Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch @squirrelx7 - Tumblr Blog

Drive: the JJ story (JJ's perspective)

I play league of legends because I like shit thrown into my face.

My name is James John Keogh and some people know me as “doublej”. I’m a silver 5 tier pro player.

I’m from Long Island but I like to believe my origins come from Mexico. I had a hard early life, my parents lied to me and wouldn’t confirm my Mexican citizen ship which lead me to forget about my true culture for a while. Until I saw a shirt, a shirt I would never take off for the rest of my life, My Green Mexico shirt. Once I had found out my true identity I became a league player. Like all other people I started bronze but unlike other players and what makes me different than them is that after two years of hard work I still play like a bronze. It’s been a rough couple of years but I had one person help me through it Derek.

When Derek confessed to me my response was “tfw youre both gay” and we’ve been in a healthy relationship since. We say league inspired kinky stuff like “its mating season” by nidalee and -what I’m not supposed to say that stuff? but… Fine.. Turns out Riot is still Hitler even when interviewing people.

I spend all my money on skins for league of legends. Riot said if I did this interview I’d get a free chroma pack so I guess that’s cool.

Allauh Akbar

Was what was written on the note. The ink on the note was starting to become unreadable due to the grease coming off of Mark’s finger tips. Marky himself could solve the world’s energy crisis if he would just collect all the grease his body emits and use it as energy. Marky walked over to the bar to deal with his sadness.

“What do you want to drink… Uhh… Pal…?” The bartender asked the whale in front of him.

“I’ll take a cold, on the rocks, mountain dew”

“Uhh sure..”

The bartender came back with a mountain dew, the drink of neckbeards and call of duty fanboys. Mark took a sip and instantly felt a warm enjoyable liquid come from his nether regions where no woman has ever dared to tread and never will. After finishing in his pants and finishing his drink, Mark took a deep, heavy, breathe and instantly without Markys knowledge the bartender fainted. Marky stood up and headed towards the sad Scott.

Scott stood there looking at a picture of Neil Degrasse Tyson as a way to comfort himself. All the Bill Nye books and posters have been burned. He particularly didn’t care about the arcade because he had insurance on the arcade. But the posters they were all gone.

Mark comforted Scott by saying “I’m sorry if my Annie and Ahri hentai poster and my homura posters were destroyed-” Do you think the layers of semen on the posters would protect them? I don’t know, I’m not a scientist.“-I wouldn’t want to live anymore” No ones knows how you live in the first place.

“ I cant take it anymore,I’m going to get out of this town” Scott says hesitantly. “I’m going to go to college”

“Are you sure?” says GayJ as he puts his arm around Derek.

“Yeah” Scott says as he leaves the bowling alley, with no sounds besides Mark’s breathing and “we dem Boyz” coming from the party section.

Hol up, we dem boyz Hol up, we dem boyz Hol up, hol up, hol up, we makin' noise Hol up, hol up, we dem boyz Hol up, we dem boyz Hol up, we dem boyz Hol up, hol up, hol up, we makin' noise Hol up, hol up, we dem boyz Hol up, hol up, hol up, pop a bottle Hol up, hol up, hol up, if you suck and swallow Smell that marijuana, they gon' follow Throwin money on her like she won the lotto Pussy must be serious Scared of heights come face your fears Do it just like nicki go on n bend it over Say she never smoked I turned her to a stoner Young nigga but I'm ready Oh, foreign girls call me sexy And white girls gimme becky But first I gotta roll this joint Hol up, hol up Hol up, we dem boyz Hol up, we dem boyz Hol up, hol up, hol up, we makin' noise Hol up, hol up, we dem boyz Hol up, we dem boyz Hol up, we dem boyz Hol up, hol up, hol up, we makin' noise Hol up, hol up, we dem boyz Hol up, hol up, hol up, you drive me crazy Number 1, bitch you can't replace Leave the club these hoes be tryin to chase me You got a ass so fat lets make a baby Damn, I'm smokin weed in my mercedes Hol up, these niggas broke, these niggas lazy Man they money slim, they actin shady I'm in my brand new car, who wanna race? Ho? So why you showin up? I'm takin them shots all my niggas stay loaded up Man on the low all these be actin so material Hol up, man did you see her interior Hol up, we dem boyz Hol up, we dem boyz Hol up, hol up, hol up, we makin' noise Hol up, hol up, we dem boyz Hol up, we dem boyz Hol up, we dem boyz Hol up, hol up, hol up, we makin' noise Hol up, hol up, we dem boyz

The Bowling Alley

Marky and Scott arrived at the bowling alley looking for Daniel, also known as butters. Marky casually slides on his grease towards the counter in what he thinks is a cool fashion.

Mark looks at the person that gives out bowling shoes.”What up shoe bitch, have you seen butters?” The shoe bitch looks at mark with disgust and wonders (what the hell did society do to him to become like this) He brushes off the rudeness.

“The names Jeremy, and I don’t know maybe a little compensation might make me think harder” Mark looks at Jeremy and nods and reaches into his pocket to take out an item. Mark slides the Peach amiiboo towards Jeremy.

“Does that tickle your pickle?” Jeremy nods and points toward lane 20. As Marky leaves the counter he mentions “Oh its straight from Japan”.

Marky adjusts his fedora and smells his breath. He walks towards butters’ lane and gives him a nod. Marky then proceeds, for whatever reason, to take off his shirt and uses his body grease to propel him down the bowling lane to get a strike, but what actually happens is that he goes off to the side and destroys the bumper and starts bleeding. He gets up and grabs his fedora and limps over to butters. “hey, whats up dan”

“Shut up fool, its butters here on the lane.”

“I’m sorry, butters, can you help Scott and I out with some extra business”

“I don’t know mang, whats the business?”

“Dank kush”. Butters sucks his teeth and shakes his head.

“Do you know how dangerous that business is. I know this one foo-”

“Listen, there are other ways to make money than to sell danky kush, you could even make a sextape”

“Fine we’ll do it on our own then we don’t need you” Marky waddles away towards Scott who was standing by the counter, alone.

“I guess I can sell the arcade and get an office job and wor-”

“NO” Marky slams his fist and then regrets it and rubs it while saying “Look you aren’t selling the arcade we are going to save it, aw this really hurts. M’kasa?” Marky looks around with no response from Mikasa.

Scott looks at Marky and says “We left her at the arcade remember?”

“Whatever maybe some other people here might be willing to join us in our quest” Mark and Scott stand still, with only the sound of Mark’s heavy breathing being heard for a while, until Scott remembers something.

“Oh yeah Derek told me that he had a bowling party to go to here, lets go see if he’s here”

Marky and Scott go to the party section of the bowling alley and behold Derek is right there in the middle of the party.

“He told me this is his fifth this week” Scott mentions.

Marky adjusts his fedora and walks into the section. Scott goes back to the counter to find Jeremy there and notices that he looks terrified.

Someone says “Whats that smell, it smells like a dying rat shitting itself to death”

Derek stares happily at Marky “I know that smell and it only belongs to one person.” Derek looks at the monstrosity in front of him and greets him. “Hey Mark, long time no see, whats up?

“Things and stuff, hey me and Scott have a money problem and we need your help are you in?”

“Yeah of course, anything for you guys! What is it?” Derek chugs down his soda.

“We need to sell dank kush for money cause Scott can’t afford to pay for the arcade anymore.”

“Uhhh sure I know a guy, hey JJ!” Derek points at the approaching figure and says “This guy sells dank kush for a living you should ask him” When JJ arrives he wraps his arm around him.

JJ smiles and says “Hey I can help you if you got the stuff and here take my nu-”

Scott runs over and is on the verge of tears “Mark! Mark!”

“What is it, papa og?”

Scott grabs onto one of Marky’s folds and says “The arcade... its...” Scott can’t say it.

Marky slaps Scott with a layer of his fat, don’t ask how, and scream “What is it!”

“Its been.. destroyed... blown up... Jeremy saw it on the... news *sniff* and it’s gone.”

Marky says “Stay here I’ll go check it out” Marky then begins to pitifully run towards the exit.

Marky makes it to the counter, literally 4 feet from the party section, and gasps for air “Don’t worry... huff... I’m almost there” He then begins to drag his feet and falls over and faint.

Marky wakes up in the bowling alley next to Scott. JJ comes running into party section. “There was a note there”

Marky gets up and asks “What did it say?” and grabs it from his hand. Scott and Marky huddles over the paper to read what it says.

“No way” Marky says in shock.

“It says....” Scott mutters

Allahu Akbar

#cumback #baylieve #derekdoesntevenknow #Iapologize

The Arcade Part 2

After Daniel, or Butters, had left Marky decided to hang out with Scott. Scott invited Marky to the back room, after recovering from the destruction of his ear drums. Although Scott seems normal,he worships many things. For starters, Neil deGrasse Tyson and Aphromoo. These are the two most important people in the world to Scott. Anyway, you should know that before you follow Marky into the back room.

The backroom was littered with books and posters of his idols and edm artists. Bill Nye's "Undeniable" was Scott's most recent read.

Marky decided to start a conversation before Scott got to caught up with his idols. " Where's Tom, I haven't seen him in a while" asked Marky. Tom was the original owner of the arcade, but had to leave for mysterious reasons. Tom was also Marky and Scott's guitar teacher. He never said he picked favorites but he knew on the inside who his favorite really was.

"I don't know, he left for mysterious reasons" Scott responded. Those mysterious reasons, are still mysterious even to this day.

Scott then had to admit something " Marky, the arcade is dying, you're our only customer and we need to get money, I've tried all the government options but I've gotten no response."

"How about a sextape? We'll call it Marky x Smacog, I know a couple of guys-"

"No" Scott interrupted. "I have a great idea (this one not from the folds of his fat though) let's sell dank kush". Marky was amazed, Marky recognized weed from his favorite tutorials on montage parodies. Marky and Scott never smoked the dank kush before, but there's a first time for everything, even for neckbeards and nerds alike.

Marky got depressed "Who's going to sell the dank kush? My conversation skills are so great that I might charm a woman we would be speaking to" Sure whatever you say Marky. "Actually I know a guy. He can sell anything in the world, let's go to his favorite spot I know he'll be, the bowling alley"

Marky was right the man could sell anything. Marky was just with him. The man could sell anything from couches to

mixtapes

#markyadventures

The Arcade

After seeing Mikasa fall asleep, Marky pulled another great idea out of the folds of his fat. He decided to take Mikasa on a stroll around the town and meet all of his friends. They were going to the arcade to meet his friends. Honestly, I don't know if I should plural friends.

Marky hobbled over to the stairs and pressed the button. He then hobbled back to Mikasa and says "We are going on an adventure!" Marky straped himself onto the chair-lift and Mikasa sat on his lap. Then, Marky activates the lift and Marky and Mikasa begin the rigorous journey to the top of the stairs. Halfway through their trek, Mikasa slips off and falls to the bottom of the stairs. Annoyed, Mikasa climbs up the stairs and greets Marky with a knee in the family jewels. Marky lets out a siren scream, but it is soon silenced due to his Mother yelling at him. Marky picks up his trench coat and guides Mikasa to the door. Marky opens up the door and gestures for Mikasa to go through first.

"M'lady"

Marky and Mikasa arrived at the entrance of the arcade. The bums really added to the property value. Contrary to Marky's beliefs, the arcade was a depressing place somehow still intact even though the owner was living off of welfare. The pizza was always cold. Colder than the black hole in interstellar. The place was run down, except for the pristine condition of the arcade machines and the back room in which the owner lived.

Marky and Mikasa entered the shack, calling it a building would be disrespecting the word. As Marky approached the first victim of his greasy fingers, the owner waves at him and greets him.

"Hey Mark, how ya doing" says the owner

"Really great , Scott. I got a new friend" Marky answered

"Oh really? Is that her? Is she your niece or something?"

"No I got her off a Russian website."

Scott looked really disturbed. "Oh, okay" . Marky then went on his merry way to go play some arcade games, he liked to play all of them because if he favored one, he'd think it would become mainstream. And mainstream is bad. Fucking hipster. Of course the values of the arcade games went down, because the grease on Marky's hands would occasionally drip down onto the circuits, causing them to short and break. Mikasa didn't enjoy the games much and she looked around for stuff to steal. She found a rat, and she killed the rat. She mostly found loose change. Out of no where, just as she was finishing up clearing the prize section. A mysterious man walks into the arcade and goes over to greet Marky with a hand shake, terrible mistake. As the man's hand extends, Mikasa sees a flash of something she knows to well. A CD.

The man sold mixtapes, not just any mixtapes. They were his own beats and bars. Mikasa was disgusted at the sight. Little did she know that the man would become very successful, at begging for money. You should see the guy, he knows exactly where to hit your guilt spot.

After some talking to the Mysterious Man for a while, Marky then yelled at Scott " Hey Scott, you think we can play this over the speaker"

"Sure"

Scott will never regret anything more after playing this mixtape over the speaker. Not even when he broke his E-string and he tried to fix it and got a booboo.

There is no way you could describe what was played over that speaker. The beats sounded like something out of a subway. And the lyrics. Oh boy the lyrics. He was calling out hotshots like Politicz and Drake. No rhymes, no play on words, nothing. Just yelling at people who can actually do it. When it all came together, it was like a chorus of dying whales and a dolphin tried to make a rap song, but didn't know what they were rapping about or why they did it in the first place, and why the dolphin had to kill the whales to get that special sound. It killed the rats and broke the Pac-Man machine. Scott fainted and Mikasa decided that this was her chance to finish off the prize section and took what she could fit in her pockets. Marky and the Mysterious Man were, if I called it dancing it would be an insult to the art, wailing their arms and legs in random directions. After the torture that could only rival techniques used in Guantanamo Bay, the Mysterious man begins to leave, but Marky stops him.

Marky began to introduce the two "M'kasa, this is my fair and trustyworthy friend, Daniel. We have known each other since College, I dropped out because I wanted to become a pro gamer, and he dropped out because he wanted to DROP sick beats. hahahahahahahahaha"

Mikasa didn't have to know english to sense the terrible pun.

Daniel decided to introduce himself. "Yo I'm Daniel but most people call me...

Butters"

#Markyadventures

The Beginning Part 4

The Russian didn't understand anything that Marky was saying. She understood that Marky was showing her around this rat infested house. She wondered why there was so many bottle and cans of this sugary drink with a mountain on it. She probably thought this is what all American's houses look like. As she was walking and pondering the question of life, she slipped on some of the grease we mentioned earlier, you know the grease that got Marky the gold medal in bobsledding, and slamed into the pyramid of mountain dew. She was covered in mountain dew and a little semen from that time Marky "experimented" with a couple of cans of mountain dew. Marky wanted to "Feel the dew." "Хуй тебе в роть!" she cursed at him. Marky got a big grin on his face. Marky recognized, or so he thought, that she said I love you in Russian. It means a dick in your mouth. Marky grinned, unknowingly, at being told dick in your mouth. The Russian, or semen mountain dew powerpuff girl, or Mikasa, got up and headed to the shower. She saw the shower and changed her mind

Marky sat down Mikasa on the chair next to his computer. Confused, she looks at Marky. Marky shows her the picture on his screen. He had Photoshopped her face onto a cosplay of Mikasa. Mikasa was stunned, she didn't know what to say, in Russian. Mikasa wanted to kill him, but could not find a weapon nearby, at least not one covered in mountain dew, grease, or semen.

Marky then went on his daily 4chan posting. His fingers becoming an orchestra of nightcore music and brony tunes. White Knighting and stroking his neckbeard, he becomes so proud of himself. On, the other hand, Mikasa was left all alone. Mikasa started playing with his amiibos and anime figures of Homura and Makise Kuruisu.She could barely hold it because of all the grease around the figures. And then after the wettest clap you have ever heard. Marky stops typing. Marky without breaking his gaze on the computer, says in a voice that parallels the pitch and tone of a white girl finding out that the pumpkin spice latte is back.

"Welcome to the Funky Bunch, M'kasa"

#Markyadventures

The Beginning Part 3

Now Marky is a special case. His father died from syphilis, that's how Marky tells it anyway. He lives with his mother after dropping out of college because he believed he could make it big on League of Legends because he hit 1600 elo, obviously that didn't work out. He was good at one thing at one point of his life, he was gifted, you could say, at mathematics. He could solve quadratic equation faster than he could chug a mountain dew. Now he's a professional and loves what he does. To clarify, I mean chugging mountain dew, not mathematics. This is how Marky gave up mathematics and became a neckbeard, like his hero freddy122

Marky was browsing 4chan, and found this quality, according to 4chan standards, post. Mind you, This was one of his first times browsing 4chan and he didn't know the horrors of the people that browsed 4chan. The post was a thread about anime, and Marky was commenting on other people's opinions. Marky found himself agreeing with a particular anonymous, Anonymous No.283622354 to be exact. Marky and Anonymous No.283622354 became bff's over night. Anonymous, by some miracle of a deity, became Marky's father figure. Marky was young and impressionable, who could blame him?

Marky: " Yeah that anime was awesome, I don't really watch much anime due to school work, but I've watched this anime at least 420 times lmao"

Anon: "Yeah, I totally agree, 99.999999% hehehehehehe, weebs for lyfe"

Marky: " Talking to u is so fun."

Marky: "hey can u help? I have a lttle girl trouble"

Marky: "w8, not lttle girls, i mean a small girl problemo"

Anon: "whos the lucky grill? ur mom? lol"

Marky: "she's in 1 of my honor class, hehehe, shes a cheerleader, and I want to ask her out on a date, think I should take her to this adult store buy her some things, I want to appear mature to her. Then take her to my house and play with those things we got at the adult store. I don't even know what they sell there hehe! good idea right?"

Anon: "hehe totally, that place is perfect"

Anon: " and btw"

Anon: "slap her in the face" Marky: "WHAT?! LOL? Anon: "I is serious Marky, girls dig that shit. Last week at this bar I was feeling up this girl and just let her have it. I totally banged her that night dude! Lasted a whole 2 minutes brah"

Marky: "really, geez if it worked for you it could work for me"

Anon: "why do you waste youre time on school anyway, you could make more money reviewing animes and playing starcraft. Me and my comrades are saving up to go to Japan. "

Marky: "is that how you live?"

Anon: "totally, it is really awesome. My parents were so condifendent in me, they even kicked me out of the house and disowned me or something lol. To probably take the chains of family off of me or something that sounds really smart lol. lets 1v1 starcraft noob"

Marky: "sure why not, god you're so kawaii desu"

This is the day where Marky went askew. Not only did he lose the starcraft game, he let loser Anon give him terrible advice. "So confident in him they kicked him out of the house? and disowned him?" Marky was smart in Mathematics but he wasn't schooled enough in da street. You can't trust anybody on da streets homes. Except that guy that sells mixtapes. Anyway...

What a dingus.

#Markyadventures

The Beginning Part 2

I think you require a little back story on Marky, Marky had a body pillow of Homura. The body pillow soon became stiff from all the cum and mountain dew that was inside of it. A great idea dawned onto him from the basement windows, "I should get a human body pillow" and decided to go on match.com what happens after is in volume one. Volume two will pickup from where volume one left off. A few days later after Marky had order his mail order child, express mail, of course, the child came. Marky was browsing 9gag as his mom answered the door and looked at the package. "Your mail is here you little shit!" Marky then hobbles for the stairs. Marky presses a button on the side of the stairs, and waits for the chair, you know those chairs that go up and down stairs. As Marky waits for the chair, he then thinks of what a great investment this chair was. The chair finally arrives and Marky straps himself in. His mom keeps yelling at Marky to come and get his package. Marky then responds with the usual "I'm coming ma!" As all the grease on Marky's body allows Marky to quickly slip off of his chair and glide towards the door. Marky lands in front of the door, and tips his fedora at the door. Marky gets up after a 5 minute effort. It was a feat you had to see with your own eyes, it was like watching the worlds best bodybuilders, struggle as they try to lift this years heaviest thing. The Gold Medalist, for Bobsledding, Marky, stares at the package. The package stares back at him. Marky then slaps her out of the blue. Marky was told at a young age by fellow members of 4chan, that slapping a girl would instantly make the girl fall in love with him. The package gets offended and yells at him in Russian. Marky then gets a big grin on his face. Marky coughs into his hand and goes to smell his breath. It is not good to try to describe the smell, but it was used in world war 2, commonly described as Mustard Gas. He invites the Russian into his house and then says "I'm going to give you a great name" he sips his mountain dew " A name given to the only girl that I truly love on my insides" the grease filled, dew infested insides, mind you. "Your name shall be Mikasa." Marky then jumps up and down and that moment is known as the San Francisco Earthquake that set the earth off axis and into the sun, but it is another story for another day. "Because Mikasa, su Casa"

The Begnning Part 1

As Marky is filling it out the match.com application, he then goes straight for the interests/ what you are looking for in a woman. Marky then slams the keyboard, knowing what exactly to right. His greasy fingers guide themselves. He then types in "Furries and girls under 15" Marky then rests his hands on the keyboard. With a smug and proud look on his face, he looks towards his tiled wallpaper of Annie Ahri hentai. Marky then gets banned from match.com, a big surprise to him, as a single tear falls from his cheek knowing that his quest may have came to end,as the tear falling down to his neckbeard, a great idea dawns onto him. Mark grabs the mouse, knocking over the bottle of mountain dew, and drags it to the address bar. He then remembers this site he saw off a meme, he enters it in. He doesn't understand the Russian, but knows where to go, following a guide he found off of 4chan. He then orders a child off of this Russian website. Satisfied, he then looks at his wallpaper again, and remembers a girl streaming he donated to, thinking that if he donated, she would notice him. The streamer was wearing a tail that she had ordered off of amazon. Marky then rushes over to amazon.com, and orders one for his soon to be illegal wife. Marky then out of anticipation, jerks off. After a long 30 seconds, he logs it down in the jerk-a-terk notebook, inspired by lemonnation. Marky then yells at his mom to hand him the drink of geniuses. Dr Pepper. He then looks at his cum stained Mayuri posters and utters the first word he has said in a while. "Tuturru"

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