Tales From A Free Soul @spotlessdeaire-blog - Tumblr Blog

Everything I’ve Been through and I still ain’t lose my smile😁😇✨#teamlilbooty😉 (at South Street) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn5PuVyns5OiVMnZr6S0G_b6HGG7Zx4FlUn6fQ0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1i3bw8p2zbf9x

#teamlilbooty😉

Came across this video brought tears to my eyes man😩 Dad was always sitting around laughing at me and Moms craziness. I wish I could go back to these days😢 Rest in Paradise Dad, never gets any easier without you, but I’m going to continue to be the strong woman you raised me to be🙏🏾💕 https://www.instagram.com/p/BnIMDlxns5oTVQWZUbRCwlb1I5FwpcRkd74qVk0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1lcjgverialfl

Me when my mom tries to make reasonable and logical suggestions to me as to how I should live my life VS Me calling my Mom when stuff goes wrong Because I’m hard headed😂

I’m always there for everyone else. But yet I’m always dealing with my hurt alone😩

I’ve been drowning in depression and anxiety and no one has even noticed.

smspoetry

“rib cage and hip bone divots in the mattress. my very own fossil of depression. when i die archaeologists will learn of a creature that could sleep all day and still be exhausted. they will study a being that had tornados in her mind and lava in her veins. her lips a shore and her words the waves. hurricanes when screaming into a pillow. half woman, half pain.”

— smspoetry

I wonder what I did to make you not love me anymore😩

Mondays on a Strawberry Swing pt 2

I woke up the next day with blood shot eyes, a headache, and a battered conscience. I really should say that I arose from my bed; because I didn’t sleep at all to say that I woke up. On a normal Tuesday I’d roll out of bed around noon and meet up with Trell at Ben & Jerry’s for our Scoops and Study Session. But that couldn’t happen today or any other Tuesday; or any other day for that matter. Tears began falling from my eyes yet again as if I had any left to cry. I just couldn’t cope with all the joys I shared with him that couldn’t be shared anymore. All the little things we used to do together. No more trips to the gym where he’d tease me about how little I could bench, no more sleepovers where I would give up my bed and sleep on the floor with my butterfly comforter, no more concerts, movies, no more anything. I was in the middle of wailing then suddenly I heard knocking at my door.

“Lexi babe, I’m headed out. You need anything before I go?”. I choked down my tears and pulled myself together just long enough to answer her, “No Mommy. I’m good”. “Alright baby. Send Trell my love.” she said as she stomped off. Hearing her say that brought up a new feeling of guilt and doubled my anxiety. My Mom loved Trell. She always calls him her Son, and jokingly Son-In-Law sometimes. I can keep her suspicions down for a day or two. But after enough time goes by she is going to start asking questions as to why he’s not around. Questions that I’m not going to have answers to.

I took a quick shower and threw on some lazy day clothes. I then began pacing the floor trying to figure out what to do, if anything could be done. Finally I decided I’d try and call him and after a few more paces I worked up the courage to do so. Ring, after Ring, after Ring, after Ring and then it went to voicemail. My heart dropped into my socks and tearfully I left him a message “Trell I’m so sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine how angry you are with me, but please talk to me.” At this point I was breaking down so much that I couldn’t talk anymore so I hung up, fell down on my bed, and went into a crying fit.

In the midst of my sobbing my phone begins to ring and I scrambled across my sheets to pick it up. I didn’t even take the time to carefully read who’s name was on the screen. I just pressed the green phone icon a frantically shouted “Trell” into the phone. My scream of horror was returned by a devilish laugh that wasn’t coming from Trell, but oddly enough his father.

“This is Kareem sweetheart, not Trell” he said with the same raspy voice that trapped me before. I started boiling over with rage and yelling into the phone” Why are you calling me? Don’t talk to me? Trell hates me because of you!”. He again was completely unaffected by my level of emotion, he actually seemed amused and responded “I didn’t mean to mess ya’ll lil thang up. I wouldn’t worry about it he’ll get over it. And he’s not going to tell nobody”. “No he won’t get over it! He’s heartbroken. How can you be so nonchalant about you’re own sons feelings?” I inquired in an aggressive tone.

I refrained from bringing up the engagement because I could tell that no one knew about it. Kareem chuckled and then answered me “Babygirl Trell is not really my son.”. “What do you mean? You and Mrs. Tina have been married for 22 years and Trell is 19!”I said in utter shock and confusion. “All this time me and Tina have kept up the image that we’re a perfect family. But she cheated on me about 20 years ago and got pregnant. I didn’t leave her because I knew how she’d be treated. So stayed with her and raised Trell. But he’s not my son and he knows it. You know better than anybody that we ain’t never been close.”. He never lied there. Me and Trell often had conversations about Kareem. Him and Trell were always bickering and fighting with each other. They could never see eye to eye on anything, and now I finally see why. Just as I was arising from memory lane and drifting back into reality Kareem began speaking again “Now you can see why I don’t feel bad about last night. You shouldn’t either. You wanted me last night. And you know what, I think you still want me. I know your Moms at work. Unlock ya door, I’m on my way over.”. The phone dings as he hangs up and I just stood there in the middle of my room trapped between desire and guilt.