finally gave in. went to see a really good therapist. went in thinking i was there just to talk about my day in order to get an adderall prescription. left realizing i’ve had ptsd and ADD my whole life without knowing and both the therapist and psychiatrist have no idea how i got as far as i have. the psychiatrist asked me to describe my childhood in one word. the first word to come to mind?
i can’t remember anything. i can count the good memories i can remember on one hand and the bad are endless. it was a blur. this all happened in 2 hours and i had never felt so exhausted and drained. i’ve been so compliant. i’ve sat through physical abuse, verbal abuse, i’ve sat through being left home alone in isolation for years as a child instead of my mother seeking behavioral treatment for me, and the first memory that comes to mind when i hear childhood is crying myself to sleep to the sound of my single widowed mother and abusive sister screaming and getting into verbal and physical fights over me
i’d go to bed trying to think of what made me this way. maybe my mom dropped me and forgot she did and i’ve got a brain injury. maybe there was lead in my tooth fillings and it damaged my brain and made me stupid. i even convinced myself at one point that i must be some kind of autistic.
i wanted nothing but for them to be happy. and to little child me making them happy meant removing myself, it meant me disappearing, so i minimized myself, i stayed quiet, i stayed in my room, i escaped to online gaming and drawing who i wished i was, and every time i was faced with scary screaming or fighting or being hit i remembered what my grandmother always said, “just grin and bear it”
so i did. “it’ll be over soon,” i thought. “just a little bit of this and i’ll be back to what i was doing before.”
i blinked and now i’m here.
and i’m hoping to god it will be over soon and i can become myself and not this minimized, contained, hesitant, paranoid version of myself.
kianamaiart
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jacobvanloon
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