Squirrels and Whales

[squirrels-and-whales]

It’s been a minute.

I got through the surgery and it went remarkably well overall. My surgeon admitted how worried everyone was about me and whether they’d do me harm.

I can walk but I do use a wheelchair for any long distances/if I will need to be standing for a long time which is limiting but 1000% better than actually being paralysed. 

I’m also still off work. I need to have at least two more (much smaller) surgeries and I also can no longer pee (is this too much information?) so back and forth between here and Toronto lots.

Today marks two months since the surgery and I am feeling a bit bummed that I am not doing more. I look okay and so I feel like I should be doing more. It’s wild how much productivity is tied to worth.

But also, the loss of my mom hit HARD in May. I was so focused on what we had to get through and then I was on some pretty strong painkillers but once those things lifted the grief came in like a flood (which we also had -  our newly renovated basement was destroyed days after I returned from the hospital so that was something we didn’t need…)

I’m not the mom I want to be. I can’t physically do the things I want to (like small things, even walking the kids to school) and I have no resilience or patience. I am not able to do all the lovely connecting activities that I enjoy and are good for them (crayfish catching in the river, hiking, hours at the park etc.) and we are all suffering for it.  I’m meeting with a somatic therapist mid-June for a consultation and I’m hoping it’ll be a good fit. My kids have a month left of school but I’d like to be in a better place mentally (if not physically) by the time they are off. I want to enjoy my summer with them. I am not usually off during the summer so this is kind of a silver lining to all the medical things. 

My mom’s Celebration of Life is also at the end of June so it seems like a big month. Hopefully a good one. 

Thanks for all the kind messages. I am a quieter presence on this site but have been here 12 years. You really are all pals.

[squirrels-and-whales]

In the hospital tonight.

The biggie is happening tomorrow. They are very concerned that this surgery will lead to paralysis (but as the surgeon said tonight, not getting the surgery is a certain death sentence). Today they put a spinal drain in. It's 38cm long! This is wild to me. I can see my spinal fluid dripping next to me. It's perfectly clear as it should be but it's also wild to me that a fluid from inside my body can be absolutely colourless.

It feels like I've met the entire surgical team. I keep telling people I would like them to go home and sleep. I need a well rested team! It is really nice how thorough they are being

Everyone keeps telling me how complicated this surgery is.. apparently it's the most complicated kind that they do here. I feel like they can stop doing that. I'm here. I'm having the surgery. I don't need to hear anything else about it at this point.

This has been the worst month. My mom died, I had the minor preparatory surgery. My sister received a likely lymphoma diagnosis and now I am having the TAAA+ surgery. I'm ready for things to turn a corner.

My in-laws flew in from the UK to stay with my children. I'm sad for my kids..they've been through the wringer too. My MIL also has cancer and seriously looks unwell. It's all a bit too much!.

Hopefully I'll be updating you all in a couple of weeks with a bright outlook. Bring on spring and healing please!

[squirrels-and-whales]

Was out running errands to get ready to be out of commission for weeks upon weeks. I will be missing easter so want to get my kids baskets all done and the eggs all stuffed so that my inlaws can play the easter bunny etc. And while I was out, I got two hospital calls.

One from hematology as I have a history of both bleeding too much but also of forming blood clots too readily. So it’s complicated. They set up an appointment for today.

And then one telling me that I have to go to Toronto tomorrow for a blood infusion as I am very anemic.

So I am losing my last ‘free’ day before my surgery and I am sad about it. I was going to go thrifting for kid’s summer clothes and get my bedroom all spick and span. And now I will be driving for hours and getting poked and generally feeling like a patient rather than a real person. And it’s fine. I am glad people are making good decisions to make me well but I am sad and annoyed.  

[squirrels-and-whales]

Shit is getting real.

I had my pre-op appointments yesterday. It’s so weird being known in the hospital setting. It’s a HUGE hospital and yet people remember me from previous encounters/surgeries. That always surprises me. I’m like a mini celebrity. But not for good reasons…but because my case is so complicated.

I found out that delirium is likely post-surgery. I’ve experienced that before and it’s scary for everyone. They aren’t going to let me sleep for more than an hour at a time for the first 48 hours post-surgery as the risk of paralysis is too high. They need to make sure I can move my legs and will be closely monitoring my spinal fluid and draining it hourly as well. It’s all so strange. I FEEL perfectly FINE right now. And in a week’s time I’ll be a mess.

This surgery is also so specialized that the surgery team is always the exact same people like down to even the blood services people. They are a well-oiled machine. I know I am in good hands. And yet, I’d rather just not.

My in-laws are arriving Sunday. They will stay with the children which is great and I am grateful but it’s hard too. I wish it was MY mom who was staying with them. But I am so grateful that this allows my husband to stay with me in Toronto.

It’s so hard on my children. I hate that I am doing this to them. My daughter (12 years old) told my son (7 years old) that I might die. And I might. But I really do have the very best doctors looking after me. Which is what we’ve told our kids. But this will be third major surgery in 18 months. Plus my mom just died. And my best friend dying of cancer two years ago (with his young children being friends with my kids). It’s heavy times. They are more than aware that the worst can and does happen.

[squirrels-and-whales]

Overdue update.

My mom did die. We were lucky enough to be able to transfer to the residential hospice here in town. It is a seriously magical place that took such good care of all of us. My mom was never really awake in hospice but it was still so human. They put her in a proper nightie instead of a hospital gown. There were handmade quilts for the bed. We had a pull out bed available to us in my mom’s room. Everyone was so incredibly kind. There was good coffee in proper mugs and homemade food available to us all. At one point we were watching the Olympic hockey game and a really nice volunteer brought us freshly baked warm scones. It really did feel like a warm hug enveloping us the entire time. My sister, dad, and I stayed around the clock which was so nice.

The morning my mom died, the three of us were sitting around her bed drinking our coffee together, chitchatting and with a bright winter sun shining through the big bay windows. It was such a peaceful moment, and I wish everyone could have such a gentle peaceful death.

And I miss her. Terribly.

My mom died on a Tuesday, we had her burial on the Thursday, and my rescheduled surgery was on the following Monday. It’s been a whirlwind.

This surgery was a ‘pre-surgery’ to make the big BIG surgery safer. They basically stopped blood flow to my spine by placing metal coils in my arteries. This will help my spine from not going into shock during the big surgery. For some reason I didn’t think this would hurt (it was just day surgery!) but I was wrong! It hurt a lot. But I am doing okay now.

My surgery date is April 1st (total joke from my mom I’m sure…she had a history of making inappropriate April Fools jokes) but I am being admitted the day before to have spinal drains placed.

The big surgery is a Thoracoabdominal Aortic Aneurysm (TAAA) repair. Made extra complicated by all my previous aortic surgeries. They actually access the aorta from the back and wrap around to the front.

I was going to post a picture but I think it’s too graphic. It will be an intense recovery.

It’s weird living in this inbetween. I don’t think I’ll actually be able to fully grieve for my mom until after all this is over. I mean I am grieving but the full reality of everything won’t hit until later or else I woudn’t be able to function at all right now.

It’s March Break for my kids. My daughter is in a girls rock band camp which is amazing. And I am just hanging out with my little guy. We went to a museum yesterday with friends and today we might go to a public swim.

The rest of my time is all being spent on the administrative tasks that need to be done when someone dies (it’s a lot!) and to get ready for my surgery (taxes done!).

Strange, strange days.

[squirrels-and-whales]

My mom is dying. Probably tonight. I'm not sure how I am supposed to be in this world without her.

I'm also having a series of three (maybe four) major cardiac and vascular surgeries. Starting Friday. How am I supposed to face that without my mom's support? She's gone down hill so quickly. This time last week I didn't think we'd be here.

A moment of levity - my mom's been pretty in and out of it all day. My husband walked into the room tonight and she perked right up. Her clearest lucidity all day! So he is clearly the favourite.

[squirrels-and-whales]

Had my appointment in Toronto yesterday. Came away feeling a bit shell shocked. Obviously, I know how serious things are but it’s more unsettling when the head of vascular surgery and the head of cardiac surgery both stress the complexity of what needs to happen. It’s also hard when neither actually knows the best course of action. There is going to be a case conference to make a plan and determine risks/benefits as well as more testing to determine what my body can handle. The risks are high but not doing anything will be fatal…but paraplegia was talked about as well as how invasive the surgery will likely be.

All hard to wrap my head around when I generally feel fine. Other than walking distances is tricky. I told my husband I am going to revel in feeling good in my body while I can. Kind of like how you don’t appreciate being able to breathe clearly until you get the flu and get all congested. I so appreciate being able to roll over in bed or put on my own socks and countless other things right now while I can.

I haven’t been at work since the end of October when I went off for my hernia repair. My employer has a very generous short term sick leave, so I’ve been getting paid 100% of my salary since then but that expires this month. I was hoping to go back to work for even a couple of weeks to reset this sick leave and get another three months off with full pay, but my surgeon would rather I stay off. I spent today filling out the long-term disability forms. Again, I’m lucky this is an option but the administration part of being sick is exhausting.

My friends and family are all noting how normal and ‘okay’ I seem. It’s kind of impossible not to be. I was shaken for a couple of hours yesterday and then reverted back to the status quo mood wise cause there is no other choice…especially when you have kids. I’m calling this healthy dissociation.

By the way, did you know that Toronto General Hospital is ranked the third best hospital in the world (after the Mayo and Cleveland Clinics)? And it’s the #1 publicly funded hospital. When I moved back to Canada after first realizing I had health problems I knew I needed to be close to Toronto and I am so glad I am. Even though this is all scary, I do feel like I am in great hands. That’s not a small thing at all.

[squirrels-and-whales]

Time for my yearly post about health woes. I bore myself.

Following my big surgery in November 2024 I developed an incisional hernia (basically a hernia caused by abdominal surgery). I had surgery to repair the hernia at the end of October 2025 which was brutal for a ‘routine’ surgery. I just wasn’t getting better and could hardly walk more than 20 steps. Getting ready for the holidays was a write off for me (happily, my husband made Christmas magic happen) and I’ve hardly left the house in months. In the last few weeks, I have been slowly walking further so I was finally thinking I was over the worst of it.

On NYE I had a CT scan scheduled to see what was causing the walking issues as hernia surgery certainly shouldn’t have. The whole family came to the CT scan as we thought we’d be in and out (and since I was slowly getting better, I didn’t think they’d see anything on the scan) and then get on with our NYE plans. (The plans being nachos and family trivial pursuit as again, I basically haven’t been leaving the house!).

My poor kids, but the CT scan turned into immediate admission to the ER and then to the ICU. I got to do the NYE countdown with medical professionals. People were unbelievably kind to me – but that’s what happens when a scheduled CT scan finds an aortic dissection and an aneurysm that has doubled in size since September. I had no symptoms at all of these. They also discovered a blockage in my previous iliac aneurysm repair which explains why walking was an issue.

I was in the ICU for four days. I kept startling people cause they would read my file and expect someone who looked/acted unwell and I felt totally fine. They have been keeping my heartrate and blood pressure artificially low, and I see my vascular surgeon tomorrow in Toronto. He’s kind of a superstar. When I asked the on-call vascular surgeon at my local regional hospital if she’d talked to his team she said, “Oh, no I don’t know Dr. F…but I wish I did!” which was kind of adorable.

I know I am SO lucky that they discovered these issues as a sort of incidental finding. But I don’t want yet ANOTHER major surgery. My body is exhausted. This will be my 3rd major surgery in like 14 months. Since 2019 it is my 5th. For the vascular surgeries, I hadn’t had one of these previously since 2011 so I’m not sure why my body is no longer co-operating. Before adopting my kids, the cardiologist did all sorts of sign offs attesting to my overall health. I guess this is the 40s…

It feels so weird going through personal crisis while the world is so dark and falling apart and during such a dreary time of the year. Everything is grey.

Seems like a few of us are going through things right now. Really everyone.

[squirrels-and-whales]

Antibiotics are magic. Three doses in and I already feel so much better. I feel so much more like myself and hopeful again.

I'm looking forward to Christmas and that is the best feeling of all!

[squirrels-and-whales]

Happy Solstice. I spent the day in the emergency room.

I'm feeling so frustrated that this recovery is taking so long. And now I have a kidney infection. I feel validated that my pain is 'real' and I'm not just being a complainer but I wish I simply wasn't in any pain at all. I have new antibiotics and additional morphine.

I cried when I talked to the doctor. I was trying to explain how irritable I've been and how I just want to be a good mom to my kids.

The kids have been wonderful. Lots of side cuddles and helpfulness but these are the magic years (5 and 10) and I feel like I'm missing out. All I've been able to do is watch Christmas movies with them. We are going to go for a drive to see lights soon. I hope it's enough. My husband is also making magic (made sure they were ready for all the theme days last week, got the teacher gifts ready, baking with the kids) but I want to do those things too.

Oh and eating is the worst. I can get two or three spoonfuls in and then I'm done. During this season of feasting food brings me no joy and I am sad about that too.

Anyway, hopefully the antibiotics work quickly and I'll stop moaning on here.

[squirrels-and-whales]

I've been home for a week now and it's been really, really nice. The house is all decorated for Christmas and super cozy and it's been so good to be with the children (and for them to still be in school too so I can get rest).

It was all kind of idyllic until tonight.

My kindergartener came home without his snow boots and for whatever reason I lost it. Like full on sobbing and feeling like the worst person ever.

I feel like such a burden on everyone as I still need constant help and can't actually do anything around the house. My risk of bleeding is very high so my husband doesn't even want me to walk up or down stairs unassisted.

To be clear - no one has made me feel like a burden it's all me and my interior voice.

I don't know why the lost snow boots derailed me but they did. I can't do anything about them. I feel like I can't even help with the basic needs of my kids.

I just feel like such a weight on everyone. I cried so hard tonight that my whole abdomen aches and then had to have the damn blood thinner injection.

I just wish I could do more (or really anything). I just wish I could take a break from being unwell. All I do is sleep and sit up with the family.

My husband reminded me that I said I'd go through this (it happens with every surgery) but it doesn't make it easier. I hate the feelings of worthlessness. Like I should never have gotten married etc as I'm no good to anyone.

Even writing here feels like I'm being a complainer.

I hope the feeling passes soon.

[squirrels-and-whales]

Well it's been a rollercoaster of post surgical hospital stay. I came in for surgery on November 25th and am still here! I really, really hope I can go home tomorrow (December 9th) but a lot of that will depend on a scan I have today.

Surgery itself went okay. Although in the surgical prep area my husband and I overheard a bunch of doctors talking about how complicated my surgery was....which wasn't helpful. Especially as the prior surgery was a kidney transplant.

More felt for my husband and sister (my parents were home with my kids) that day as I went to the operating theatre about 7:30am and they didn't get to see me till 11:30pm! What a long, long day for them!

Next couple of days I don't remember much. I did become delirious from pain meds at one point which was again scary for my family.

Next I developed a C. diff infection which was awful. Like terrible, no good, bad in every way. Such such pain.

Pain management throughout has been awful. I am restricted from many types of meds due to my condition so finding a combination that works took forever.

After the infection started to clear up I was still experiencing a lot of focal pain so got sent for a CT. The CT didn't show any specific cause of pain (likely just deep bruising) but did have an incidental finding of an 'ugly' blood clot at my graft site. This was scary as I've actually become temporarily paralyzed from a blood clot before and of course the risk of stroke. So I am glad it was found but also so sad it's delayed my stay. There was lots of talk about whether there should be a surgical removal or treatment with blood thinners. They decided to start with blood thinners so I've been on them for awhile now. I guess my scan today will determine whether I can go home tomorrow (with self injecting blood thinners) or have to stay and possibly have a second surgery.

I really, really want to go home. I miss my kids so much. I miss my bodily autonomy and privacy. I miss my husband (who I sent home this week asvtye kids needed him more) and bed and Christmas tree and real life.

I'm still in pain but I know I'll feel so much better in my own space.

Friends and neighbours have been amazing to my family. There is a meal train and today they've been invited to make gingerbread houses at a neighbours home. The kind of neighbour that does everything from scratch. I hope my kids have felt surrounded by love.

Anyway, please send good wishes that I get to go home tomorrow. It's my husband's birthday (happy birthday to him, 😂).

[squirrels-and-whales]

One week till surgery.

I have this week off to get my life together. Meeting a friend for lunch today and doing some errands afterward.

Some to-dos for this week:

Trying to get every piece of laundry, bedding, towels etc. washed to make my husbands life easier post surgery.

Want to fully clean out my bedroom so it's a comfortable place to be - we had a giant renovation this summer and sort of lived out of our bedroom for awhile (had a make shift kitchen set up in the office etc.) and have not fully put everything back into place.

Wrap all Christmas presents - make sure we are all set. I need something else for my husband.

Order husbands birthday cake and arrange with my friend to drop it off. His birthday is in December and I want him to feel special even if he's needs are subsumed with being my caregiver.

Get all the winter stuff out. Already bought new snowsuits but haven't gotten all the mitts, hats, etc. organized. Wild that it's late November and we haven't needed any of these things.

Grocery shop for easy to prepare food. My parents will stay with my kids for at least a week while I'm in hospital and my husband is staying in Toronto with me.

Write out a document of instructions for my parents.

Buy and wrap two sets of birthday presents for the kids who have birthday parties to attend. I want their lives to be as normal as possible while I am under.

Deep clean the house.

Cook up a bunch of Christmas treats.

It's really strange not knowing how long I'm predicted to be in hospital. Could be a week, could be 10 days, could be weeks.

It's also strange cause I feel absolutely fine right now. Like I can do all my usual things - no pain, fatigue, symptoms etc. and I know I will feel much, much worse after. I think most people go into surgery feeling awful and then the surgery is a relief (even if you are healing.) It was like that when I had my hysterectomy. This is so different.

[squirrels-and-whales]

Had my pre-op/pre-admission today. Full day in Toronto including nearly three hours driving home due to Swift mayhem (twice the time it should have taken). It was fun seeing all the outfits though!

I'm mostly doing okay but this is not a minor surgery. When the experts are like "this is a doozy" you know it must be. I mean, they see things all the time. Nothing routine about this one.

Did almost yell at a number of people for not wearing masks properly...in the f'n hospital. If you have it on under your nose what's even the point? I kept it together...but yelling at strangers (or wanting to) lets me know maybe Im more stressed than I realize.

[squirrels-and-whales]

Writing my last post made me feel much better. I get why people actually share consistently around here.

It’s November – the countdown is now officially on until my surgery on November 25th. It was also my last day in the office as I am working remotely for the next two weeks to avoid getting sick. I work with university students, and they are universally germy. Student housing will do that.

It was weird carrying out my office plants and a many of my personal effects. I won’t be back in the office until March at the earliest!

October was great. I kept very busy including throwing my five year old the Halloween party of his dreams (there were games! And food! And decorations!). It was definitely a coping mechanism to keep myself distracted…but hopefully a healthy one?

This weekend is all about getting the Christmas decorations up. I like doing that early anyway as it’s such a dark time of the year…this year more so than most. But also, I need to have all Christmas things in place before surgery. Will get everything all wrapped up (jokes!) before going into the hospital. I kind of love doing that so I am glad I am giving myself enough time to get everything done and to still enjoy it.

My older kid is having an after school playdate right now and having two neurodivergent kids on a playdate is kind of hilarious – moving from activity to activity in record speed. We actually just encouraged screentime so that they’d settle…with a huge bin of lego to keep them engaged. Honestly the sweetest pair of 10 year olds though.

Happy Friday.

[squirrels-and-whales]

Today is hard.

(Under a cut as I talk about death and medical things.)

It’s been one year since my very dear friend died of cancer at 39. He and I met at 14 and were instant best friends (along with two others – we were nerds and called ourselves the ‘Core Four’) until the end. He left behind three little ones – the youngest was only six months when he died and the oldest was seven. He moved to Nebraska (where is wife is from) but came back to Canada to die so I was fortunate to be able to spend a lot of time with him and his family in the last month and a half of his life. This season has brought up a lot of feelings and processing.

Not least of which is my own health stuff – I have a connective tissue disorder and form aneurysms throughout my body. I didn’t know about this at all until I was 24 and had emergency AAA repair while living overseas away from my family. My 20s were all about major surgeries with my last ‘big surgery’ in 2011 (open heart surgery of my aortic root). (I’ve had other surgeries in the meantime – a partial mastectomy and total hysterectomy but these seem smaller in comparison to my vascular surgeries even though both came with cancer scares).

I have found the last year tricky as I definitely have survivors’ guilt – I’m the ‘sick’ one and yet here I am. Another person from the Core Four has type 1 diabetes and we’d dark humour our way through - joking around about being ‘on borrowed’ time. And it’s true. Without life saving medicine I’d have been dead at 24 and he at 6…but instead it was our beautiful, generous, loving friend dead at 39.

And now, well after a decade of no vascular surgery I am having another major one (likely the most major one to date) in November. I’ve been good at dissociating (cause what else can I do?) but I am scared – not so much for the surgery itself (my surgeon is top notch – like #1 vascular surgeon in Canada)…but how my life might change. And I feel guilt because at least I’m still here. And then I feel guilt that I am making this about myself.

The surgeon did say ‘you aren’t in your 20s anymore) and the potential complications are high. Will I be able to return to work? Will I be able to parent my children the way they deserve? Will I be a burden on my husband?

But I’m here…and my friend is not.

[rocatex-deactivated20260317]

Do you donate blood

Multiple times in the past 12 months

Multiple times, not in past 12 months

Once in past 12 months

Once, not in past 12 months

Never

I am a vampire

Voting ended onAug 20, 2024

[squirrels-and-whales]

I can't as I'm a recipient (and was when I lived in England too, and mad cow is still a worry...but the rules in Canada have recently relaxed). Anyway, a category about whether you've received donated blood would be interesting too!