Working it 0ut

[ssshhwhatelse]

I got married way too soon. The signs were allllllllll there. And i ignored them. I am a constant problem. I just want to be alone. Maybe I'll work on myself maybe i wont but a least I'm not bringing someone else down with me.

[ssshhwhatelse]

Depressed

Older

[ssshhwhatelse]

David Lynch friday

It's November 4th. I watched Working Girls (1986, Lizzie Borden) it was great i recommend jt

I tried to once again get through Je, Tu, Il Elle but couldn't do it. Mad eit longer this time. She does what i did. Sits in her room all day, eating sugar. Comments, observations, patience.

Woke up sore and tight this morning, more than usu. Had horrible dream. Been thinking about separating but it's not his fault i just didn't let myself breathe before jumping back in. I'm a pretty horrible.eprosn which is why I can't take compliments or believe when someone says they like me. A s**** k***** would love that, to be seen on the surface as polite and kind and funny but be absolutely disgusting on the inside. Quietly seething. No redeemable qualities.

I renounced therapy bc i can't stay consistent with it. And it's boring. These therapists are boring. There is nothing personal involved ... But it is a PROFESSION not a friendship so I'll leave.

Went to California for a weekend, did little tokyo and universal studios. Realized Houston will never be home will never even feel like it a little. I don't like it even after 2 years here. But living back home is impossible so I'll sit on my hands !

I have so much anxiety here. It's not comfortable. I'll die in ******

That feels unfair to say but it is how i feel, it's ugly feelings weighing me down but I've never gotten up

[ssshhwhatelse]

306am

I am awake(? maybe that is a stretch my eyes are simply open) watching nyfw feeling inspired, have none $$ or skills dont need it, thoughts are enough what if i couldnt hold? couldnt speak? all i would have are my thoughts you know. last therapy session might not even be one, reached out to job, told i would get info...waiting on it. therapy scheduled for Mexican independence day. i want to talk about many things but 1. insecurity 2.acceptance 3. childhood anxiety

i know now i want to see my living ancestors less, catholic, and thats to be imagined but the love sticks to something else when they look at you. maybe not mayb i am blowing things up with hot air, hoping the fire whisks it away.

i will be once what fire has always done. my wirsts hurt with no support, instead of desktop holders, they should make gloves with them embedded..! ideas swirling who says posts have to be so short, no one is reading but me oh what a wonderful lonely world ive built.

What more is there to say? i have set up what i needed to and i will be here when i am-- thanks for tuning in!