Spilled Secrets

a secret blog to my love

[spilleds]

I have so much trouble sleeping without you

Without your warmth

Without your touch

Please come home

[spilleds]

i love you, even on my darkest days

[spilleds]

Winter has come and

with it comes her icy fingers

with her comes sadness

no sun, no warmth

even here, I feel it

I feel the depression creeping in

even as I push the door closed with all my might

her dark shadow sneaks in through the cracks, like a ghost

unable to contain

with Winter comes the cold

with Winter comes my frozen heart

the one that pushes people away, the one that seeks to be alone

I fight her, but it feels like a losing battle because

in the decades on trying,

I’ve never won

this time, I hope you’re there

I hope you stay by my side

and warm my icy toes and hands

my frozen heart

I hope my love for you is enough

even on the days when depression takes her hold

on my already frozen heart

please stay

[spilleds]

I want to give you all of me

But I get scared

Because I’m messy and dark sometimes

Sometimes I’m scars and trauma

Sometimes I’m the darkest days of my life

And there’s something so vulnerable of asking you to love me despite this

To love these parts of me

As much as my kindness and thoughtfulness

My love for others

My love for you

I’m not all rainbows and unicorns

And yes I know no one is

But sometimes I feel so uniquely fucked up

So unloveable

Like I’ve been in one too many car accidents and been left a mangled wreck

A recipe for hurt and hurting

Some days

I don’t know if I’m deserving of love

Because of all the hurt I’ve given, and received

I’m police stations at 10am on a random Thursday

And secrets spilled after one too many drinks

But I’m also the sun after a storm

And yet I feel like I am the storm at the same time

I’m a new kitten, loving one moment and biting the next

I’m hope and hopelessness

I want to be deserving of your love

And I try to be everyday

And every day I will pick you

But I worry sometimes that that’s not enough

[spilleds]

I can feel you pushing me away

And I’m so tired baby I’m so tired

My brain fights me too much for me to fight you

But I’m trying, I’m trying so hard to be here to love you

With the cold comes sadness

And with the sadness comes an incapability to live, to love fully

Please let me be here for you, let me love you the best I can

Because you are all I want

Let me love you

[spilleds]

The gentle touch of your fingertips across my body feels like magic

Your soft lips pressed against mine, moans slipping in between only to

Be caught in each other’s mouths

I haven’t felt the touch of a lover like you

With you, I feel safe, secure, loved, peaceful, at home

So many others have torn into my skin to leave their mark, to ensure I would never be able to forget them

they’ve used my body as a tool of pleasure,

Not one to be pleasured

I’ve heard my name is so many voices, I’ve started to forget that there’s any meaning at all

But with you,

Hearing my name slip from your lips sounds like a

Thousand I loves you in just one second

You hold my name so softly, like something to be worshiped

not be worshiped by

Hold me close, my dear

When the leafs change color

When the nights get long and dreary

When snow dusts the ground, like powered sugar on a pancake

When the flowers bloom once more

When the sun is too hot everywhere but the lake

And again and again and again and again

Until our hands know each other better than ourselves

Our bodies merge into one

Until I forget what it was like to not hold you

With grey and wrinkled hands

[spilleds]

Gilmore girls plays in the background, Rory and Lorelai float in the air like soft clouds of comfort

But all I can focus on is you

Your skin touching mine

My lips against your collarbone

Soft hands grasping at each other, trying to take in as much as we can

Trying to memorize each other’s bodies in a way that only young lovers do

I sleep better when you’re here I feel safe

Like Lorelai and Rory are with me to protect me

Like there’s no one around but us

Like in the entire galaxy there’s just you and me

[spilleds]

I write to remember, I write to remember, I write to remember

I chant to myself

Because that’s the only way I’ll remember long enough to get

Ink on paper

[spilleds]

Midnight, dog barking in the background

Your skin against mine

Your teeth finding a home in my body

Biting, touching, kissing

Soft lips pressed together, in a silent prayer

I love you

You say, or I say, or we both say

Do you feel my heart racing?

Your hand around my throat

My hand in your hair

And so many kisses I forget where you begin and I end

[spilleds]

you warm my bed and my heart