System Confessions

Queue: 4 Open to [most] confessions.

[system-confession-blog]

I saw an empty spot in the market, so I'm running a new System Confession blog. Updates biweekly (give or take).

RULES:

Have a spicy syscourse take? You can leave it here. But anyone on either side leaving submissions that are clearly angry/harrassing/etc will not be posted.

Confessions will be tagged "pro-endo" or "anti-endo" depending on the viewpoint of the submission. That is not indicative of the stance of this blog. Block them if you don't want to see either side.

Please use plaintext and refrain from making entire posts in all caps.

Triggers will, of course, be tagged. It would make my life a little easier if you put TWs at the top of an especially long post, though.

NSFW confessions are okay. However, in-detail talk of sexual acts will not be posted.

Mention or talk of SA, SH, or anything in that general area is allowed. However, in-detail descriptions of events will not be posted.

[system-confession-blog]

Honestly I keep pushing back the fact I got others who can help me, even been labeled as a persucutor in the past by them. Though now for the fact that my fucking fictionkin identity melted into my actual identity I gotta look back into it. I guess its a sub system or some shit?? I don't know terms but its definitely an inner world within an inner world that has like. 4 others related to that one fictionkin source.

Anyways, gonna look more into it i guess. All I remember was me kinda giving up when I realized that someone else could help during 14-15yrs old and they where infact not just memory boxes anymore, so i gotta be careful for that mindset.

Prob won't come back to this blog, wish I was just alone with this body. Good luck yall, live happy lives eat yummy food. Foods important after all, drink water btw this is your reminder.

[system-confession-blog]

Im not a system but what should I do if I want to block one member of a system but not the whole system itself? A system followed me but one of their alters are problematic. They use tags to tell which system is posting if that helps anything

[system-confession-blog]

Sometimes we wonder if there are any other socially anxious systems (or just systems in general) that would be interested in a matchmaker type of thing! It doesn’t necessarily have to be romantic either (though no objections if anyone would wanna use it for that) we just get scared of approaching or responding to completely unknown people sometimes and if anyone else feels the same way we might try to start something like that

[system-confession-blog]

I am a 20 year old system who hasn't told my partner this. He's in his late 50s and is super nice and super caring and stuff, its just absolutely a kinda sorta financial decision to be with him and he knows this. I have been with him for almost a year now and DO NOT feel comfortable enough to tell him about system stuff. He's seen me take my PTSD meds so he knows about that, but we're able to mask enough to play one person, you know? And also, its a sugar daddy/baby adjacent relationship so IDK if it matters as much.

I am submitting this to this blog because I wanna know if this is something other people have gone through? I figure it is, since a decent amount of systems have experianced SA and a lot of people who go through that end up seeking out SW or SW adjecent types of relationships as adults. Isn't it fucked up to have to lie to your significant other who you care about, even if part of the reason you care about them is so you don't die on the street? IDK, the gist is I do really love my partner, just he can NEVER know about all the shit in my head. He has noticed my memory loss and personality shifts but he wouldn't ever put it together and think I actually have some sort of dissociation related ptsd thing just because the general public doesn't relaly understnad these disorders. :( I just wish he would understand but I know he wouldn't.

[system-confession-blog]

Getting a diagnosis is hard :(

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I'm thinking of breaking up with my girlfriend in our partner system because she only messages me once every handful of months, which she promised not to do because that's what my ex did, and the last time I asked about her I got snapped at.

[system-confession-blog]

does any other system now struggle to speak their native language? our first language japanese. we grew up primarily speaking it with our family members. but when we were younger, we lost contact with most of our family, and we haven't properly spoken japanese in ten years. i barely remember it anymore, and i struggle with the basics. english has become the language i'm primarily fluent in. it makes me feel so ashamed, and i truly hope i'm not alone in this

[system-confession-blog]

generally if i see a system discord with "safe space" in its description (on tumblr, disboard or otherwise) i make a mental note to stay tf away from it because theres a very good chance its horribly insufferable and not actually a """""safe space"""""

[system-confession-blog]

i'm scared that i might not be endogenic. there's a lot of conflict among us and i do have strong reactions to stuff. i'm scared that if i ever got assessed, they'd tell me i had a CDD. i really don't want it to be true and partly i think i can deal with it myself. i've been working on accepting myself and making space for my parts.

as far as i know, i don't have dissociative amnesia but people keep saying "well, you can have amnesia about amnesia". i feel like my memory is fine. i do have the plurality thing. the guys don't really have names for the most part and i'm monoconscious. i don't think there's amnesiac barriers but sometimes it feels so real and vivid between them.

when i was a kid, nothing super bad happened. nothing extreme. but i know people have said autistic people can have lower threshholds. i was bullied and i did feel isolated. i still fawn to this day due to fear of social judgement. i don't have flashbacks but i can get into flight or fight.

just had to get that off my chest because it frightens me.

[system-confession-blog]

uughh its like. we have a relatively new split recently. and by all intents and purposes he is a darling. only meaningful complaint is probably him being a stim holder and his stims get pretty exhausting on the body (but its not like. physically harmful).

But what gets me is him being a fictive of a certain character that like. I *like* the character sure but its really embarrassing to me for him to be a fictive of that character!!! And its probably really unreasonable to be so mad at him for something that neither him nor i (host) could control. But i find myself pushing him out of front/just not letting him interact with my friends and not letting people know who he is.

And yes fictives are separate people! Theres so many ways in which hes not like source at all and I recognize him as different, even he does himself. But even still its so embarrassing knowing what he came from especially bc he likes his source media too and i force him not to talk about it.

I dunno. Any advice. Tell me to get over it or something?

- an overly concerned host

[system-confession-blog]

i hate other systems. i wish i didnt, but after so much noxious discourse it’s hard not to see other systems with anything other than raw exhaustion. i hate the over-validation that acts like every minor experience is actually plurality in a jacket. i hate the obsessive focus on “self-dxing is NEVER okay” and how much nuance it tries to ignore. i hate when systems act like being a system is so much better than being a singlet, but i also hate when they complain about other systems enjoying themselves. i hate systems who compare plurality to being queer. i hate systems who act like they’re better because they aren’t “cringe”. i hate systems who get to see their parts as built-in friends or family. i hate systems that have high amnesia and i hate systems that don’t. i hate all of you. i think i hate myself too

[system-confession-blog]

I hate the host's ex so much. I hate how it feels like we've been betrayed and left behind. I hate the fact that the host misses him and that I miss him.

Part of me doesn't want to hate him, but after everything that's happened, I don't think that's going to be possible.

[system-confession-blog]

I've made at least three separate blogs over the years that were just me anonymously having a mental breakdown in the syscourse or system tags. Not exactly proud of it but really I just needed someone to hear me who at least would halfway understand what I was saying, and that was the only place I could find it.

[system-confession-blog]

lowkey i might be a system but im going to ignore it for now

[system-confession-blog]

one of our alters is in a permanent state of panic/anxiety whenever they front/co front. its been like that for a few days, and we have too much stuff going on to figure out how to calm them down. is this normal?

[system-confession-blog]

Maybe too controversial of a take? IDK.

CW death threats, abuse, transIDs/radqueers

I hate, HATE the plural community. Both sides. Anti-endos and pro-endos both send each other fucking death threats and then pretend like they don't. The tags are horrendous. ⟨#endos fuck off⟩ ??? ⟨sysmeds fuck off⟩ ??? I hate it so much. People talking about forcing the other side to eat shards of glass.

Sure, both sides also have kind folks, and I really do appreciate them. But both communities make me feel like I can't be myself. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells a lot of the time. I feel like an asshole for saying this, because it obviously comes with being in a community of mentally ill people, but I feel like everyone is so sensitive. It feels infantilizing having to say "TW death" or "TW abuse". And then you have the freaks that jump out and say, "it's okay to make sex jokes around me!!! I'm ✨ hypersexual ✨" ... it makes me want to jump off a bridge.

I dislike having a Tumblr blog but I HAVE to have one to coin terms / make flags. I also have a bone to pick with the coining community, but it's not really on topic.

Sorry for the fucked up confession. I tried to keep it as simple as I can because it's much worse in my head.