jess and i want to thank each and every single one of you for being a part of this valentineâs day event! all the creations were absolutely beautiful and celebrating love in so many forms with all of you was so special! thank you all endlessly for all the hard work and gorgeous creations you all made! we love yall so much and we hope you all had as much fun participating in this event as we did hosting it!
without further ado, here is the masterlist of all the creations made for this gift exchange! <3
FICS
itâs real, love by @acklesology created for @angelscas
the darkest hour is just before dawn by @ersatzangel created for @callalilycas
Isnât It Strange? by @apathetichristmascracker created for @lotsofquestionslimitedanswers
batch made in heaven by @gardenforcas created for @jewishdeanwinchester
untitled deancas valentineâs exchange piece by @trekkitytracks created for @yourfinalbow
Sparkly Stripper Dust by @sooomynameisrebecca created for @jacobglaser
The Secret Ingredient by @bearcas created for @sheepstiel
Just Friends to the âI Love Youâsâ by @official-wayward-herondale created for @withclawsandsympathy
(un)attached by @one-more-offbeat-anthem created for @citruscas
four of swords by @sundryvillains created for @castiel
An Anniversary Surprise by @buckystiel created for @bebecas
Burnt Surprises by @metallicanatural created for @reblogging4thewin
neon prophecies and back alley hymns by @vyveriin created for @ersatzangel
No, You Canât Kiss the Angel by @proteus-no created for @icarusdeancas
The Only Cupid I Need by @cowboysdean created for @slytherinwax
more than you know by @castiel created for @wigglebox
Daffodils and Croissants by @callalilycas created for @cascats
Valentineâs Day Tradition by @lotsofquestionslimitedanswers created for @proteus-no
The Family He Chose by @giallos created for @crowwearingahat
Just to be with you by @theecelestialsodomite created for @softsophos
The Serpent and The Sphere by @endvverse created for @gardenforcas
Some Things Iâll Never Say by @arcticfox007 created for @official-wayward-herondale
dean needs a vacation by @bixlasagna created for @trekkitytracks
wasnât looking for this (but now youâre in my way) by @jewishdeanwinchester created for @soldiercastiel
Unexpected Valentine by @tchotchkecas created for @ne8ula
A Moment Like This by @marvolord created for @cowboysdean
nothing but horizon by @supersapphical created for @billiewena
Just to Prove the World Was Here by @withclawsandsympathy created for @vyveriin
Heavenly Connection by @magickastiel created for @apathetichristmascracker
Iâm the One Heâs Walking To by @reblogging4thewinâ created for @solarcasâ
Heavy in Your Arms by @bebecasâ created for @sundryvillainsâ
will you marry me? by @angelscasâ created for @acklesologyâ
Finally Found My Home by @soldiercastiel created for @bixlasagna
Tomato Takeover by @slytherinwax created for @bearcas
Turning Footnotes into Folklore by @yourfinalbow created for @shakespearenatural
GIFS
destiel fake!married comic by @xofemeraldstars created for @deanseyesâ
Simple as This (Jake Bugg) by @jacobglaser created for @greatcometcas
Heavenâs Gate (Fall Out Boy) by @becauseofthebowties for @one-more-offbeat-anthem
Sam Hallucinating Rowena by @lengthofropes created for @autisticandroids
unorthodox love languages by @ne8ula created for @buckystiel
SPNVALENTINES by @deanseyes created for @xofemeraldstars
The Priest, Fleabag by @greatcometcas created for @endvverse
dean & charlie by @deanncastiel created for @metallicanatural
ART
rearrange by @sheepstiel created for @castieldean
too much heart was always castielâs problem by @shakespearenatural created for @10x02
Dean letâs Cas watch over him by @comet-iviarini created for @gatodetrapo
Reunion Hug by @cascats created for @justcastiel
âHappy Anniversary, Sunshine!â by @wigglebox created for @tchotchkecas
deancasbenny in purgatory by @citruscas created for @lengthofropes
heart-shaped winged!cas comic by @solarcas created for @deanncastiel
I put a spell on you by @justcastiel created for @giallos
Dean and Cas Chilling Together by @gatodetrapo created for @arcticfox007
Happy that you made it by @crowwearingahat created for @sooomynameisrebecca
AMVS
you can see my heart is open by @autisticandroids created for @marvolord
first day of my life (bright eyes) by @10x02 created for @the-girl-with-the-algebra-book
heavy in your arms (florence and the machine) by @castieldean created for @comet-iviarini
dadstiel amv by @icarusdeancas created for @homodeclarationoflove
La Vida En Rosa (Cris Blanco) by @lovelybydecay created for @lllorona
Destiel + Origin of Love (Hedwig and the Angry Inch) by @billiewena created for @becauseofthebowties
hardest of hearts (florence + the machine) by @lllorona created for @magickastiel
i was made for lovinâ you (queen of japan) by @lovelybydecay created for @supersapphical
PLAYLISTS
Happy 1st Anniversary, Dean by @the-girl-with-the-algebra-book created for @heartcastiel
Retired Destiel by @theyaremarriedandinlove created for @lovelybydecay
POETRY
Deanâs Poem for Cas by @softsophos created for @theecelestialsodomite
EDITS
s4 destiel + the Smithsâ âHand in Gloveâ by @heartcastiel created for @theyaremarriedandinlove
OMG yes! Yes please! We do need a pinch hitter! We had only one person who never posted their gift (even though we have reached out to them and they havenât responded to our messages about posting their creation). If youâd be willing, we would absolutely to love have you pinch hit for the person who didnât get a gift on Valentines!
[ Turning Footnotes into Folklore ] -- An introspective Cas/Destiel fic
Castiel watched humanity as it grew with cautious curiosity. For thousands of years he witnessed their great tragedies alongside greater triumphs.
And then, he was tasked with saving the Righteous Man.
Castiel put the broken shell of a man back together, and was blinded by just how bright his soul shined.
That, he thought. Must be what stars are like.
For @acklesology and @fallingstarsdeancas's Valentine's Gift Exchange! This fic is for the awesome @shakespearenatural. I'm so so sorry I'm posting this late (it's nearly 10:30 for me ack), but I really hope you enjoy! Although not what I usually write, this was genuinely such a fun experience.
happy valentineâs day! this fic is my gift for the @spnvalentines gift exchange for my absolutely beautiful co-host @acklesology! ilysm jess, thank you for making this event so special!
also posted on ao3. word count: 3,664 (continued under the read more)
It had started out as something innocuous; a slip of the tongue that had Deanâs heart leaping in his chest. Theyâd just watched a rom-com movie together, Casâ legs brushing against Deanâs thighs and Deanâs head resting on Casâ shoulder.
This was still new for them. The whole âbeing togetherâ thing. Dean had only tentatively asked Cas for a movie night together a few weeks ago. Cas had said yes, easy and smooth as always. But it was more than that, and Dean wasnât quite sure how to put it into words; how to express that he didnât just want to watch a movie with Cas sitting on the other end of the couch. He wanted Cas pressed against his side, sharing popcorn and salty kisses as the movie played without either of them really paying attention because they were a little too distracted with each other.
âJust do it, Winchester. Do it!â
âNo. Thatâs not what I mean,â Dean had said, flickering his eyes down to Casâ lips for far too long for it to mean anything else. âMovie night. You know? Like a-â
âDate?â Cas asked, sucking in a breath of surprise as his own gaze darted down to Deanâs lips.
âYeah,â Dean breathed out, hope twisting with buckling fear in his chest.
Casâ eyes squeezed shut for a second, and Dean felt the panic constrict around his lungs. Wrong move. Wrong move. Abort. Right now. Taking a step back, Dean prepared himself to bolt. But Cas was quicker. Softer. Loosening the tightness of Deanâs lungs with something liquid hot and smooth.
âYes, please.â
Dean just about melted into the floor at the softness of Casâ tone. âYeah?â he asked, voice thick with unspoken desires.
âYeah,â Cas whispered back.
Movie date night was now every other night as they explored this new territory. And it was good. Really good. The simplest allowances made Dean breathless and dizzy. Brushing his hand against Casâ. Cas tucking himself against Deanâ side. Little stolen kisses between scenes.
Each time more adventurous. More kisses, more touches, a comfortable bond that was now widening to adjust from what they were before to what they becoming now; together.
But Dean only managed to get out the first couple words before Cas completely changed everything.
âWill you-â
âMarry you? Yes, of course,â Cas replied.
Dean stuttered to a stop, heart catapulting against his ribs. Oh God. Cas wanted to marry him? Oh. Oh.
âThat⊠wasnât what I was going to ask,â Dean said, breath seizing in his lungs.
But Cas was smiling at him, teasing and carefree, and Deanâs slow brain kicked back into gear as Casâ eyes darted to the credits rolling across the screen.
Oh.
The movie. Cas was quoting the movie.
Letting out a startled chuckle, Dean nudged his shoulder against Casâ. âHa ha, very funny,â Dean said, even though his heart was still racing; beating so loudly Dean swore Cas would be able to feel the rapid pulse in his wrist.
But now the thought was in his head. Words straight off of Casâ lips. A bubble of an idea that was sparking in his veins. Would he marry Cas? Would he get down on one knee on the beach at sunset and propose to Cas as the waves crashed on the shore and the sky was painted in romantic pink and orange hues?
Yeah. God yeah.
Heâd spend forever with Cas. Cas was it for him. There wasnât anyone else. It was Cas. It was always Cas. Heâd known that for a while now. Long before theyâd started this new thing between them.
Cas was still smiling at him, bright and earnest, and Dean wanted to kiss that smile. So he did. âIdiot,â Dean mumbled affectionately, feeling Casâ grin melt into his own.
But Dean had no idea. No idea that this was going to be the start of something that made him blissfully happy and yet yearning more than ever.
My gift for @sundryvillainsâ for the @spnvalentinesâ gift exchange âĄ
Gene gave me so many amazing prompts for potential creations, but I was immediately inspired to write a fic when they mentioned loving time travel. Also, when someone says, âjust wreck me. throw my body off a bridge. watch me float downstream,â that is 1000% a challenge I am going to accept.
So here it is, an extremely angsty / hurt with very little comfort time travel fic, in which s5 Cas gets thrown into the future while trying to send Sam and Dean into the past and ends up watching s13 Dean mourn him. Yes, itâs Valentineâs Day. Yes, itâs sad. But what is love without a little heartbreak?
Title inspired by the song of the same name by and Florence + the Machine, the lyrics of which are interspersed throughout.
Heavy in Your Arms
4.8k words
Preview below
Read on ao3
The ground rushes up to meet Castiel faster than he can brace himself against it. He lands face down in soft earth with a heavy thud. If he had any wind to be knocked out of him, heâs sure heâd be fighting to catch his breath.Â
He rolls over onto his backâhead spinning, body weakâand tries to make sense of the scene spreading up and out around him. A canopy of perennial trees slowly snaps into focus above him. The air is cool and crisp, not what he was expecting for springtime in Kansas. He must have overshot Lawrence by a few miles.Â
A sudden gust of wind whips through the trees, ruffling his hair around his face and filling his nose with the smell of pine and ocean salt.Â
Okay. Maybe he overshot Kansas by more than a few miles.Â
For @solarcas for @spnvalentines Happy ValenDestiVersary!
Cas invites Dean on a Valentine's Day walk. Even though Cas didn't put much stock in these kinds of holidays, Dean wondered: could this mean something? Little did he know, Cas had planned something special and sweet.
Read below or on AO3
âDo you want to go for a walk this evening?â Cas had asked Dean that day over lunch. âThe sun is supposed to start setting around six, and uh, thereâs a nice park nearby that I havenât been to in a while.â
âOh, a walk? Sure, Cas. Yeah.â Dean swallowed hard. âIâd like that.â Dean hadnât really known what to say, because of course the answer was yes. He just didnât know what to make of the invitation and didnât want to sound too enthusiastic and scare Cas away.
Cas was his best friend, afterall; had been for years. Even at times when theyâd gone separate ways, they always picked up where they left off; their bond never breaking. Theyâd been through so much together, and supported each other in the darker times. So why should Dean worry about a little walk?
Because it could change everything. Or, it could be nothing at all. Itâs not like theyâve never gone for a walk before. Dean with his hands in his pockets, folding and tearing at an old receipt in his coat, and Cas cracking a joke at his expense under the warm glow of the streetlights.
But this was Valentineâs day. Cas had practically asked Dean to be his Valentine.
Friends do things together on Valentineâs day too though.
A few years ago, Dean had gone on a Valentineâs day walk with Crowley, before their âsummer of love.â Dean had wondered at the time if that was supposed to be a date or not. Heâd kind of thought it was; but it became clear that Crowley had not really seen it that way (though heâd apparently been hopeful for a date, he hadnât considered the walk to be any more than a walk). That hadnât mattered in the end, since Dean ended up turning Crowley down (or, more accurately, pushing him down) once he saw how toxic their relationship had been, and gained some more self-respect. Crowley had mostly ghosted him after that. They sometimes worked together, but otherwise, they rarely talked.
But this time, it was Cas who asked him to go on a Valentineâs day walk. Cas.
Dean sighed wistfully. He knew he tended to read too far into things. This may just be wishful thinking. Afterall, as an angel, Cas didnât usually put much stock in cheezy, capitalistic human traditions. Cas didnât even mention Valentines when he asked Dean to walk with him. Maybe Cas hadnât even noticed that it was Valentineâs day. But, Valentineâs day does have a religious root - Saint Valentine. In addition to being a symbol of courting, St. Valentine was also the patron saint of beekeepers. Cas probably knew that. So he must know what day it is.
Shaking his head, Dean looked back down at the lorebooks in front of him and tried to focus.
-
Shutting the bunker door, Dean buttoned his coat as Cas simply adjusted his collar and scratched at the back of his neck, ruffling the back of his hair just a bit.
The last few rays of the setting sun illuminated Casâ features in a mesmerizing way. Dean closed his mouth and cleared his throat, collecting himself.
âShall we?â he said nonchalantly, gesturing towards the driveway.
The walk to the park was less than a mile; maybe even less than half a mile. Without Babyâs wheels rolling under him as a measurement, Dean wasnât exactly sure of the distance - just that the walk to get there was very short. They had only just told each other how the rest of their afternoons had went before he was suddenly faced with the manicured greenery.
As they ambled through the park, passing ducks and squirrels, flowers and trees, they talked about nothing and everything. From the dreams they'd been having lately to how the hardships they've faced have changed their worldviews - for better or worse.
They talked about the times that they had been afraid the other would not recover from curses, hexes, and other life-threatening supernatural ailments, and how they rediscovered faith in each other - in sickness and in health.
They talked about how trying to get by on nothing (Dean when he was growing up and Cas when he was Steve [gosh Dean was kicking himself for letting that topic come up and for being so ~~stupid~~ trusting of Gadreel in the first place]) made them appreciate Charlie's magic card and use it responsibly - for rich or for poor.
As they walked, the sun gradually made its way down until it had stretched its rays across the horizon by the time they reached the pond.
Under the shade of an old tree, they stood right next to each other in comfortable silence for a minute or two as they watched the sunset glow and fade in bursts of pink and yellow.
The soft sound of Cas clearing his throat broke the silence.
"Hey, Dean?"
"Yeah, Cas?"
âTodayâs the 14th.â
âYes. Yes it is.â Dean replied awkwardly.
Cas hesitated for a moment before continuing.
"This may be kind of silly, butâŠ" Cas started fumbling in his pockets. "I made this for you.".
He handed Dean a little heart-shaped card with a drawing of the two of them feeding ducks at the pond on it.
Dean took the card and stared at it silently for maybe a moment too long.
âI didnât mean to make you uncomfortable.â Cas said sheepishly.
âOh, no; Cas, itâs not that. I love it. I justâŠthis holiday. The pink, the red, the-â Dean snapped his fingers, fishing for the right words.
âAnatomically incorrect heart shapes.â Cas supplied.
âYes; exactly!â Dean turned towards Cas and took a breath, seemingly restraining himself from something. âI thoughtâŠ.I thought you didnât care about that stuff.â
âWell, not really.â Cas smiled. âBut you do.â
Now it was clear that Dean was holding back tears.
âOh, Dean.â Cas pulled Dean into a tight embrace. Dean rested his head on Casâ shoulder, and they stood there in each otherâs arms for a minute as the last bits of sunlight dipped below the horizon.
Dean slowly raised his head. He didnât want to break the moment, but he very much wanted to do this.
Their eyes met and Cas tilted his head slightly, but instead of a squint of confusion, his eyes were wide with wonder, and his lips were slightly parted in a soft gasp. Dean found what he was looking for in that expression, and so did Cas. They leaned in and met in the middle.
Under that tree, the seeds they had planted and nurtured finally bloomed into a lovely rose. The soft sweet petals of their lips eventually parted, but their arms were still wrapped around each other. They were both grinning, foreheads touching lightly.
âYou have no idea how long Iâve wanted to do that.â Dean finally said.
Cas chuckled. âI was about to say the same thing.â
âThen letâs do it again.â Deanâs eyes glinted mischievously.
âOh, I donât ever plan on stopping.â Cas leaned in and chased Deanâs mouth into another sweet yet intense kiss.
Yes, the holiday may be trite, but sometimes all it takes is an excuse to say something, to take the first leap of faith. Dean and Cas found faith in each other. The twinkling starlight reflected on the pond and filtered through the leaves of the tree as they kissed, and lit the path as they slowly made their way back to the bunker, hand in hand. They could take their time now, and they planned to take full advantage of that.
summary: Dean discovers Spotify and, more specifically, the playlists about him. And Cas.
complete, 4.5k, ao3
for @apathetichristmascracker for the @spnvalentines gift exchange!
-
Deanâs midway through cooking a greasy breakfast when Sam comes back from his run, sweating, grinning and talking very loudly on the phone.
â - dude, it totally suits you! Itâs amazing. I donât know how they managed it. ItâsâŠalmost biblical.â
Thereâs a rumbling crackle on the other end of the phone but Dean canât quite work out who it is.
Who the hell would Sam be calling dude at nine in the morning on a sunny Thursday? He supposes it could be another hunter. Sam is better at keeping in touch with people theyâve met on the road.
Wait, does Sam have a friend he doesnât know about? Huh. Look at the kid go.
Deanâs sitting down with his bacon, eggs and toast and just taking a swig of coffee by the time Sam hangs up the phone and plops down in the seat opposite him.
Dean waits, fork paused, to hear Samâs explanation.
He just glugs his green smoothie and sweats some more. âMan, itâs warm out there already today.â
âYeah.â Dean narrows his eyes, chewing his bacon with a clenched jaw.
âOh!â Sam takes an obnoxiously long drink before continuing. âCas said heâll be back this evening.â
âWhat?â
Sam blinks into the suddenly tense mood. He half waves his phone at him. âCas. Heâll be back today.â He meets Deanâs hard stare blankly. âWhat? Why are you glaring?â
âIâm not.â Dean says quickly, trying and failing to take the clipped tone out of his voice. âJustâŠdidnât think you and Cas hadâŠyou knowâŠbuddy calls.â
Sam snorts. âBuddy calls? What, you thought he only called you to check in?â
âNo.â Yes.
âSure.â Sam smirks as he wanders over to the sink to rinse his cup.
Dean huffs and shovels eggs into his mouth.
Itâs fine. He glares at Samâs stupid back. Itâs good. Sam and Cas should be friends. They are friends. Itâs great theyâve got their own phone calls to talk about stuff and thatâs absolutely nothing to do with -
âWhat were you talking about?â
âWhat?â Sam asks over his shoulder as he fills his water bottle.
Dean grits his teeth. âWhat were you and Cas talking about?â
âReally?â Sam gives him an incredulous look. âYouâve really got to know?â
âNo.â Dean shrugs but itâs too aggressive to be convincing. âDonât gotta tell me. Just wondering.â
âRight.â Sam smiles to himself. Smug little s - âDonât think youâd enjoy it anyway.â
If anything can lure Dean into being interested in something, itâs someone telling him he wouldnât like it. He is suddenly determined to make whatever Sam and Casâ joint interest his favourite thing ever. Heâll learn Latin if he has to. Heâll learn Enochian -
âWe were talking about music.â
âDude!â Dean explodes, almost sending his empty plate flying. âI love music! Why did ya think I wouldnât wanna talk about that?â
Sam sighs and turns to face him, looking amused and exasperated all at once.
âItâsâŠuh - â
âWhat?â
âItâs not just talking about random music. I kindaâŠfound something out a few weeks ago.â He eyes Dean cautiously. âYou wonât like it.â
âWonât like what?!â
âWell,â Sam begins overly dramatically. He wanders back to his seat at the table opposite Dean. âYou know how Chuck wrote those stories about us?â
Deanâs stomach churns. âYeah. Freaky.â
Sam winces, pulling his phone out. âYeah, I know. ButâŠI found this playlist on Spotify - â
âWhat?â
âMan, you have to start listening to music on something other than cassettes.â
âI listen to vinyl!â
âI mean digitally.â Sam glares over the top of his phone before showing it to Dean.
He peers at the screen, momentarily confused about what heâs seeing. Itâs a playlist - a long playlist judging by the run-time at the top of the screen. His eyes skim over the songs. A few artists jump out at him and he snorts. Lady Gaga, Fall Out Boy, Taylor Swift.
When Sam scrolls up he sees the title. âIâm unclean | sam winchesterâ
Deanâs smirk slips away and his blood runs cold.
âWhat the hell? Youâre telling me someone made that?â Dean goes from shocked to furious in 0.2 seconds. âAbout you? Being âuncleanâ? Thatâs such bullshit, man! Look, weâre gonna have to, likeâŠcall this stupid website. Whatâs their number? Iâll call them right now, get them to take it down. Loada shit - â
Sam just laughs. âYou want to call Spotify and get them to take a playlist down about me? Dude, itâs got 68 likes - itâs not exactly viral. Besides,â He looks down at his phone with a grin. âItâs a good playlist honestly.â
Dean pauses, midway through finding his own phone. âWhat? You actually like it? Sam, youâre not unclean - â
Sam laughs again. âNo, no. I know that. This playlist isnât saying thatâs what I am, Dean. Itâs about me as a person. Itâs about how I see myself. Itâs about me as a character in a story.â
âBut youâre not - â
âI know.â Samâs grinning, like heâs actually pleased about this horrible new development in their twisted lives. âBut to the people that read those books and make these playlists, I am a character. And itâs kinda cool to see how they see me through music.â
âYou mean thereâs more than one playlist?â
âDude, thereâs loads. Actually, thereâs uhâŠâ He almost giggles as he fiddles with his phone again. âI clicked on the account that made this playlist to see if they made one about you too - â
Dean perks up. âDid they?â
âNo, actually. But they did - ha - they made this one.â He holds up his phone again and Dean almost splinters the coffee cup in his hands.
âNothing Is Worth Losing You | Sastielâ
Samâs smirking. Dean isnât. âApparently, âsastielâ is a thing. Thatâs how me and Cas started talking about these playlists in the first place. I sent it to him âcause I thought heâd find it funny. There are some good songs on it too. Romantic ones - â
âBut that doesnât fit you and Cas.â Dean snaps.
âNo.â Sam puts his phone away again, a smug expression on his face. âBut itâs fun to listen to. And Iâve discovered loads of new music this way. Cas sent me a great playlist he found about him last night. Thatâs what we were talking about this morning.â
âRight.â Dean tries and fails to unclench his jaw.
âSo, yeah. Now you know.â Sam stands and stretches like a man who hasnât just tortured his brother. âIâm going for a shower. Maybe you should get on Spotify, Dean. Check out all the playlists about you.â
He glares so hard Sam actually winces. âPass. I donât need a bunch of mouth-breathing, âSupernaturalâ nerd fans to tell me what music to listen to, thank you very much.â
_
Dean has a Spotify account by lunch time.
He tried cleaning Baby, he tried watching Dr. Sexy, he tried doing a complete inventory of his weapons.
But those dumb playlist are all he can think about.
So by lunchtime, heâs given in. He lies on his belly on his bed, chomping on an excellent grilled cheese sandwich as he scrolls through his phone.
He searches his own name first, fingers slipping over the letters. The titles of the playlists throw him.
songs that dean winchester secretly listens to
Dean winchester and his daddy issues
Dean Winchester's emotional repression
repressed bi eldest daughter complex (derogatory) dean winchester
He tries to work that one out until his head hurts. He chooses the one just titled:
But the song immediately regains his interest as it starts. Thereâs a rowdy, backwater country feel to it that makes him soften to it. If this is how people see him, he can live with that. Hell, it sounds country enough to make him want to put his cowboy hat on.
âCame into this world - daddyâs little girl. And daddy made a soldier out of me.â
Ok, thatâsâŠDean swallows. Thatâs a little too on the nose. He quickly skips to the next track.
Springsteen. Dancing in the Dark. Thank god. He lets that one play, his foot jiggling along. He lets the beat carry him over the lyrics that try to suck him in like quicksand.
âI ainât nothing but tired. Man, Iâm just tired and bored with myself - â
The next few tracks make him feel cold. Heâs not sure what he expected, but he definitely hadnât thought the songs would be soâŠtragic. The melancholic opening bars of one called âSmotherâ makes him skip it almost immediately.
Song after song, he feels his grip on himself loosen.
Deanâs under no illusion about the hollowness in his chest, the aching void that is never sated no matter how many breakfasts he cooks with Sam, how many movies he watches with Cas, how many hour long chats he has with Jody.
Heâs greedy for attention, for affection. For love.
Heâs always been like it.
As a child, John would scoop him up and laugh as Dean clung to him, unwilling to let go. His tiny fingers would only loosen on his fatherâs shirt at the feel of his motherâs arms around him. Heâd cling on to her while she bustled around the house, face half-pressed into her blonde hair. She never seemed to mind, humming softly to both of them as she worked.
Then she was gone. And John stopped holding him.
Dean still remembers the first motel they stayed in after the fire. The faint smell of mildew in the air was overtaken by the choking scent of smoke from their clothes. Sammy slept propped against some pillows and John sat on the edge of the bed, staring at nothing. Dean thought it would make both of them feel better if they hugged.
Heâd only managed to get one little arm under Johnâs before he was being roughly pushed away. There was a darkness in his fatherâs eyes he had never seen before and the shock jolted him out of his desire for comfort.
He never tried again. He clung to Sammy instead. He was a baby so he couldnât push Dean away.
But Sammy got bigger and bigger and then left.
And the hollow void in his chest ached. So he distracted himself with hook-ups and hunts. That would work for a few days but then heâd find himself alone again and the space yawned wider.
He scrubs his hand over his face and pulls his headphones off. His eyes feel dry and tight, like he should be crying but he canât work out how.
He looks down at his phone and chuckles despite himself.
Ok. Maybe those Supernatural nerds know what theyâre doing.
Heâs about to give up for the day when he remembers the other playlist Sam showed him. âSastielâ. Deanâs trying not to think about why that sets his teeth on edge.
He clicks on the username of the person who made the playlist heâd been listening to. He scrolls through a few labelled things he doesnât recognise before he spots it.
Destiel
He can respect a simple title. He clicks on it and stares at the runtime: four hours and fifty seven minutes. Ok, this particular nerd obviously has quite a lot to say about âdestielâ.
Despite himself, he grins at the title of the first song. Angel With a Shotgun. He shoves his headphones back on, hits play and feels a swoop of excitement as the song rumbles on, upbeat and strong. Like Springsteen, he lets the rhythm carry him past the lyrics that should make him pause.
He really doesnât want to stop and think too hard on, âI donât care if heaven wonât take me back, Iâll throw away my faith to keep you safe. Donât you know youâre everything I have?â
Itâs not as if that has to be romantic, right? Pushing aside the fact this is a âdestielâ playlist, it could still be platonic. He kind of is everything Cas has. Or at least, he was. But now Cas is friends with Sam, and Mom and he keeps in touch with Claire.
And thatâs great. Dean forces himself to smile before realising heâs alone in his room so he doesnât have to. The aching gets stronger in his chest.
The next song comes on without him noticing.
Fast Car by Tracy Chapman.
He rolls over onto his back and listens. This oneâs...yeah. This oneâs good. The sense of companionship - finding someone who is stuck just like you are.
He smiles up at the ceiling.
âMaybe together we can get somewhere...â
_
Dean hunches over his phone in the kitchen that evening, the smell of homemade lasagne cooking in the oven.
Samâs talking but Deanâs too busy to listen. Heâs reading the lyrics to âE.T.â, confused how this particular song apparently relates to him and Cas.
Heâs just feeling some type of way about âCould you be an angel? Your touch, magnetising, feels like I am floating, leaves my body glowingâ when his phone abruptly leaves his hand.
He blinks and lunges for it but itâs too late.
âDude, Iâve been talking to you for a half hour now and got nothing back. What are you - â Sam trails off, eyes widening as he flicks through the lyrics and sees Spoitfy is open in the background. âReally?â Pure glee lights up his brotherâs face. âA âDestielâ playlist?â
Dean tries to be cool despite his face burning. âYou were going on and on about it! I thought I should see what people are saying!â
Sam snorts. âI was not âgoing on and on about itâ. I mentioned it because youâre so possessive of Cas that you just had to know what we were talking about.â
âWhat?â Dean squeaks, and forcibly lowers his voice again. âIâm notâŠpossessive of Cas! Thatâs soâŠyou donât know what youâreâŠthatâs a loada bull!â
âWhy are you both shouting my name?â
Ah, shit.
âHey, Cas.â Sam says smoothly, smirking.
Dean, thinking Samâs sufficiently distracted, lunges for his phone again but Sam holds it just out of reach. Desperate and annoyed, Dean stamps on Samâs foot and he cries out. Dean pulls his phone from his grasp and roughly shoves it into his pocket.
Cas is watching them with a slight tilt to his head and a furrow in his brow.
âIs everything alright?â He says, so sincere Dean feels embarrassed.
âYeah. Just Sam being a dick.â
âDean was listening to a âdestielâ playlist.â Sam says, because apparently Dean raised him to be a total bastard. Sam smirks as he tries to rub his foot through his shoe.
âOh.â Cas blinks, looking at Dean with those eyes. All-seeing and soft and so blue. âIs itâŠa good one?â
Not the question Dean expected to get but itâs one he can work with. âY-yeah. Not bad. Donât get some of the songs butâŠya know. Not my playlist, I guess.â
He can feel Samâs eyes flickering between them. Deanâs definitely going to spit on his lasagne before he gives it to him.
Cas just hums, thinking. Dean can never tell what heâs thinking which strikes him as very unfair because Cas always seems to be able to get a read on him.
âI have an excellent one bookmarked.â Cas says, reaching into his pocket and retrieving his phone. âI will send it to you.â
Deanâs brain switches off.
_
Thing is, he keeps listening to them.
Itâs stupid, but now heâs started, itâs kinda hard to stop. Itâs like all those people that read their horoscope, or take personality tests - at some level, everyone wants to hear about themselves from someone else.
Even for someone who hates himself as much as Dean does, itâs fascinating when someone holds up an image of you and says this is how I see you.
It takes a few weeks for him to admit to himself that a lot of them are right.
And itâs oddly comforting when heâs feeling frustrated with a case, or upset about Mom leaving or annoyed with Sam or missing Cas, thereâs pretty much always a song tailored made for him and his emotions.
Particularly emotions regarding Cas.
Thereâs playlist after playlist about them and Deanâs steadily working through them all. Heâs also bookmarked the one Cas sent him and has no idea how to process the fact that someone made a romantic playlist about them that both of them listen to. Itâs funny, right?
Right?
Weeks later, Dean has a moment of weakness and lets Sam choose the music while he drives. Theyâre bone tired and theyâve been on the road too long. First they had a lead on Kelly in Jackson, Ohio which turns out to be a dud. Then on their way back, they stumble on a case in Flora, Illinois which takes almost a week.
Bruised and exhausted from dismantling a vamp nest, itâs all Dean can do to drive. So when Sam asks if he can put some music on for once, Dean just waves a hand, figuring itâll be some folk/rock or maybe Celine Dion if heâs really unlucky.
He doesnât really listen to it for a while, too focused on not falling asleep at the wheel to think about anything other than the road. A few of the songs sound familiar but he doesnât dwell on it. Itâs only after nearly an hour when a particularly distinctive intro kicks in does he actually pay attention.
âNo one on earth could feel like this, Iâm thrown and overblown with bliss. There must be an angel playing with my heartâŠâ
âWhatâs this?â He demands, voice rough from hours of silence.
Sam fidgets in his seat. âItâs Eurythmics.â
âYeah, I know.â And he does know. Heâs played the song himself enough times. âI mean, whatâs this playlist?â
âOh, uhâŠâ Sam holds his phone up and Dean takes his eyes off the road for a second to read the title.
heavenly connection - a destiel playlist
âDude!â Dean is suddenly painfully awake. âSwitch it off!â
âWhat? Why?â Sam rolls his eyes and lets the song play. âYou listen to them all the time. Why canât we listen to them in the car?â
âALRIGHT! Alright. Jeez.â Sam jabs at his phone and huffs.
The car is plunged into silence.
Dean immediately feels stupid. There was no need for him to lose it. No need to shout at all. But thereâs something too exposing about hearing the playlists out loud. Dean listens to them shut away in his room, headphones on to block out the rest of the world. Theyâre not for anyone else to hear.
If this is how heâs going to behave about it, maybe they shouldnât be for him to hear either.
Besides, heâs got too much to think about now. Momâs working god knows what, god knows where and Cas isâŠCas hasnât checked in for a while.
He clenches his jaw and pushes a little harder on the accelerator.
Heâs going to leave those girly, emotional songs behind. Heâs got a job to do and people to save.
The void in his chest rumbles like thunder.
_
Two months later, he goes crawling back to them.
More specifically, he goes back to the playlist Cas sent him.
He plays Florence + the Machineâs Cosmic Love over and over and over until the tears dry on his face and make his skin feel tight and stretched over his skull.
âThe stars, the moon, they have all been blown out - â
Dead, dead, dead. What had that angel said? Oh, yeah. All the way dead. Gone and not coming back.
âNo dawn, no day. Iâm always in this twilight.â
The bunkerâs a great place to grieve. Itâs easy to shut yourself in there like a tomb and rot. It would be even easier if Sam wasnât hovering around, trying to feed him and get him to go outside.
Whatâs worth going outside for?
More monsters, more death, more ways for Dean to fail.
The song changes and he quickly flicks past the hopeful ones. He tried listening to those a few days ago but it was like putting vinegar on a burn.
He stops on Take Me to Church, letting the deep tone wash over him like hot water.
âThe only heaven Iâll be sent to is when Iâm alone with you. I was born sick, but I love it. Command me to be well.â
The next case they take involves an old house filled with ghosts. Dean plunges the syringe into his chest without hesitation.
Itâs not gambling if you donât care about the outcome.
_
His headphones sit on the bedside table gathering dust while Dean whisper-sings along to Madonna.
Heâs gotta pack for Dodge City. Itâs a quick turn around but who cares when theyâre back up to a full team?
âItâs like a dream - no end and no beginning. Youâre here with me, itâs like a dream.â
âIs this the playlist I sent you?â Cas is in the doorway, broad-shouldered and alive.
âYeah.â Dean grins. His face flushes a little but he canât bring himself to be embarrassed right now. Heâs skipped all the downbeat songs to get to this one.
âHmm.â Cas nods, a rare and precious smile on his face. âI like this song.â
âYeah.â Dean has a vague memory of his father in his mind, scowling and flicking the car radio off when ten year old Dean jiggled his leg along to âLike a Prayerâ. He takes a breath. âMe too.â
_
He doesnât really use Spotify for anything else.
He doesnât see the point - heâs got all his favourite albums on cassette or vinyl and heâs got no desire to listen to them digitally, no matter what Sam says.
He finds other music from the playlists though. More Taylor Swift, but Dean didnât need much persuading there. If he's in the right mood, he likes listening to Florence + the Machine.
The songs are usually a bit weird and they usually remind him of Cas in some way or another. So when heâs been gone from the Bunker for a while, Dean listens to High As Hope.
âHungerâ hits him hard.
âAt seventeen I started to starve myself, I thought that love was a kind of emptiness. And at least I understood then the hunger I felt and I didnât have to call it loneliness.â
He remembers being a kid and passing the last piece of bread to Sammy, stomach rumbling. At least when he was hungry, he couldnât tell the difference between the space in his stomach and the space in his chest.
Now, he has the luxury of food in the kitchen and his own bed to sleep in. Nothing else to think about other than that ache in his chest.
Then Mom is gone again and the ache turns to fire.
_
He doesnât listen to the playlists for a long time.
It churns his stomach knowing what Chuck has been doing. Maybe no one even made these playlists at all. Maybe theyâre all Chuckâs invention, created to give Dean a soundtrack to his life inside the cage.
Heâs trapped like a hamster in a wheel, running and running and never getting anywhere.
He uninstalls Spotify but doesnât delete his account.
_
God is dead.
Well, not dead but his power has been ripped from him and thatâs enough. Itâs enough for Dean now. Heâs trying to be better. Trying to be the man thatâŠ
Eileenâs back and Sam is buzzing around her, giddy with excitement. Dean wants to pack a bag and leave, let them be happy without him dragging them down.
But heâs got nowhere to go and Sam would only be on his ass ten minutes later to drag him back. He tries to be grateful. He tries to be happy in his freedom.
Itâs what he wanted.
Dean manages to sit through dinner with the happiest couple on Earth. He laughs along with Eileenâs stories and torments Sam for her entertainment.
Then he goes to bed early, pulls off his clothes and slides beneath the covers. He slips on his headphones and reinstalls Spotify.
âThe End of Loveâ is the first song that comes on because Chuck might be gone but the universe still likes to laugh at him. He lets it play because nothing can really make him hurt more than he already is. And heâs still self-destructive enough to lean into the pain.
âIâve always been in love with you. Could you tell it from the moment I met you?â
He feels like heâs stood in the water, looking up at a tidal wave high above his head. Itâs going to crash down over him and he canât escape it. No point in even trying.
âWe were a family pulled from a flood.â
He turns his face to let out the first sob into the bed. Just in case Samâs walking by and hears him. His fingers curl into the pillow and he clings on as he cries, feeling like a child again; wailing and sobbing to his mother because his father put him down.
âJoshua came down from the mountain with a tablet in his hands, told me that he loved me, and ghosted me again.â
The chasm in his chest is so big, it presses against his skull and makes his toes cold.
Dean thinks if he falls over, heâll just crack open.
_
âFeels like fire, Iâm so in love with you. Dreams are like angels, they keep bad at bay - â
âReally?â Dean tries to mock but heâs smiling so much his cheeks are hurting. âYou chose The Power of Love?â
Cas bristles, holding Deanâs hand a little tighter. âYes. Itâs a good song. Itâs featured on many of the âdestielâ playlists - â
âYeah, yeah.â Dean grins, his fingers squeezing Casâ hip slightly. âWeird first dance song, though.â
âIs it? Oh.â Cas looks genuinely troubled and impossibly handsome. Dean wants to kiss him.
Dean can kiss him. Itâs fine. Encouraged, even. Itâs their wedding, theyâre expected to be sappy and embarrassing and make out if they want to.
So he kisses him and completely forgets that theyâre supposed to be dancing. Luckily, Cas leads him in a soft sway, one large warm hand on the base of his back.
âWhen the chips are down, Iâll be around with my undying, death-defying love for you.â
Cas hums against his lips and pulls away a little. Theyâre still close enough to share breath. It should be gross but Deanâs too happy to care.
âI stand by my choice.â
âYeah?â Dean whispers. Heâs vaguely aware of the faces, blurry and distant behind Casâ head. Samâs out there with Eileen, Garth and Bess, Jody and Donna and the girls. Bobby and Charlie and Stevie from the other world, even Rowena made a very dramatic appearanceâŠtheyâre all there for them.
Deanâs so full of love he feels like heâs going to burst.
âYes.â Cas says firmly, and holds Dean close.
âThe power of love. A force from above.â
Dean closes his eyes and trusts Cas to guide them.
