i pledge allegiance to dumb blondes
idk what to name this grrrrrr !!!!!!
As the villain stood tall, surrounded by barbed wire fences with a friendly red dot on his forehead; courtesy of the sniper commanded to shoot if provoked, he saluted the flag and began planning his escape.
His commander had quickly taken a liking to him, after months of perfect drills, attendance, and behaviour everyone’s guard was down and trust was beginning to form. He was first to show up in his ugly green jumpsuit, first to volunteer, and was always first done in every obstacle course. Of course, assuring that there was enough uncooperation at the beginning to track an improvement in attitude and ability as time went on. He whistled at the playboy magazines the other soldiers would show him at lunch time, feigning interest at the same photos of a bare chested men and woman and half clothed celebrities for the third time that week, but most important was what he was doing now, showing an unwavering and determined loyalty to a battered banner on a flagpole. Every. Damn. Morning.
Once he noticed the target on him had become lazy and the other men patted him on the back as if he hadn’t killed hundreds, he knew it was time before someone got a little too friendly and his act slipped. Last time that happened the villain was sleeping standing up and reciting the national anthem for hours on end.
He was so close to finally ending the Hero Corp when he was ultimately caught. Being too great of an asset, the judge decided military training would be preferred compared to the alternative of a lethal injection. The judge’s speech was heartwarming and almost convincing. She used buzzwords like ‘rehabilitation’ and ‘wasted potential’ that made the Mayor cream their pants at the opportunity to have a new and shiny hero in their hands. Hell, the whole courtroom gave her a standing ovation and she was promoted to the Supreme court. The villain scoffed, remembering the ridiculous hope she had given the city. As if he muttered when his final verdict was announced. But the villain played along, snooped to find weaknesses and had made connections, it was a matter of time before he was out of here and finally took down the Hero Corps- and this time he would succeed.
The villain was on their way to their commander’s office, rumours had been going around that the villain was about to get a new parole officer. A minor setback, with the reputation they had gotten at the military camp, it would be too easy to get the new officer off their back and wrapped around their finger. They reached the door with the kindest of smiles and most innocent of eyes, just for it to be immediately wiped off as they met their new parole officer.
Even with their back turned to him, the villain would be a fool if he didn’t recognize the hero by their curly blonde hair and light blue and meticulously scalloped cape, flowing in what seemed to be a calm wind that only preferred to lay at the ankles of the hero. The commander was gushing over them, hunched over subconsciously and smiling from ear to ear in the grace and radiance that was the Hero.
Now, the villain had heard of the hero. Mostly things he’d scroll past on social media and an occasional staged fight televised on screen. Last they had heard they were dating a movie star and released a line of kid’s lunch boxes. They had a streak of being a rather scandalous hero, but had recently been rebranded to be more kid friendly and profitable. Demonstrated by shorter boots and their suit that came up to a mock neck (a universally hated decision considering their suit didn’t leave much to the imagination previously). All this to say the villain considers the hero more of a brand rather than a human and much less a hero.
He had to admit though, he assumed the hero’s good looks were chalked up to professional makeup and maybe even plastic surgery, looking at them now in a brightly lit room he no longer considered this to be true.
“Villain! Please, allow me the honour of presenting to you our Hero!” The villain now noticed the signed picture of the hero the commander had in his hands, he quickly threw it in a drawer. The villain pretended he didn’t notice and began a staring contest with the hero.
“No need for introduction, I met you in a porno magazine the soldiers keep under their pillows.”
The hero laughed, and the villain hated how it sounded like a breath of fresh air in this grey and dusty corner of the world. “I don’t regret that shoot, y’know. My manager told me it was a bad idea but I’ve never had so much fun during promos! Gosh, I’m so embarrassed! I’ve lost my figure, haven’t I?” The hero turned to the commander who only blushed and complimented the hero insistently. The villain couldn’t help but trail their eyes down the hero's incredibly tight suit, growing increasingly annoyed at Hero’s obvious fish for compliments with every attractive dip and curve his eyes brushed over. He paid extra attention to the way their fingers fidgeted and how they shifted their weight from leg to muscular leg.
Why was everyone complaining about this suit? It shows the same if not more.
“Nevermind that, Hero. You look like a million bucks- and Villain please, behave.” The commander said with a rub on the hero’s back, one that lingered a little too long. After a scoff from both hero and villain the commander let go of the hero and went back to resembling his stoic self.
“We have business to attend to! Villain, the hero will be taking over your progress! As your final goal is to become a hero yourself, Hero will be supervising your progress and reporting to Hero Corp.”
“I figured, Commander. I just don’t see why this is necessary.”
Before the Commander could speak, the hero interrupted. “If I may, Commander?” He nodded, giving Hero the floor.
“I was sent by SuperHero. You are like our first trial for villain rehab. I hear it’s going well and SuperHero wanted to confirm. And besides, Villain, with all due respect, I don’t trust you.” It almost sounded like a compliment coming out of the Hero’s mouth. “No one’s ever gotten so close to what you were able to do. And frankly, I don’t believe you to be rehabilitated in as little as a few months.” The hero’s ease in speaking was very casual, constantly as if they were speaking to friends at no stakes.
Given that Hero was popular and the Hero Corp’s shining star, their powers were somewhat shrouded in mystery, more often than not the Hero was used for promotion and recruitment. That mystery wasn’t something the villain was willing to solve carelessly. Besides, something told the villain this wasn't over. The hero didn’t seem like the sharpest tool in the shed and was probably following orders- From what he knew from tabloids and drama news; no way they’d rather be here than at some cushy penthouse party, this could maybe be over soon. Just maybe. The villain forced a smile, a kind and innocent smile- one’s he’s practised and perfected over the months.
“Touche, I guess I’ll just prove myself to you, Hero.”
“So we’re on the same page!” The hero clapped their hands, an unusual display of excitement in such a case. “Great!”
With a quick goodbye to the commander the hero grabbed the villain’s shoulder and led him out. It was getting dark and the base was quieting down. The grip on the villain’s shoulder felt ice cold yet red hot, a sick feeling overcame him which only worsened when the hero leaned in and whispered to him.
“You’re kinda dumb.” Things immediately clicked.
“You didn’t notice a thing! Too distracted staring- jesus. Get yourself together, pervert.” They almost sounded disappointed. The villain smiled.
“What can I say? You play the sexy, dumb blonde very well.”
“Tell me about it.” The grip lightened. “After seven years, I'd better have gotten good.”
The continued walking, the villain puzzling everything together as fast as he could. His ego was based on how many steps ahead he was of everyone, and in this case he was a step or two faster. He analysed the hero’s body language intently before, he smirked when he finally figured out why they cracked their fingers and put a leg in front of the other when they mentioned SuperHero previously.
“SuperHero doesn’t know you’re here.”
“Not yet.” They stopped for a tick. “How’d you know?’
“Being a pervert has its perks. And you have an obvious tell.” The hero stared for a second before laughing. They reached a secluded area, and night had already fallen. The hero had snatched a bland dinner roll from the cafeteria on the way and was stuffing their face while explaining.
“So, basically. I’m sick of this. Being seen as weaker or useless just because I’m hotter.” They scoffed. “Teach me how to fight- properly, and I can get you out of here.” They said between bites. The villain only watched, hands inside their jumpsuit staring, unimpressed at the World’s Hottest Hero™ and their manners.
“You want me to teach you how to fight- so you can prove yourself as a hero?” summarised the villain.
“And in return you’ll get me out of here.”
“As soon as I can throw a punch, you’re outta here.” The hero finished their dinner roll.
“They never trained you?”
“Ever heard of a personality hire?”
The villain hummed in understanding. “So why the sudden need for vengeance? You do understand I’m going to kill SuperHero once I’m out of here, right? Or did that movie star dump you or something?”
“First of all, that man has it coming. If I could, I’d kill him myself. Besides, while you do that- I’ll be sipping margaritas in a hammock. Somewhere sunny. Once I’m back I can use his death as a reason why I suddenly got so strong and brooding! I’ll be an inspiration instead of a let down. Second, that’s none of your business.”
The hero reached inside their utility belt and pulled out another dinner roll.
“You shouldn’t eat many of those. They’re a bitch to burn off.”
“Good. So, deal or can I go home? I got a new pair of boots I’ve been wanting to buy before they sell out.” The hero continued eating the roll, they held out their free hand in an expectant way in front of the villain.
The villain couldn’t have asked for a better opportunity. With the hero, they could set their targets strictly on the Super Hero when they get out- not only that but with the hero's shining report on the villain’s progress they'll be esteemed and trusted. After a while of gaining SuperHero’s trust as the first successfully rehabilitated hero, killing him will be a piece of cake. Without the SuperHero at the Hero Corps’s head, the rest of the godforsaken corporation would take less that huff and puff to crumble. As for the hero, the villain had complete control over their training, taking them out will barely call for effort.The pieces fell into place, the villain wasn’t religious, but this truly was a miracle. He smiled and warmly shook the hero’s hand.
‘Perfect! Oh, I can’t wait to get out of these tight spandex suits! I get a wedgie every time I walk.”
“You’ll look marvellous in our famous dirt stained green.”
“Oh, you know I will.” The hero winked. The worst part was, the villain did know.
“Ok. I’ll follow.” The hero said.
“Lead the way! We’re new bunk buddies!”
Hero seemed to have a way to wipe the villain’s smile off his face.
