The World Inside

I write things. short things. it's my anxiety killer.

[srrobotboy]

epiphany 4

I stood before the door, tears welling in my eyes.

For a year I have been on this path, tirelessly moving forward, step by step, my entire being focused on leaving the past behind and becoming the king I knew I was destined to be. my heartbeat quickened and my chest heaved as memories of the journey filled my head.

bloodied hands, crooked and raw from the pit where I began.

the warm sun, which gave me hope and filled my soul with the strength when I thought I had none

the dark forest, relentlessly mocking me and filling me with doubt.

the light of the voices of my friends, pulling me back from despair.

it has been a long, winding road, complete with both glorious triumph and tragic circumstance. I stumbled many times, but I never stopped moving. every step forward gave me the resolve for the next. slowly building momentum until I was a juggernaut, an unstoppable force in my quest for enlightenment, my search to shed my skin and begin again.

I have cried both tears of joy and tears of sadness.

I have had both good days and bad.

I have also learned. I have learned that the bad days will come, no matter how hard you push, how desperately you try to keep them at bay. however, this grim outlook comes with its very own silver lining: clarity of thought

I have learned that loved ones will stand beside you always.

I have learned that every step forward is a lesson.

wisdom comes with perseverance.

today, at long last, I stand before my castle. I know my journey will never end. I also know, however, that anything is possible, and i am stronger now than i have ever been before.

I lean my head back, tears of joy freely flowing down my face. no longer will I let outside influences dictate who I am. This is my life, and I alone decide how to live it.

I am once again whole. I know love. I know joy. I am alive, and nothing in this universe can keep me from that ever again.

Throwing open the door to the castle that is my new life, my laughter fills the rooms and echoes through the halls. the sun cascades through the arches, and i let myself fall to the floor in pure happiness.

i am home.

[purplebuddhaquotes]

Start now. Start where you are. Start with fear. Start with pain. Start with doubt. Start with hands shaking. Start with voice trembling but start. Start and don’t stop. Start where you are, with what you have. Just…start.

Ijeoma Umebinyuo (via purplebuddhaquotes)

[srrobotboy]

seraph

i sat in the chair, across the room from her. i watched the tears stream down her cheek, dripping into the smallest puddle on the table she sat at. the smoke from her cigarette, curled up and around the frames of her glasses, her eyes never leaving mine. neither of us wanted this to happen, but we knew from the start it was inevitable. there would come a time that she would realize she had to let me go. that was time was now. when we first met, i was good for her. she finally had someone to confide in. someone who would listen to her problems when no one else would. i would never judge her. no problem too strange ,i used to tell her.   our favorite thing to do, from the very first moment we met, was long walks through the city. she would marvel at the way the shadows played with the light from the streetposts. she would smile her big beautiful smile as she looked around and pointed out the beauty that no one else seemed to notice. she could find beauty in anything and grace in everything. i took to calling her my sweet seraph because of it. i knew everything there was to know about her. she confided in me her deepest darkest secrets. her dreams, her desires, her greatest fears, her hopes and dreams. she wanted to be an artist. it as a good fit, as she was one of the most creative minds id ever known. she could take anything she saw and effortlessly throw it onto a canvas, conveying any thought or emotion she so chose. i loved watching her work. shed call me up with her latest idea, and id sit back in wonder as the canvas in front of her was transformed into a work of art, straight from that beautiful mind of hers. "its ok, chloe", i whispered. "i dont want you to go. i still need you", she replied through sob ridden words "no you dont. youve come further than either of us ever dared to dream." she sobbed louder as she realized the words i was about to say "my sweet little seraph. ill always be here. you know i will..." i felt my body flicker and started to tear up as well "...spending my life with you was a treasure, and i will never forget about my friend Chloe, the angel." She got up and ran over to me, pulling me up into her arms in one last loving embrace. i wrapped my arms around her for the final time, my body fading into nothing as she said, "i love you. youll always be my best friend, imaginary or not."

[srrobotboy]

fortune teller

some things never change.

some things cant be stopped.

the tide always comes

the sun always sets

the rain always comes

and people always leave

[srrobotboy]

epiphany 3

after more days than i could count, i came to the end of the wood. taking a deep breath, and exhaling slowly, I stepped across the threshold. out of the dark forest and into the sun once again, I let its warmth wash over me. I closed my eyes and threw my head back, basking in the glory of the sun that I had been deprived of for so long. a smile, long forgotten, broke across my face as the light beat away the anxiety and fear that had, in the absence of light, tried to consume me. I laughed as the doubt that stalked me from just beyond the trees retreated to the shadows. I was no longer a slave to them.

without a moments hesitation, I turned towards my castle, and pushed on. my friends and all those who believed once again walked by my side, their smiles alone telling me tales of their faith in my perseverance.

with every step, my confidence returned. I knew overcoming the forest was a learning experience, and that I had come out the other side with more wisdom than I could, even now, fully realize.

I was careful to control my pride, however, as the path kept close to the dreaded woods. I could make out the shapes of fear and doubt waiting in the shadows of the dead trees, laying in wait of a time I might, in a moment of weakness, return to them. I kept a watchful eye as I walked, paying mind not to drift close enough to be caught in the reaching branches. I admit: from time to time, a foul wind escaped the darkness, wrapping itself around my thoughts, and distorting my view. Whispering its sadness to me, it desperately tries to throw me off balance. I confess to stumbling, but before I fall, my loved ones stop me and set me on my feet.

looking ahead, I marched on. my smile tells the tale. I know not what lays ahead, what further trials I will be subjected to, but I know they will come. but I also know this: I am ready for them. I have treasured friends that have proven they will be at my back, giving me strength to go on when it is needed. this, in turn, makes ME stronger.

I will continue

I will thrive

I will win.

[srrobotboy]

lost spirit

there is no christmas here

no lights hang in these hollow halls, no cards from friends upon these walls

there is no christmas here

lengths of garland you will not see, no light bursting forth from a shining tree

there is no christmas here

friends and family will not gather round with laughter and joyousness abound

there is no christmas here

there is however lonliness and hollowness galore and a blinking light reminding me of text invites ignored

there is no christmas here

if you wish to come and check on me, be prepared and please beware. this house is cold, its quiet and sad.                                                                       

                                   there is no christmas here.

[srrobotboy]

epiphany 2

the day I emerged from the pit, I was proud. my knuckles were scraped, and my hand were bruised and bloodied, but I had escaped. the sadness that had called me friend washed away,  and the hopelessness fell from around me as I shed my past and began to move on. my life was mine again, and the possibilities lay before me, sparkling in the open air as if I gazed upon vast meadows of golden flowers I could call my own.

I saw skies so blue, I had to shield my eyes.

I basked in glorious sunshine.

I looked forward to my castle in the distance and marched forward with my head held high and my eyes on fire.

as with any journey, however, the road is never as straight as you perceive it to be. when studied from a distance, the road withholds dark secrets and perilous stretches, revealing them to you only when you have no choice but to take them. focused on the future and a world mine for the taking, I failed to notice the decline.

sapphire skies turned gray, I walked on

summer breezes turned to cold winds, I walked on

the very path beneath my feet crumbled into dust.

I walked on

I suddenly found myself in a forest of my own destructive design. the sun I had soaked in just yesterday was gone, struggling to push through the treetops that seemed to be made of pure darkness. wilted leaves hanging from dead, gnarled branches whispered to me promises of a way out, a quick exit out of the wood. they sang to me of memories of past failure, reassuring me that it would be easy. that I DESERVED an easy retreat. the wind brought to me threats of being abandoned.

"your friends will leave you, and you will be on your own once again"

tears welled in my eyes. doubt, fear, and anxiety slowly creeped out from behind the tree trunks. still I walked on.

days passed, each one seeming longer than the next. I could begin to hear the voices of my companions coming from where I could not see. my steps are now becoming stronger. I know there is an end to this dark forest. I can see the sunlight in the distance, beckoning me back into the light. my friends voices push aside the dark winds and carry across the wood, bestowing hope upon my weary soul.

I am tired, this I will not deny. I do not know how long this stretch of road is, but I do know this. it will end. as long as I can still hear the voices of those I love, my feet wil continue to move, and I KNOW that one day, I will run from out of the trees, and into the sun once again.

[srrobotboy]

Clarity

More, not less. I miss you more everyday.

I'm keeping my word and fixing my faults, filling the cracks, and now my mind sees more clear than ever.

Unfortunately, if ignorance is bliss, then with clarity comes sorrow. I'd take this sorrow every day for you to believe that

I am clear. And

I am sorry.

[srrobotboy]

Epiphany

and then it hit me. I realized that they were right.

everything up to this point had a reason behind it, an undeniable logic.

it came over and enveloped me like a rogue wave, touching all my senses simultaneously.

this moment, this perfect moment in time, and all the moments yet to come; the finishing touches on a complex, ever changing work of art, thirty four years in the making.

I was at rock bottom with nowhere to go. I didn't even think to look up. Up was a place that didn't exist anymore. not only was I certain of my hopelessness, it was the only thing that felt real to me and, like the lover that knows your every fiber of being, I was desperate to hold onto it, lest my world completely end.

then, one day, the faintest whisper of hopes lost its way and wandered where I thought it could not enter. it fell from the sky I no longer even knew was there, floated down through the caverns  called home, landed on my shoulder and whispered its message into my ear. it was gone before I could find it again, like a tiny wisp of smoke is lost in a gale. however, the words of its last dying breath echoed in my head. I looked up, questions and doubt already trying to tie me back down...and started to climb.

handholds crumbled

demons grasped

but I kept climbing

and when I reached the top and saw the world again in all its glorious splendor and light, I started to remember who I was. I was not a monster. I was not a shell. i was not a memory.

i know my journey isn't over im not sure it ever will be. but this time, i have companions, both old new, to walk with and my eyes are fixed firmly on my castle on the horizon.

overflowing with hope, my body buzzes with new found joy. this is who i am.

i am a VICTOR

[srrobotboy]

Recovering woes

You'd think that being at home in bed recovering from a hospital visit I have a lot of free time to write some s***. Turns out it's hard to get into a comfortable position that's conducive to writing

[srrobotboy]

Been a hell of a week. Anxiously waiting to be sitting in front of my laptop again

[srrobotboy]

the silence is so loud please im begging on tear soaked knees let me back in, just this once. dont take me back, just let me back in. just this one last time to show you im keeping my word taking the steps and breaking my mold. im desperate for you to see know believe without a doubt this lesson beat me down with a syllabus so heavy i can never will never forget.

[srrobotboy]

there are 7 billion 46 million people on the planet and most of us have the audacity to think we matter

watsky

[srrobotboy]

when i break

it comes from nowhere, at any time. no rhyme, reason, schedule, or calendar. 

it comes on like a tidal wave, suddenly and violently sweeping through my conscious. breaking through ever barrier my mind can throw up. my hands grip the counter as if holding on for my very life.  my knuckles whiten. the floorboards wave, the room sways.

 what have you done to me. what have i done to myself. iv turned myself into a walking relic, haunted as i live. thoughts race, realizations of the end of not only what was but what wouldve been. 

im not sad, im not angry, im nothing. 

nothing remains but frustration at whats become of me. a shell of who i once thought i was, a living memory of myself.

then, like a snuffed candle, its gone. my eyes refocus and im left shivering, staring at the wall, silently pleading for the day i can forgive the man im trying to leave behind.

[srrobotboy]

vacation

the rain doesnt bother me. the late train bothers me. being alone bothers me. but not the rain. the rain drives me, the rain reminds me. the rain gives me things to think about, gives me insight. somehow, the rain makes it all feel less desperate. memories flood my head as i stand in the downpour, on the slick uncovered platform. i take note of the growing weight of soggy clothing while silently waiting for the distant light that signals my exit from this place. the whistle in the distance confirms i dont have much more time to wait. this has always been my favorite place to visit. even i need to get away, and this town has always, for a reason unknown to me,  offered a serenity i otherwise never get to experience. i look forward to the time when i can come back whenever i am away.  but this time.....this time was different. but a job is a job, and my work is more important than even i know. the old man in the ticket booth reads yesterdays paper. the headline told me all i need to know.                        

                           FIRE DESTROYS SMALL HILLSIDE TOWN

lost in thought, i feel a tug on my long, black jacket. youd think nothing could surprise me. after all, ive seen everything. ive been to every corner of the world. ive experienced pleasures you only dream of and torments you dare not think about. you'd think nothing could catch me off guard. and youd be wrong with one hand over his eyes, shielding them from the driving rain, the old man held his sign up to me please help i knew this man long long ago. so long, in fact, it felt to be from another time completely. he helped make me who i am today. filled me so full of hate and contempt for everything that is. taught me not to love, but to destroy, and without remorse. flashbacks of cowering in a dark corner, shielding my face, covering my mothers body, trying desperately to absorb the impacts, redirect the damage from her to me. looking down the track, seeing the light from the approaching train as it came around a bank of trees, i knelt down in front of this frail shivering pile that i once called my father. i locked eyes with him, peering  into his soul. he was broken beyond repair. i struggled with my decision. did i really want to lend any help to this man? as the train pulled into the station, i leaned in, and whispered into his ear i forgive you i touched my skeletal finger to his forehead and, as his last breath slipped from his lungs, i softly laid his body down on the wet concrete and closed his eyes. i stood up, adjusted my coat, stepped to the door of the train, and one last glance down the track, walked up and took my seat. leaning back and pulling my hat over my eyes, i wondered to myself.. ..where will i vacation now.

[infinitely-poetic]

end

i am failure

going on a path to nowhere.

failed attempts

& ash soaked tears

linger on my

face-

kissed with

eyes of mourning.

my future is grey

riddle with desperation

to belong-

i am on a path to

nowhere.

[srrobotboy]

Have to say it

I know you won't see this. But I miss you. And I'm sorry.