StarCat Poetry

A place I make poetry for a cleanse of emotion. Each Poem will have emotion tags so you can look for love, or for sad/depressing poems of mine.

[starcat-poetry]

My knees my knees...

They feel like glitter and bees.

The world is an illusion we create.

If it's grim the devastation is your own.

For you thought it; It so has became and so become.

[starcat-poetry]

Schrodinger's Author

[Spooky Story Contest Entry for Orange Crush]

On a late night dark and dreary a man was at his desk. He was a writer, though his publications haven't really made him feel like such as of late. He swore to his wife almost every day that he would make a novel that would free them from any economic worry and struggle. Nights like these were so restless. The flame of his candle on his desk kept flickering. He was tired and couldn't sleep. All his ideas felt mediocre and cheap.

Yawning with morning stupor, his eyes began adjusting to the room around him. His wife was frustrated with his nonpunctual behavior. She usually put most of her efforts of cooking anything throughout the day into breakfast. It was the most important meal of the day of course. He told her he'd be back he was just going to grab something from his study. She proceeded to rewarm his breakfast in slight annoyance.

She loved him, and he was starting to think maybe tomorrow he'd surprise her by cooking breakfast for her. As he was slowly walking back to his study he passed by his cat giving it a few pets before finally making it to the study. He grabbed his book and started paging through it with his digits reading as he was walking back, talking to the cat. The cat was following and meowing in response to his talking periodically. He stopped midstep and his cat lain over his feet as he was in pause on a page he wrote. "Did I seriously write this? How mediocre. I'll have to redo this page after a cup of coffee because it is NOT my best work."

He tore the page out and crumpled it. Then a thought occurred to him. "Wait, wasn't the cat just at my feet?…. I didn't hear or feel him leave…" Panning around, his view started to blur and everything was too quiet. Where did his wife go? Was she mad at him? Figures. He was coming right back!! Damn. He better thank her before she goes to work probably. It's only proper manners of course. He opened his hand from the crumpled paper as it begun to flicker and spazz sporadically like a sparkler of ink and paper. It fizzed out and disappeared. It just dawned on him… That page was not only part of his story, but it was inspired by real life… Could it be…? No. He was just tired, clearly he is imagining things or maybe he's still asleep. He looked down at his book and the ripped rigid surface at the inner spine of the book where he tore the page from… It was… Starting to bleed? Is this ink?

He looked closer and the dark color risen from black seeming liquid to red. A fountain of blood spattered all over the walls refusing to stop and he swore he was having a very terrible night terror and screamed in disbelief closing the book with all of his frantic might he could muster up with haste. It started to leak blood like a garden hose that had been stepped on with pressure building up in the girth of it's bind it's tome practically swelling and throbbing like it was going to explode..!! And then after a few moments, it started to slow down and before you knew it… It stopped. There still was a mess all over the book and walls. His face. Just about everything. In horror he opened his palm to see the page that disappeared looking slightly transparent… Floating ominously. "Do it right, but don't doubt yourself tonight. Finish it." It echoed in a demonic tone.

He slowly…. Started to open the book again with caution and to his surprise it bled no longer. He started to write on the next page the replacement page for the page he had torn but the way he wish he had written it in the first place. He heard a noise in the kitchen and looked up. His cat was there! He dropped his pen to hug his cat in relief, he had thought his cat and wife became lost or died from this weird hellscape author curse. He heard his wife in the other room and was overjoyed! He rushed to her room near the kitchen and give her the quickest kiss and loving embrace, the cat jumping on the bed to join in familial reunion and rejoice.

He looked closer at the cat from far away lips locked in his wife's… To his horror, his cat was missing the other half of his face, it was phantom flickering in and out of focus. He backed out of his kiss and cleaned his glasses putting them back on. He then looks at his wife only to realize… Half of his wife wasn't his wife. It was just an illusion that started melting into inken puddle on the floor. While one half was very real!! "What the fuck!" He exclaimed in panic. He had to finish the book. It then occurred to him. Something smells funny. He heard the fire alarm sounding off. The food she was reheating for him cast aflame to the kitchen and was deeply engulfing the kitchen in fire and fume. He rushed into the kitchen to grab his book but it was too late. It was starting to go ablaze! This is bad!

He had to put the fire out even if it costed him dire consequences! He without thinking started to hit it's flexible binding against his shirt. To his luck most of his shirt frayed and put the flames out but he had gotten severely burned near his abdominal and upward. That would scar badly later. The fire alarm started to dial down as the house started to become drizzled by the emergency fire sprinklers. His house and kitchen seemed fine and he walked outside to take a breath away from the fumes and to cry from the crazy amount of stress inducing events that had transpired. He slicked back his hair after having a breath and looked up….. He was no longer in reality… But his own reality that was paradoxically time gated from the disaster of his cursed writing… Behind him stood his wife, while he was facing the outside tears streaming down his face… Her figure looming over his started to shake and shamble before it evaporated into ashes and taken flight into the wind as the last words escaped her pursed lips before she crumbled were, "I'll be back, don't forget to write."

Never again, was anything ever the same. He turned around and his half alive half ink paradoxed cat nudged his back standing ontop of a brand new empty book his wife bought him as a gift that was a hardcover that had his name on it in golden ink. He opened it to the inner prepage to see, "From your loving wife. I love you dear." If he could remember his life with her and his cat and write how it ended, his hopes lain on if he remembered enough about her to make sure she was infact, herself again one day when he musters the courage to write again.

But even if he did, could he live with knowing that even if what he wrote was real, him writing everything made it just as not real to him anymore? He pondered what that would mean for him now… As he hugged his paradox cat and walked inside shutting the door. You then see a drawing really well done by the wife herself in the end page of his gifted empty book of her drawing and interpretation of herself, her husband, and their cat. The ink smeared where the names were.

(Author's note I avoided using names on purpose to make it more mysterious, immersive for pov reasons, and to add to the last paragraph's worry weight of oh shit what were their names?)

[starcat-poetry]

Diary of a Deadman

(Planning to format this into a song) Reaching out for help but it's so far away I'm just trying to plan out the next day Trapped in the funk in my cold capsule bunk Light peering in through the beams

I wish I knew how to dream again Hopeless as it seems I keep reaching through the capsule's glue The barrier foundation slime coating me

It's killing me, burning me alive! Man I'm just tryin not to die! I talk to my friends but they're talking to someone else Someone who they don't know Who am I looking in the mirror Can't say it's having an identity I fear But what if my identity doesn't exist at all What if it's all just the broken perception Everyone's different perceives of me I don't know who I've got to be I feel like a vampire looking in the mirror

You're talking to me but joke's on you I'm not even here I'll watch movies and play games but little do you know There's nothing left, I'm a harrowingly dark deep pit I keep trying to fight it You see armor standing tall If only you saw the inside The dark flames and no man inside resides at all There's still flames inside of me But there's only so much charcoal from the burned and destroyed life To keep the fire alive I'm trying to break through to survive. Life's a bitch, isn't it? I'll keep tugging the rope see how my hands burn Burn from the sheer friction that's myth over fiction Truth seeking for the bullets to tear through the ether Scream, scream, screaming until I seethe, seethe I gotta believe, believe, believe But it's getting to me, I need to manifest my destiny But I can't seem to get a grip I can't seem to no, no Can't seem to Flip the telescope, stars seeking through me looking for the drip

Drip drip of a dream the last tears I cried the many people who have died the collection of people who chosen over truth to lie Loan me another tomorrow and you can bet your bottom dollar Bet your bottom dollar Bet your bottom dollar that the rocks and gravel broke my fall Shrivel deep inside of me I need fucking therapy I can't feel anything, and if I do it's pain I need the broken glass pulled from my brain I don't have the strength left to go against the grain Pull the blinds on my eyelids shut chain by chain chain by chain Please break and reform the system Make the difference you were to make today if you have a spoon to spare an ear to listen be there for your friends, they may not always get the choice to be there anymore. One day they can just cease to exist, so do your best. Do your best for me, do your best for them, for all you love, for this song. This song is for you, this song was for me. I'm just going to keep trying to pull through. I'll do it for you.

[starcat-poetry]

Preliminary Long Lost Self-Restructure

What is happening anymore I can't even tell All I know is I feel like hell

I can't tell what's real anymore I just wish I knew what these feelings are for Where the fuck am I Forget about who the fuck I am I just know I'm a wandering man I keep inside myself, Can't do much else The hurt inside of me is real can't you see? Watch it fly through all the colors my pen bleeds

Out the feelings go there they are Like a walk or drive in a car

Feelings come and go But I I I But I I I Can't see shit through my eyes

Feelin's fadin me I'm so sad and lonely Everyone else is miserable I need something To smile about

But I can't escape The anxietyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy It's what you made me???

Stress and anxiety Sucked me in completely I'm drowning there it goes, I can't see the coast My vision bleeds Hysterically Crying into the big blue deep Nobody knows, no it ain't that deep If you cry in the ocean, who can really see? Life's a beach

Sand courses roughly through my entirity Seagulls bellowing out gulls for days All you smell is salt, My heart is the ocean My heart is broken.

Sea crested waves say goodbye, I knew there and then, the anxiety of being the sea Never standing still washing and flooding through me Nobody can hug the wind or sea, Sad isn't it?

I know it blows for you, You who read - I know the flavor of reed Reeds breezing through the wind Remind me the mind's a garden And so am I.

If I remember I am the earth we breathe on, Maybe that's another breath and breeze to go on. Maybe the wind, maybe the wind hugs the waves. Touches the sky. Maybe the clouds, loom dark and gloom - Maybe they cry. Maybe we really are just all masses of matter, Perception of color - Gifted have the humans Our perception is far superior, while we too are not.

Treat everyone with all the kindness you've got.

Maybe I'm just sad a lot.

Maybe it's going to be ok. Maybe my stress and anxiety are just different notes in a song. Sing it, listen it, do something with it, forget it.

Oh god, am I stress?

Anxiety is contagious, isn't it?

Take your pen, I'll take mine. Let's draw together a line.

"Sorry anxiety, you didn't get me this time."

"Don't worry I am here to remind-" I remembered, I accept you. I know you're just trying to protect me from fucking things up. But that's sometimes how we grow. Like a star exploding and being born renew, the stress and experiences. The strengths, weaknesses, and differences.

I don't forget you exist, I know anxiety and stress are feelings created through hormone releases given by thoughts and words. But I am allowed to be free, it's just an alfabet. Perceive your chains broken, shall they be. Imagination is strained but free. Live with this philosphy but recognize pattern of thought and questioning versus making plans and fix problems you can, and problems you can't. With problems you can't fix, you learn to cope. Just don't make it your neckrope. Use it to help you though I'm no boss, reap what you sew it's your loss.

Perception is not fact, but nor is it not augmented reality, Just remember you're you, and I'm me.

[starcat-poetry]

I'm trying so hard to break free, but the world of glass and metal is caving in on me.

I'm stuck under rubble and ruin and there's something better I should be doing.

Sore as I, scored, scorched, battled, beaten down, and flayed...

Battle bestow grief in only increments of delay...

Pull out the sword, but not a moment too soon. Do it now, now I say confusion elludes the wound.

Pull free, shatter the illusions binding you, break the very mold that you knew...

The sacrifices are worth the blue, bones, blood, sweat, and glue.

Become you.

[starcat-poetry]

Second Guess I'm starting to see

The parts of me

I never wanted to know

It's degraded, degrading

Everything whole

I never knew I was this bad

But all there is is shattered glass

The glass once a window you could see through

Now a bleeding stained many faceted murder weapon bleeding out glue

[starcat-poetry]

Brink Zero Double and triple the noose

Wait do I have something to lose

Cut me loose while I

Take a drink of booze

My content flatter than my soul

Honestly, I don't know what's left why don't I go

I'm feelin

Aw I'm feelin

Feelin the burn of rope and ill concern

Who the fuck cares if Im gone? Do you?

I've lost far more than a couple screws

I don't even know what to do!

I'M LOOSIN MY FUCKING MIND

And everyone thinks I'm doin just fine

Nobody believes me

How many people actually need me

What is life

What is love

Stop tinkering with your autopsy glove!

Slam me onto the slab and defibrillate me!

Give me that sweet motivational electricity!

[starcat-poetry]

Snapped Strings

You light a fire in my heart Then you tore it apart I thought I was the puppetmaster Afraid of my hands catching aplaster My heart beat faster You took my hand, said it would be alright You helped me through my fights You called me your Moon Prince Now I realize something before I did not see You were the one controlling me You pulled my strings Every string that snapped and stinged You told me it’ll be alright But here I am, I’m losing the fight Here I am, alone without you I don’t even know what to do When you looked into my eyes You took the light from my soul Ripped out my eyelashes One by one    One by one       One by one When you were done,      You told me not to cry. I saw nothing wrong with it, I was driving senseless Deep down I knew, I knew, I knew But I don’t know what I knew But I did, oh yes I knew I knew all along I just went with the song It’s so hard to trust myself I trusted you And that’s all. I did. It’s true. I kept trustingggggggg you. I had so many Trust issues From the past It had made me fragile glass When I broke I said sorry You told me it was okay, but now I don’t know I don’t know Were you caring about me WHY SHOULD I CARE WHY SHOULD I CARE  But I did. It got me... Nowhere... I was afraid to become the monster Something worse happened cry imposter You ended up the monster I was afraid to become I never knew. This entire time I sometimes wished I was more like you. Knowing now, you’re a monster. Maybe that’s an insult to monsters all around... Who am I? Where can I be.... found.... Broken, broken, broken, broken Fallen down, falling down, fell down, down deep below To forge a new heart To break myself apart Build myself again There is no blueprints..... If I built myself back up again, I worry Without the blueprint Without what I knew Will I be me still? To what ends will I sew Becoming a monster, becoming a monster, Possible as it can be Why are you saying sorry You don’t know what that means GET THE FUCK OFF MY SEAMS GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY DREAMS YOU’RE NOT WHO YOU SEEM YOU’RE A LIE IN FABRICATED REAL TIME YOU’RE SO OUT OF LINE Clouds surrounding closing in Time to figure out how to say good bye Should I?

[starcat-poetry]

Every night, people try to sleep.

People fear death, the secrets he keeps.

Every rainfall, people fall.

Spiders... Every night they crawl.

"Why do we have death, have death at all?"

"As the protection/balance to avoid starvation from over populace", the snake said.

"Why do we have the night? I hate it, I cannot see. Not at all."

The snake patiently coiled contently. "Without night, the sun cannot rest nor can you.... Though you may not believe it true."

Impatiently, man watching people recooping inside during a heavy rain, as thunder and lightning sets fire to a nearby tree. The snake unphased by this, he begins to yawn a hiss. "Rain is but the water the earth drinks. Without it, would you even have sinks?" Before the man could lift a lip to speak. His face said it all.

In disbelief and impatience, the man shuffles around and shows the snake a spider bite he had displayed. "Bet you can't explain this one, explain this one. If you can. Spiders belong under my foot, shoe, or hand. Understand?"

The snake sighed tired of playing these games. "Without spiders.... The world would never be the same. Bugs everywhere, man's ignorance and hatred to blame. Spiders control pestilence, and balance the world as we know it. Everything does. Things you love. Things you hate. It doesn't relate. The world doesn't revolve around you. It was here before you, even before man. Do you now understand?"

Before the man could much less ask any further about why the snake could talk or why he existed and knew so much... He was gone. The snake knew the next question that the man would infact ask, but he... Didn't actually know. Crazy to believe. It started to snow.

Today was the day he fell. So hard, no bones could break. He would suffer bearing the pain, bearing the pain forever. Oh the ache. Of mankind.

He himself, she herself, we ourselves cannot explain.

The day you will remember, that of the snake.

Needn't question if it was fake.

He has nothing left to lose, not even faith.

That's why everyone... Fears a snake.

[starcat-poetry]

my shadow's full of cicadas and bees

clenching my hands on the keys

where will you go what will you do

the air whispers through

i don't know i can't answer this soliloquy

i don't know what you want of me

but i know it's more than i signed for

tears and alcohol bathe the floor

i'm miserable with you

but i'm miserable without you

but then i realize what we had and have

guess it ain't much and that stabs

caressed my shadows with poison pride

you're always intoxicated on greed

you're some cache of sin but sin's what i need

my heart is itching & hurting ivy scars bleed

am i what you need or is that just anybody

i don't feel special at all to him i'm not free

someone open the door to let me breathe

poison clouds my dignity

i'm coiled up hear me scream

wake up it was just a dream

ah the sweet whiskey torture of reality

[starcat-poetry]

For every finger on my hand

There's things about you I can't stand

You literally have the world open

Like cards on the table and you choose

And you choose to be unstable

The world at your fingertips

Your hands tracing on my hips

Then you stop because you're not sure

And now, and now, now I'm unsure

What exactly was going through your head

What. What. What were you looking for

I can't lie and say I know every book

Book you ever read

I'm starting to drown less and be set on fire

You were my desire

What the fuck happened to that

Why was I never good enough for you

You just pick things off that you're not into

Dude I'm not a fucking pizza

There's no leftovers or picking parts of me

You can't reprogram me

Stop trying to change me

I can't believe how everything is turning

My world

My world

My world's burning

Thanks 2020 for the shitty consistency

[starcat-poetry]

I can't fucking sleep

Nothing my mind does but weep

I want to roll off my bed

Fall onto the floor void of dread

Plague me with sugar dreams

Make my seams heal with sugar and creme

There's nothing left to prove

I'm weak in the mid-deadest of a groove

All of this decay in that which I sleep

Please remind me to keep

My dreams long deep in summer nights

The bats clammer their flight

Dreaming in fall, loving you

Saves me the sweetest irony

That while something dies -

Something grows anew

My trust in you

Sleep tonight I will

Guess you're my void fill

[starcat-poetry]

Everything is stained.

Alas, the portrait is but a brushfire holiday.

[starcat-poetry]

You may not feel the things the way I do

I guess that much is true

But my duality is rising

My insanity is guising

It's kinda hypnotizing

Sometimes I forget what day it is

Sometimes? Ha, just take up my vis

Vis-Visual oddity,

I can't see anythin fuckin normally

Every thought process is an anomaly

Sometimes I just wish to sleep

But call my manager, it ain't coffee

Listen, quit complainin to me

I don't even know how to breathe

My ship's sinking I'm breathing water

Fuck it's almost like I forgot what I'm after

Would you still love me

If I was uncharted below the sea

Sunken in, just like a broken cruise

My brain and heart been heavily abused

My past constantly stalks me

But here I am lifting weights

Counting the days

When I'll be held in arms

Instead of fighting the war

Instead of feeling the strobe of alarms

Alarms in my head that won't turn off

Anxiety, shit what else do I think of

Oh no oh shit I'm mad from overthinking

I still can't stop sinkin

Will you be the last bubbles that surface

I'm feeling isolated socially retracted

Everything I think fuckin redacted

What even is the point if I can't cut a break

Brain is way too baked

Can't can't can't break awake

Tired all the time

No reason for rhyme

Don't got a direction to go

Gotta find a way tho

Neurotypically in compensated

My lights are fucking faded

I'm just..... Way too lost...

...I'm uncharted.

[starcat-poetry]

"The night wanders, it wonders; It wonders if you enjoy it's harmonies. It wanders into your dreams."

[starcat-poetry]

[T ] here still was so much I didn't comprehend.

Going into your soul. Mind. I saw things I didn't understand still. Not because I didn't desire to. No. This was far beyond one's understanding. Comprehensive skills could never penetrate this place's barrier. It saddened me. I felt my heart gravitate to the floor like it weighed that of an anvil. My heart broke past the dampened floor boards waterlogged to a cardboard-like strength. The water dripping down as loneliness stales the very air thin of water and blood. My hands shake and tremor in retaliation. "We're not supposed to be here!" my fingers trembled. I felt it. Blue and crying, the essence of your sadness. The particles of black occasionally filtering through the water. Betrayal aged into these black speckles in the water. I instantly was soaked in your sadness with the power of artist empathy. My knees shaking as they sunk to the floor in an unstoppable gravitational pull.

Your sadness hurts but I hadn't dreamt of running from it. Says I, the desert man who appreciated every last drop of water as your soul held so much.

Your heart is but a Steam jet that only few can touch, hold, and admire without getting scalded. That's what made it so special. Love should be unconditional - As I love you. Because as long as we laugh together at the waterlogged campfire, it is ours. The bond there in lay. We built our bonds upon the water. And someday your waterlogged nightmare will grow with moss, tadpoles, lillies, fireflies, and beauty from the everglows of your heart. For I didn't have to understand to appreciate.

[starcat-poetry]

I've got you under my spell.

These arrows you won't be able to repell.

Let them pierce the veil.

They'll burn more than any liquor or ale.

Your heart will whisper it's last under my poison quell.