Well thatās helpful
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@squeakthewritepony
Well thatās helpful
I need to find a way to put my heart into things again.Ā
Iām sorry this Tumblr has turned into a sad disney image every few months, but that seems to be where Iām at.
Iām so sad
Just...all the time. I try to work on things, but the world is underwater and I canāt breathe.
I Feel....
Numb I suppose, I need to make things to be happy, but making things hasnāt made me happy for some time...maybe I should make something new? Something unburdened and free? But would that be a betrayal of the past that has buoyed me up to make new things?
I should talk to people. I really should, but thereās a tight anxiety in my chest and it wonāt go away. Itās a little painful.
Blarglefarble
So, my power was out for....wow a really long time, after that Hurrican, but itās been back for a bit and...Iāve made no attempts to so much as turn on my laptop...watch TV....read a book...Iāve just kinda...lain in bed...inert and unmoving besides dragging myself to work and back.Ā
Itās been so long since I did anything creatively, so long since Iāve truely engaged with anyone besides a select few. I need to get back to life, come back to life really. I mean Iām alive currently obviously but a I living? Thatās the question. I canāt seem to focus on anything, or imagine the future more complexly than a few days ahead at a time. Attempts to pour myself into things the way I used to end up spilled over the floor, like my ideas are all full of holes. I know theyāre not, but the illusion that they are is so strong I canāt seem to fight it, and lately itās just...hard to get up in the morning.Ā
I think the logical disconnect between myself and what I should be doing, and the Ā bleary haze thatās settled over everything is becoming stronger rather than weaker, and I apologize for my lack of presence. Iām just..having a hard time I guess.Ā
Blarblefable.Ā
The purpose of the coat: Terry Pratchettās memorial.
After I read my piece, Rob Wilkins presented me with a hat that Terry had left me.
A Few Things
Thank you everyone for the kind words, Iām sorry for the relative radio silence on all fronts. I kinda....fell away from everything I guess? I havenāt quite had the courage to go in and try being me again....and I kinda still donāt?Ā
BUT, hereās a few things.Ā
Is Doctor Whooves Adventures/PonyinaboxĀ canceled?
No, I would never have the heart to give up on it, though itās been hard to be creative lately and moreso in recent weeks. Itās been a bit of an aimless ship with me as not...there as I once was. But Iād like to be there more...In the mean time to any Boxers reading this, if you could help get that short done in my absence itād be appreciated. Poke the VAs, get some assets that kinda thing...Iāll work on Bells of Fate Part II itās been a long way coming, but if I donāt get it done at some point I fear what itāll do to me.Ā
In anycase email me if you need anything.
Whatās Up With You?
Lots of things, complicated things. Not fun at all things, emotional things generally. Iāve been unproductive, lazy and generally all over the map for some time now, I think recent events just kinda pushed everything to a bit of a panicyĀ āTime to hide inside my shellā kind of climax? Still dealing with it, and not very well I might add. Thereās just...a bunch of stuff, Iām ashamed, scared, tired, and in that isolation phase of things I suppose.Ā
But Squeak People Care About You
I know, and Iām thankful for all of you. Your support is much appreciated
I canāt do this anymore
Hello, Squeak here, or at least, me. Iām me, and thatās something I donāt think I think about enough. Iām terribly maladjusted, lacking any sort of self esteem, spineless me. Just me. Nothing more nothing less, and in my head thereās this huge disconnect betweenĀ āMeā and anything else. Thereās a saying that every life is a world in its own, and I think my world is an uninhabitable. Itās never been, or at least not since I was small. Or maybe I just think itās not, but whether I think itās not or it actually is, the result is the same.Ā
I hide myself, I stay anonymous in the highest degree however, and wherever possible, because I donāt like me. Iāve never liked me. People like me, and thatās fine, and good, but despite any platitudes or genuine efforts. I donāt like me. Thus, I remain as distant from any real and corporeal contact with any other person as I can.Ā
I think I lost sight of me at some point. A long time ago, and I never really wanted to look for me again. But now, to state such confusing mentalities as this in the most confusing way possible, I must say that me has found me. And me is not good. Me has done a bad thing, a horrendously, inexcusably bad thing that no platitude can fix, no genuine effort can condone. And here I sit at night by myself thinking that....I really donāt know me. Do I? And if I donāt, how on earth can anyone else, especially when I build these walls upon walls upon walls between what is me behind my eyes, and what is me on the smiles andĀ āGood daysā andĀ āHellosā and āGoodbyesā that come forth every day.Ā
And...I donāt think I can do it anymore. I donāt think I can keep being...this me.Ā
Donāt worry, Iām not...thinking....that at the moment. This isnāt someĀ āLast hurrahā or āCall someoneā sort of emergency. I think itās just the subtle realization, and a quiet sort of terror, existential in nature, and gut wrenching in scope of my own enormous loneliness, and the added enormity of how Iāve fed and tended to it.Ā
I....canāt do that anymore. I canāt do this anymore. Itās all hollow, the lot of it, like me perhaps. Thereās nothing in here besides....Me.Ā
And Iām not my biggest fan, so to me, thereās nothing in there.Ā
Iām sorry, incredibly, wholeheartedly, achingly, blisteringly, savagely sorry. I canāt do this anymore.Ā
I deserve my own company. So Iām going to suffer it for what may be a long while. I am in no danger, from me, or anything else. Do not worry for me beyond the emotional spectrum, Iāve often said Iāve never had the courage to do anything physical to myself, but now I realize thatās a strength, and that strength will endure. Itās one of the few I can claim.Ā
Just...
God.
Iām Baaaaaaaaaaaccccccckkkkkk
PriĆØre pour les innocentsĀ by Xai
We here at Universeinthebox send our thoughts and love to the victims of the attack in France.In the aftermath of such attacks it is easy to turn to rage and hatred, but for now, we look to the people with love in their hearts and help on their minds as the world recovers. In this aftermath, all we can do is hope for france, hope people are safe, and will continue to be safe and that reason and love will win out over ignorance and fear.
We stand with the people of France, and hope for brighter days ahead.
Stray Ami 12 - Factory is Now Live!Ā
A Business report reaches the shores of America with a worry, a promise, and a plan.
Click the link above to head over to the website and listen. Enjoy the newest episode of Stray Ami! And for more check us out on,Itunes,Stitcher Feedburner Youtube and Soundcloud
GO LISTEN
Misprinted: Bright Disease: A Reading
Hey! You know that Novella I wrote a while back? Well its sequel Claws Sharp will be coming out quite soon! In the mean time, a wonderful fan of the book did this lovely reading, and even did cool little sound effect touches. So if you want to refresh your memory on Bright Disease before Claws Sharp drops, this is a wonderful way to do it!Ā
And if you havenāt read the book in the first place, this also serves as a lovely rendition, though you can buy it on Payhip and Amazon currently (Though you can get it cheaper on Payhip (Paywhatyouwant) and I get all the royalties in that case.Ā
Though if you do read it either way, a review on Amazon helps immensely! In anycase, enjoy the reading! I reccomend it, Christopher did lovely work.
Some Clarification
Thanks for all the asks and things. I feel thereās a bit of clarification needed for things.Ā
You may have noticed a slight uptick in depressed posts as of late. Thereās been a storm system in the area, and the lack of sunlight always depresses me a fair bit. But ontop of that there was something important that was supposed to happen today.Ā
Iām a rather private person, so I wonāt go into extreme detail. But thereās someone I know whoās...more than a friend. And Iāve known them for round about four years. We attempted to do this thing once last year, and I let my anxieties get the best of me and it fell through.Ā
We were supposed to give it another go today, on different terms, some time away from my own living space, and in another place. But..The pressure...it just...crushed me I think...I let my anxieties get the best of me again. I was supposed to wake up early, get all prepared then go, but I stayed up all night, slept longer than Iād intended, and decided to go straight there....but halfway...just like last year...I choked.Ā
And it hurts. And Iām pretty sure me choking hurts that person too. For the second time. Because of my anxieties. They tried so hard, and because Iām a neurotic mess, I just canāt seem to reciprocate in the way Iād like to.Ā
Also oh geeze, I realized halfway through writing this that it sounds like Iām talking about....that, but Iām not talking about anything racy...just a meeting really...something so infinitely simple and Iām just...
I donāt know. Iām going to lay down for a long time now.Ā
Thanks to everyone though.Ā
Blew it.
Fell asleep, woke up, got most of the way there, panicked, blew it.
Itās over, If I am needed Iāll be in the corner wishing there was a pain killer for this. Emails would probably be the best way to get in contact.
Offers hugs and a friendly ear
Gah! I donāt know, something reeealllly important is supposed to happen today, with people I reeeaaallly care about and thereās a lot of pressure and thereās so much to do. And if I get something wrong itās going to be horrible, and Iāve been up all night, and Iām short of breath and gaaahhh....
I donāt know, you ever have one of those pivotal moments, and you are infinitely aware that your life is going to shift in some fashion depending on what you do? Itās one of those, and Iāve been so depressed lately, and with this kind of looming sense of hopelessness itās hard to think clearly. Iām all sad and anxious and worried andĀ
blarg...