Spring

23/// they/them

[springisnevercomingback]

My heart- it feels so distant

Its isolated and forgot to take me in too

[springisnevercomingback]

Im going out for strolls taking paths that are not too crowded

Still i will be reminded of all those memorys

Is one truly gonna heal when all is a memory?

When a simple spot with trees hold much more meaning?

Do i not only get left with those memorys but have to leave the place itself?

[springisnevercomingback]

Meeting someone special who makes you forget about the pain, but the pain will come regardless how much i try to convince myself there will be painful days

I hope it will just be days

[springisnevercomingback]

Honestly its SO embarrassing having to tell ppl that im still feeling horrible after all this time

Seeing or just hearing them being disappointed just hurts so much

[springisnevercomingback]

Sleeping again 'n again 'n again for soo long

Getting nice flashbacks as a present

What am i suppose to do with them? Blame those who hurt me back then? One of them just decided to not have contact again and the other one is trying to get better

?? And when i start to even feel like a ounce of anger just a tiny bit im getting those bad nightmares that make me feel bad for blaming them

I dont wanna deal with this

I get it that i always avoided those memory's and hey nice to remember stuff again but can u like stop?

[springisnevercomingback]

Im getting bad again

Meaning more isolating and sleeping

Im having so many horrible nightmares that im scared to sleep

But i also want to sleep to escape this, everything

So after last night where i just whined in bed and tried to sleep, while confirming in my head that theres no one out there i can really talk to about my issues

Im at a loss again

My head hurts i want to sleep so badly sometimes bc im so tired that i even beg for bad dreams if that means im able to sleep

But im just constantly tired

I feel so tired

And i cant tell anyone

I dont want you to be worried

Or

Tell me you feel bad for me

So lets skip this pitiful conversation and let me continue suffering till its better

Bc i dont know what to do

[springisnevercomingback]

Anxiety slowly creeping back

I want to isolate myself again

Ppl telling me they are glad im back to normal

I dont want to be back

I want to suffer more

I want to be alone again

[springisnevercomingback]

Hm.. im getting better

But now i have to fix everything i recklessly left behind

Im not mad at my past self because i can understand why they did it but im not sure if i can handle fixing it

Exhausting thinking about it

[springisnevercomingback]

It feels like my body is bleeding inside

I want to sleep so i cant think

Cant feel

But my nightmares giving me even more pain

I fail to realise

Was it a dream? Did this really happen?

The feelings are still there

[springisnevercomingback]

Today you hurt me

It felt familiar, is it because we are family?

My family used to hurt me like that and i pretended i wasn't hurt

You understood my pain that we suffered together

Today my family cares more because you can see my pain on my body, caged in a big house full with other hurt people

What changed that youre now blind to my pain?

Did i hurt you? Did i say something? I care so much for you. I did so much for you.

Could my love not reach you? Was it too much?

Today you didnt reject my love

You destroyed it

You said you'll never hurt others like we were hurt

But do i not matter? Because im in the same family? Is youre hate so strong towards our family that you cant see me?

I changed yes.

But i changed to heal

You changed to destroy.

[springisnevercomingback]

[springisnevercomingback]

*sigh

Head empty just full w paint

[springisnevercomingback]

Not a fkn tiktok telling me why i always hated to be compared to my mother just in the slightest

[springisnevercomingback]

Stop this stupidly annoying sound already

[springisnevercomingback]

Closing my eyes and seeing strange things makes me want to sleep w open eyes

[springisnevercomingback]

But i want to help you we can do this together

No

I already see u struggling w urself

I gave up trying to fix others too

[springisnevercomingback]

You want me to tell you what im struggling with

Nah i already know u cant handle this side of me

So pshh lets both pretend there are no such issues;

Like we always do, okay?