talking teapots

crazier things have happened

[ssvirginia]

“One way ticket to the lion’s den Got to go through the fire so I can come out again Fight for my faith, live what I believe Got to stand on my feet And sing Oh I will sing”

My faith is being questioned here in NY more than i’ve ever experienced before. Questioning not in a judgemental way but instead in a curious one, requiring me to speak with careful consideration of what it is that I believe and why because it certainly doesn’t seem normal at all when you’re speaking to someone who believes in something completely different. I’m being exposed to beliefs that i’ve been quick to judge in the past. When it’s coming from someone who you care about, it changes everything. It’s maybe taken me too long to carve out some foundational beliefs that i’m able to communicate well, but i’m glad i’m being required to now. It’s easy to live life in a bubble but thank God for people who are willing to discuss religions and beliefs without hate and argument. 

[ssvirginia]

This summer has been one of many gifts.  There are so many more pictures I could add and even more stories I could tell of all the goofy and difficult times. But, let me tell you what I know for certain - i have a lot of gratitude for my circles of friendship. I’ve always thought my life was colorful but these NY chapters in my story are adding colors I didn’t even know existed. My church people here bring the cool, calm scheme to my gigantic life canvas and then my acting people splash neon everywhere. If there was such a thing as a canvas of colors to represent the people and moments in life, can you imagine how spectacularly dazzling it would be? At least, that’s the hope right? I am working multiple jobs and taking two acting classes this fall semester. One is a movement class and to say i’m not a natural may be the world’s biggest understatement. I’m constantly being pushed and guided to take up more space, follow my impulses and trust my partner. The comparison trap keeps trying to catch me and often does get a solid grip. When that happens, it hurts my spirit. What I mean by that is that the insecurities try to take root deep into my soul and affect my core beliefs of being created in the image of God and that he delights in my existence no matter what my abilities. It is HARD to resist the lies of inadequacy as I watch people older, younger, prettier, healthier and more talented than me do things with ease that I struggle with, especially when it involves partnering up. That’s an even louder voice shouting: YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I’m so sick of it. 

We recently chose poems to incorporate into our movement. I picked a poem about Hope by Emily Dickinson. We say these poems out loud as we move to enhance our experience and communicate what emotions we’re feeling. I know it sounds hokey and sometimes it is. I didn’t pick that poem thinking it would have some deep meaning. I honestly just liked the metaphors in it. But as I type, i can’t help but connect that my hope is not in being graceful, or a great actor/communicator, or getting everything right in my classes. (thank goodness). My hope is in Jesus, my Creator and King. My hope is in the fact that I get to meet people and love on them despite my careers, successes and failures. I want to be a strong woman and live a life that impacts the kingdom, not for my own gain. The current world feels heavy and cynical - i don’t want to be a part of that. I choose to believe that God is working for the good of the human race and loving people in ways we may not see. I don’t need coordination or gracefulness to believe in that truth. 

Today, if you are reading this, we have the privilege of living another day- let’s not take that lightly. Make the most of being alive and do something outside of your comfort zone: - Call someone you haven’t talked to in a while (CALL, not text); hug someone you don’t normally hug; be vulnerable. There is goodness in the world and you are capable of spreading that love and hope. Let’s do it.  Accept the cheesy inspirational challenge! I do want each of us to believe that we are beautifully and wonderfully made, beyond capable of changing the world. Thanks for bearing with the long post - i felt inspired. Be light :)

[ssvirginia]

This is just a glimpse of where my life has led me recently. The pictures are of family, friends from college, from Nashville & NYC and a little drooling nugget i get to babysit every now and again.  My life is enriched by the people in it. It ultimately doesn’t matter where I live or what I do as a career; for me, it will always be about the relationships - the rest is just the berries on top! I have so many thoughts and feelings living in NYC.  My perspective is shaken constantly.   Plus my acting conservatory cultivates a lot of feelings. Some people may feel  invincible at points in his or her life. Contrary to that, I often feel vincible but in a way that is giving me strength to fail and embrace the flaws that make me. I still stand by the desire to bring more silliness to the world and love people to my best ability, no matter how similar or different we are. There is only one me and one you; I believe we are uniquely created by God and am starting to embrace that freedom. No one could ever be a better me...and that goes for you too. I miss my friends i don’t see or get to talk to as often as I once did but know that you will always be special to me. I love my friends and family more than anything in the world and see so much more beauty in the world because of ya’ll. It’s time for me to get ready for work. Until next time dear friends - Sarah in NYC. 

[ssvirginia]

There are details like this [photo] all over the city. They are easy to miss but every so often one will catch my eye. 

Today I started to think about the person or people who decided to spray this message in particular in this spot. I finally thought to google the phrase to see who is responsible. The website says: two female street artists on a crusade to elevate consciousness and amplify meaning in the world. How inspiring - to elevate consciousness & amplify meaning..., yes, don’t we all want that? Why have I not thought of taking something as simple as that and claiming it as my crusade? I wonder if we all chewed on this crusade in particular a little more, would the world be a more agreeable place to live? Maybe. 

There is an awareness of myself which I’m experiencing here in New York that in a lot of ways, i’ve been afraid of exposing. My craving to be liked, even more so loved, is a big one. Fear of rejection is another phobia that has kept me from rich experiences. I’ve learned that I don’t give myself credit for trying new things or taking risks; in fact it’s almost as if i’ve been blind to it entirely and don’t truly receive words of encouragement people have graciously given. Where does that come from? Why is it easy for me to encourage and see great potential in others and yet miss it completely in my own self? That’s a tough pill to swallow. This past year was jam packed with change. I lost my father to cancer; moved from TN to NY; started at a New York acting conservatory; changed roommates; found a new church home; made new friends...i could go on and on really. And yet, I gave myself zero credit. That’s depressing and I would hate it if a friend told me they were in the same place. I think it’s probably more common than people admit. With that in mind, my intention in this post is to confess these feelings of inadequacy and fears that stifle my experiences and from there, move toward being kind to myself. I’m putting it in writing and challenge you to do the same. Here it goes:

* i am an artist and no one can take that from me. 

* i have taken risks. Those risks have led me to relationships that I will cherish for as long as I live and experiences/jobs that have allowed me to relate to people in ways I never dreamed possible

* i believe in myself.

That’s a start and that’s all I need for today. New York, thank you for the regard in which you hold art and for being a city where I can be challenged and learn. 

[ssvirginia]

Perspective. That’s the most fitting word for 2015. Man oh man has a lot been packed into this year! Some highlights include: 

Scenes assigned in Caroline’s class (Friends, Raising Arizona)

my dear dear family at NAS. i love them so much

spending time with Jen and CP

going to see a licensed therapist (for real though, needed it)

prophetic ministry at emanate

Nashville Life worship

242 awesome…my heart (photo)

ivivva trunk shows and girls on the run practices

the Abbey of Gethsemani with BG

the Masters with Emily/ staying at the Bronczeks 

packing up a u-haul with some of my best friends and moving to NYC

walking across the Brooklyn Bridge for the first time

24 hours in the Hamptons with Kemler and Amanda

Seeing Something Rotten with the Drimmels

meeting new friends via Athleta, Maille, acting and through others

going to see Bethel Live in concert

seeing Jeff Daniels at Inside the Actor’s Studio

dancing the night away at the Jane Hotel

Trinity Grace Church - Williamsburg

babysitting Norah 

Thanksgiving with Ryan at the parade and dinner in Brooklyn with MFS friends

waiting in a hotel bar to see if that was where Harry Styles was staying

becoming a one direction fan via Ellen, the documentaries and the concert

all the NYC visitors

layovers in Chicago

trip to Chicago with Sarah Lai - Bill Burr show 

working at the mustard shop, Maille

being often astounded at how beautiful Central Park is

my birthday dinner and friends in town

rooftop parties on the upper west side

Fall in New York

Christmas in New York

hanging out with Anthem Lights and the wives (and gf) at a Nelly concert, dancing our hearts out at the Hard Rock Cafe

getting my butt kicked at the Maggie Flanigan Studio

...so so much more!

Now, this year has been pretty incredible with all the activities one can dream of here in NYC. It has also swung the complete opposite direction. I lost my dad this year and i’ve thought about it every day since. It has been a part of most of these experiences in its own way. It’s been the hardest year of my life with a lot of tears. The one thing that has been the clear thread through all of it is that I have a God who loves me more than I ever thought possible. There are about a million ways he has shown that to me through music, beauty, friends, family, prayer, church and miracles. When dad died, i had so many people surround me; i had people i love at the funeral, supporting me. I couldn’t function, in fact, there are still days when i’m totally distracted by the fact that he’s gone. It’s hard. But, I’m grateful for hope in a God who loves me and never leaves me alone; who has Heaven waiting for me one day. 2016 - what you hold, i can only imagine but what i can promise is that I will love Jesus more and more and live each day with hope. Moment by moment.

[delta-breezes]

[ssvirginia]

A picture has the power to transport you to another time or place. I saw this and felt my whole body release. In an instant, I dreamt the crisp cold air against my skin and the oversized clothes I was wearing. The imagination is an incredible gift. Do you use your’s anymore? We were created with one for a reason and I for one, need it to survive. Close your eyes and travel somewhere. 

[ssvirginia]

thirty-two.

It’s officially my birthday now. I just had a phone call from a newly engaged couple who I will force to be my friends for the rest of our lives. That made my night. I needed it. Truth be told, my body is full of emotion, even my finger tips are tingling as I type. It’s been a wild year with Nashville ice and snow, acting classes, counseling, a funeral, a broken heart, an outpouring of love and support, the monastery, a move to the city of dreams, NYC acting classes, new friends, odd jobs and fun visitors. It blows my mind more frequently these days. This time last year, I had transitioned into a retail job for the flexible schedule, next to a cozy bustling coffee shop. My 31st birthday evening was spent dining with a couple of tenth grade girls and my co-leader / dear friend Katie. We went to my first coffee shop love in Nashville to eat and hang out. It was exactly what I needed. Now, a quick year later, and it feels like mountains have moved. For me, reflection and writing through it are necessary. I see God’s artwork in new ways and am reminded of how special it is to have the friendships and family that I do. It’s probably true that most people think their relationships are the best, but I just kind of feel like I win? And if you disagree with that, too bad, it’s my birthday. 

Thirty-two; How strange. I live in a city where most people know very little about me which is the exact opposite of living in a Nashville for the last almost-eight years. I can technically be whoever I want to be in New York and craft a really fun, cool story; but what I realize most days is that I don't need to. There is no other life I would rather have than my own.  What has caught me off guard living in New York, is that I stand out. In the past, I felt like I blended in pretty well. But here, I feel like most people, even my teachers, can’t really figure me out…and no one really asks questions unless prompted. Either way, it has already been a very unique experience with it’s fair share of challenges. I’m growing though which seems all too appropriate to write on your birthday. My mind is racing and it’s getting late so I need to rest. However, I miss my dad. It’s my first birthday without him and that’s hard. I wonder if everyone feels like a little kid again when they lose a parent? I’ve been praying and thinking a lot lately about characteristics I ask the Lord to bless me with, so I will end with that. Dear Lord, I pray on my birthday that you pour out the following over my life: courage, strength, patience, love, childlikeness and wisdom. Please continue to impact me in all the ways that you do. I pray for protection in this dynamic city and for your peace and hope to spill out over this world. Comfort me tonight Lord and thank you for my life. Happy Birthday to me. Night Night. 

[ssvirginia]

RENEWING PERFORMING ARTS

AUGUST 24, 2015 | 7:00 P.M. - 9:00 P.M.

If you are a performer with a desire to pursue a career in the arts while also integrating your faith, join us for an open discussion amongst peers exploring the challenges of living out the Christian faith in this "hurry up and wait" industry. Joined by special guest Tony Award-winning actress (2015 Best Featured Actress in a Musical, The King and I) Ruthie Ann Miles, we will explore not only how to maintain an identity rooted in Christ amidst the pressures of conforming and perpetual rejection that is hallmark of the industry, but also how our private faith informs the kind of art we create and disseminate to the masses.

I attended this event last night alone and felt incredibly supported by a room full of people who didn’t know me from Adam. I’m still processing so this may be a jumble.

Ruthie Ann began the evening sharing her life story with roughly 40 something men and women in the performing arts industry. Her journey thus far has included depression, suicide watch, heavy medications, supportive friends, a Tony award and learning how to continually trust the goodness of the Lord. She didn’t say the word Tony once. She spoke on how God is continuing to reveal his work around her. What was fascinating to me was that she and the pastor facilitating the evening were not the “speakers.” The most she spoke was describing her life up until now, then the night shifted. It became a conversation about being a Christian actor in an industry full of not just non-Christians, but people who hate Christians. I mostly listened but felt oddly strengthend; what a relief it was to hear my own thoughts voiced by other people. The conversation went back and forth touching on:

The difficultly in spending time with others and attending church on Sundays because of the demanding schedule

Ethical dilemmas and how to be an effective Christian despite fear of persecution that may result in being released from a show or company.

Ruthie Ann addressed how quickly pride can try and rob the glory of the Lord with awards and accolades. 

remembering the fight against what the world teaches us is fulfilling versus what God sacrificed for us in order that we may be restored to perfection one day. 

Several women expressed feeling weak because they didn’t have the words to stand up for themselves that wouldn’t push someone farther away. 

How to tell a good story - what is the redemptive quality in that story

Fighting the inner voices of a “me, me, me” industry; whether that’s insecurities leading us to do insane things or compromise our beliefs, or being overly confident and forgetting humility. 

There weren’t really answers. It will probably be an ongoing conversation for the duration of this world. At the close of the evening, we grouped up in twos and threes and prayed for one another. I met Gail and was privileged to pray for her career and where God was leading her next. She, in turn, prayed for me. Gail prayed that God would remind me that He cares for the sparrows, so I have nothing to fear. He will take care of me. It was then, that I realized God was speaking to me. You may read that and think, “oh, how people loooooove throwing around that saying!” But what you don’t know is, I couldn’t sleep the night before. I woke up in the middle of the night with the hymn, His Eye is On the Sparrow in my mind. I thought it was random. It wasn’t. It took everything in me not to wrap my arms around Gail and cry at the reminder of God’s faithfulness. The pastor prayed over us as a group and then I left. 

My goal as an actor, who is a Christian, is not to fight the opposition and try and try and change their minds. It’s to figure out how to use my gifts that my Creator has equipped me specifically with to show people the love of Christ. I am praying for redemption in the industry, of course, and that opportunities will come along to share my faith. But, I think it’s more about being different and knowing that God will make me strong despite the opposition i’m guaranteed to face as a Christian, no matter what the industry. 

[ssvirginia]

It has been far to long since I last posted and the thought of updating you on everything since June is a tad overwhelming. Let’s just start with, I MOVED TO NEW YORK.  Yep, ‘tis true my readers. All of those conversations you read about me having no idea where I felt called, lots of prayers and then finally, it was clear to me. Did the Lord speak firmly to me in a dream or present himself in a way that told me, “Go…live in New York,” Not quite. However, it did become clear that I needed to decide and trust that He would take care of me. I moved May 31st. It has had it’s beautiful moments and challenging moments so far and I’m anticipating loneliness to take it’s toll at some point. The longer i’m here though, the more it feels right. New York has been a thought since I was a little girl in drama camp, cast as Bush A in the play, Bremen Town Musicians. I had a couple of lines but I loved every second. I lived for Regis and Kelly and loved movies. My hope for college was to be the next Samantha Brown and host Great Hotels on the The Travel Channel. The pressures of the real world and southern expectations got the better of me. I wouldn’t change anything about my job experiences or the people i’ve met through the process. However, i’ve realized that not acting is giving in to fear of failure. Therefore, I am in NYC conquering that fear. I will start acting classes this September. The goal is to try and fall forward. This city is full of beauty and brokenness. I’ve already encountered people who are putting it all on the line to chase a dream. There is hard work involved and a lot of sacrifice. But isn’t that where we find beauty sometimes? I’ll leave you with a quote I read this morning and it felt extremely personal:  

God created his image-bearers to glorify him in creative accomplishments and he’s pleased by them. God is pro-culture; he is the creative artist behind and over human culture. - Randy Alcorn

[ssvirginia]

Bittersweet.

Let me clear, brokenness doesn't automatically bring us to the thin place, the sacred place where God's breath and touch are closer than our own skin. Heartbreak brings us lots of places - to despair, to bitterness, to emptiness, to numbness, to isolation. But because God is just that good, if we allow the people who love us to walk with us right through the brokenness, it can also lead to a deep sense of God's presence. When things fall apart, the broken places allow all sorts of things to enter, and one of them is the presence of God. - Shauna Niequist

I have been experiencing the Lord in a new way. It’s almost been 2 months since I got news of my dad passing away and emotionally, i still feel pretty raw. There have been a few people who have pursued me wholeheartedly even amidst their own pain and heartache. I went to counseling yesterday and started crying talking about how overwhelming (in a wonderful way) it is to have a couple of friends like that. It never occurred to me how rich a friendship can become when someone walks alongside of you through a loss. The Lord knows what we need even when we don’t…and by we, i DEFINITELY mean me. It’s a loaded question that i’m often afraid to answer. Since deciding earlier this year to pursue counseling for a number of things, i’ve experienced God’s goodness in such a clear way. He has given me friends who understand; he’s given me an outlet for emotions through acting class; he’s given me an acting class who took it upon themselves to pay for a month of class for me to not have to worry about money; he’s given me a roommate who has loved and been more gracious to me than i could have ever imagined; i got to experience the Masters with my incredible sister and best friend (a trip my dad definitely a part of, spiritually). There was one night in particular a few weeks ago where I got to worship the Lord supernaturally. It was an event called city wide worship and i’ve never felt the presence of the Lord like I did in that moment. My whole body was filled to the brim with joy and love and peace…there was laughing, shouting and dancing; lots of dancing. It was a glimpse of heaven. I am so excited to one day be a part of that and it never end. My friend sent me the Shauna Niequist quote last night. I read Bittersweet years ago when my psoriasis was consuming every ounce of my being. My friend is reading it now in a similar season of despair. Shauna has so beautifully put the feeling into words for my friend and i. Heartbreak has brought me closer to the Lord in a survival sense. God is tenderly redeeming my loss through friendship and a “deep sense of [his] presence.” Thank you Lord.

[godsfingerprints]

O God, I have tasted Your goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want You; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Your glory, I pray, so I may know You indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, ‘Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.’ Then give me grace to rise and follow You up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.” A. W. Tozer

[ssvirginia]

I went and saw Cinderella by myself yesterday. It was the most relaxed i’ve felt in weeks, though not without tears. My anxiety has been elevated lately and I have lived with an undercurrent of sadness (if not overcurrent?) every day. I’m still not fully ready to sit down and write/create yet either; the stillness is a lot to think about. Until that time comes, i’m seeking ways to be fed creatively. Cinderella did just that with its dreamy costumes, whimsical score and lovely cast. I hope to be in a movie like this one day. A dream is a wish your heart makes, right? 

[ssvirginia]

how far that little candle throws its beams.

william shakespeare

*a dear friend gave me a card this past week with that quote on it. in light of the current event that has rocked my world, it's an interesting, yet appropriate choice. i have no idea how symbolic my friend was trying to be, if at all, but paired with an actual candle this quote challenges me to be the little candle that casts its beam out into the world. i wasn't quite sure how my dad cared for people in his life until I was face to face with them, listening to stories of how my dad went on daily walks with a couple; fought for a friend to get a raise in the company they both worked for; made people laugh and apparently talked about my brother, sister and I more than any of us knew. there were more stories than i was prepared for and it was comforting to know my dad was cared for. i didn't know how much i would miss my dad until he left this earth to be with the Lord. it reminded me to be present; to fight for people who need fighting for and let people know they are loved. 

[ssvirginia]

Nick Offerman (referencing multiple Friday Night Lights):

I met Amy in the early 90′s and she is like a superhero mixed with both Coach and Tammie Taylor from FNL, as well as Tim Riggins and a little Landry.

If that isn't one of the greatest descriptions of a human being, i'm not sure what is. Why care about looking silly? That's why kids have so much fun, isn't it? Kids don't know how to care about looking silly; that's one of my new goals, be silly, feel silly and love it!

[ssvirginia]

The wedding scene from one of my favorite movies, About Time. This movie is full of great moments but this one is near the top. I found it appropriate for the day. From a girl who loves red dresses, weddings, italian music and goofy guys, Happy Valentine's Day! Let's see the beauty through the rain. 

[ssvirginia]

Goals. One time I was in a flash mob downtown with some friends, that was a dream come true…even though it wasn't the best flashmob ever. It was an experience I'll never forget and a bucket list adventure accomplished. I work for a company that focuses on goals: short term, long term, 1 year, 5 year, 10 year in life, fitness and career. That's a lot to think about for someone (cough cough, yours truly) who has always felt a little restricted by the idea. I've recently chosen to wrap my head around the fact that dreams and goals are, in a way, a bucket list with measurable actions and a timeline. It helps keep our eyes and mind on the prize. One of my career goals is to make a living acting. I've had a lot of fear around that because it's a tough road for Christians. 

Tonight, I was deeply encouraged while in a new class for auditioning. The man who teaches it is a pastor for a homeless ministry church. Pause for amazement. He's inspiring and had a quick conversation with me about being the salt and light of the world and praying for opportunities to be those things ON SET.  Why didn't I ever think about that instead of worrying about all the limitations? My new prayer is for opportunities to share the love of Jesus in the acting world. Get behind me WORRY, you're so stressful! 

[ssvirginia]

Today I found out that Aziz Ansari and I were both born in 1983. I knew we had a connection.