phosphenes;

poetry blog of a struggling med student.

[starsbehindmyeyelids]

in darkness i linger, always in shadow always in the sidelines, never seen ephemeral missing out on things, missing out on life touch starved and wasting away left out, unwanted, unloved feeling numb "you'll be alright" but i wasn't - never was. tired, tired, tired loneliness creeping its way into my heart brokenness seeping its way into my soul fear choking my lungs, gasping for breath i never wanted to be here i wish i was dead instead

i wish i was dead instead by clarizza a.

[starsbehindmyeyelids]

I dreamt of you again. This time, we were at the airport and I saw you first before you saw me. I saw a friend of mine though, so I approached her - hugged her, talked to her. Your ears must be tuned to my voice - for when I spoke, you craned your neck to look at me. My eyes flickered to yours. I caught you off guard. You didn’t know that I was aware of you, the look on your face seemed to debate as to what you should do next - should you ignore me? should you not? Not knowing what to do, you returned to whatever it was you were doing before you heard my voice. But, like always, I surprised you. I smacked your shoulder. “Oh!” you almost jumped out of your seat for you thought that I would choose to ignore you too. As if that’s gonna happen. “Why are you here?” I asked and my voice is not the way it usually sounds. It’s lighter, somehow. More like a song. You told me about the island you went to and you were smiling and I was smiling back at you because I know you loved my smile as much as I love yours. We talked for what seemed like hours and it’s College all over again - your eyes saying things you would not say, my eyes telling you I feel the same.

dream sequence (excerpt #3)

[starsbehindmyeyelids]

i met a girl with stars in her eyes and wildfire in her lungs in a city made of grime and glory. brave little city girl whose bones were concrete, scrawny kid ready to fight anyone who doubts her. get knocked down? rise back up. city girl taught me that. God, she was something. city girl had guts, city girl had big dreams - she was gonna conquer the world! and so, city girl left. i met her again though, in a side street of a different city. a different city girl. lost and confused, eyes dead and dull, lungs filled with sulfur and burnt out dreams. you were so tough, so full of life. what happened to you, city girl? city girl shrugged, said she started smoking, started drinking, started taking drugs to keep the nightmares at bay. life has killed the dream i dreamed. city girl smirked, an ugly thing on a pretty face. city girl wanted to kill herself. city girl wanted the pain to end. and although city girl wanted to kill herself, city girl loved. and boy, did she love fiercely. said that’s why she’s still here, for she loved me, my headstrong city girl.

city girl is me by clarizza a.

[starsbehindmyeyelids]

i’ve got poems written on torn crumpled papers on grocery store receipts on the margins of the books i read. poems turned to lipstick stains on coffee cups and wine glasses, on cigarette butts smelling of nicotine. i’ve got half-formed sonnets and unfinished songs of yearning, scribbled on the walls of my heart. words and letters stuck in my throat, on the palate of my tongue, words that stick to my teeth like saltwater taffy, giving me cavities words that choke the life out of me.

words i never gave voice to out of fear by clarizza a.

[starsbehindmyeyelids]

"What's new?" you ask. two decades of knowing each other and yet you still ask me this. but then again, i never allowed you to get to me, never let you in. because, well, that's just me - i'm an asshole. so i push people away before they can push me away, before they can hurt me. it's better this way. this way, it would be easier to let me go. "same old, same old" i shrug, the corners of my mouth twitching in a sad attempt at a smile. nothing's new. nothing is ever new. all this pain and hatred? All this loneliness? i've always had them. they are like shadows to me. the only ones i've got, the only constants in my pathetic life. "You seem tired." you comment at my yawn, at my bloodshot eyes. "yeah, i am tired." i rub my eyes with the heel of my palm, the tears sting. i finish my drink, slap the bill on the counter. "well, i'm going. see ya when i see ya."

nothing's new (excerpt #2)

[starsbehindmyeyelids]

The air is heavy with humidity and smells of the impending downpour - thunder crackles overhead and lightning flashes a heartbeat later. Or was it the other way around? He doesn’t know. He doesn’t really care which comes first and which comes after. They’ll be synchronized soon enough, he thinks. “We should probably get back.” It’s monsoon season again and, before long, the rain pours. It’s one of those nights where sleep would not come easy and dreams were a bit more scary than they usually were. “What calms a storm?” she muses, her face centimeters away from the window. He looks over at her, watches as the intricate dance of rain and lightning casts shadows across her face, watches as her features soften into what he perceives as longing. It’s a rhetorical question but he shrugs and answers anyway, “I don’t know.”

thunderstorms (excerpt #1)

[starsbehindmyeyelids]

the ocean is a terrible lover she does not know how to love without pain, without passion. she drowns you in waves, drags you in currents you cannot fight. for her it is a lover’s embrace, for you it is death’s arms crushing your ribcage. she makes you gasp for air, fills your lungs with saltwater. for her it is a lover’s kiss, for you it is death’s fingers closing around your throat. she drags you down, deeper and deeper into the belly of the ocean. your eyes roll back. were there always stars underneath the waves? for her it is love making, for you it is passing through death’s door. the ocean is a terrible lover. for her, death is poetic and blissful. she does not know how to love without passion, without pain. she does not know how to love without death.

the ocean is a terrible lover by clarizza a.

[starsbehindmyeyelids]

I was trying to write you down, trying to put you into words. Trying to describe you in the only way I know how. But the words never came, the words were wind and I cannot catch them. I cannot write them down, I cannot make them true. The words are gone, the words are dead.

there are no words by clarizza a.

[starsbehindmyeyelids]

Guilt is a fire inside you. It eats you from the inside, scorching your bones, scorching your soul. lighting your intestines up in flames. It is an inferno raging war filling your lungs with sulfur leaving you nothing but ashes in the dark.

guilt is a fire inside you by clarizza a.