“Y Yo a ti, Cas.”
Cas tilts his head. “Why do you say it in Spanish?”
Dean looks away. “It’s easier to say it in a different language.”
“Well, I understand every human language, so I don’t mind.”
“It’s weird, though. Each time I try to say it in English… feels like my voice just gets taken away… Why can’t I just say it?”
“I suppose it is because you feel ashamed,” Cas says matter-of-factly. Dean looks at him in shock. “Oh, it’s not your fault. You were raised that way by your father and society.”
Dean is not satisfied with this. “Awesome. I’m 41 and my abusive fuck-up of a dad still has a hold on me.” In his frustration, Dean pushes away the blanket he and Cas had been covered with. From the noise, Miracle wakes up and looks at Dean in confusion. Cas pets him, saying, “Perhaps we can try to liberate you from this problem.”
“How? It’s like Chuck’s still there, silencing me, keeping me from saying what I wanna say!”
“Maybe by taking it slowly and without pressure?”
“I…” Cas looks at Dean encouragingly, expectantly. “I…l…-I need you.”
“Okay, that’s close.” Cas says, reflecting on it.
“It’s exhausting”, Dean says.
“Let’s take a break then and try again some other time.”
Over the next few days, Dean tries to say those three words. He can say it to Sam, who is confused after Dean says it, thinking he might be going to die again. To Jack, too, he can express this feeling, as Jack has become like a son to him. Dean also tries to say it to a mirror, but he already knew this wouldn’t work. Cas finds Dean looking at himself, anger in his eyes.
Dean’s face softens as he sees Cas in the mirror, standing behind him. “Hey Cas.”
“Expressing a feeling as strong as this is not easy,” Cas says with compassion. “In particular saying it to yourself after years of self-loathing.”
“Can you tell it to yourself?”, Dean asks his boyfriend who, as he knows only too well, struggles with very much the same issues of self-hatred. Of course, Dean thinks this is stupid of Cas. It is incomprehensible for Dean that Cas doesn’t see all the wonderful things in himself that, to Dean, are clearly there. That’s why he loves him, after all.
“I do try sometimes. But usually, no.” Cas is sad, Dean can tell, but tries not to show it. “But I can say it to you. Dean, I love you. For being exactly who you are. When I look at you…”, Cas smiles next to Dean in the mirror, “I see only positive things. Even your flaws… they make you who you are. And your mistakes were always for the right reasons. As long as you are Dean Winchester, you’ll always be beautiful. I love you, and so should you.”
Dean closes his eyes and breathes in sharply, trying to take in what the love of his life just told him. After a few breaths, he turns around and kisses Cas. After their lips part, their foreheads touching, Dean whispers, “You deserve to be told, Cas. You’re loved. I love you.” Both hunters are smiling wildly at this.
“You’re free now,” Cas assures him.
