Squeak's Office

In Which fics are posted, and perhaps some other stuff too.

[squeakthewritepony]

Well that’s helpful

[squeakthewritepony]

I need to find a way to put my heart into things again. 

I’m sorry this Tumblr has turned into a sad disney image every few months, but that seems to be where I’m at.

[squeakthewritepony]

I’m so sad

Just...all the time. I try to work on things, but the world is underwater and I can’t breathe.

[squeakthewritepony]

I Feel....

Numb I suppose, I need to make things to be happy, but making things hasn’t made me happy for some time...maybe I should make something new? Something unburdened and free? But would that be a betrayal of the past that has buoyed me up to make new things?

I should talk to people. I really should, but there’s a tight anxiety in my chest and it won’t go away. It’s a little painful.

[squeakthewritepony]

Blarglefarble

So, my power was out for....wow a really long time, after that Hurrican, but it’s been back for a bit and...I’ve made no attempts to so much as turn on my laptop...watch TV....read a book...I’ve just kinda...lain in bed...inert and unmoving besides dragging myself to work and back. 

It’s been so long since I did anything creatively, so long since I’ve truely engaged with anyone besides a select few. I need to get back to life, come back to life really. I mean I’m alive currently obviously but a I living? That’s the question. I can’t seem to focus on anything, or imagine the future more complexly than a few days ahead at a time. Attempts to pour myself into things the way I used to end up spilled over the floor, like my ideas are all full of holes. I know they’re not, but the illusion that they are is so strong I can’t seem to fight it, and lately it’s just...hard to get up in the morning. 

I think the logical disconnect between myself and what I should be doing, and the  bleary haze that’s settled over everything is becoming stronger rather than weaker, and I apologize for my lack of presence. I’m just..having a hard time I guess. 

Blarblefable. 

[neil-gaiman]

The purpose of the coat: Terry Pratchett’s memorial.

After I read my piece, Rob Wilkins presented me with a hat that Terry had left me.

[squeakthewritepony]

...

[squeakthewritepony]

A Few Things

Thank you everyone for the kind words, I’m sorry for the relative radio silence on all fronts. I kinda....fell away from everything I guess? I haven’t quite had the courage to go in and try being me again....and I kinda still don’t? 

BUT, here’s a few things. 

Is Doctor Whooves Adventures/Ponyinabox canceled?

No, I would never have the heart to give up on it, though it’s been hard to be creative lately and moreso in recent weeks. It’s been a bit of an aimless ship with me as not...there as I once was. But I’d like to be there more...In the mean time to any Boxers reading this, if you could help get that short done in my absence it’d be appreciated. Poke the VAs, get some assets that kinda thing...I’ll work on Bells of Fate Part II it’s been a long way coming, but if I don’t get it done at some point I fear what it’ll do to me. 

In anycase email me if you need anything.

What’s Up With You?

Lots of things, complicated things. Not fun at all things, emotional things generally. I’ve been unproductive, lazy and generally all over the map for some time now, I think recent events just kinda pushed everything to a bit of a panicy ‘Time to hide inside my shell’ kind of climax? Still dealing with it, and not very well I might add. There’s just...a bunch of stuff, I’m ashamed, scared, tired, and in that isolation phase of things I suppose. 

But Squeak People Care About You

I know, and I’m thankful for all of you. Your support is much appreciated

[squeakthewritepony]

[squeakthewritepony]

I can’t do this anymore

Hello, Squeak here, or at least, me. I’m me, and that’s something I don’t think I think about enough. I’m terribly maladjusted, lacking any sort of self esteem, spineless me. Just me. Nothing more nothing less, and in my head there’s this huge disconnect between ‘Me’ and anything else. There’s a saying that every life is a world in its own, and I think my world is an uninhabitable. It’s never been, or at least not since I was small. Or maybe I just think it’s not, but whether I think it’s not or it actually is, the result is the same. 

I hide myself, I stay anonymous in the highest degree however, and wherever possible, because I don’t like me. I’ve never liked me. People like me, and that’s fine, and good, but despite any platitudes or genuine efforts. I don’t like me. Thus, I remain as distant from any real and corporeal contact with any other person as I can. 

I think I lost sight of me at some point. A long time ago, and I never really wanted to look for me again. But now, to state such confusing mentalities as this in the most confusing way possible, I must say that me has found me. And me is not good. Me has done a bad thing, a horrendously, inexcusably bad thing that no platitude can fix, no genuine effort can condone. And here I sit at night by myself thinking that....I really don’t know me. Do I? And if I don’t, how on earth can anyone else, especially when I build these walls upon walls upon walls between what is me behind my eyes, and what is me on the smiles and ‘Good days’ and ‘Hellos’ and ‘Goodbyes’ that come forth every day. 

And...I don’t think I can do it anymore. I don’t think I can keep being...this me. 

Don’t worry, I’m not...thinking....that at the moment. This isn’t some ‘Last hurrah’ or ‘Call someone’ sort of emergency. I think it’s just the subtle realization, and a quiet sort of terror, existential in nature, and gut wrenching in scope of my own enormous loneliness, and the added enormity of how I’ve fed and tended to it. 

I....can’t do that anymore. I can’t do this anymore. It’s all hollow, the lot of it, like me perhaps. There’s nothing in here besides....Me. 

And I’m not my biggest fan, so to me, there’s nothing in there. 

I”m sorry, incredibly, wholeheartedly, achingly, blisteringly, savagely sorry. I can’t do this anymore. 

I deserve my own company. So I’m going to suffer it for what may be a long while. I am in no danger, from me, or anything else. Do not worry for me beyond the emotional spectrum, I’ve often said I’ve never had the courage to do anything physical to myself, but now I realize that’s a strength, and that strength will endure. It’s one of the few I can claim. 

Just...

God.

[squeakthewritepony]

I’m Baaaaaaaaaaaccccccckkkkkk

[squeakthewritepony]

[universeinthebox]

Prière pour les innocents by Xai

We here at Universeinthebox send our thoughts and love to the victims of the attack in France.In the aftermath of such attacks it is easy to turn to rage and hatred, but for now, we look to the people with love in their hearts and help on their minds as the world recovers. In this aftermath, all we can do is hope for france, hope people are safe, and will continue to be safe and that reason and love will win out over ignorance and fear.

We stand with the people of France, and hope for brighter days ahead.

[universeinthebox]

Stray Ami 12 - Factory is Now Live! 

A Business report reaches the shores of America with a worry, a promise, and a plan.

Click the link above to head over to the website and listen. Enjoy the newest episode of Stray Ami! And for more check us out on,Itunes,Stitcher Feedburner Youtube and Soundcloud

[squeakthewritepony]

GO LISTEN

[squeakthewritepony]

Misprinted: Bright Disease: A Reading

Hey! You know that Novella I wrote a while back? Well its sequel Claws Sharp will be coming out quite soon! In the mean time, a wonderful fan of the book did this lovely reading, and even did cool little sound effect touches. So if you want to refresh your memory on Bright Disease before Claws Sharp drops, this is a wonderful way to do it! 

And if you haven’t read the book in the first place, this also serves as a lovely rendition, though you can buy it on Payhip and Amazon currently (Though you can get it cheaper on Payhip (Paywhatyouwant) and I get all the royalties in that case. 

Though if you do read it either way, a review on Amazon helps immensely! In anycase, enjoy the reading! I reccomend it, Christopher did lovely work.

[squeakthewritepony]

Some Clarification

Thanks for all the asks and things. I feel there’s a bit of clarification needed for things. 

You may have noticed a slight uptick in depressed posts as of late. There’s been a storm system in the area, and the lack of sunlight always depresses me a fair bit. But ontop of that there was something important that was supposed to happen today. 

I’m a rather private person, so I won’t go into extreme detail. But there’s someone I know who’s...more than a friend. And I’ve known them for round about four years. We attempted to do this thing once last year, and I let my anxieties get the best of me and it fell through. 

We were supposed to give it another go today, on different terms, some time away from my own living space, and in another place. But..The pressure...it just...crushed me I think...I let my anxieties get the best of me again. I was supposed to wake up early, get all prepared then go, but I stayed up all night, slept longer than I’d intended, and decided to go straight there....but halfway...just like last year...I choked. 

And it hurts. And I’m pretty sure me choking hurts that person too. For the second time. Because of my anxieties. They tried so hard, and because I’m a neurotic mess, I just can’t seem to reciprocate in the way I’d like to. 

Also oh geeze, I realized halfway through writing this that it sounds like I’m talking about....that, but I’m not talking about anything racy...just a meeting really...something so infinitely simple and I’m just...

I don’t know. I’m going to lay down for a long time now. 

Thanks to everyone though. 

[squeakthewritepony]

Blew it.

Fell asleep, woke up, got most of the way there, panicked, blew it.

It’s over, If I am needed I’ll be in the corner wishing there was a pain killer for this. Emails would probably be the best way to get in contact.

[squeakthewritepony]

Offers hugs and a friendly ear

Gah! I don’t know, something reeealllly important is supposed to happen today, with people I reeeaaallly care about and there’s a lot of pressure and there’s so much to do. And if I get something wrong it’s going to be horrible, and I’ve been up all night, and I’m short of breath and gaaahhh....

I don’t know, you ever have one of those pivotal moments, and you are infinitely aware that your life is going to shift in some fashion depending on what you do? It’s one of those, and I’ve been so depressed lately, and with this kind of looming sense of hopelessness it’s hard to think clearly. I’m all sad and anxious and worried and 

blarg...