Expressing my thoughts. Being honest with myself. It is better for you to hurt me with the truth than to comfort me with lies. Just enjoy my life right now. With animes, fashions, jdrama, kdrama, music etc etc.. Showing a side of me not seen by many.
“baby, please please,” sunghoon mumbles gibberish as he struggles to stand still, “it’s such a good idea, just hear me out!”
under the heavy influence of alcohol and the aftermath of some questionable yet impressive breakdancing at your friend’s wedding, sunghoon now stands flushed and breathless—face red, tie askew, a few shirt buttons undone. his tuxedo is bundled in your arms, and his hands are on your shoulders, trying to stabilize himself.
“we n-need to get married and—” hiccup “and, and m-move in—” hiccup “—will- will be the best hubby f-for you” hiccup
sunghoon grips your shoulders tighter, his weight tipping dangerously forward every time he leans in, eyes half-lidded with determination and booze-fueled affection. his lips purse in slow motion, aiming clumsily for yours.
you push a hand firmly against his chest. “nope. not happening.”
“my wife,” he whines, stumbling back a few steps on the empty road in front of the event, before striding towards you again, “you hurt me, i r-really need you!”
“sunghoon, the cab will be here any minute—”
you couldn’t even finish your sentence as sunghoon slumps his whole body weight over you, gathering you into a bear hug.
somehow, you manage to create a fair space between the two of you. pressing your hands on his chest, you try to push back as sunghoon wraps his arms around your waist and rests his head on your shoulders.
“i love you,” he barely makes coherent sentences, snuggling his face at the crook of your neck, his lips gently pressing against it, “please marry me. we could elope. vegas. tomorrow.”
you laugh, something between blushing, humour and your heart swelling up to his words. you muster all your strength and push him until he’s just one arm away.
“i swear to god,” you sigh, trying to pry him off as his tux almost slips away from your hold, “you will wake up with zero memory tomorrow morning.”
“i don’t need memory,” sunghoon pouts again, chuckling out loud as he comes closer to you again, stumbling and swaying in his steps as he cups your face, “my body knows, my lips .. know.”
before you can say anything, he leans in and connects his lips with yours in the sloppiest, neediest kiss ever.
your brain short circuits.
his mouth is warm and clumsy, moving with unplanned precision against yours than he usually has— this is all desperation and tipsy affection. he hiccups once, twice into the kiss, chuckling before reconnecting his lips with yours. you feel your knees becoming weaker.
you try to push him away but he only leans in even more, humming into the kiss like he has been craving this all night. he slides his hand up your back, pressing you impossibly close to him, both his hands anchoring to your body.
he pulls back just a little, lips brushing yours, eyes fluttering. “you taste like forever,” he whispers, so seriously that your chest tightens despite the absurdity.
“sunghoon, there are still people here—” you gasp, pulling him back by his raven hair. he winces as the pull softly, but refuses to let you go.
“there’s no one here but us and destiny,” he breathes, and kisses you again before you can even roll your eyes.
this time the kiss is slower, softer, he tilts his head to kiss you deeper, his hands soon finding your cheeks. although he reeked of alcohol still, you couldn’t shake him away. you gasp softly as he tilts his head, deepening it—his mouth opening against yours with such yearning, you nearly forget where you are. his lips trail down to your jaw for a second, then back up, brushing teasingly slow before capturing your bottom lip again with a sigh.
“sunghoon,” you whisper against him, dizzy, drunk in love as well. but sunghoon only hums against your lips, and kisses them soft. slow. longer and lingering, blushing like he’s kissing for the first time.
“enough now,” you pant for breath as he pulls away, hitting his chest, “we have to go— what are you doing?”
sunghoon suddenly drops down on his knees. like, actually drops, hard, on the pavement outside the wedding venue with flickering lights still on.
you gape, “oh my god, ‘hoon! get up, you’re ruining your pants!”
“no!” he shouts, well, slurs incoherently while his arms wrap around your waist, “this is it. i have waited for this and i will say it.”
“get up—”
“y/n,” he cuts you off, dramatically clutching at his chest like he’s been shot. “i am so, so in love with you. like there is nothing in this world i wouldn’t do for you and—”
“oh my god.”
he takes a deep breath, then grabs your hand in both of his, pressing it to his heart. “marry me,” he says, eyes shiny with sincerity and tequila. “please. i’ll be so good. i’ll do the dishes. i’ll learn to cook. i’ll stop trying to do flips at weddings. probably.”
“you’re so drunk,” you try to lean in, eyes pricking with tears of both laughter and yearning.
“but I’m serious,” he insists, eyes locking onto yours like they’re the only steady thing in his spinning world. “i want to marry you. tonight. tomorrow. whenever. just—say yes. please, baby, please.”
“sunghoon, baby,” you sigh, controlling your chuckle as you start to caress his neck and face, “get up.”
“if i—” hiccup “get up, will you marry me?” sunghoon pouts.
“yes!” you almost shout, a little laughter escaping you. your heart aches, he is a total mess, drunk to the nose, shit crumples and knees dirty from the pavement as he stands up. but through all of that, you know he means all of it.
“okay,” sunghoon straightens his back, holding your hands, “we are married now. can i kiss my bride?”
you almost cry, tugging softly at his hands, “yes.”
he doesn’t waste no time, immediately capturing your lips in his, pulling you impossibly close again. hands resting on your cheeks, sunghoon truly loves you.
스루 ܃ never lower your standards, if your man doesn’t get on his knees for you, boy next 😹
Half of the year has past, I would say its still going. I am still getting out of my slump. It is hard and a long road to get out but it is worth it. My goal hasnt change but things have been added and changed. There are things that I learned to like, things that I didnt know that I would like, and things that I knew that I would try and would never like. I am still learning and finding out my learning style. It is different now, back then is it easy to study no matter what I am doing I always had time to study and finish school work and had fun but now I cant. I could barely finish my task, I could barely focus on certain task but I am trying. I am motivated, but is not enough. I feel and I see that everyone around me is progressing but I am on a standstill. I am enjoying my life and my time but I do envy others.
I will not deny that. I do envy others but bot in a negative way. Like I said, I am in a slump that I am trying and still getting out of. I am enjoying my time with my family, with my son. I want to live my life as well as to find myself that I lost. My past self and present self is not clear on where we stand today. We are both looking at for a coming ground, I like both of them but both have to mature and let go some parts that are not healthy so we can move forward together and learn to be a better version together for the future.
As of right now, I am battling my laziness and redirecting my focus to get my career back on track. I know in my mind and heart that I can do this. I have worked on this for more than 10 years and I want to go to the next level so I can enjoy more and be more prepared in the future and for Kai's future.
It is okay to restart yourself. No one can tell you no if you want to be a better version of yourself. You can always start over and change. The only time you cant change is when you already gave up on yourself.
it is never easy to fail. Its easy to say I wont give up until I pass, in which case I am doing it but to fail and keep failing is never easy especially on my mind or mental state. Depression is a strong word and emotion. It can be felt by people differently but one thing is common with it, you get stuck in a slump and just feel like you cant get out of it. I am sad yes I admit that. I admit that I tried and tried but it wasnt enough. I admit I envy others that are doing better than me and Im suppose to be better or in the same situation but I am not.
I am not smart but I work hard. Lately I feel like I am trying to hard that my mind doesnt want to do it at all. Studying is hard even before but the only difference is I was a student back then and I am an surviving adult now. I know I have the capacity to study and remember and answer questions but for the 6 or 7 time I fail I dont know honestly. Do i deserve to actually be a nurse? I studied hard and worked hard to get that degree even migrating thats all I can think about but how come I cant pass?! I can answer the questions and be close to passing and high or very high chances of passing but the actual exam I cant? what is wrong with me?!?
I am not going to lie did lose hope for a while. I even considered changing careers or focus but my gut and mind still wants be a nurse, a dialysis nurse to be exact. I got the courage again to start over. I called a different Board of Nursing and asked if I can apply even if I already started with a different state and lucky they said yes. That was enough for me get up and see the glimmer of hope again. The hope to be a nurse. I want my son to see that no matter how hard life throws at you there will always be answer. Even in the deepest, darkest, most dangerous mind there can be hope. Hope is not only to live as a person, in my opinion, hope is to keep going until the dream is close enough to be reality.
I am on a very very very long journey to get my shit together. More than 14 years in the making but that light no matter how faint is still glowing in my heart and mind next to the bigger light which is my son. I have 2 lights that I have to keep, one is the light of being a mother and the other is myself which is myself being and becoming an actual nurse. For right now, writing this actually makes me feel better. To release the tension in my mind, heart and soul that I am good enough to start over again and again until I can get it. I did put a time line for myself but I can always adjust it but not too much because time is a luxury that I dont have and should not waste.
Things that I learned from these, time is both companion and enemy. I should learn to stick and stick to my to do list and plans because I cant always there is always be tomorrow. Every minute is a lifetime, being a mom I know that so well so I am going to maximize all that I can do for my son and fight my laziness every now and then. Rest is part of the process, both body and mind needs to recover so that time is not waste by pushing yourself too hard. Yes pushing yourself is good but within limits. Its okay to start over, its never easy to start over but it can be done. Its better to start over than to continue something that doesnt work.
I know everyone is different but I know people feels somewhat the same as me so I am being open and transparent so that others can see that its okay, whatever happens we will get over this and reach our goal.
Happy to say that even though we tested positive my son is negative and is very active!! will have to boost his immune system more. I rather be sick than him..
It sucks to be stuck at home especially I you cant rest. I just want to be lazy and actually rest and not argue with my mom. Lol sadly, she is ambivalent about everything. I understand about love hate relationship but this is just stupid. If she actually hate taking care of us which is not the case. She doe cook and bring them my siblings food not me. Im already sick but she wants me to act like I am not. I know I have a child and I do take care of my child because the reality is I still and will take care of my child regardless of what I FEEL AND WHAT STATE I AM IN. But i wouldnt never guilt trip my child for me being sick.
With that being said, what I am feeling right now, at this moment, is slight weakness. I am function like how I am normally but I do get headaches. My cough is as stupid as it is. The only thing that is different is I have asthmatic cough which I havent felt in years. Being a former stress smoker, I dont and have never experience anything like this. Fevers are super random. I just feel it without warning.
I honestly just want to be lazy but I cant. My guilt and responsibility is just too much that I cant even stop it for a few moments other than sleep. I wasnt suppose to go out but she needed me to go out!! like really??!! yo forgot I was sick??! just because I am functional it doesnt mean I am not sick. And if you really wanted to work then work pls dont blame me for being sick and for you not working.
Happy New Year to everyone around the world. I know I’m late but I still want to do it! Lets welcome 2022 with positives and enthusiasm! Lets leave the negative vibes and move forward to a better version of ourself. Thats one thing I am personal working on. I am thankfully to all the hardships that came to me because it made more stronger and somewhat smarter. I am not have achieved my goals last year, I can restart fresh and plan better than last year. Again, Happy New Year and lets have a prosperous 2022 #newyear #newyearsresolution2022 https://www.instagram.com/xtiaxhinkaye/p/CYN9RpIskxi/?utm_medium=tumblr
