i fucking hate myself

@spillthetea-ventbee

64 posts

spillthetea-ventbee

hello no one and everyone i’ve gained weight a few months ago and it’s made me very insecure anyways if i go another 37 minutes i won’t have eaten a meal today (i ate a handful of takis but i don’t think it counts) and the thought of holding off so i don’t eat dinner until after midnight is making me a little excited.

seems kinda bad but idk my meds have been working for my depression and anxiety lately and lowkey i miss the rage of being unwell so hopefully this doesn’t spiral but also i don’t know if i really care if it does

spillthetea-ventbee

honestly and the wild thing is i’m hoping my bf won’t come home before midnight bc i don’t want a reason to have to eat

hello no one and everyone i’ve gained weight a few months ago and it’s made me very insecure anyways if i go another 37 minutes i won’t have eaten a meal today (i ate a handful of takis but i don’t think it counts) and the thought of holding off so i don’t eat dinner until after midnight is making me a little excited.

seems kinda bad but idk my meds have been working for my depression and anxiety lately and lowkey i miss the rage of being unwell so hopefully this doesn’t spiral but also i don’t know if i really care if it does

lol ! good vent this time but my bf and i are looking at apartments together and we may possibly now be looking at houses with his friend :) lowkey hoping we can find a house in the budget bc that would be so nice !!!

ALSO! this has caused me to stop going to work and stay in bed for three days and now i’m too scared to go back so i keep putting it off lol anyways i flipped out this morning bc i didn’t want to go and my dad kept trying to make me go but obvi he couldn’t bc he doesn’t know what it’s like to live with mental illness like this but anyways he told me to call the kaiser nurses to just talk about stuff but i hate talking on the phone and i don’t want to call the kaiser nurses so i’m venting on here 🤪

L M A O alec has apparently met the love of his life so we aren’t fucking anymore which sucks bc i am literally obsessed with him but not in an “i’m in love with you” way, just more of an “i need someone to obsess over bc i probably have bpd and i can’t imagine how boring life is when ur not thinking about someone 24/7″ also i’m mad horny i wish we could have fucked one last time before he and ashley became exclusive but oh well :|

LMAO back where we started 🤩

i lost my virginity !! finally !! however the boy who took it gave me herpes in the process 😎 and now i hate myself for being stupid enough to get an sti 😋 but i am still fucking the stupid man because i am also stupid 🥳 anyways idc about life anymore really lol probably going to attempt again 😬

hey y’all attempted again about five weeks ago except i took some muscle relaxants and combined them with weed which made me not be able to walk, so we went to the hospital! then the psych ward :) i’m more interested in living now i think, but you have to make it worthwhile

whoops i tried to kill myself last week and it didn’t work but i don’t think i’m going to tell my therapist because i’m not sure what to think about it 🤠 also i accidently wore jeans with rips really high up and you can see my cuts (which are scabbed and kinda healed) but like... yikes

spillthetea-ventbee

the reason that i’mnot going to kill myself until « the right time » is because i know that if i do it right now i’m going to call an ambulance or something which wouldn’t be horrible because i’d probably be sent to a mental hospital which i would honestly like to check myself into eight now but also i want to be serious about dying when i do it so that i actually die

spillthetea-ventbee

idk i saw this tiktok about how someone called 911 on themselves during an attempt and ever since then i’ve had this thought of taking a bunch of pills and then calling 911 telling them that i attempted and that i want to live so that i get help which is so fucked up and gross of me but i keep thinking about doing it because i want better help than i’m getting but i can’t mention it to my parents because they’ll 100% say no and idk like i do want to die but i also just want to voluntarily commit myself to a mental hospital so that i’ll get help

the reason that i’mnot going to kill myself until « the right time » is because i know that if i do it right now i’m going to call an ambulance or something which wouldn’t be horrible because i’d probably be sent to a mental hospital which i would honestly like to check myself into eight now but also i want to be serious about dying when i do it so that i actually die

laugh out loud at the fact that i’m going back to therapy because i posted a tiktok saying that i’m going to kill myself and my cousin saw and told my mom... like kinda glad but i also don’t want to put in the work to actually get better i just want a magical fix or for it to end lol but oh well i guess

every time i think i’m doing okay some little thing comes along and just fucks everything up

the worst part is that the question isn’t if i’m going to kill myself it’s when i’m going to kill myself

bruh i really self harmed last night i- why did i do that lmfao

bruh i really self harmed last night i- why did i do that lmfao

basically: my aunt is dying and i probably won’t get to see her before she does, my other aunt and cousin are moving away for good, i lost a bunch of friends, i’m never going to have a shot with my crush even though he’s in my league, and i don’t feel like i’ll ever be good enough or deserving enough of happiness

i think i figured it out... he’s a marvel fan so after i watch endgame i’m going to be like “hey you’re a marvel fan, have you watched endgame yet?” (which i’m pretty sure he has) so we can discuss and bond over marvel and then start talking and i can get his snap or insta and shoot my fucking shot

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