Heartbreak

Just a vent blog, to whatever seems relevant to my heart || Nick || 20 || he/him ||

[stardustcoloredfreedom]

Y de todas las personas, me enamoré de una que no me ama, y lo esperaré, con la fé de que en algún momento lo haga.

[stardustcoloredfreedom]

22/12/2022

Oh you, name that I don't dare to speak, want me as badly as I want you, touch me in any way you please, have me, even if it's a mistake, but know I do want you.

[stardustcoloredfreedom]

28/04/2022

The Dream Of April 26th

I had a dream. 

I’ve dreamt of us ever since we split up, nothing too extraordinary, just something like it’d seem of us to do naturally. However, the one dream of the 26th felt so real I could’ve sworn it wasn’t a dream at all. It started at work after my shift ended I was walking up Colon to meet you, and although my heart had been incredibly tight and my body shaking prior to the end of my shift, as I stood in the cool air in front of the stage I had seen you for the first time at, time seemed to slow down and reality was indifferent as to what we were, who we were, or what time was even, it was as if we were a movie, living again in the spots we’d already been at together. 

Your tall lean frame approached, sliding in the dark night towards me, then we were going to the vantage at the top of the hill. You were telling me what had been of your life, friends, life in general, and when we were sitting on the stairs you started crying. I didn’t comfort you, I didn’t even approach since I figured you didn’t want me close. 

I asked where could we go, and the suggestion of drinking came out. We went to the dreams hotel, it was closed, so then it was the tavern. You were reading the letter I’d written for your- our- goodbye on our way there, and when we’d gotten to the place we sat down on the chairs on the lawn, you had finished reading it and with teary eyes returned the letter to my hands, asked if I still thought that way. I had written my heart out on that letter, I cried out yes, yes I did, and couldn’t hold anymore the urges to hug you tightly, asked if I had your permission? We ordered two glasses of wine and talked and talked and talked and you ordered something to eat. After leaving the place we chose to walk, to keep walking until we just couldn’t keep walking anymore. 

It was a dream. It felt like a dream as we sat together, resting each other's heads on our shoulders, repeating our old phrases, laughing and longing, longing to stay that way forever.

Fifteen years, right?

We walked till we couldn’t walk anymore, till we reached the park we’d first broken up at. We kept on talking and reminiscing about the past that was just months behind us, the past that felt ages ago from who we were right then.

Then it was time to wake up, you were leaving first, then as you were leaving you placed a kiss on my cheek. You were about to turn and leave, again, away, so I grabbed your face, with a sigh, a profound sorrowful sigh, and kissed you, kissed you as if we had never parted, but with the emotion of not having seen you in a lifetime. And as if we were still the same mind, you kissed right back. 

The dream was over.

[stardustcoloredfreedom]

I return here after another heartbreak, and again it is my fault.

I want to embark on a journey of transmutation of my own, to become someone other than myself. Tired of seeking out my missing pieces in the company of others, longing for the solace from loving arms, which would only be a matter of time until I burn them.

[stardustcoloredfreedom]

I'M SUCH AN IDIOT!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[stardustcoloredfreedom]

8/2572021

I have allowed myself to get lost from my goals, from my responsibilities, and now I feel distanced from who I was. Maybe I wasn't really happy, I was just off.

[stardustcoloredfreedom]

8/11/2021

There's something about me in particular that I find interesting, to say the least, I always go for things I can't have, especially people that don't want me back, as soon as they reciprote it gets boring, and I feel the need to leave.

[stardustcoloredfreedom]

8/9/2021

I feel like an idiot, she's using me, I know as soon as she gets tired of me they'll go for Rai, but I can't help it, they're so nice to me, so warm, so soft, they make me feel special, or maybe I'm just addicted to the idea of something I can't have, and this feels so good. I don't want to be into something again, I'm so tired of giving my heart away and have it broken, and I know that is what will happen with her, but it all just feels so nice to be with them.

[stardustcoloredfreedom]

6/29/2021

I'm getting tired, too tired, there's too much on my mind. I lost another friend, the one I loved, and, it's again like he didn't give a shit. I loved you, I loved you so much, and you never gave a fuck, and I thought you would. I am so scared about the future, what will I do? I'm graduating this year, and I am not certain of what to do next, I don't know if I have what it takes, I am burdened with so much guilt over the people I've hurt, and as soon as I try to move forward something shitty happens, I don't know WHAT TO DO, and what I want to do, isn't what I should.

[stardustcoloredfreedom]

5/28/2021

There was this one guy I used to be in love with (and still am). Things between us were complicated because he came out as trans after we met, so my family suggested I should get away from that situation because his mom could blame it on me (thing she ends up doing, she’s still not accepting). I tried to get away but I couldn't, I loved him so much, so I would eventually go to his place and secretly see him.

This went on for a couple of months until I came back from my week at Santiago when the situation with his mom became worse, he told me he needed time for his own and he left me. Then a week later he started dating a former friend of mine.

They broke up a little while ago and I started following him again on instagram and sent him a message asking him to talk because I needed to confess to him that I still loved him, hadn’t been able to move on, and that I was sorry about all that happened, and wanted to be in his life because I couldn't bear the fact that he hated me, or that our relationship was hostile.

After this confession, he told me he didn't want anything to do with me because I didn't deserve a second chance in his life, that he didn't love me anymore and didn't deserve to be his friend. I profusely apologize for bothering him and kept on with my life this week he messaged me calling himself a hypocrite for telling me to keep on when he couldn’t do it himself. Turns out he was going to ¡¡¡TW!!! attempt, I tried to calm him down as I could and comforted him. We kept talking for two days, and I begin to be suspicious cause he told me he didn't want to do anything with me the week before. I asked him what he wanted from me, and he says he was frustrated because the situation between us didn't end up as it should have been, that we didn't get enough time, to which I said “but you know I'm still in love with you, right?” and he says that he loves me too, at this point I am feeling a lot of things because he had told me he didn't want anything to do with me, that he didn't love me anymore so I asked him what that was about,the said he was trying to convince himself that he was better off without me, and me being the dumb idiot that I am (never knowing myself worth, thinking I’ll never deserve anything) fell for him again, and I can't deny it, I do love him! But I'm so scared that he will hurt me again leaving me, I have such an emotional conflict at the moment.

[stardustcoloredfreedom]

5/25/2021

I'm still in love with you, but ours is a bitter hurting love, to which I'm addicted, one that reminds me I wasn't enough, to regret all I've ever done, and still, I want to, to crawl back to you, to us, and kiss you as I should have, cause as bitter as it could've been, to me it was the sweetest one I could have lived.

[stardustcoloredfreedom]

5/09/2021

The idea of everything is getting overwhelming, of existing. I feel so guilty over people who I've made leave my life, and I don't want to keep on going anymore, I feel like I don't deserve to, that's why on august the first I'm putting an end to things, and now there's nothing stopping me.

[stardustcoloredfreedom]

The young Red haired man rested his weight gently against the glass fence that limited the balcony of Eugene's house, the sky was so clear you could actually see stars, and the moonlight so bright the objects and furniture was able to be seen neatly, without any lights on. Eugene's dog, Casper, was sitting next to him, panting softly.

"What are you doing there?"

Nick turned, it was him, approaching him from the kitchen, making his way to him, he smiled fondly at his query.

"Come here, you'll like this"

The older man walked towards the balcony, as he got next to Nick he bent over slightly to pet Casper on the head, who was already wagging his tail on excitement for seeing his dad.

He rose, locked eyes with Nick and smiled. Nick couldn't help but feel his face burn a little bit at the eye contact, he looked away and brought a hand behind his head, scratching gently.

Eugene look around, scanning the view from the apartment to the outside world.

"So, what did you want me to see?"

"Me, obviously"

Both chuckled.

They stood next to each other in silence, enjoying the company, and the refreshing chilly night after a very hot day. If Nick concentrated enough, he could hear Eugene's breathing, a car faintly driving on the road, a siren, and the breeze making the tree leaves shuffle around.

"I wanted you to see the stars, they're beautiful tonight"

Eugene hummed, they were bright, distant, perfect.

Nick turned his head, taking in Eugene's tall frame, his handsome, yet rough face, his rather small eyes, tired by the time, however, the light in them never ceased, his lips, wrinkly from his habit of pursing them when he focuses on something, his eyes, those green eyes where he lost himself into. Eugene turned to him and smiled.

"What are you looking at so intently, huh?"

Nick blushed again and looked away, to which Eugene only laughed at. He brought his hand up and grasped the younger man's shoulder, then pulled him in to an embrace, Nick, who was previously tensed up, relaxed immediately, and snuggled up a little bit into Eugenio's warmth.

He sighed, and said

"We take so many things for granted.."

Eugenio looked at him, wondering what he meant.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm saying, we smell nice things and don't stop to enjoy them, we feel things that we don't say, and the moment we realize this, it's too late and they've already left."

They stood next to each other's warmth, Nick under Eugene's soft embrace, and looked up to him.

"But now, I want to keep this moment forever with me, because I feel at peace, and my heart feels joy."

He stepped back and went to grasp the older man's hands, clasping them with his own.

"There's something I've been meaning to tell you,"

"You're not going to propose to me, are you?"

Both laughed wholeheartedly.

"No, of course not dumbass, I wanted to tell you, that I.." he trailed off nervously, "ever since I met you I felt there was something special about you, you're the brightest person I've ever metz the kindest, the smartest, and the most charming one, you've been my rock when I've felt the world was ending, and you've given me joy when I couldn't even bare to stand, I have this and many other reasons so say, Juan Eugenio, that I love you, and I mean it."

Nick closed the notes app, put his phone away turning it off, and with this nice fantasy, went to bed.

[stardustcoloredfreedom]

Hey, ever since the moment I saw you, you caught my eye, there was something about you, a mysterious aura, the dark clothes, the whole you was appealing, your mom said you asked her if I was “like you?”, you were the first person like me I ever got to know in person, the first day we hung out was so unreal, a real person whom I could relate to?? it was insane, the way you spoke, your gestures, your stories, you were amazing. I crushed on you, your rare not so often smile, your beautiful freckels, black hair the was too straight to rise on its own, the very tacky caps, but over all, your inteligence and solidarity, you would always help me and watch out for me. But, I know you don’t want me back.

[stardustcoloredfreedom]

Help.

Why do I feel like this?

My entire face goes red.

My breathing gets shallow and short.

I feel like fading away.

[stardustcoloredfreedom]

23/09/2020

Life is just so full of disappointments, and something as beautiful as love happens to carry more than the rest.

I shouldn't have spoken more than I should.

I shouldn't have.

I shouldn't have.

I shouldn't have.

I shouldn't....

[stardustcoloredfreedom]

June 26th, 2019

Would you hold my hand?

I'd write you a book, not to show off, but because there are so many things I want to say to you and believe I'll never get the chance to say them. I wish it were just you and I, apart from everything that's between us, between me telling you how I feel and holding your hand. Please, will I ever have it?