I don't know, it's just very weird to be approaching middle age and suddenly see the way that everyone expects you to feel about that, and realizing how limiting that is. like, this is hard to explain, but I feel like the American cultural thing where the ideal is being roughly between the ages of 16 and 21 or whatever, and then all of the rest of your life after that point is supposed to be spent trying desperately to retain some element of that, because it is just universally accepted that to age is shameful and bad, is so OFFENSIVE to me. like it is offensive to the nature of being a human, it is offensive to the nature of being an animal!!! we are animals who die!!!!! and if we are very lucky and we have 80 or 90 years of life, a lot of that time is going to be spent in developmental life phases that are not youth or young adulthood.
and I think that what I want to get out of being an alive person is to be able to fully experience the entirety of what being in alive person entails.
and being an alive person entails moving through time in a linear fashion and having our bodies break down and die. and as my father used to say when people gave him a hard time for getting old: it sure beats the alternative!
death is going to be there at the end no matter what.
I feel actively offended by society's insistence that I spend an enormous amount of my time and energy desperately trying to resist reality. how am I supposed to live fully if I'm doing that? I can't! you cannot live your life as an alive human being fully and deeply if you are being expected to be in constant denial of the reality of your existence as a mortal animal whose body changes and whose body exists outside of your own control. I think that we are being harmed by this. I think that this is a harmful action being perpetrated against us and I am so fucking serious about this.
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