he'd felt it coming for the better part of the week , but he always thought he was stronger than his episodes . episodes , like he had a seizure disorder or something . no , he had something vaguely more unpredictable . there was a time , decades ago , when he thought he could manage with a specific drug regimen . it had lasted for a while , but then something really changed . stu couldn't pinpoint what exactly had changed , but it hadn't started until after alexis had graduated high school . he never , not ever , did anything to hurt alexis or rosalina .
it started when he kept seeing billy in his reflection .
he had almost broken the mirror the first time it happened , but he didn't . he'd broken a mirror on a subsequent occasion , which had rewarded him with a slightly damaged tendon in his left hand . it wasn't anything so detrimental , but it did impact some of his ability to type . still , he put more effort into his make - up from that day forward . he only let martha && rosalinsa see his scars , although it was becoming clear that alexis could see something was wrong . she was always intelligent , && he'd never been able to keep anything from her for long . there were times when he had tried , but he always kept falling apart . stu knew that he needed more medication , needed stronger medication , but he wasn't sure what exactly he needed . martha had put him on anti-psychotics when he was younger , && they had helped . they had toned down stu's personality , evening him out && shaving down some of the rougher edges . the only downside was how it sucked his creativity . he wasn't about to let his livelihood be destroyed , no matter if it provided him the assistance that he really needed . he'd have to explain just enough to a doctor to even have them consider him for an anti-psychotic .
they'd propose something weaker .
they always proposed something weaker .
in any case , he'd have to explain that he's having nightmares about his dead best friend . he's having visions of that same man , standing next to him in the mirror , looking just as he did that night in stu's childhood home . just thinking of billy had something twisting in his stomach , something that he didn't want to understand . rationally , he knew that it was unrequited love . it wasn't something that he should deal with at that point , considering he was in a happy relationship with rosalina . still [ … ] there wasn't a way for him to forget billy . even if they'd never been able to go where stu wanted , he'd always keep a place for billy in his heart .
maybe that was the crux of everything .
he can't outrun his past if he's holding onto it .
the hands on his face bring him back , dragging him through the ever - thickening haze of his mind . he pulls himself back to rosalina , && it makes him feel drained in a way that he can't explain . he knows he's unarmed , knows it was nothing short of a miracle that he's still standing . “ water ? that [ … ] sounds really good . ” his voice didn't even sound like his , a broken sob escaping through slightly parted lips . “ i need help , ” he sobs , shoulders shaking . he's torn between curling in on himself && pushing rosalina back so he could get a little more distance . he bites his lip in some hope to keep the sobs to a minimum , but only succeeds in drawing blood .
“ can you help ? just [ … ] i don't know . i'm going crazy . well , crazier . ”
he needed to forget billy .