ironic indulgence

hi you have reached the desk of dave strider-lalonde please direct all questions to the ask page its not a box and this isnt a goddamn desk can we stop pretending those metaphors make even the faintest fucking iota of sense when you are actually talking about a personal webpage instead of a real place in meatspace serving as some unfortunate motherfuckers prison sentence of bureaucratic servitude get out of my blogoffice i want to feel important « no sburb dave rp blog »

[tracklessthoughts-deactivated20]

  At this point I’m probably going to greet my Dave with a gloved hand and a nice pat on the head. I don’t know what he’s gotten into, but he’s a bit like an errant puppy. One minute he’s being cute and stupid, and the next he’s gone and rolled in thirteen piles of very unique-smelling dog shit, each from a varied breed of Labrador including hybrids.

[sportpile]

far be it from me to turn the tables on you but i feel like theres probably something to be gleaned from that in a brief but thrilling and intense round of psychotherapy

in any case ill have to observe your dog breeder ectosibling from afar it weirds me out a little too much to actually attempt conversation

[tracklessthoughts-deactivated20]

  Oh, why not. I could use more friends. I don’t have much more to draw from right now beyond yourself and alternates of yourself, but you’ve proven sufficiently amusing for my tastes.

[sportpile]

you have to really be careful though when it comes to the common strider. sometimes youll stumble upon an entire colony who seem to not only sustain themselves through incestuous sexual relationships but also propagate utilizing something (my bets on ancient pagan rituals) to undergo the mystic trance of mpreg leading to more striders who due to the unfortunate tendency for total disregard of the westermarck effect will remain within this ghetto only to be snapped up thirteen years later by some creepy and enterprising older brother figure

uh

the point is keep your eyes out because you never know where their hands have been

[tracklessthoughts-deactivated20]

  I’m offended. Do you think me so base, to simply carry around a video recorder at all times? Do I seem like that kind of socially depraved individual, one who must record every happening of even remote and/or vague importance? To think you would have the audacity to assume I, an American citizen (sort of) would have the sheer gall, the sheer inanity required to even do such a thing…

Yeah, I did. It’s pretty funny. I don’t remember doing it but I said “BOOM, HEADSHOT” afterward as I walked out.

[sportpile]

ok youve fulfilled all necessary criteria for internet friendship can we be friends y/n please circle one

[tracklessthoughts-deactivated20]

  I have a similar story. When I turned 21, which was also just the other day, I proceeded to get dressed and realized the bottle in my hand was no longer a societal and governmental infraction. Don’t ask how I got dressed while holding the bottle, it’s a mystery I don’t care to solve. I celebrated by throwing it at the other person in the room and I received immediate compensation for my efforts in the form of expletives and general surprise.

I would recommend going viral with the video. Bitches love viral videos.

[sportpile]

it kind of takes the glamour and the allure from it when the government isnt going to bust your door down like the kool aid man but instead of yelling OHHHH YEAHHHH they just go freeze motherfucker and probably arrest you

like what the hell dude i thought you repealed prohibition in 1930 but no apparently were going to institute a system where only teenagers are allowed into speakeasies. what the fuck who thought that was a good idea

good on you though im glad you found a way to violate the norms and rules of the social contract and also probably laws of whatever country youre residing in by taking that bottle and pelting some poor piece of shit in the face. a+ good effort

(i hope you filmed that too it would make for a great take for the extended cut of that film i was telling you about)

[sportpile]

+ icedneedle

the other day i woke up and it took me about an hour to realize id turned 21 but the first thing i did was turn on a video camera and film myself ritualistically purchasing My First Beer as if id never had one before in my life

then i sent it to lalonde and titled it "sucks to be you" im still waiting for my invitation to an art gallery for my postmodern comment on the age of majority in the united states. do you have any advice for me

[rumblpak]

yo what up dave im roxy

well i guess ur imminent arrest and jailin is whats up along with the bail thats gonna be steep as BALLS

thats what u get 4 tellin shitty jokes around trolls u know

[sportpile]

yeah i am standing on a goddamn precipice of legalistic stranger danger counting my blessings like they were unhatched chicks and let me tell you a couple of those are getting broken like so many metaphorical omelets

the point is shit sucks

but not really its pretty clear up here in fort strider-lalonde no imminent threats to life and limb or anything because im pretty sure she wasnt being serious

and if she is well i have my will written up

ive lived a good life

[rumblpak]

sportpile started following you

oh no i almost missed u

look out bud cuz there’s big excitement going on over here

[sportpile]

hang on sign me up i am all about big excitement

if i miss anything though dont worry its on me ive kinda been rudely arrested for my role in perpetuating a shitty joke so while im trembling in fear of the bail that will inevitably be set too high for my broke ass im just going to turn myself in to this terezi chick and pray that i can trust her

how soon you can be betrayed

whatever you do dont forget that it seems really important for some reason  that it seems pointless to get into

hi my names dave

[ch4lkzon3-blog]

1TS TOO L4T3 D4V3 YOU H4V3 TH3 R1GHT TO R3M41N S1L3NT 4NYTH1NG YOU S4Y C4N 4ND W1LL B3 H3LD 4G41NST YOU

B3TT3R ST4RT C4LL1NG 4 L4WY3R HOP3 YOU C4N M4K3 B41L

[sportpile]

goddamn it ive never been any good at shutting myself up im going to need to ring up some public defenders here

ok but riddle me this little miss solicitorturer what am i looking at here for the deep pockets ill need to rob blind in order to make bail

(ps do you do pro bono)

[ch4lkzon3-blog]

OH TH4T W4S 4 GHOSTBUST3RS R3F3R3NC3 HON3STLY, 1 SHOULDV3 S33N 1T COM1NG BUT W3LL, H1NDS1GHT 1S 20/20

1T W4S CR1M1N4LLY B4D 1 TH1NK 1M GO1NG TO H4V3 TO T4K3 YOU 1N FOR TH4T ON3

[sportpile]

shit shit shit okay think fast dave 

just whatever you do dont put in me in the slammer my pale waifish frame cant take that kind of abuse alright

[ch4lkzon3-blog]

1LL G3T R1GHT ON TH4T

R34LLY? TH4TS W31RD WHO 1S 1T, 1F 1 M1GHT 4SK

[sportpile]

i mean hes kind of a buster aficionado in general its kind of a longtime passion of his

might know the name

its egbert

john egbert

wow that was hokey as shit please excuse me while i go fork out my eyeballs for coming up with that i think i will probably have forgiven myself at some point in the next five years but no guarantees that was criminally bad

[ch4lkzon3-blog]

WH3N CR33PYG1RL F1N4LLY R34RS H3R UGLY H34D, GO 4H34D 4ND G1V3 M3 4 C4LL

1 W1LL B3 H4PPY TO JO1N YOU ON TH3 B4TTL3FRONT 4G41NST HUM4N 4DV3RT1S1NG

[sportpile]

you should make up some business cards that list you as an official creepygirlbuster

i think i know of someone whod take you up on the offer at the very least 

[gustygent-blog]

hmm. maybe they’re like the box tops for education stuff. hey, if i save enough do you think i could buy a hooker? i don’t even want to do… stuff, just take them out to dinner and have fun. it’s like buying a date but i’d feel less guilty.

how many temporary tattoos do you think your dad costs? i might have enough right now.

[sportpile]

my dad is retired he got his wings and everything they gave him an honourable discharge which means something entirely different in his line of business

(i think he used to run about 25 of the really high quality temps back in the day. we call them temps in the business)

man getting some of those temps could really run you some serious madnasty stacks of americadollars though

are you sure you didnt shank someone to get access to those coveted skin stamps

[ch4lkzon3-blog]

1D L1K3 TO S33 H3R TRY TO CULL M3 SH3 WOULDNT G3T V3RY F4R

BUT 1LL K33P YOUR W4RN1NG 1N M1ND, JUST 1N C4S3 4NYTH1NG H4PP3NS 1LL M4K3 SUR3 TO G3T OUT 4S SOON 4S SH1T GO3S DOWN

[sportpile]

good thanks

that means a lot to me i know not every place is as lucky as portland where walmart was outlawed by deed poll in 1998

of course the police are so ineffectual theyve been involved in a firefight with the gritty holdout outpost on the west side of town but i think they should be able to break the siege by 2020

then all that remains is facing the final boss creepygirl

we might need your help for that one

[ch4lkzon3-blog]

SH3 C4N P1NHOL3 C4M3R4 M3 4LL SH3 W4NTS BUT 1 H4V3 TO B3 H3R3

1M SUPPOS3D TO B3 R3STOCK1NG B4GS OF L3TTUC3 4ND SH1T BUT 1NST34D 1M T4K1NG P1CTUR3S OF MYS3LF

[sportpile]

im just looking out for you here man. dont come calling when the satanic little tomatokid declares martial law and begins random and indiscriminate culling of clientele and employee alike

shes bad news is all im saying

[spiritumvenator-blog]

+ sportpile

[spiritumvenator-blog]

hey, dave. your blog’s colors are kind of emo and hipster, but i’m willing to overlook that because my blog is literally a white background and a cool picture of me from behind that i edited to be transparent. also, you have an entire page for your friends but there’s nobody on it, which is really lame, dude. 

[sportpile]

ok so heres the point where i mention that while im burning a friends page in effigy as some sort of symbolic resistance to the concept of internet acquaintanceship you dont even have the guts to include it in your sidebar

for shame man did nobody teach you the ways and wiles of the internet

also jesus i havent updated this theme or this blog in fucking forever i should probably apply some semblance of html competence on it before i die from embarrassment and by proxy infest everyone else with the roundworm of fierceshitty tumblr theming

[sportpile]

C4N W3 4DV3NTUR3 NOW D4V3 >:?

hey

sorry for taking so long to answer this ive had a lot of shit going on but yeah sure lets go on an adventure fuck i am all about going on adventures with attractive young aliens

[necromanias-deactivated20140202]

i dont think dead babies are capable of communicating, dead or otherwise  that would be weird though itd just be a random mash of letters “so how old are you?” “jfdsjfisjg7sg87hg35u837jgkjsd” “ah”

 most people tend to consider death as a sad thing but its more of a celebration! ascending into the world of the dead people isnt so bad  nobody ever disappears and everything is ok forever there but alright! ill keep that in mind

well they arent my favorite roses are pretty high up on my list of favorite flowers theyre really pretty whats your favorite?

alright ill make sure no consultation goes unheard

 maybe the milk is a figment of our imagination  there never was any milk to begin with milk doesnt exist

it is truly 

[sportpile]

well but then youd know wouldnt you.  you just like go out there and ask the first question and if all you get in response is that either they cant read or theyre a baby the second implies the first i guess so yeah

i mean if its that good why doesnt everyone just up and die now is it just because were a bunch of pussies that dont want to take the leap of faith

yeah i gotta stick with you (and sis) here and say rose theyre nice flowers all told like theyre just cool looking

shit next thing you know all the while weve been dreaming that cows have been giving us milk when really weve just been fooled its all cow pee its like the apple juice ruse i cant trust anyone anymore and shit i mean this would apply to all mammals now humanity would collapse in on itself just because of fucking mothers milk save me aradia im gonna have to jump ship to trollkind to avert total annihilation turn me grey throw on some sick ass horns whatever im too young to die not even like the cool whatever kind of death but some kind of fucking like skull monster going out and double killing me so i cant even be regular dead thats how bad its going to be