And here’s a story about part of my journey. (Sorry, its long)
I’ve been debating posting about this for a while now. And then decided that I’ve read a lot of other people’s posts about similar things and found it really comforting to know that you aren’t alone. So hopefully someone reads this and feels the same.
I have struggled with serious anxiety and depression for a few years now. Its always been there really, just lingering in the background, but a couple of years ago it really came through. I started having severe panic attacks when I was out/at parties, ending in vomiting, shaking, hyperventilating, the whole package. Even when I didn’t feel ‘socially uncomfortable’, my body would just suddenly give up and go into fight or flight mode. Sometimes I wouldn’t even be able to go out for dinner with friends/family, even catching up for a coffee was ridiculously stressful.
So I stopped going to things. Any excuse I could conjure up to get out of having to go and see people. Anything so I wouldn’t have to endure another panic attack.
I was depressed. I wanted to go out, and have friends, and be exciting. What my friends all thinking every time I bailed out at the last minute? I started to worry that I was going to have no friends, that I was boring. I WAS boring.
All this time, months and months, I was asking doctors for anything they could give me to help. Stop my body from doing these crazy horrible things so I could just be normal.
‘You just have to think of the positive things.’
‘Just keep going out until you feel comfortable with it.’
‘Just remember that you have no reason to be worried.’
These are things that DOCTORS told me. Just deal with it. I was referred to a psychiatrist, who was helpful in explaining WHY humans have panic attacks, but was no use in helping me manage them. More of the ‘just think positive thoughts’ crap. I paid $90 a fortnight for stuff I could have read off a motivational poster. I gave up on seeking help.
The week before my wedding I had my hen’s high tea. Just a nice quiet afternoon, some nice food, nothing to worry about.
And there it was. My heart was pumping, my hands started to shake. I needed to get out. I had to leave my hen’s without saying goodbye or thank you to my ladies. That night I was an absolute wreck. How was I going to survive my WEDDING if I couldn’t even handle a high tea?!
This was it. I scoured around for a FEMALE doctor, one that was recommended to me by some friends. I went in and gave her the ultimatum. I needed a solution, and fast.
Straight away, she suggested some medication which would regulate my heart beat. This would then help with the shaking, the nausea, the dizziness, all things that stem from a racing heart. Not a SINGLE other doctor all this time had even thought to look at the physical side of it. What I had been experiencing was more of a panic disorder than anxiety. (The anxiety always came afterwards when I was safe at home and comprehensive enough to worry and get upset about what everyone was thinking about me. Something I’m still working on)
A few days later, I got through the wedding. No panic attacks. I danced all night, and felt so proud of myself. WHAT A RELIEF. I felt fantastic! Like I had conquered the world.
Almost a year later - this medication has been amazing. I only really need to take it now if I will be going out that evening or something stressful is coming up. I sometimes still have moments when I’m out where I’ll feel a little hot and nauseous but it never lasts long. And I still often leave functions early because I find it extremely draining being around lots of people. (More from the anxiety side. What do I say? Do I look as awkward as I feel? What do I usually do with my hands?)
I guess the moral of my story is... there IS an answer out there to help you get through your shit. KEEP TRYING until you find a solution.
Surround yourself with people that know how to help you get through difficult situations. The moment I decided to marry my husband was after a panic attack - a horrific one. He just knew exactly what to do to help me get through it and didn’t run away despite the absolute state I was in. He has been a huuuuge support through this whole experience and is always understanding and ready if I need to leave things at short notice. I am very very lucky.
Anyway. If you’re still reading, congratulations on making it through my novel. Have a lovely day, and keep smiling and looking out for each other <3 Together we will all get better. xx
yousharknotpass
romaincrisis
turnnoffyourmind
blakekathryn
