My heart- it feels so distant
Its isolated and forgot to take me in too
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@springisnevercomingback
My heart- it feels so distant
Its isolated and forgot to take me in too
Im going out for strolls taking paths that are not too crowded
Still i will be reminded of all those memorys
Is one truly gonna heal when all is a memory?
When a simple spot with trees hold much more meaning?
Do i not only get left with those memorys but have to leave the place itself?
Meeting someone special who makes you forget about the pain, but the pain will come regardless how much i try to convince myself there will be painful days
I hope it will just be days
Honestly its SO embarrassing having to tell ppl that im still feeling horrible after all this time
Seeing or just hearing them being disappointed just hurts so much
Sleeping again 'n again 'n again for soo long
Getting nice flashbacks as a present
What am i suppose to do with them? Blame those who hurt me back then? One of them just decided to not have contact again and the other one is trying to get better
?? And when i start to even feel like a ounce of anger just a tiny bit im getting those bad nightmares that make me feel bad for blaming them
I dont wanna deal with this
I get it that i always avoided those memory's and hey nice to remember stuff again but can u like stop?
Im getting bad again
Meaning more isolating and sleeping
Im having so many horrible nightmares that im scared to sleep
But i also want to sleep to escape this, everything
So after last night where i just whined in bed and tried to sleep, while confirming in my head that theres no one out there i can really talk to about my issues
Im at a loss again
My head hurts i want to sleep so badly sometimes bc im so tired that i even beg for bad dreams if that means im able to sleep
But im just constantly tired
I feel so tired
And i cant tell anyone
I dont want you to be worried
Or
Tell me you feel bad for me
So lets skip this pitiful conversation and let me continue suffering till its better
Bc i dont know what to do
Anxiety slowly creeping back
I want to isolate myself again
Ppl telling me they are glad im back to normal
I dont want to be back
I want to suffer more
I want to be alone again
Hm.. im getting better
But now i have to fix everything i recklessly left behind
Im not mad at my past self because i can understand why they did it but im not sure if i can handle fixing it
Exhausting thinking about it
It feels like my body is bleeding inside
I want to sleep so i cant think
Cant feel
But my nightmares giving me even more pain
I fail to realise
Was it a dream? Did this really happen?
The feelings are still there
Today you hurt me
It felt familiar, is it because we are family?
My family used to hurt me like that and i pretended i wasn't hurt
You understood my pain that we suffered together
Today my family cares more because you can see my pain on my body, caged in a big house full with other hurt people
What changed that youre now blind to my pain?
Did i hurt you? Did i say something? I care so much for you. I did so much for you.
Could my love not reach you? Was it too much?
Today you didnt reject my love
You destroyed it
You said you'll never hurt others like we were hurt
But do i not matter? Because im in the same family? Is youre hate so strong towards our family that you cant see me?
I changed yes.
But i changed to heal
You changed to destroy.
*sigh
Head empty just full w paint
Not a fkn tiktok telling me why i always hated to be compared to my mother just in the slightest
Stop this stupidly annoying sound already
Closing my eyes and seeing strange things makes me want to sleep w open eyes
But i want to help you we can do this together
No
I already see u struggling w urself
I gave up trying to fix others too
You want me to tell you what im struggling with
Nah i already know u cant handle this side of me
So pshh lets both pretend there are no such issues;
Like we always do, okay?