Poem for day 1: falling of @spnpoetryrenaissance
Your hand is on my soul and I feel like I can’t know
you but really deep inside I think I truly do. Can’t look
in your eyes, can’t look in your eyes, I see reflections
of my yearning; can’t look in your eyes,
can’t look in your eyes, and see the way you see
me; can’t look past years of lies and believe
that it’s the truth. You say that you’re my friend,
you’ve given armies for my blood’s-sake; rebelled
against all you’d ever known just to keep me
safe. We brush, don’t touch, just pining from a distance;
don’t let you see, don’t let you see, don’t let you know
how much I feel. My heart’s racing when you look
my way, can’t show the way you make me
sway, and can’t say what I want to say, take it with me to the grave.
I searched for you, I killed for you, I’ve changed
for you and you for me. We fight for this, we fight for us,
we fight for l- can’t you just see? Don’t make me say it,
please oh please, it’s in my throat, stuck
in my teeth; it burns my tongue, salt to a demon,
I cock my gun, keep moving forward. Damnit, Cas,
why d’you make me feel things that I don’t think you know exist?
Angels can’t love, they lack equipment; not built for this,
just like me. Foot in the shoe, one more step forward,
just keep running from the secrets I keep. They stack
on my shoulders- not wings- more boulders, closed
lips…those lips…those eyes so fucking blue…
pull your shit together now Winchester,
can’t think that way, can’t think of how my hand just fits in yours-
and when we hug I get your smell- can’t think, just drive
into the night, don’t answer calls, just drink and fight
and fix my gun and wash my car, kill a monster, crash
a bar, don’t think, don’t think, just hunt and drink,
silver bullets, vampire teeth, things I know, things that’re real,
things that really don’t make me feel…like I’m falling,
slipping, crashing into something new…something
shaped just like…you. You son-of-a-bitch, what’s the big idea?
You fuck up again, thinking I’ll forgive ya? And just like that
I drive you away- say you won’t be back, it’s better
this way, but can’t you see? There’s no me without
you. Do I forgive you? Man, of course I do! You’re family,
you’re more- you’re everything to me. Just don’t be dead,
let me tell you, please. I want to, I need
to, it’s so hard, you see- but you say you know.
Does that mean you don’t care? Does it mean
you don’t want it, does it mean it’s not there- the thing
that I felt, that I’d hoped would come through- thought
I’d caught glimpse of a…thing like mine, just within
you. So I fight, and I dance, and I eat and I sleep.
And I don’t pray, though I want to, just to have you
with me. Hope flies away, and I settle for this- just you
beside me, not touching; distanced. Then we’re running-
we’re hiding- she’s got her hand on my heart- but
that’s not the thing that tore it apart. It’s what you said next,
that I’m good? That I’m love? That you love the whole world
not from the beginning but because you love me?
What the hell do I say? I know what I want to, but it takes
you away. It takes you, it took you, now I’m alone in hell.
I love you. ‘Course I love you.