ELIAS WANTS TO WIN TUMBLR SEXYMAN AND W. D. GASTER IS DIVORCED - PT.1
CW and Tags for this Chapter: Tumblr Sexyman Contest 2026, The Magnus Archives, Crack, Elias Bouchard, Elias Bouchard vs Jesus match, quite some TMA spoilers, mention of Cecil 
As Elias Bouchard strolled into the 2026 Tumblr Sexyman Contest Arena he was positive of gaining the title of “Tumblr Sexyman”.
No doubt he had all the needed characteristics: he had a charming personality, a fitting body (crafted by the most experienced hands of the fandom) and an exquisite voice.
Not to mention all the QUOTES and his undeniable queerness.
He reckoned that if that one radio-eye-voice-guy from the US had been able to make it and take the title the previous year, he would face almost no opposition.
He could already taste his victory, he did not have to worry about the presence of his Archivist (who did fit into the “wet cat meow meow” archetype, but posed no threat to Elias' very sexy voice) and the Distortion (who he had no idea how it entered the competition in the first place).
Elias Bouchard looked at the public, grinning, waiting for his opponent.
At that exact moment a church choir erupted from the rows in the back.
“Must be one of those… What was it? Hazbin Hotel beings,” Jonah thought. “Surely an easy victory, considering the hatred held towards them.”
From the sky two people slowly descended.
A Palestinian woman, with a halo adorning her head and a face one could only describe as “kind”, was leading a young man down some invisible stairs. Maybe he was her son? They did resemble each other quite a lot.
Both had the sweetest look in their eyes and the most comforting smile one could ever imagine.
The young man reached the ground and turned to the woman.
“Thank you, mum” he said, waving as his mother ascended to the skies above (always accompanied by an angelic choir).
The public erupted in yells, squeals and discussions as the speakers turned on.
“Good Morning to all the Tumblr Community!”
The announcer- Wait, Elias recognised that voice…
IT WAS CECIL (from the hit podcast Welcome to Night Vale)
“Here we are at the 44th match of our First Round.” The public screamed while some people tore their clothes from jubilation and other very strong positive emotions.
“With today’s contestants it will surely be quite a difficult match!” Exclaimed Cecil.
“On our left we have Elias Bouchard! Main antagonist of The Magnus Archives, a horror podcast distributed by RustyQuill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Share Alike 4.0 International licence!” He explained pointing the spotlight on Elias, who bathed in the shining light as he tried to show off his totally-not-practiced-10-times-in front-of-a-mirror smirk.
Many people from the public started yelling, one guy even brought out a big-ass poster with “ELIAS CAN MAGNUS MY DIH” written on it, surrounded by many hearts. Really, how touching.
Bouchard could taste the easy-ass victory from a mile away.
“On our left we have JESUS CHRIST FROM NAZARETH,” announced Cecil, turning on a spotlight on Jesus. Elias’ heart stopped beating as he took a long, serious look at the other contestant, understanding, at last, that he was fucked (and not in the sexy and accepted by the fandom sense).
He was against JESUS of all people.
But, Elias realised as he took a breath to calm himself, that was not going to change anything.
If the public voted for Jesus that would probably count as blasphemy and they wouldn’t want that, would they? He had nothing to worry about, he was sexy and he was charming and that was all that it took to win.
He looked at the gigantic screen displaying the votes that had just popped into existence in the middle of the room.
“This is such a lovely day, am I right?” Asked Jesus, suddenly looking at Elias with a smile. “It has been centuries since the last time I was able to come down here, I really missed it.” “Without a doubt,” said Elias, still turned away from Christ.
“Do you know what these people are discussing?” Jesus asked, his eyes beaming with happiness and that kind of childlike wonder that is so rare to see, “They look so invested!”
“They are pondering on which one of us two is more, how to say, breedable?” Jonah explained, though, looking at Jesus’ confused - but in no way judging - expression, he could see that some more context was needed. “These fine gentlemen, gentlewomen and gentlepeople are trying to establish which one of us they would rather have a hypothetical intercourse with”
“…Wha-“ started Jesus, but was interrupted by a loud buzz signaling the halt of the voting time.
Elias lifted his eyes to the screen and barely managed to suppress an annoyed grunt, as he tried to figure out what his next move would be. Jesus, ignoring the screen, looked at the beaming public and, seeing all those people genuinely happy, he smiled at them too, opening his arms.
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