[vozchik]

they're similar but they're NOT the same

[sprouts-in-honey]

ok dialing things back for a moment

i don't think i'm really crediting how harmful social media and being online is doing to my mental health.

i'm including video games because they keep me too connected to my devices

i think i genuinely need to just depart from it all for a while

leave one day of the week where i can watch youtube or stream movies and play games. but otherwise stick to physical hobbies and mediums as much as possible

i feel ill and i know it's not the entire problem but it's a good chunk of it.

less apps and timers and games and seeing what everyone else is doing and being constantly inundated with what to think or believe or know how to self therapy yourself.

i'm tired. i want to touch grass. i'm done.

[sprouts-in-honey]

my favorite story is women that fell for being trad wives realizing they're now trapped into an existence where they can no longer have interests or be an individual

[sprouts-in-honey]

"are you at risk of hurting yourself or others?"

always, but i'm also showing an incredible amount of restraint

[sprouts-in-honey]

my recent contribution to the arts is a mcdonalds minion painted in black nail polish

you're welcome art world

[sprouts-in-honey]

ok genuinely thank you tumblr for making me laugh when i was feeling so fucking empty

i typed in "tips to feel better" in tumblrs search bar and i start reading this lovely post that gives some well thought out advice. i read through all of it get to the bottom and find

a picture of antman

this is an antman ask blog

LIKE

ok your advice was good but the absurdity of it is cracking me up

i was genuinely feeling sucidal but its so random that now im just amused

thank you random citizen you helped but not in the way you intended

[sprouts-in-honey]

jk I'm weak

I'm going to bed. sleep is the only true escape I have rn why the fuck would i avoid it

[sprouts-in-honey]

hr 15

6/9/25, 11:30 pm, monday

caffeine: 2 cups of coffee and half a large bottle of mtn dew

symptoms: eyes feel kind of swollen and heavy. tired but not distractingly so. kind of vaguely foggy but can still walk around. i even played a few difficult rounds of beat saber. earlier i struggled to memory recall a little bit (won't lie thats kind of common tho) and have a general sense of apathy.

notes: this is a terrible idea of which i shall regret especially by wednesday which im supposed to play games with my cousin for most of the day. my neck also kinda hurts for no reason. this is so far a pretty normal amount of time to stay awake even with a poor nights sleep. the plan is to play games, read, do art, and exercise as much as i can to stay awake.

maybe also watch eos to motivate me lmao.

what do i hope to gain? a drunk feeling without drinking. maybe lowered inhibitions so my writing and art can be loosey goosey and more interesting. to see if i can. because i'm bored and lonely. because i'm an adult and can do whatever the fuck i like. because it will distract me from the larger issues im currently ignoring about my personal life and the world. huzzah.

[sprouts-in-honey]

eyo slept like crap last night and thought hey why not ride this exhaustion into another sleep deprivation experiement? i will fully regret this by tomorrow when i want to do chores and watch xfiles with my brother in the evening but whatever

i'm really back into the good old pity party state of mind where i just want to hurt myself to distract from the horrors

[sprouts-in-honey]

remember that purple lady that only dressed in purple, had purple decor, and even ate only purple food?

I'm turning into the forest green equivalent of that and I couldn't be happier

[sprouts-in-honey]

wow my mom loves to complain and yet hates to hear "be the change you want to see in the world" because it implies personal responsibility and she's just not down for that.

[akelaphobia]

Ninelives (2015, SmokyMonkeyS)

A cool MMO with a sorta Morrowind-ish vibe to it. I'd never even heard of the game until my friend discovered it about two weeks ago.

It's sadly dead and hasn't had any content updates since 2018, but the servers are still up (for now) and all of the monetization was disabled so you can play it entirely for free.

It's definitely worth checking out for free, plus who knows how long they'll keep the servers up. Hopefully at some point they share server tools or convert it into a single-player/P2P experience. I could see this game gaining a cult following.

Ninelives - Free Online RPG

          

[sprouts-in-honey]

oof good to see mpa is still kicking after all these years. as long as "support" is in the title we're good i guess

reread all my old accountability threads on there. hate that i'm literally the same person still. i always want to say i've improved and grown but i'm still so much the same person in a lot of ways. it hurts.

......

damn i wanna starve again

[sprouts-in-honey]

i guess the pushing myself thing is kind of self harm. but like. whatever at this point. healthy copes aren't helping at least this is something new for a while.

we have a few options:

fasting for as long as possible

not sleeping for 72 hrs

working out too much daily for 30 days

literally doing nothing for a week (like no hobbies, no socializing, just laying in bed)

reading for a day straight

writing for a day straight

sensory deprivation for a day (ear plugs and sleep mask)

these are lame actually. but wouldn't it be fun if i wrote daily journals about how i was feeling during them? like experiments? i'm a free guinea pig.

[sprouts-in-honey]

i've been really good about not relapsing into my old unhealthy eating patterns (or lack thereof). i'm not saying it's better than drugs (still comes with it's share of health issues) but at least i'm fat enough it won't actually start to hurt me for a while. maybe it's time to do it again. just as an alternative until i start to feel back to normal.

[sprouts-in-honey]

my brother drinks so it's literally the easiest thing to do. but i know if i give in it'll be like a dam breaking open. just a flood of restricting my entire life whoosing into a massive problem. i'll lose any focus i have left. i'll be cynical and lonely and have hangovers. good luck being creative at all. not to mention the health issues that come with it. liver failure, heart issues, etc.

why cant there be something i could escape life with that won't fucking hurt me or anyone else around me

like god this all fucking sucks. there is no cure there is no cope there's just constant pain and then you fucking die. if you're lucky you might have a few moments of joy somewhere in between. but the ratio is completely unbalanced and in favor of shit.

[sprouts-in-honey]

like logically i've not touched any of it because i know it's dumb. i know that my dad had problems before mom divorced him and i know that addictive nature runs in the genes. i know that if i start i wont stop. i've seen this side of myself with other aspects of life. i know that drugs and alchohol can only really make life worse and it's a temporary fix for a permanent problem.

but i'm so desperate to escape and this seems to be the only sollution humans have discovered so far.

gaming doesn't help. reading doesn't help. fucking hypnosis, subliminals, reality shifting, astral projection doesn't work. journaling doesn't work. mediating doesn't work. it's all fucking bullshit and being a good clean person doesn't seem to be helping anyway. i'm still hurting no matter what i do.