"Have you heard the legend about the guy who never forgave his best friend for telling the whole school about how he "cried like a baby" when they watched The Lion King together? How the story stuck and people were still calling him "cry baby" right up until college graduation?
How his juvenile plot for revenge became more detailed and extreme with each passing year? How he seduced his buddy's widowed mother, gradually took control of his life and trapped him in a world of bonnets, bibs, baby food and a ceaseless succession of dirty diapers with a chastity cage and padded fist-mittens locked on 24/7?
How he now relishes in spending all his free time (and every dollar of his former friend's inheritance) proudly proving to the whole world just who's the REAL big baby. How he mockingly takes on the guise of a doting daddy, fussing and cooing at full volume while changing his cringing, crinkly captive's pee-soaked Pampers in the most public and humiliating situations he can come up with? How he was somehow granted full power of attorney over his unwilling, waddling ward and gleefully changed his legal name to Cry Baby - a title which he most certainly lived up to when he heard the unwelcome news?
Come to think of it, I guess you wouldn't have heard that legend. It's mostly told at bars and restaurants that Mommy and Daddy visit after you've been tucked into your crib by the babysitter at 7pm, helplessly flooding your Huggies in your sleep while unconsciously snuggling with the giant stuffed Simba that you're required to keep with you at all times.
Besides, you don't need to hear a legend when you've lived it - isn't that right, poor little Cry Baby?"
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