off. Taking a breath he started back again, "December rolled around and I had gotten a phone call from my dad. He told me that my mom's cancer came back. I talked to her one last time and she said she loved me very much. I was selfish though. I couldn't bare to see my mom in so much pain, so I stayed at Bella Nova," his breath was shaky. "Late night December 24th I was at the pool relaxing with my friends when I got a call from my dad and he said she was d-dead," a tear rolled down his cheek. "And I lost my best friend and my mom. I didn't believe it at first. I didn't want to. So I became depressed," he paused. "Do you mind if I keep going? I feel like this is a story that I can't finish," he asked her. After getting a short nod he picked back up.

"In January right before my birthday I got in a terrible car accident. I swear I died that night. And I sound like a crazy person, but I saw my mom all dressed in white. It was in a white room," he paused. "After the car crash I recovered and Marilyn started coming to the school. After a short while my best friend Zac came to visit us. I found out that him a Mar were dating and instead of being mature about it, I sent him back to Maine. Later the next day I got a phone call that his car had swerved off a bridge and he died. And that's when I hit rock bottom. I had truly lost everyone in my life that I had cared about so much. So I was depressed and I didn't want to be here anymore. I started cutting people off, staying quiet in class. Instead of being the funny outgoing Spencer, I had turned into someone I didn't even recognize. When I looked in the mirror, it was me, but I wasn't there. So it all came down to one night. I had written my letter and taken the pills. I was ready to die, but before I closed my eyes, I saw a picture of my family, and I regretted it." He paused making sure she was taking it all in. "But instead of seeing the white room with my mom in it, everything was black. Like I was stuck. So I was stuck in this blackness without any way out. Luckily my sister came and found me," he looked down. "No one really noticed that I had done this. So I tried to be happy Spencer again. But it just didn't work. And so now I'm here. Under this tree, sulking," he gave a sort of half chuckle. "And that's it. My life story in one short sitting," he said softly. 

Spencer gave her a look of disbelief when she said she had come Freshman year. "Oh. I didn't realize that you were here," he told her honestly. "I was wrapped up in all of my mess, but I'm sorry," taking another breath he grabbed her hand. "I'll be here for you now though," he told her honesty. He rubbed her hand. "So tell me about you?" he asked her trying to regain he composure. "What makes you tick?"

[spencearooni-hudson]

Insanely creative title here || Mari and Spencer

[marihudsonn]

“It probably is” she commented. Mari flipped through the channels and sure enough they found Will Ferrel dressed in a crazy green elf costume. “Is this peppermint?” she asked, grabbing the other drink. “That’s my favorite.” she said, realizing he probably didn’t know that and just picked up his favorite. The more she thought about it, the more she realized that they had grown so far apart that they didn’t know anything about each other anymore. It was very odd being that only a few years ago, the two could finish each other’s sentences. Mari shrugged, “Sounds good to me. I don’t want to go home either. Not now…after everything.” she said, looking away for a moment. This type of mood was odd for Mari. It wasn’t her usual anger, it was more weak and just sad. Mari tried to give him her best smile. “That sounds great.” she said sincerely. Mari chuckled, “That’s ok, I don’t think I got mom’s ability with a lot of things, cooking being one of them. But we can try…it should be interesting, as long as we don’t burn down my dorm.” Mari’s hand went to the chain around her neck, that hadn’t left since Spencer had given it to her a few weeks before. “Well…for someone who didn’t know anything, you picked out a pretty perfect gift. It’s just…perfect.” she said fiddling with the locket in her fingers. “I don’t know anything about you either. It sucks, but we can start over now. Forget about everything that’s happened in the past year.” she said, then glancing at the television for a few minutes. “Purple’s my favorite color.” she said quietly. 

[spencearooni-hudson]

Spencer looked at Mari slightly confused. Had it really been that long since they actually hung out with each other. "Yeah it is," he nodded. He raised his eyebrow, "really? I didn't know that. I just grabbed my favorite," he said shrugging. Once upon a time, Spence and Mari were inseparable. They spent every waking moment together with Zac, Mason, and Flora. A lot had changed actually. Flora and Mari used to be best friends, although no one would've guessed it now. Now, Spencer didn't even know who Mari hung out with. Or was she like him in the sense where he just cut people off and refused to make any new friends. He wasn't sure because her depression didn't spiral down as far as Spencer's did, so she could've been different. But Spencer had forgotten that the two of them were alike in many ways even though he didn't realize it all that much. Spencer chuckled at Mari's comment. "We could set it on fire, you might get a new roommate," he joked, nudging her side slightly. Spencer looked down, "I had someone help me pick it out," he told her. "But I came up with most of it," he told her honestly. "Really? You think it's perfect?" he said arching his eyebrow slightly. "Yeah forget about it," his voice trailed off at the suggestion. He had been trying to forget about it for the longest time, but it was so hard for him to do that. His eyes flicked to the TV for short moment until she started speaking again. "I like blue," he told her. "What about your favorite season?" he said asking random questions. Spencer didn't have the slightest clue what his sister liked anymore.

[spencearooni-hudson]

It's the most miserable time of the year || Spencer and Lorraine

[lorraine-baker-blog]

A jolt of happiness struck Lorraine when Spencer told her she didn’t need to leave. Although the two teenagers didn’t know each other well, Lorraine really didn’t want Spencer to dislike her. She wanted a friendship from him, to make him happy and see him smile. And honestly, she couldn’t put her finger on the reason why. Maybe she just liked him, or maybe she felt a connection. A smile stretched across her face as she answered him, “Ok!” she chirped, “I’ll stay.” Though her mood was much better than before, Lorraine did not want to rub her genuine joy in his face when she knew he was not as enthusiastic about life as she was, at least she had felt this way recently. That was the thing, she hadn’t always been this happy. “I’m great,” she said slowly, processing what would come out of her mouth, “I… I’m happy. It’s the holidays. Break is soon. What’s not to be happy about, right?” Lorraine loved times likes this, times when people could just sit together and talk. One on one. It never had to be anything too deep or heavy. Just simple chit-chatting would do. And Spencer made it easy to talk to. Sitting here under this tree, this was easy. This was calm.

Thinking back to last year, no one knew Lorraine. She went to the same school she did now. Walked the same hallways. A lot of the people she knew now she know of then. What was different? Had the young brunette changed that much? In her mind, she was still the same Lorraine. Quirky and kind. The only change is that she finally let that girl out. People saw who she was now. Not much had changed. The thought of staying stagnant if it was like this made Lorraine smile, although the smile was out of place in their conversation. In an attempt to mask it, she threw her head back, letting her hair hang low. “I like this weather,” she said smoothly, “it may be cold and murky but it really calms me, you know?”

[spencearooni-hudson]

Spencer examined her speak. At first she seemed happy. Her tone was so excited and joyful, but then when she started to talk about the holidays, her tone faltered. Not any regular person would be able to pick it out because she returned to her regular tone within a few seconds. This made Spence curious. "There are some things that can make the holiday not so 'merry'" he said putting quotations the merry. He brought his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. "Every day it get closer to the 24th and every day I feel worse and worse," he told her. He wasn't sure if he wanted to tell Lorraine about his past. It would be a lot to bare for someone and no one knew the full story. But something was peaceful between them. It was calm and Spencer enjoyed the atmosphere between the two of them. 

Spencer nodded and gave her a short smile, "I like it too," he agreed with her. "But I grew up in Maine, so I guess it kind of reminds me of home," he told her. "How the clouds swirl to make different shades of gray," Spencer chuckled as his mind reverted to the book, 50 Shades of Grey and he couldn't stop laughing. When he finally regained himself he looked at Lorraine. "When did you first come to BN," he asked her because he thought she was new.

[spencearooni-hudson]

Insanely creative title here || Mari and Spencer

[marihudsonn]

Prior to last year, Mari treated Christmas like every other kid would. It was fun, and no matter what her family always seemed to be happy and together. However, after her mother passing on Christmas eve the girl wasn’t sure how to even try to be happy or fun or together. Last year, Christmas day was spent in complete shock. Now that the shock had settled, this was her first Christmas really without her mom. Mari couldn’t believe it had been a whole year, and thinking back on it she had changed so much. In one way, she was glad. Surely, she had matured and started to figure out what her priorities were in life. She tried not to take anything for granted anymore. However, in another way she was almost ashamed at herself. What once was a funny, quirky girl who most of the time had a smile on her face was now just as cold as the snow on the ground. 

After what happened with Hunter, Mari wished she could see her mom. She would know what to do, and how to react. That, and she would be able to comfort Mari better than anyone else could. As much as Mari loved her mom, the two never saw eye to eye. They were just two different people, whereas Lilly and Spencer always seemed to be thinking or feeling the same way. There were certain things about Mari that hadn’t changed. She had always been very audacious, and had a strong opinion about things. She was very impressionable, but her downfall of them all was her uncanny ability to be jealous. She would admit to anyone that she was always jealous of the relationship her brother had with their mom. It wasn’t to say the two women didn’t love each other, the bond just wasn’t as easily built like it was with Spencer. Knowing now that she has to get over it, Mari tried to put it all in the past.

Mari wasn’t expecting anyone, and she hoped it wasn’t something related to Flora because the less she had to deal with that girl the better off everyone was. Opening the door to Spencer, she made a face of slight surprise, but let him in right away. The siblings had fought and made up more times than you could imagine, but something about this time seemed so real. As if it finally clicked that they were all each other had, and they weren’t going to let everything build up until they exploded and crashed into each other anymore. “Hey” she muttered, closing the door behind him. “Yeah. There’s got to be some Christmas movies on or something” she said, throwing the remote on the couch before grabbing a blanket and falling back onto the couch again. It did seem a little weird to her, just because the two hadn’t done anything like this in a while, but she wasn’t going to question it. Mari was just glad she finally had her brother back.

[spencearooni-hudson]

"Do you think Elf is on? That always makes me laugh," he said with a soft smile. He set everything down and sitting down next to his sister. He couldn't tell if she was happy or sad to see him. Maybe it was a mix of both. "So I was thinking this Christmas we can just hang out here and watch movies and play games. Just things we used to do when we were together with a family," he sighed. "I just don't want to go back home to dad and the whore and Maxxie," he trailed off looking down. "I just want it to be us," he told her with a soft smile. He leaned forward and grabbed his drink taking a sip. "We could make Christmas cookies or attempt to make them. I'm horrible at cooking I did not get mom's ability," he chuckled. "I don't even know if you cook," he said honestly looking over at her. "I feel like I've missed out on so much your life. I had the hardest time picking out your Christmas present. I don't even know your favorite color," he told her honestly. "I actually really don't know anything about you." He let out a soft sigh.  

[spencearooni-hudson]

It's the most miserable time of the year || Spencer and Lorraine

[lorraine-baker-blog]

It was obvious that Spencer was a complex human being, Lorraine could easily sense it just by looking at him. His gloomy disposition and aloof attitude gave it all away. He had been the boy that earlier in the week she tried to bring a smile to is face, although, she wasn’t too sure if the whole puppy charade was a success. But she hoped it was.  ”Oh,” she said, she had been a little caught off guard by his question, “Just meandering around campus. I got bored of looking at my walls.” Lorraine watched carefully as he plucked grass off the ground, piece by piece. Not wanting the moment to get awkward, the girl continued to speak. “I just get bored of doing the same thing all the time,” she chattered, “I have to be moving, moving moving because well, you know I’m kind of hyper. So I wanted to go on a walk, see where I decided to go. I should probably be at the library studying but I saw you and I thought maybe I stop by and chat… And now I’m rambling,” she looked down and let out a short laugh and ran her hand through her hair. The likeliness that Spencer was listening was very slim and if he had been, she had sadly made the situation much more awkward than it already was. He obviously wanted to be alone.

Listening to his words, Lorraine just let out a sigh. The brunette didn’t give a real answer, just a nod  She didn’t know Spencer well, she had no idea what he had been through and why he was closed off. But then her mind switched to his sister, Mari. While her behavior was different than his, they both seemed to have a similar distaste when it came to interacting with others. “If you want to be alone I can…” Lorraine trailed off. There was no denying that they both felt a bit uneasy. 

[spencearooni-hudson]

Spencer shook his head, "No, no," he told her. "I don't mind you being here," his soft voice becoming softer. He really didn't. If it were anyone else he would tell them to go away. He looked up at her and took a breath. "So how are you," he tried to make conversation. His therapist always suggested that he try to make conversations with new people in an attempt to 'open up' or 'let them in' though it failed time after time. Spencer would get scared and cut them off before anyone had a chance to even really get to know him. The fear of loss overwhelmed him and made him cower inside. He really wanted to talk to Lorraine though. Maybe she could bring some sort of smile to his face. Spencer was supposed to be getting better. He was supposed to be progressing and smiling and laughing and returning to his old self again. The fun, flirty, loving Spencer that was friends with everyone. The one that could always make you smile no matter the situation. But he had some sort of wall built up, and he had built it so strong, not even he could break it down. And if he did, he feared his world would come caving in. So he left it untouched, unwilling to see past the bricks clouding his mind. And he wanted so badly to see. But he never tried to break out and find what was on the other side. 

It had been too long since he enjoyed the sun. Or the simple things in life. Like his sister, Mari, or his best friend, Ryan, he never spoke to anyone. He thought he was all alone in this world. No one could really see how he felt, or how he dealt with all the pain that was running through his body. He only wanted one chance to see what it was like on the other side. And maybe he could stay awhile. It would be nice to be on the other side of the wall for a change. Where the sun shined bright and the birds sang all day.