solace

☆

[starseclipsetoo]

moving forward but it feels like drowning, i have no budget for the week but i get a coffee anyway and i buy that print from an artist i love and i go to work and eat a salad and there are revelations happening that feel like an omen, but my best friend is the love of my life and i have a new rug and a cat named plum behind my ear

[starseclipsetoo]

god... here are the words, fragmented, all for you: the time is molasses, which is to say we exist outside of it for just a second, dipped in a honey wine and melted into one another. see i remember it mostly in candle lit flickers of molding my shape to yours, so softly supple and drowsily warm i felt i did not exist if not as an extension of you in that moment. warm, blessedly warm, and so blessed it was just to exist, to experience everything if it meant having you so fragrantly right then. few things have mattered to me as you do and i feel myself pooled into a molten syrup at the memory of holding you, lathered truths and fears and commitments foaming between our two embraced forms, malleable in the mirror of one another. i seem to remember all of you in lapsed film strips playing one over the other ("i can feel that day running underneath this one like an old videotape—"). i think that night my soul blended into yours. i think that night i realized i could love you infinitely if allowed. i love you.

[starseclipsetoo]

4 cups of coffee and a headache so sweltering im dizzy just laying in bed, i think ill get a therapist soon, think ill admit to myself that its time and help is warranted and help is okay. what would i say? (all of it, just any piece) would it matter? (yes, 4 cups of coffee and a headache so sweltering im dizzy just laying in bed) part of me wants to rip everything off of these walls and fall to the floor like the rabid animal i occasionally feel myself to be. (talk about that, talk about that) (why why why?) i need to tear this room apart and recreate it in the same harsh eclipse i did of myself- pry it open and replenish it then hate it again. maybe every year will be like this. maybe ill never live here again. (maybe ill always live here. always always always) im so tired. i think ill close my eyes now.

[starseclipsetoo]

its 10 degrees warmer than last night and my sweatshirt makes me feel heavy like a hug or a headache, tomorrow i have one class and then my first year of college is over. i found a dead fish in the road the other day, all decorated by yellow weeds and gravel crushed and velvet. its all a little blue. the thing is i dont know what im doing or where im going but i know this humidity, know what it brings, know what it does. covered in red and tattoos my life is beginning and ending cyclically, paradoxically. i am 10 degrees warmer and the sun is blinding through the flowered leaves. i hope when i leave milwaukee i dont leave part of myself as well.

[spectrometrie]

The Realmonte Salt Mine in Sicily

[starseclipsetoo]

ive always found myself to feel the world poetically, that is to experience it in such a way i could lose myself in it. i loved the world in such a way i could write about it. that's the difference between you and everything else: i love you so poetically im not sure how to write about it

[starseclipsetoo]

and i could freeze all this, too. run molasses through the water, flower in mud and chaos and feel the breeze upon my cheek, hold it like the sun under my tongue, the sun under Your tongue. we are gentle creatures and ultimately we are nothing at all. if i told you i loved you would it mean anything? it means something to me. we're going in circles here. molasses and mud and the breeze upon my cheek i could never show my face again and who would really care? pink tree pink tree its the most gentle part of me. i dont have the language for this. if i told you i loved you would you believe it? if i told you my eyes were heavy would you hold them? the sun is setting and the window is open and its all really quite brilliant, i think id like to be a part of it.

[starseclipsetoo]

lets say that i told you that i love you. lets say i held your face in my hands and i poured piece after piece of myself into you. lets say outside the maple tree is standing and there's a white picket fence but it only rounds the corner of the yard, the rest is wide open, and lets say there are kids biking down the street and there are corn kernels tucked into pockets of dirt all around the house and we're laying in a bed that doesn't exist anymore, won't exist forever more. the window is perpetually fogged up and crusted, its the best view ive ever seen. we're laying in bed and this part isn't real, im sorry, because this place will never be real to me again, only a muse for the taking. i love you. lets say you are in every part of me, even this one, the one that doesnt really exist anywhere but inside my memory.

[inthedarktrees]

Kate Winslet & Melanie Lynskey

Heavenly Creatures (1994) dir. Peter Jackson

[starseclipsetoo]

last night you asked me to sit while you drew me, said itd take half an hour and pulled my knees closer. for 40 minutes i got to stare at you, couldn't stop myself even if i wanted to. every time you glanced up, held my gaze a moment too long, i felt something in me rise up and then settle. in that moment all i could call it was love, an endless fondness of and endearment to you. i thought how that moment would be burned into my memory, the exact curve of your eyes and how close your eyelids rested to your brow bone, the intensity in the darkness of your eyes in dim lighting and the jut of your bridge bone and all the subtle shadows they cast. you drew me and i memorized you, knew that one day i would look back on this as an example of my first love, the singularity that is you. the way you look at me, the way i love you. i held your gaze and played with the pencil sharpener and pretended not to notice the blush on your cheeks, pretended not to be immensely pleased by it. the thing is your love makes me gentle and i want my love to make you gentle too, so when i asked to draw you and spent 50 minutes doing so, i spent every minute staring just a moment too long to keep you in my mind rather than on paper.

[starseclipsetoo]

a wash of dark hazy blue its all decorated in a comfortingly malignant cyan. frozen but molasses warm, hung like dead herbs playing for dry. once i would have held this moment in my hands like it was something precious; maybe it is- maybe its precious just to recognize the growth. im home and i want to go home.

[starseclipsetoo]

laying with you the other night i felt dumbstruck by some new and profound definition of poeticism i seemed to learn just in that moment. i tried to explain it to you then but the words came jumbled and disjointed and unclear, but i think i understand them now. existing alongside your presence feels poetic which is to say i love you. i'm in love with you. being around you is so soft it feels like poetry, but really it's the love seeping in; the same love i try to transfuse my writing with, so it feels poetic. you gave me one of your plums and it was poetic. you poured extra of your drink just so i could try it, you laid your hand on my shoulder just to touch me, i seem to have the shadow of your nose and cheek burned into my memory, the curve of your eyes a background for my thoughts. that's really all it was. loving you feels like poetry, and it struck me how profound that all was.

[starseclipsetoo]

i once told you i wish i could pour love into you like a glass of water. did you know what i meant by that? that i wish i could hold you so close the love transfused into you like atomic energy, like the tide, like something ive never known.

[starseclipsetoo]

youre beautiful. thats all i can write. youre beautiful which is to say i held your upper arm in my hand last night and i felt i suddenly understood something i never thought i could. i soften the creases in your shirt just to touch you, just to know you're real and you're here and you're looking at me. god you're beautiful. that is to say i've never looked at anyone the way i look at you, like ripples in the ocean obscured by moonlight and poor vision. the line under your eye is the most brilliant thing i've ever seen. the care in your eyes, it takes me breath away. you're beautiful. it's all i can say. i think the most romantic things are the hardest to write about. how do you romanticize something already beyond comprehension? you're beautiful and i want you to look at me forever, i want to make you smile all of the time, i want to shower you in care, pour myself into you, always pulling you closer, holding you tighter, my hand on your face, your waist, your hair, your knee. if i could i would give you everything. i'd give you everything and all i'd ask for is my hand on your arm.

[starseclipsetoo]

softly, softly, i imagine the home tapes of a hand sculpted home; full of soft yarn and dim lights, soft thuds and shared meals. i'll share my life with these people, create a place worth cherishing. i'll have a home to hold him in, a warm couch to melt into and commit friendship to memory in. handmade bowls and plates and mugs and walls exploded in decorum and wood grain and love. i'll hold this image dear to me, imagine it so unlike the crusted apparition view of my childhood home- this is something realer, purposeful. we will love in this place and it will be on purpose. there will be plants and mismatch furniture and doorknobs and shoes and jackets and scarves. we'll take care of a cat together and skirt around each other in bleary mornings and tired evenings. it'll be the most at home i've ever felt.

[starseclipsetoo]

soft soft soft, gentle like a feather the light blossoms with all the care of a petal brushing the water. i love you. i don't know who i'm saying it to but it doesn't matter because all of them matter. i love you and i hope your evening is gentle. i love you and i feel content; i hope you do too. i love you and i seem in a sort of standstill with my life just a few months prior and my life now. i'm something new, i'm incandescent, i'm the flowers on my childhood closet's doorknobs, the dusty green of the butterflies on the fan's pull chain. i'm baby duck yellow and mauve softened grey, baby blue on a glass bottle reflecting sunset, a peppered dusting of blush pink and sunbathed yellow. i am gentle. i am alright.

[starseclipsetoo]

its march second and i think my life is incandescent.